


Ice

by Denegressi



Category: Muse (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff and Angst, Ice Skating, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2019-07-16 12:09:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 114,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16085822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Denegressi/pseuds/Denegressi
Summary: AU Figure skating. Matthew Bellamy is the new figure skating phenomenon, but he seems to have an equally icy heart. Will Dominic Howard, a part time worker at the ice rink, be able to open that heart? (I'm terrible with summaries).





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old story of mine (circa 2009) but it's still close to my heart even though I don't follow this fandom anymore. It was originally posted in LJ but I decided to bring it here, in case it gets erased in the other site.
> 
> I've had a lot of help writing this, but I don't know how to tag those people because the only contact I had with them was through LJ. But if they're around, please feel free to say hi and I'll add you to the disclaimer.
> 
> Anyway, here it is.

Sometimes I think I’m invisible. Or at least transparent. Like ice.

Since I was a child, I was never good at getting people’s attention, except my close family and my good friends. When it comes to strangers, I can go out to a bar at night and no one will even give me a second look. Why? I’m not really sure, because, honestly, I don’t even think I’m unattractive or uninteresting. Maybe it’s because I’m so damn self conscious and insecure. I don’t really know why, I guess that’s just how I am. Or maybe I’m just stubborn instead of fighting against my insecurities.

I’m a University student, a Biology student to be more precise, but I have to work to help my parents pay for it. They send me money every month, but I know they cannot send enough. I mean, it’s enough to pay for studies and food, but there are other things I need. And for those I promised myself I’d be able to pay.

So, at the age of 20, I managed to study something I always loved and have a work related with something I always admired. Figure skating. Yes, that’s right. I’ve always been fascinated by that sport.

I’m not a skater myself, I was never talented on skates. When I talk about being fascinated, I’m talking about watching it. So, what I do is, basically, cleaning and also ice maintenance in a ring near the University. It’s a practising ring, not one they use for competitions, but some medal winners practise there. It’s one of the best places in the whole UK and only the most talented skaters can train there and be instructed by the best choreographers and trainers. 

Probably most people don’t know any of these names but Sharon Taylor, James Harrington, Ann Malone, they all practise there, or practised, in Sharon's case. Sharon won the Bronze Medal in 2004 European Championship and she doesn't skate now, not in competitions anyway. They’re all Mrs. McCarthy, the owner of the place, _sweethearts_. 

And then there’s Matthew Bellamy. 

And by _then_ I don’t mean he’s not in that group, in fact he is more than _in_ that group. He’s my age and already won Bronze and Silver Medals on the European Championships and I believe he’s going to fight for Gold in the Olympics next year. 

When Matthew is on the ice, no one can take their eyes off of him. He has an aura, a strong presence, a _light_. People instantly become absorbed by his skating. He’s graceful and has such a powerful presence that even if he doesn’t win the competition, usually he’s the audience’s favourite.

I always become absorbed when I see him skating. And I can say I prefer to see him training than in those huge competitions. When Matthew is all alone on the ring, wearing his regular clothes, a concentrated look on his face and completely shut down to the world, that’s when his true essence is revealed. That’s when you see that the man really loves what he does and was born to do it. And that’s when I observe. Sometimes he closes his eyes as he slides along the ring, just savouring the talent he possesses.

Apart from that, he’s an arrogant bastard.

There, I said it. When he’s competing, he always has that smirk on his face that makes my hands turn into fists. Sure, he’s damn good at skating, but he could be a bit more humble. Sometimes I find myself staring at the television and wishing he would fall just once, just to wipe that smirk off of his face. I know I shouldn’t wish something like that but I can’t help it. Sometimes, people like him need a small failure to prove that they’re not perfect after all.

He is not perfect, even though he probably thinks he is. He’s too short, skinny, pale... Though those are qualities that ice skaters usually need. But still, he’s not the kind of man who would catch people’s attention if he wasn’t so good at skating, if he didn’t have that aura. If he was a regular guy like me.

I work here for a year and he has never said a word to me. Not good morning or good night, not hello, anything... The other skaters don’t pay much attention to me either but at least some of them offer me a small smile or a nod and sometimes greet me. He just keeps his nose high in the air as he walks around and only talks to his colleagues.

Why did I have to fall for a person who is as cold as the ice he skates on?


	2. Chapter one

I always loved walking; there’s something refreshing about it. Well, when you live so close to London, it’s not as pleasant as a walk in my hometown, Teignmouth, where you can listen to the birds and in some places actually see Nature’s true essence. There was no need to go too far to experience that when I lived in Teignmouth, but now it is.

Anyway, I grew to love this city. At first I thought it was too big, too crowded, too crazy. But now I’m used to it and whenever I go back to my small town in Devon, I feel like everything is happening in slow motion… But I still miss the Nature. Well, there’s always Hyde Park… It’s a good place to take walks and ride a bike, but even in that place I usually don’t find the privacy I need. Yes, I like my privacy from time to time, I like to be alone with the trees and the birds and the sounds of the wind… Okay, I know that sounded incredibly cheesy but that’s the truth.

Well, all this to say that whenever I can I walk instead of catching a bus or the underground. Though sometimes it’s impossible because in London everything is too far away and I really have to use the public transport. However, I usually walk to Uni and then to the ring and back home. Each walk takes about twenty minutes so there’s no big deal.

Whenever I’m on my way to the rink, like now, I have contradictory feelings. Part of me is really happy to go there, see the skaters… see Matthew. But another part of me knows how frustrated I will feel when he passes through me without even looking. 

As I enter through the back door, I greet Mrs. Stone, one of the cleaning ladies, and she immediately asks me how school is going, how my parents are and all that stuff. She’s great, always very friendly, but she talks way too much. When she’s finally gone I get ready to work and make my way to the main ring to see if there’s something to do. Usually I straighten up the ice with a proper machine. It’s like a small car that I have to ride on the ice after the skaters are all gone. However, when I get there I notice that someone is still practising.

Matthew.

He’s all alone. His coach is not with him anymore so he’s probably just chilling and enjoying some time for himself. Just the way I like to observe him… I lean on the handrail as I stand in the stairs, knowing that he won’t see me staring from this place. Anyway, he has his eyes closed - his big blue sky-like eyes. He’s wearing black pants and a red sweat shirt; the man certainly loves combining those two colours… He’s so fucking gracious. Even when he’s simply skating back and forth, his arms sometimes opening and closing, enjoying the wind due to his velocity… It’s not like he’s doing all those fantastic figures he knows and executes perfectly, but to me, this is when he’s at his best.

A noise from the other side of the ring startles me.

“Hey Matt! Get out of the fucking ice and get dressed! I’m not feeling like waiting for you, man…” It’s one of his colleagues, James Harrington. Matthew probably is supposed to drive him home.

“Then walk! It’s good for your health.” There… I knew it. Well, it seems like I know Matthew better than James does, even though I’ve never talked to him, because if that guy thought that the great Matthew Bellamy was going to rush because of him, he was terribly wrong.

“Oh come on… What are you doing there, anyway?” He insists. He’s being himself, you idiot.

“James, do not insist. It’s your decision…” He simply said, leaving no room for further whining. James turned around and disappeared again, probably muttering something under his breath.

I hear a noise from beside me, noticing that someone is approaching, and make my way up the stairs and into the seats to see if there’s something to clean. I need to wait until Mr. Perfect leaves the ring so I can work on what I’m meant to.

The person that was behind me is Mrs. McCarthy. She approaches the ice rink with a smile on her face watching Matthew. She doesn’t come here every day, but she tries to do it quite regularly to see how everything is going. After all she owns the place and she’s the one that has a final decision when it comes to approving a new skater.

She was a world champion at her time, about twenty years ago, and dedicated all her life to ice skating. She used to train others too and organize choreographies but lately she rarely does that. I think that, in her mid thirties, she needs time to educate her two daughters.

When Matthew notices her, he smiles and slides near her so they can talk properly. I can’t hear what they’re saying but that doesn’t matter anyway. Mrs. McCarthy is very proud of him, anyone can see that, but in my opinion she should teach him some manners instead of spoiling him rotten. But that is just my humble opinion, it’s not like anyone cares.

I go back down, since there is nothing to do and keep on waiting. I’m probably going to go home later than usual because of Matthew. And I still have to make dinner and study Molecular Biology because the exam is approaching.

Finally, I see him getting out of the rink and bending down to untie the laces of his skates. He’s bending down and I’m starting to salivate. Why doesn’t he sit on the bench like everyone else?

I have to lick my lips as I hungrily observe the way his pants mould into his arse and his slim but muscular legs due to the training. How I wish I could just take a few steps forward, reach out and grab that flesh. I smile as I let this little fantasy take place in my mind for a little while. He can be small and tiny but he seems so...delicious.

Eventually he sits down, so he can take the skates off, but the moment he actually bent down will stay with me for a very long time.

*

All is done for today and I’m ready to go home. I think Matthew already left, because I didn’t see him again after…after he took off his skates. And because of him I’ll be late for my study group. Even though it was worth it I can’t help but blame him.

When I pass in front of the men changing rooms, I listen to a weird noise which makes me stop and frown. It’s supposed to be empty… I don’t usually go in there but this time curiosity is taking the best of me. Who the hell is in there and doing what?

The image that reaches my eyes is something that I certainly didn’t want to see. My mouth opens and I stand here paralyzed. Matthew and Isabella are right in front of my eyes, but I’m sure they cannot see me at the door. They’re too enveloped in each other. Their torsos are naked, except for her bra that thankfully she still has on, and they’re pulling at each other’s pants in a frenzied way.

What. The. Hell?

Isabella works in the cafeteria; I didn’t even know Matthew talked to her more than simply asking for water, coffee or a sandwich. She’s in her late thirties and…well, Matthew’s young and he could have whoever he wants. What the fuck!?

Well, she’s a nice woman and she’s quite good looking and has that irresistible Italian accent but-

My thoughts are interrupted by steps approaching and I immediately get out and into the corridor. It’s Mrs. McCarthy. I need to think of something to say… If she goes in there or listens to any strange noises, well, I don’t even want to think about the consequences.

Oh but why do I care? That bastard deserves it! He doesn’t care about anyone so why should I care about him? He probably doesn’t even know my name. Probably? Get a grip Dominic, he doesn’t know your name. End of the story.

She’s approaching. Even though I want him to get what he deserves, I know that my protecting instincts towards the object of my desire will be stronger than my will to leave them be and let him have what he deserves. “Dominic,” she starts when she gets close enough and notices my flushed state, “are you alright?”

I nod with a smile. “I’m fine, Mrs. McCarthy.” I say as loud as I can without making it sound too strange so those two can listen and realize what’s going on. “I’m on my way out.” I hear some noises from the inside, which means they heard me and are probably getting dressed.

Mrs. McCarthy frowns, probably hearing it too. I gulp and instinctively step back. I hope I don’t end up paying for his mistakes. “Is anyone there?”

“I-I…” What now?

“It’s me.” I let out the breath I was holding when I hear Matthew’s voice behind me. I don’t even look at him, I can’t look at him, but I know he will talk her around and find an excuse. “I was in the shower a bit longer than necessary…”

Her features soften. “Alright then… But go home now and get some rest. Paul wants to close so hurry up.” After one last smile she leaves the place and I hear Matthew taking a deep breath. The fact that he was scared somehow puts a small grin on my lips. Even though I’m still not able to turn around and look at him. Is he going to thank me for what I did? Is he going to talk to me from now on?

“We’re safe?” I hear Isabella asking, her voice just above a whisper.

“Yeah. I’m going home, then.” Matthew simply says. No thank you, no nothing.

“Dominic…” Isabella calls me and I turn around. She’s smiling, still flushed, already dressed and Matthew is putting on his coat. “Thank you.” I give her a small smile and a nod. “Listen, we-“

“I won’t tell anyone, it’s alright.” She smiles wider and nods.

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” Matthew is still mute, straightening up his coat. When he picks up his bag and shows intentions to move in the opposite direction Isabella grabs his arm. “Aren’t you going to say something to Dom? Like… Thank him for saving your arse?”

“Excuse me?” He says with a chuckle as he turns around.

“She could have walked in on us!”

“She only stopped here because he was in the nearby.” He turns to me then, his icy eyes penetrating into mine, but I quickly look away. “What were you doing anyway? Spying?”

“Matthew!” Isabella grabs his arm tighter. My cheeks must be as red as a tomato by now.

“Don’t grab me like that!” He spits before pulling his arm out of her reach abruptly. “Even if she did find us, what would she do? Nothing…”

“I could get fired! I cannot lose this job!” I wish I could dig a hole on the ground and disappear. Maybe I needed this, so I can finally see the true nature of this guy. How can he act so inconsiderate, so cold…?

“That would be your problem, not mine.” He says before turning around, leaving Isabella behind, open mouthed and humiliated. She looks down, probably in the verge of tears and mutters something that I cannot understand.

“It’s okay.” I answer to whatever she said. She runs her trembling hands along her face as she shakes her head. “Come on, let’s get out of here. They want to close.”

“I know.” She sighs and finally looks at me. I try to smile and offer some comfort, but probably fail. I’m not good at this. “I’m so, so sorry, Dom. Sorry for what you saw, for what he said, for how he made you feel… He had no right to create such a scene, that pretentious little-“

“Isabella, it’s okay. It wasn’t your fault, you don’t need to apologize.” She smiled with a small nod and looked down again.

“You probably think I’m crazy for getting involved with a guy that is almost twenty years younger than me and such a... I don’t even know how to classify him.” She chuckled shaking her head. “But he’s not always like that, you know?” I’m sorry but I can’t believe that, I think to myself. I never saw him doing anything that could make me change my mind and think that deep inside he is indeed a good person. “He can be a sweet guy at times...” She frowned at her own words. “Okay, maybe sweet is not the right adjective...”

*

After studying for a few hours with my roommates, Adam and Scotty, I go back to my room to spend some time alone. Luckily, I managed to have a room for myself while they share a bunk. Though that probably won’t last forever because we’re the typical Uni students and we need money. So we’re looking for another person to share the room with me so each of us can pay less rent. That probably won’t happen until next year though... It’s January and there’s not many new people arriving. Well, there are probably no new people at all.

Somehow I feel happy at that, because even though I have to pay more, I can have my privacy. And I love my privacy.

As I lay on my bed, the events that took place before I came home start replaying in my head. Why can’t I simply tell my heart who to like and who to forget? Why can’t I choose? It’s not fair!

Why does he have to be so fucking irresistible?


	3. Chapter two

_ “Ah baby...right there,” I moan. “So fucking good...” Gulping, I fight to open my eyes so I can look into the blue irises right in front of me. But those irises almost disappear, giving place to a dark shade, lust shining right through them. He looks so damn sensual and beautiful. _

__

_ But at the same time he looks vulnerable. And I must be one of the few people that have actually seen Matthew Bellamy in a vulnerable state. _

__

_ I smile, running a hand through his messy hair, reassuring him, telling him without words that he’s making me feel like I’m in a higher place – in the sky. His lips part and he captures mine as he thrusts even deeper inside me, harder, faster, my legs tightening the grip around him. He leans back again and a guttural moan leaves his mouth that is opened in a perfect “o”, his hair plastered to his forehead due to the sweat. I lift my head from the pillow to kiss and bite that porcelain skin of his neck; my sadistic side wanting to mark him with my teeth so everyone can see that he’s taken. _

__

_ “Dominic... I’m  _ _ gonna _ _ -ah!” I know he’s close and I know that I am too, but I want to see him coming. It’s amazing when we reach the pinnacle together, but this time I want to see his unique face as he- _

__

Beeeep-beeeep-beeeep 

I groan biting the pillow as the fucking clock wakes me up from my pleasurable dream. It’s not fair... I have these dreams quite often but this one was...well, it was probably the best one yet. It’s such a shame that they will never come true... Oh the things I’d do to him, he can never imagine. 

But I can. Oh yes I do.

This is very sad of me, I know. But I simply cannot control it. I just wish I’d met someone who would make me forget about that ice skater because I don’t see another way out. But this is a healthy obsession, it’s not like I’m going to do anything to him... My dreams don’t hurt anyone.

Anyone except me.

I reluctantly get up from my bed and make a quick walk to the bathroom so I can give attention to my throbbing member. It seems like I’m just a teenager, not a 20 year old. But now I simply don’t care... I know it won’t take long. I just have to imagine what would happen in the dream if that clock stood silent, a little help from my hand and _voila_.

*

The day is starting pretty well. This was an irony. Adam was in a foul mood because of his girlfriend and, since Scotty simply doesn’t talk early in the morning, I was the one who tried to cheer him up. I had no success though, because he just ended up spitting at me to leave him alone and mind my own business. Well, after that I just got out and decided to have breakfast in a cafe nearby.

I enter the first establishment I encounter because I definitely need coffee. Within a few minutes a nice lady takes my request and says she’ll be back in a minute with my hot drink and toast. I take a look around as I wait until my eyes land on a figure I know too well. Maybe this morning will turn out slightly better after all.

Matthew is talking to an older man but I can see he’s not amused. It’s probably his father and maybe he’s lecturing him, hence the frown, the crossed arms and the foot that doesn’t stop beating under the table. I wonder what’s going on...

I thank the waitress as she puts my request in front of me, but my eyes quickly return to the table not far from mine. I was right, it’s his father. Matthew just said “No, dad” in a louder tone. A smirk pops up in my lips. Whatever is going on there, the little bastard probably deserves it. It must be something serious if his father came to London for this... I know his family doesn’t live here, they’re from Cambridge, or so I’ve heard, so it’s strange that when his father visits, they have a fight.

Somehow I start to feel sorry for him. Even though I still think he deserves it.

As I eat my breakfast, I can’t help but keep looking in their direction. His father’s features soften as the conversation goes, but Matthew keeps the same troubled expression. When the older man reaches out to run his hand over his son’s arm, Mathew doesn’t do anything to stop him, which probably means that despite everything, they must have a good relationship.

When I finish my breakfast, I notice that I don’t have much time left and I need to go to Uni, so I reluctantly get up and make my way to the loo. I can’t help the smile on my face. It was a good thing that Adam was being a dick so I didn’t have breakfast at home.

I put my bag on the floor as I wash my hands, humming a song. I’m so distracted that I don’t notice the door opening, and I only realise I’m not alone when it’s too late.

I’m a moron... I placed my bag too close to the door, which caused Matthew to fall to the floor the moment he took his second step into the loo. I swear it wasn’t on purpose, I didn’t know he was coming in. And what good can this bring? Nothing! It will be even worse to be around him now!

Crap. I stay frozen for a while, not knowing what to do. I guess that from now on he’ll finally know who I am but for the worst reasons. I guess I’ll turn into a fucking joke.

Shaking slightly I crouch down next to him and try to say whatever I’d say to a random person. “I’m so sorry! That was my fault. Are you alright?”

He sits back scratching his knee and finally looks at me. “You?!” He frowns, remembering my face from last week’s incident in the changing room. Well, maybe he would recognize me even if there had been no incident; I hope so anyway.

“Hi...” I smile and gulp. “I’m so sorry... I hope you’re not hurt.”

“No. I’m used to falling around on the rink.” He chuckles. Wait. He _chuckled_ and said a nice joke? I open my mouth in surprise. He’s not going to spit at me and lift his nose high in the air as he gets up and walks out? 

“Good.” I manage to say. He gets up, straightening his clothes as I rise to my feet as well.

“What?” He asks and I realise I was caught staring.

“No-nothing.” Very good Dominic. Why can’t you control yourself? “I just hope you’re really alright.” I say, hoping that’s a good thing to say. 

He smirks shaking his head slightly. “You’re weird.” He simply states and turns his back to me leaving me standing there, eyeing the door that just closed. I am going to be a joke in his eyes... That’s clear. Well, but at least maybe he’ll notice me from now on.

When I finally regain my senses, several seconds later, I lean down to pick up my bag, not really deciding if I should burn the damn thing or put it in a pedestal, and notice something on the floor. It’s a cell phone. Matt’s cell phone to be more precise. A smirk instantly reaches my lips.

Luck seems to be by my side today. I pick it up and put it in my bag. Now I have a reason to talk to him... Will he thank me this time?

*

As soon as I arrive to my workplace by the end of the afternoon, I quickly start searching for Matthew. There’s some girl who called him about three times, than a guy, I didn’t recognize their names, and his father also called. I hope these people know where he is...especially his father, I hope he didn’t get worried. 

Anyway, I couldn’t come sooner and I’m positive that this time he’ll be thankful that I got his phone. I spot him on the corner of the rink, probably resting a bit and take a deep breath. Courage, Dom, this is your chance. My pathetic side is making my legs shake a bit as I make my way to where he’s standing. When I get there, I crouch down so our heads are more or less at the same level since he’s still on the rink.

“Matthew”, I call trying to sound confident. He looks back, tilting his head to the side, probably wondering what the hell I want from him this time. I gulp and try not to get too intimidated. “Hey! You... You dropped your cell phone in that bathroom this morning.” I say holding it in my hand. “I noticed it a few minutes after you left and you were no longer at the café.”

He gasps, picking it up abruptly from my hand. “And you’re only giving it back to me, now?!” He asks incredulously. 

“Well, you were already go-“

“Do you have any idea how much I have searched for it?” He turns completely around, glaring at me. What the hell is his problem? I gave it back to him, didn’t I?

“I can imagine, but I only got here now. And the first thing I did was look out for you so I could give it back as quick as possible.” My voice is shaking, it’s not only because I’m nervous as I talk to him, but also because right now I’m feeling so mad at Matthew fucking Bellamy. He has _no right_ to talk to me like that. I just did this guy a favour!

“Well, you should have come sooner, weirdo.” He says and turns around again. This is not happening... I must be imagining it, I have to!

This guy is _completely_ nuts.

“I-What?” I gasp. “I have a life, you know? I told you the first thing I did when I arrived here was look for you. What the hell is your problem?” Yes, I have my dignity too. I can’t let him tell me these things and simply turn around with my eyes on the floor. No way, that was not the way I was educated by my parents.

He turns around slowly, facing me again. “My problem?” He asks and then there’s a long pause.

“What is going on here?” Ann, another skater asks as she comes closer. I think my voice was too loud and she heard me. Well, I couldn’t care less.

“Nothing.” Matt smiles at her. “It’s time for me to go home.” He says and starts skating towards the exit. Ann looks at me with a questioning look. I don’t think I owe her an explanation and I’m not in at the mood to talk to someone who is practically a stranger so I just shrug and rise to my feet.

I angrily make my way to a quiet place so I can calm down before starting to work properly.

I’m especially angry at myself because I fell for such an idiot. I’m angry because I seem to be unable to control it and I hate it. I hate it! But from now on it will be different... Until now I didn’t fight that much against it. I went on with the flow and kept observing him whenever I could, admiring his skills, his figure, his beautiful face... Maybe it was an escape from my _real_ life, from the stress of Uni. I always knew I would never have a chance to be with him one day, but it felt good to dream and forget a little about my real problems. Though, from now on, I will make an effort to stop it, to end this stupid and unreasonable crush. It needs to stop before I go completely insane.

Taking a deep breath, I finally find the courage to start my work and try to forget about that stupid skater.

However, contrary to what I thought this morning at the café, this is not my lucky day. The moment I make it to the corridor that leads to the rink, I bump into him. I won’t say that I’m sorry, because honestly I’m not. I don’t care.

He mutters something that I don’t quite catch. I don’t mind though... Right now I just want him to get out of my sight so I can finally do what I have to do and go home. I try not to look at him so he doesn’t see how affected I am. 

“It seems like we’re constantly bumping into each other lately.” He says more audible this time.

“Seems so”, I simply say and start to make my way towards the rink.

“Dominic.” My heart stops for a brief moment. I’m sure it stops. My breath gets caught in my throat. This is the first time he’s ever said my name. It’s the first time I hear _Dominic_ coming out of his mouth. I’m not even sure I heard it right, maybe he said something similar and my sensitive and needy ears misunderstood it. “Listen...” Oh yes, he really called me. I try to relax my facial expression and turn around to face him. I’m supposed to forget him... Why did he have to call me _now_? “I’m sure you don’t want to lose your job so you’d better stay out of trouble.”

I chuckle. Of course... I should be expecting something like this. When will I learn? But there’s... I’m not sure, but there’s something in his eyes. They’re not as cold and stormy as before. “I’m not in trouble. And since when do you care about us employees being fired?” I dare to ask.

“I don’t...” He grins shaking his head. “But you did bring my cell phone back.” He winks and turns around leaving me speechless. What was that all about?

I had made a decision just a few minutes ago. How am I supposed to go through with it now?


	4. Chapter three

It’s good to be home. I always love to return to my old home and visit my parents; everything here is so warm and sometimes I even find it hard to return to London. The scents, flavours, colours of this house all remind me of the people I love and how happy I was when I grew up here.

I had a meal with my parents earlier and told them about the recent news from University; they always pay attention when I talk about my studies. And about my personal life too of course. I have never told them about a certain person though, even though I think my mother suspects something.

She’s the only person who knows I like the same sex more than I like the opposite. I’ve never had the courage to tell anyone else and, well, I never really told her anyway – she found out. Mothers have those special instincts and mine certainly has a strong one because I’m never able to hide something from her. To my surprise, she accepted it quite well and, against her own will, promised me that she wouldn’t tell dad and would wait as long as necessary until I felt ready to tell him myself.

One year has passed and I haven’t found that courage yet.

Me and my father have always been very close, but I think he will be so disappointed... I believe he will accept at some point but I just know it will be so hard for him. So I decided that I will wait until I have a reason to tell him, aka, a boyfriend. Until then, I think there’s no need to stress him. Maybe I’m wrong but I won’t go back on my cowardly decision.

At some point during the afternoon, I retreat to my old bedroom and turn on the TV, knowing that the Nationals must be on already. I lay down on the bed as I watch it, knowing that Matthew will be one of the last ones to compete in his category. A few minutes after I start watching it there’s a knock on the door.

“Come in.” My mother opens the door and smiles closing it behind her. “Hey mum.” I smile and sit up on the bed. 

She smiles too and sits by my side, turning her head to the TV. “Is anyone you know over there?”

“Yeah... There’s two actually, one in men’s singles and another in ladies’ singles.”

“Do you mind if I watch it with you?” I shake my head with a smile. “I’ve always liked to watch this... These people are so gracious, so beautiful!” Yeah, tell me about it. But they can be arseholes when they’re out of the rink. I wish I could say this out loud but instead I chose to nod slightly at my mother’s words.

We comment on the skaters, and the more I watch this, the more I know that none of them are competition for Matthew. I was already expecting this... Lately, The UK has been quite weak when it comes to figure skating. Anyway, that means that Matthew will probably fly to Helsinki next week and only there he will find real competition. I haven’t decided yet if I want him to win the Gold Medal or not.

When his image appears on the TV, I shudder slightly, hoping that my mother doesn’t notice it and tell her that that’s the one I was talking about earlier. 

He’s looking so fucking gorgeous.

Surprisingly there’s no trace of red in his costume this time. He chose to wear a dark blue one - he looks so good in dark colours – that shines on his upper torso and has light blue radiations on his sleeves. I can’t help but let out a long sigh and, of course, my mother notices right away.

“Dominic?”

I gulp and turn to her. “Ye-Yeah?” That’s it. I’ve just been caught and there’s no way she’ll let this one go.

“What’s going on between you and him?” She asked, looking into my eyes but nodding at the TV.

“Nothing mum, honestly. Nothing.” I wasn’t lying. Unfortunately. She furrows her eyebrows, demanding me to explain it better. “Mum, let me watch now okay? I’ll talk when he finishes.” I smile and she nods turning back to the TV.

I know perfectly well the music he chose because I’ve heard it many times when I arrived at the rink to work and he was finishing his practice. It’s from Star Wars soundtrack, Across the Stars, Anakin and Padmé’s love theme. It’s a beautiful heartbreaking song and its rhythm and ups and downs are perfect for him to perform his trademark perfect spins and jumps. He does great foot work, but his magnificent jumps, intercalated with beautiful and well centered spins usually make the public scream in appreciation. But of course, what makes everyone focus on Matthew Bellamy, what really grabs people’s attention about him is his emotion and passion whenever he’s on the rink. It shines right through everything he does and right through his body. His interpretation is always magnificent and his facial expression is always in sync with the emotion transmitted by the chosen music. The choreographies and technical aspects always fuse in a perfect way, that’s why he shines so much on the rink.

Well, but these are the British Nationals and he’s probably saving his most difficult technical content for the Europeans. But I just know that he won’t miss the opportunity to show off anyway.

He looks concentrated as he waits for the music to begin, and I adore that look on his face. And then, when the music starts, he quickly becomes absorbed in it. It’s like first chords are able to set him free from an invisible cage. That metaphor always comes to my mind whenever I see him in these competitions. All that emotion and passion is right there and all eyes focus on him. As always, he interprets the program with conviction and he’s there to win, but at the same time he is aware that there is an audience watching him – he is performing for them.

Like I thought, his performance is not absolutely stunning, it’s just enough to win and go to the Europeans and with a little show off of course. He’s saving himself for what is coming next and certainly teasing the audience about what he is preparing for the following week. It’s like a “don’t miss the next episode where everything will be revealed” advertisement.

Matthew knows that most people are there to see him. So when he finishes, after a spin that is as fast as humanly possible, he bows down with that characteristic grin on his lips. And he winks! I can’t help but snort. I don’t think he will ever change.

When he starts skating towards the exit of the rink, my mother pats my knee so I can remember that she still wants an explanation. Well, I don’t think I really have to give her one,  mean, yes she’s my mother, but I’m an adult and I have my own life and secrets. But at the same time I know that I need to finally talk to someone.

There’s no need to see his marks, of course the judges will score him high, but it’s good to see him sitting next to his coach, with a serene smile as he waits. His breathing movements are still obvious as his chest rises up and down and his mouth still hangs slightly opened. That, combined with his sweaty face and the short hair plastered to his forehead, is giving me dirty thoughts.

Get a grip, Dominic, your mother is sitting right by your side.

“He’s doing very well...” I hear her saying and only then I notice that the judges marks are already showing up. As I predicted, he’ll win that easily and he will find his true competition next week.

“Yeah... But it’s not like our country has any great skaters at the moment.” I shrug and turn to her with a smile.

“Except him.” My mother smirks. I nod and look down, somewhat embarrassed. “What is it son? I mean, you don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to, but you know I’m curious...and worried too.”

“I know mum.” I look back up at him. “But, seriously, there’s nothing going on between me and Matthew.” I chuckle at the way I said it. As if there was a chance... “He’s straight and, apart from that, we don’t get along very well.”

“How is it possible that someone doesn’t get along with you?”

I chuckle and shrug. “He’s... difficult.” I don’t know a better way to express my opinion about Matthew’s personality. “He’s not a nice person and it’s not easy to communicate with him.”

My mother frowns, squeezing my hand. “Then why did you have that love struck expression on your face while watching his performance?”

“Because I’m a fool.” I say in defeat, unable to look at her in the eyes.

“Now I don’t believe that... There must be something about that young man that caught your attention.”

“His skating skills?”

“No,” she shakes her head and puts a hand below my chin to make me look back up at her, “I meant something about _him_.”

“It was really all about his skating skills, mum.” I insist, but this time I don’t look away. “Not so much when he’s out there on those big competitions,” I nod towards the TV, “but when he’s at the rink and thinks no one is watching him.” I pause and smile, thinking about what I just said. “During those moments, something tells me that there’s something behind this strange behaviour of his. Someone that is able to achieve such a great level of inner peace by skating can’t be such a prick.”

A small silence falls upon us as I keep thinking lost in my own world, until my mother breaks it. “See? That’s not about skating skills... At least not anymore.” She smiles and winks before getting up from my bed.

I think I’m going insane.

*

During the following week, Matthew works as hard as ever. He really wants to win that competition. He got a second place last year, which was great, but he won’t be satisfied with Silver this time. He’s getting more and more ambitious, which is great but at the same time it can be lethal as a bomb.

I didn’t have the chance to talk to him again. I wanted to congratulate him, he would probably snort at me and turn around, but maybe the nervousness he’s feeling towards the Europeans (because I _know_ he has to be nervous, he’s not superman) could melt him down a little. 

He’ll be flying to Helsinki tomorrow. I’d really like to say something to him before he goes. It’s silly I know because he just started talking to me very recently. Well, talking is not the word, pissing me off and making me feel like shit makes better justice. 

But at least he knows who I am. And he _winked_ at me.

I’m not saying that he may turn into a friend of mine, but it’s good to know that, at last, he noticed my presence. I smile at the thought as I make my way to the rink. Maybe I can talk to him when he comes back; he’ll be in a good mood if he wins. Though if he doesn’t win, I better not appear before his sight.

“Hello Dominic!”

“Hi Mrs. Stone!” I greet her as I see her cleaning the glassy doors of the bathrooms, “How are you?”

“I’m good, almost finished here.” I smile nodding and wave before starting to walk again. I need to clean the ice and help Mr. Kent organize his stuff in his office as he asked me to yesterday. He’s the administrator of this centre but he’s too messy so from time to time he asks for my help to organize his files. He tells me everything I have to do in details though because I know nothing about economics and administration, but since I have some formation, even though it’s in Biology, he said that I’m the best person around to help him.

When I get to the rink I notice Matthew sitting down on a seat taking off his skates. He’s alone so maybe this is my chance. Is it a smart idea though? It seems like I never learn, because before I know I’m making my way to him. He’s probably going to hurt me again, I know it, but somehow the mere sound of his voice directed _to me_ makes it worth it.

“Matthew?” He turns around and his eyes lock with mine for an instant before he looks at the skates again. “I just wanted to wish you good luck for the Europeans.” Is that a small smile I see? He gets up, skates in his hands, and nods. “And congratulations. It was a great performance at the Nationals.”

He chuckles shaking his head. “No it wasn’t great. It wasn’t meant to be that great.” He walks past me and I sigh. He stops though because I no longer hear the sound of his steps. “You don’t need to try and amuse me... I’m not going to say anything bad about you so you get fired.” I turn around with a frown. He thinks I’m doing this because I thought he would try to make me get fired? The thought almost makes me laugh. “Your job is safe.”

He starts to turn around again, but I have to say something. But what? I can’t just drop the bomb and say I have a crush on him! “Wait!” He turns around again, looking a bit pissed off because I’m holding him back. Okay now what? Please say something bright, Dominic. “The thought that you would do something like that didn’t even cross my mind.” I’m blushing... Not good, not good at all. “I really thought you did great in the Nationals, even though I know the best part is still to come. You’re saving it for the Europeans because there was no point in showing it now considering the other British skaters.” He tilts his head to the side. He probably wasn’t expecting me to be so into skating; he clearly thought I only work here because of the money. “I mean, that triple axel? It was amazing... So perfect. And the music was such a clever choice.” He actually opens his mouth in surprise. “I wonder what you have up the sleeve for the Europeans.” I’m still blushing but now I know I’m holding the cards so that makes me relax a bit.

“I didn’t know you were into skating.” He simply says. “Not that I know anything about you, anyway.”

“Well... I work here, don’t I?”

“So does Kent and he knows nothing about skating.” 

“I’ve always loved it... ever since I was a kid.” I smile and look down.

“I see... Well, I really have to go.” I nod as I look back up at him. Oh blue eyes... He turns around without another word, but I need to say one more thing. I’m feeling quite audacious today, so I better make the most of it.

“Matthew?” He turn around again, but this time he doesn’t look annoyed. “Good luck. Really.”

He smiles. He’s really smiling! Not a big wide smile, it’s a small one. But it’s a smile!

“Thank you.”


	5. Chapter four

You can’t always get what you want. That’s a name of a song by The Rolling Stones and also something my mother used to tell me when I was a kid and wanted something very expensive or something I simply couldn’t have for some reason that at the time I didn’t understand.

Well, it seems like Matthew can’t always get what he wants either.

It’s been almost two weeks since he returned from Helsinki with a Silver Medal. Well, many athletes are happy with any Medal – of course Gold is always better but many are genuinely happy with any of the other two. But not Matthew Bellamy.

I believe it must be frustrating after working so hard for Gold, but a second place in the Europeans is absolutely great in my opinion. But of course he couldn’t care less about my opinion. Not that I voiced it to him anyway. In fact, we didn’t say more than hello to each other when he arrived. But he only came to the rink once because he had the week off; he needs to get some rest after all.

His performances were beautiful, not perfect, that’s why he didn’t win, but beautiful. And this is not me just being biased, it’s what people said on the TV and I also read it in some sports newspapers and reviews online. But Brian Joubert took that Gold Medal home. Another quite hot skater by the way, oh well... 

Anyway, no one saw it coming but, Matthew made one little mistake that cost him the title. There’s no doubt he would win if he didn’t fall in that final jump. It was an easy triple, a loop jump; in normal conditions he would do it easily with no problems. But maybe he was tired and lost his concentration, or maybe he got too excited with the great performance that he “forgot” he still needed to finish the program. So, like last year, Matthew ended up in the second place. Though last year he didn’t fall but his programs simply were not _that_ amazing.

The week has been quite boring without Matthew’s presence. Sometimes I find myself imagining him on the ice or even pretending it’s him when another skater is practising. But that’s not easy because he’s quite unique and much better than the others.

It’s finally Friday, late afternoon; I’ve just finished my work. I wonder if the guys have something in mind for tonight... Adam is probably going out with his girlfriend and I believe Scotty has been flirting with a bird from Uni so he must be going to be with her. So that means I’ll spend another Friday night in my beloved couch in front of the TV. I could call someone, I have other friends, but they probably have plans of their own and I’m not the kind of person who tries to get in the way of that. If anyone wanted my company they would have invited me.

But no one did.

Sometimes I feel so lonely that I have to start thinking about happy subjects in order not to feel depressed. I know I should be the one to do something about it, to change that, but it’s just so hard... I know people think of me as a nice bloke, probably charming but not the party type, not the outgoing type. So I guess sometimes they kind of forget I exist. Which is sad...

Anyway, there are times when I go out and have a blast, but I’m never the centre of attention or the one that grabs people’s attention. More like the one having a good time in the back row. I guess the fact that I’m gay and still in the closet plays an important role in my personality. I’m always afraid that people may notice so I chose not to get too involved with them. Maybe when I find a reason to come out things will change. I just hope it’s not for the worse.

Well, maybe I should grab a film to watch tonight. I sigh, finally making my way out but something stops me. I think I just saw Matthew making his way to the rink... But there’s the possibility that I’m just starting to imagine things. Maybe I’m really going insane.

Curiosity takes the best of me and I make the way to said place. I wasn’t wrong after all. He’s not here to skate; he probably just missed the place, even though he came here on Monday. This guy can be even more strange than me. I sigh deeply, knowing that I have to turn away and go home. He doesn’t want to talk to me, he wants to be alone. He seems... at peace, sitting there in front of the ice, looking at it with a dreamy expression.

“Dom! Are you coming, son?” I hear Mrs. Stone’s voice. I close my eyes, knowing that Matthew heard it and realised that I had been staring at him. 

When I open my eyes again, I decide not to look at him as I bend my head down. “Yes, Mrs. Stone, I’m coming.” Though, when I turn away, that voice calls my name again for the second time in my life. A shiver runs down my spine.

“Dominic?”

I gulp as I slowly turn around. “Hi,” I say timidly, trying my best to show him a small smile.

“What are you doing here?” He asks with a frown.

I look at Mrs, Stone and nod; fortunately she takes it as a clue that she can leave. It’s not like Matthew and I will share a long conversation, but I don’t need her staring at me from a corner. “Well I work here, don’t I?” I shrug with a nervous chuckle. “I think they want to close though...”

A small smile reaches Matthew’s lips but I can’t quite put my finger on the real reason behind it. Is it because he really caught me staring and if he had any doubts that I fancy him they’re now gone? Is it because he’s thinking of ways to torture me in the future? Or maybe because he just enjoys seeing me act so uneasy and uncomfortable around him. It makes him feel _superior_. I don’t think he notices my presence enough to realise that I have a crush on him. He barely looks at me, so maybe I’m safe...

“They won’t close right now.” He states and looks forward again. “Kent is still in his office.”

Should I congratulate him? Fuck it, at this point I have nothing to lose. I take a tentative step forward as I open my mouth to speak. “Congratulations on the Silver Medal.” No sound leaves his mouth and his expression doesn’t change. “You guys were always very close... It must have been nerve wracking.” I know I’m talking too much, but until he tells me to shut up I know I have yet another chance to impress him with my knowledge when it comes to figure skating. “It even reminded me of Yagudin and Plushenko.” His eyebrows furrow almost imperceptibly as he turns his gaze to me.

A silence falls upon us. I think he’s trying to figure out whether he should give me the honour to have this talk with him or if he should just tell me to go away. “Which one is your favourite?” My breath gets caught in my throat. Is he testing me? Maybe he admires one of these men to death and hates the other, which means that my answer can impress him and make him feel some respect towards me or it can make him laugh at me and ignore me again. But... at least this shows that I have a certain knowledge when it comes to figure skating and that we can have a decent conversation.

“I... Well...” You what, Howard? You what?! “I think they’re both extraordinary.” Look at him while you talk to him, you moron... And stop fucking muttering and speak normally! He’s just a person, what’s the big deal?

“I agree.” He says and I let a sigh of relief escape my slightly parted lips. I take a few more steps until I stand near the seats and sit down. Not too close to him, of course, but still, we’re sharing a seat. And he’s not telling me to leave. “Though “The Man in the Iron Mask” was the one performance that took my breath away...” He says with a longing smile. Oh yes... the unforgettable performance at Salt Lake City, when Yagudin won the Gold Medal.

“I remember seeing that on TV. By the end I was open mouthed.” Well, I had tears in my eyes by the end, it was too emotional, but I don’t think I should share that fact right now. It can be embarrassing...

Matthew nods and gets up. He places his hands over the hand rail and takes a deep breath. “I can’t help but wonder...” he starts and turns away to face me. “Have you ever skated?”

I almost laugh at that question. Me? An elegant and gracious skater? No, it never happened and never will. “No.” I chuckle. “I mean, I like to skate and I usually do when everybody does. You know, when it gets close to Christmas and all... But that’s not even figure skating, is it?”

“No, it’s not.” He says quickly as turns around again and I can’t help but let my gaze run over the length of his body. He’s wearing black jeans and a green sweater. His long black coat is resting on the seat by my side. I wish I could get up and wrap my arms around his waist from behind and place my chin on his shoulder, take in his scent. If I could hold him right now I’d tell him over and over again that he skated beautifully, that the fall didn’t matter that much and next year he’s going to beat everyone at the Olympics. I wish I could kiss that neck, fuck, I would _devour_ it if I had the chance. Oh the things I’d do to that white porcelain skin if it was within my reach... And his hair... It’s shorter now, but it still screams to be ruffled, to be grabbed!

Get a grip Dominic!

“But I-I don’t think I have the talent anyway. I’m too clumsy.” I say as I feel the urge to talk. Silence is not a good thing between two people, unless they’re very comfortable in each other’s presence. Which is not the case. “I always loved to watch, but I never really had the ambition to practise it myself.” I shut up and wait for him to say something. He stays silent for a while until he turns to me again.

“Right. I have to go.” So soon? Did I say something wrong? He picks up his coat and dresses it and I try not to stare again. But I don’t want him to leave...

“Okay.” Well, technically we both have to leave because the place has to close, but I don’t want _him_ to leave. “I have to go too...before I get locked in here.” I chuckle.

“You live nearby?” He’s making conversation. He’s making small talk with _me_. Grab the opportunity, Dominic! Say something that makes sense.

“It’s a twenty minute walk.” I say. Can you offer me a lift? Will you take me home? I find myself dreaming, even though I’m wide awake. Ask me out for the night! Let’s go somewhere and have fun! He won’t do it, I know... It’s impossible, Dominic, put that in your head. But a man can dream... “Not too far away.” But it’s already dark outside, you know? And it’s very cold too.

“I see...” And? Will you be a gentleman? “Well, see you around then.” 

My face falls; I can’t hide my disappointment, even though I know I couldn’t be expecting anything else. “Yeah...” He turns around without adding another word and it doesn’t take long before he disappears from my sight.

A small smile takes place in my lips. I know he didn’t offer to take me home, but we had a _conversation_. And it felt fucking good!

*

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?” Adam asks one more time.

I roll my eyes and sigh. “Adam you’re going out with your girlfriend... Yeah, I think I’d better stay here.” 

Adam shrugs as he picks up his coat from the chair. “It’s Friday night, Dom. When will you notice that you’re wasting the best years of your life in that couch?”

What did he say? Oh yes, he said the truth. But it’s that kind of truth that I cannot accept. “Don’t be ridiculous... I go out a lot. I just don’t feel like going out with you and Marian and see you guys suck each other’s mouths, okay? Is it that difficult to understand?” 

“Whatever, Dom...” He says and turns around, leaving me behind in a foul mood. What does he know about me? Nothing! He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. What’s the problem about spending a Friday night at home watching a good movie? Why does it immediately makes you look like a loser? It’s stupid...

When he closes the door behind him I turn my attention back to the movie and try to become absorbed in it. I don’t want to think about real life right now.


	6. Chapter five

I have the feeling Ann will be a great skater in the future. She’s only 17 and starting to compete as a senior, but I can already see that she has the energy and determination required for this sport. And she is a beautiful little young lady.

I’m waiting for her to leave the rink on top of the zamboni (the vehicle I use to clean and smooth the surface of the ice) and taking the opportunity to watch her practising. Her coach seems proud of her and that irradiates from her features. It’s always easy to tell when the relationship between the athlete and the coach isn’t a good one and this clearly is not the case.

Before she leaves she waves at me. She’s a sweet girl, we get along well. Maybe it would be easier if instead of being attracted to that prick I was straight and attracted to her. But unfortunately I cannot choose.

It has been a week since I had that talk with Matthew and since then nothing similar happened again. Well, he greets me back whenever I say hello and he actually looks at me now, which is good, but still, sometimes I think it will never be more than that. Maybe a conversation like the one we shared last week can take place from time to time, but that will be it. So I need to forget. I know that I’m always saying this and never actually do something about it, but...it’s too hard.

I see him when I’m on my way out and give him a small smile. “Have a nice weekend.”

“Can you come here for a second?” I frown as I turn around to see him entering the changing room. But he’s already wearing his regular clothes. I have no idea what he meant when he asked me to follow him, and that burning sensation takes place in my stomach once again.

Of course I follow him in there. He could ask me to follow him to hell and I would. Oh no... I can’t believe that cheesy stupid thought even came to my mind... What are you turning into, Howard? Please act and think like a normal person.

When I get in there, I find Matthew with his back turned to me as he faces the wall and for a second I wonder if he really called me or if it was just my fertile imagination. My hands are hidden deeply in my pockets as I stand in the middle of the room, somewhat paralysed and not exactly knowing what to do.

“Hum... Matthew?” I start after a few moments of silence and gulp. I just need to say something; I can’t just stand here and keep wondering what’s going to happen and why he called me in the first place. “You... You called me, right?”

He takes a long deep breath and looks at the ceiling. I have no idea about what is going on in his strange mind and what does he possibly want with me... Finally, as if this was a slow motion film, he turns around to face me and I’m not sure I can read his expression. Well, in fact I’m sure I can’t.

His eyebrows are furrowed as he tilts his head slightly to the side and looks at me, it seems like his studying me but I don’t know why... I feel the need to say something because, right now, silence is making me too nervous. Yeah, I really do hate silences. The way he’s looking at me makes me nervous as well and I feel the need to look away. So I do, I look at the light blue floor.

“Is everything alright?” I ask, hoping that my voice is not trembling too much. What is this game he seems to be playing? I have no fucking idea about the rules! 

“Yes” he says and I look up again. He takes a deep breath and a few steps towards me. “Everything is more than alright.”

After those words leave his mouth, everything happens too quickly.

Before I know, my back is pressed against the wall and he’s attacking my lips furiously as his hands pin my wrists against the same wall near my waist. I’m in shock, _in complete shock_ , and so I can’t move. My mouth doesn’t move, I don’t respond but I don’t offer any resistance to his advances either. I simply can’t find the strength to move. The stupid thing is...I’m not paralysed because I’m overwhelmed, because I’m finally feeling the touch of his rosy lips against mine, or his hands grabbing my sides as he leaves my wrists noticing that I won’t go anywhere. I’m feeling completely numb for a very different reason.

I don’t want it to happen like this. Not with Matthew...

Damn it, even though I never thought it would come true, I dreamt about this moment, this kiss, so many times... I don’t want it to be like this, I need to make him stop! I can’t even call it a kiss, it’s not a kiss, damn it! This is Matthew biting and sucking clumsily and desperately on my lips. Wait, did I think about this as desperation? Yes... And that’s the only thing I can feel coming from him. That’s the only feeling that my body, in this state of shock, can recognize. 

But why? Why is he doing this?

His lips leave mine and he frantically moves to my neck, one of his hands grabbing my hair tightly, forcing my head to move back a little, exposing the hot skin from my chin to my collar bones. Even though my mind doesn’t want this, _I_ don’t want this, my body is starting to respond and I can’t help but moan loudly when he discovers a sensitive point just below my ear.

Maybe if I could let go... maybe if I could forget how special he is to me and just go with the flow, it would be easier and my lust would be fulfilled. My frustrations could be forgotten for a while because, honestly, I really need to get laid. But Matthew means so much to me, so I can’t let it happen like this. Maybe I’m crazy to feel this way, maybe I’m just immature and naive, but that’s how I feel and I can’t help it.

“Matthew...” I manage to say, but it comes out as a moan and he probably misunderstood the reason behind it. That is, if he heard my voice at all. “Matthew stop.” He keeps going though and I feel one of his hands wandering down to my groin as the other grabs my hip. On no... I really have to stop him before it’s too late. “STOP!” I say as loud as I can, trying to push him back a little, as I feel his hand cupping me. I promise I’m not crazy... It’s insane to stop him because deep down I know this is what I need, what I desire. But it’s not what I want. Not like this. I can be such a girl...

“What?” He’s out of breath and the image of him as he looks at me takes my breath away. He’s breathing heavily, his lips are parted, all red and swollen and his hair is all messy. But I don’t even remember running my hands through it! That’s why this has to stop. If anything ever happens between us, I want to be able to remember it entirely, and possibly, as one of the best moments of my life.

“Stop...” I repeat, this time just above a whisper. “I don’t want this.”

The familiar smirk appears on his lips. “Your body doesn’t agree with you.” He says touching me again through my jeans. I groan again, feeling completely at his mercy because I know that I won’t be able to stop him if he keeps doing that... My body is screaming for him, for his touch, his skin, and I’m surprised that my mind is still able to rule it partially. But it will change if he keeps his ministrations.

“I know, but-“

“I’ve seen the way you look at me, Dominic.” He growls, his lips hovering over mine as his hands grip my shoulders forcefully. “It wasn’t hard to notice... You blush, you mutter your words whenever you talk to me, you _observe_ me... I believe other people noticed it too. They just never thought I’d do something about it. Something like this.” Another grope accompanied by a pleased smirk. I need to keep strong enough to stop this. 

I finally grab his wrists and make him step back, “I won’t deny that.” I know I need to be honest, what’s the point in denying what he already knows? It won’t take me anywhere and it will make me sound even dumber. “But I don’t want _this_. I don’t, so get. Your hands. Off. Of. Me.”

He keeps looking into my eyes as I fight not to be the one to break the intense eye contact. He’s challenging me; he’s silently asking me who the hell I think I am to deny him like this. I’m taking serious risks here, he may never want to talk to me ever again, and he may want to make my life hell from now on. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep up with it. What if I have to quit this job? Oh stop it, you’re being a drama queen now, Dominic.

“What are you saying?” He finally blurts out. “I’m offering... this to you, I know you want it, and you’re saying no?” Well, when he puts it like that, it seems stupid, I know. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I have the biggest crush on you, that’s what’s wrong with me. “Just forget it.” He takes a few steps back, still looking at me as if I had two heads. 

What have I done? I’m not sure if it was the right thing... Why couldn’t I just enjoy what he had to offer? Why do I have to be so dense?! I do I need a good slap right now, and some therapy too, because I think I’m completely out of my mind. I just refused Matthew Bellamy! The central object of my desire! I had him and I pushed him away. 

“Wait...” I say before the damage is too deep. I’m not going back on my word, but there’s something he needs to know. I’m not sure if this is the right time, probably not, but I just need to get it out of my system. And maybe that can make him calm down a little, because I can see that he is furious at me right now. I guess he thinks I humiliated him and that was not my intention at all.

“I don’t want to listen.”

“Matthew, please! Wait...” He stops when he notices that I’m pleading, his back still turned to me. This is my chance. “You were right. I... I do observe you and look at you like- Listen it’s not that I don’t want this to happen, I...deep down I do. Come on Matthew, you know I do. You’re... you’re beautiful, you’re... Oh I don’t know, you’re gracious, you’re a great skater and yes you’re beautiful. And I feel so fucking attracted to you. I’m sorry if I’m not making sense, well I’m not, but please don’t think I did this to humiliate you. That’s so far from the truth...” He doesn’t say a word, nor does he turn back, but he’s probably enjoying the compliments. “Matthew... You’ve been in my mind for a while and I do want you. But you... you mean so much more so that’s why I couldn’t let this happen. Not like this... If this is what you can offer me then, I’m sorry, but I can’t accept it. This is not who I am. And I never thought something like this would happen between us anyway. You barely look at me and I’ve been working here for a year and we only started talking a few weeks ago.”

I better just shut up now, I already said too much.

He turns around and I close my eyes, I’m too afraid to find him laughing at me or simply amused and ready to take the piss at my honest speech. I think he’s going to tease me forever... “Are you suggesting that...are you expecting me to have something serious _with you_?” 

Slowly, I part my eyelids to look at him. He’s frowning, not laughing. “I’m not expecting a single thing... I thought that was clear. But I don’t want a quick, mindless make out session or shag either.”

Silence. 

After what seems like an eternity, he takes a step in my direction. “What do you want then? A bed? You want me to take you out for a meal? You want to spend a romantic night making love until dawn and then fall asleep in my arms?” There... He’s making fun of me, the smirk already starting to appear in his lips. Well, at least someone finds this amusing. And then the laughter. I look down in defeat, my cheeks as red as his coat. That burning sensation starts to form on the back of my eyes, but I won’t surrender to it. 

Fucking stupid psycho. Why does he feel the need to act this way? He talks a bit more, and I cover my ears with my hands and close my eyes in an attempt to block it all out.  

“That’s not going to happen!” That’s the last thing he says before leaving. I mean, he mutters something under his breath after that, but I can’t catch it.

I don’t know for how long I stay here, in the same position, still unable to move. Have I made the biggest mistake of my life? Will I regret this forever?

If I take a good look inside my conscience, I just know I won’t regret. I don’t want to be _another one_ in Matthew’s life. I prefer to be nothing to him. I really do. It’s pathetic, I know, but unfortunately and for some unknown reasons, that guy means that much to me. Even though he never did anything to deserve this level of consideration or whatever it is.

As I make my way out of the changing room, I take a look around, hoping that there’s no one here because I’m in no mood to talk to anyone. I need to get home and I need to be alone.

I can’t even remember what his mouth tasted like...


	7. Chapter six

“Dom? Are you there?” Andrea asks me, waving a hand in front of my face, as we start making our way out of Uni.

 

I blink, finally remembering that she is walking by my side “Yeah, what’s up?” I smile, trying to sound cheerful not to let her notice that something is going on with me, that’s why I’ve been even quieter than usual for the last two weeks. It has been so hard... so hard to be around Matthew, who went back to his previous task of ignoring me, by the way. It’s getting painful to work there. Before all this happened, before he started talking to me, I didn’t feel this way. Yeah, it bothered me that he seemed not to notice me, but nothing comes close to how I feel now.

 

Because now I know what I lost. Because now I know that maybe I could have had a chance.

 

“With me? Nothing... But something’s up with you.” She smiles back. Not many of the people I hang out with noticed my slight change (because honestly I didn’t change that much, I was always very timid and quiet), but it seems like she has. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

 

We’re kind of close, but it’s not like we spend a lot of time together out of class. Otherwise she would know me better and know that I’m gay and all that stuff. And she doesn’t... But I guess that, if I felt the need to talk to someone, it would certainly be her.

 

“I’m alright... Just a bit tired I guess. You know, with the exams and all that shit.”

 

“What’s all that shit?”

 

“Huh?”

 

Chuckling she shakes her head and looks ahead, facing the sun that is setting down already. “You said study and then all that shit so I was wondering what you meant by that.”

 

“Well, we all have our own problems besides studying, don’t we?” I shrug. I just don’t feel like opening up to her or to anyone, for that matter. Maybe it would do me good, but I just don’t feel like it. This is my problem, so I have to solve it, even if I have to quit that job and find another one. But I don’t want to run away... That’s not the solution and I’m not that weak. On the surface I may seem fragile, but I know I have my strength too.

 

“Yes, of course.” She stops and grabs my arm, making me face her. “You can talk to me if you ever feel like it. I know you like your solitude, I don’t know why and possibly neither do you, but you like it and you are used to it. But you need to get out of that shell, Dom... I know that it feels comfortable now but it won’t be like that forever.”

 

Where did that come from? I certainly wasn’t expecting her to say something like that. Maybe I was more obvious than I thought over the last couple of weeks.

 

“Thanks, Andrea.” I smile fondly; I know she’s doing this with the best intentions. “But I’m just fine at the moment. And I don’t feel like talking.”

 

*

 

There are days when I simply can’t find the minimal will to study. Well, nights in this case. After washing the dishes with Adam, I retreat to my room and try to concentrate on the content of my books because it’s Thursday already and I have an exam on Monday. Even though I still have time to read it twice, I just can’t memorize things in this state. I’m reading, but my mind keeps flowing elsewhere... It’s so frustrating! I can’t fail this exam because of _him_. And then I have another one on Wednesday which makes everything more complicated. Well, fucked up would be a better word to classify what’s going on.

 

I tap my pencil on the desk and close my eyes for a moment to try and tell myself to concentrate, to forget about all the rest and just focus on what’s written in the damn books. It was a bad choice though... As soon as my eyelids press together, I see the immense blue of Matthew’s eyes. With a heavy sigh, I open them again, but I’m immediately disturbed by the loud, unpleasant sound of the doorbell.

 

My body doesn’t move an inch. Adam will get it because he’s doing nothing besides watching TV at the moment. The lucky bastard is having a free week... I should have chosen Law, like him, instead of Biology.

 

Anyway, I need to concentrate.

 

_A_ [ _DNA_ ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DNA) _array is a collection of spots attached to a solid support such as a_ [ _microscope slide_ ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microscope_slide) _where each spot contains one or more single-stranded DNA_ [ _oligonucleotide_ ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oligonucleotide) _fragment. Arrays make it possible to put down a large quantity of very small (100 micrometre diameter) spots on a single slide._

 

Fuck, this is as boring as hell!

 

An intrusive knock on the door makes me roll my eyes, “Come in.” I grunt as I run my hands over my tired face.

 

“Sorry Dom, but there’s a guy here that wants to talk to you. I told him you were studying but he insisted...”

 

I frown, my heart starts beating a bit faster. No... It couldn’t be.

 

“He says his name is Matthew Bellamy.” I must have gone white. Adam keeps rambling. “Isn’t he that British skater you talked about? The one that won that Silver Medal?” I can’t talk. I lost my voice. “Dom?

 

“Y-Yes.” I finally manage to blurt out. “What d-does he want?”

 

“He just said he really needs to talk to you.” Silence. I need to regain my composer, that guy cannot see me like this. He can’t say how affected I am. “Dom? Can I tell him to come in or are you going to the living room?”

 

Ah? Oh yes, he’s in the living room. I can’t let him come to my room! No way. Yes, I guess I’m going in there, see what he wants and hopefully it’s nothing bad and he will return home because he probably needs to rest so it must be really quick. And I’m over thinking everything again! Argh! Stop! Stupid mind of mine, you need to stop or someday you might explode!

 

“You alright mate? You’re quite pale...” I gulp and nod. “What does this guy want?” He shrugs, noticing that it must be a big deal for me because of the uncommon way I’m reacting to it.

 

“I don’t remember that being anything of your business!” Maybe I’m being a bit too harsh on poor Adam. Nothing of this is his fault anyway. “Sorry, Adam... I didn’t mean that. It’s a bit complicated. He just gets on my nerves when I’m working at the rink and I don’t know what he can possibly want with me. I mean, how does he know where I live, by the way?”

 

Adam shrugs, “I can tell him to go away if you want. He cannot force you to talk to him if you don’t want to.”

 

“No, there’s no need.” I say with determined voice, as I get up from my wooden chair.

 

“What happened to this house’s inhabitants’ manners when it comes to receiving a visitor?” I hear Matthew’s voice from out of the door. “It’s awfully rude to leave someone waiting in a living room for so long, you know?”

 

In an attempt to try to calm down, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I can do this, I really can do this. He’s the one who should be ashamed for what he did, he’s the one who has been ignoring me.

 

“I don’t remember inviting you over.” I say just before he appears right behind Adam. Our eyes lock and though he’s trying to seem calm and in charge of the situation, there’s something else in those depths: he’s confused and nervous too; he’s just too damn good at hiding it.

 

But that fucking lopsided grin… It’s making me grit my teeth in exasperation.

 

“That doesn’t change a single thing.” He simply says. After a small moment of staring into my eyes, he turns to Adam who must be thinking he’s having some kind of a weird dream. He doesn’t have the slightest idea of what’s going on, of how _deep_ this situation is, or at least I think he doesn’t. I don’t even want to think about what will happen when he tells Scotty and the other guys. After this, they will most likely face me as an insane person and offer me the weirdo of the year Gold Medal. “Could you leave us alone for a moment?” At least he’s being polite.

 

Adam turns to me again with a questioning look and I can’t help but nod. Contrary to what I expected, he doesn’t move right away. “It’s alright.” I assure him. Somehow it’s good to know that he would help me putting Matthew out of the house if I needed that. But I know that’s not the correct way out of this mess.

 

It doesn’t take long before I’m alone with Matthew. In my room. He closes the door behind him and turns to me again.

 

“If you’re here to make sure I won’t tell anyone what happened in that changing room you can turn around and leave. It’s been two weeks, I’m over it, and your secret is safe.”

 

His grin widens. He takes a step forward. No, please not again. I don’t think I can cope with this a second time. My mind won’t have the same power over my body twice. Instinctively, I take one step bed, but now I’m dangerously close to my bed.

 

“I know, Dominic.” Sometimes I wish I had the strength to be a complete bastard to him and tell people what he did. But that wouldn’t be me. And what would I win, anyway? His hatred for sure, and possibly the hatred of other people, I could even lose my job (even though I’m seriously starting to think about quitting it). I don’t think it would have a negative influence on his career as a skater, but he would probably start hearing some bad comments coming from homophobes. Because unfortunately those narrow minded people exist everywhere.

 

I would never want something like that to happen. It’s against my own morals. And of course, I’m a gay man in the closet as well.

 

“What the hell do you want then? And how did you find this place?”

 

“Oh come on, finding out where you live was the easiest part. I just had to ask a few questions.” He shrugs and scratches his eyebrow. Is that nervousness I sense there? I sure hope so. “Now, the other question… I’m not sure about what I’m doing here myself.” He sighs and I let out the breath I was holding when I realize that, contrary to what came to my mind a moment before, what happened two weeks ago won’t be repeated now.

 

When I take in what he said though, I can’t help but gasp “What?” That I wasn’t expecting. My knees are going weak but I can’t sit down. The last thing I need is to have him looking down at me, it’s much more intimidating. “You came here, asked to talk to me and you don’t know why?”

 

Another shrug. I’d do almost anything to know what is going on in his mind, what his deepest thoughts are. I’d love to know about his own fears, his insecurities, because he has them too, but he’s just so difficult to read... I wonder if one day I’ll be able to understand this man.

 

“You don’t know me, I’m very impulsive. One moment I thought about coming here to talk to you and on the other I was already at your door.”

 

“But something must have fuelled your decision…”

 

“No, not really.”

 

“Don’t you have to practise early tomorrow, by the way? It’s almost midnight.”

 

“No… I have the Friday off.”

 

Interesting. He doesn’t have practice tomorrow which means he could be having fun tonight, but still he chose to come here and play these mind tricks with me.

 

“Listen, I really have to study, so if you have nothing to say please leave me alone so I can do what I’m supposed to be doing.”

 

“So, you’re going to have exams soon?”

 

What the fuck is this game he’s playing!? Does he want to have a little chat with me as if nothing ever happened? It’s making me want to scream in frustration because I’m clueless! He has nothing to do so he just decided to come here and make me even more confused than I already am? And I have to study, for fucks sake!

 

“Matthew… I need to sit down and finish reading this. I can’t fail the exams, get it?”

 

He smiles, that real smile I saw in the past, before the _incident_ in the changing room. I somewhat regret what I just said. Of course he gets it… Sometimes I wonder about how he truly feels about his skating. I mean, I’m sure he loves it, anyone can see that irradiating from his body whenever he’s on the ice, but I’d love to know how he feels about the big competitions, the pressure and the expectations everyone has on him.

 

It must be stressing to a point that even I cannot imagine. I mean, I know what pressure is because I feel it myself whenever an exam is near. I know I can’t stay in Uni longer than normal because my parents _are_ making sacrifices so I can study. I simply can’t fail on them and on me. So far it has been going on normally, I’m not one of the best students around but I’ve been passing the exams and I’m really interested about some subjects; I always loved Biology so I guess I’m doing the right thing. I just cannot fail.

 

And Matthew… Matthew must feel the weight of the world on his shoulders from time to time. More precisely the weight of Britain’s figure skating, because everybody trusts him and thinks he’s some kind of a savior of this sport. I wonder how he copes with it so well… Or at least it seems like he does. He’s a cold bastard, but that can be just a way of self protection. This young man is losing his youth because of skating, he’s offering his most vital years to the sport and still, when you look at him, you find no doubt in those blue eyes. It’s like he’s always in control of the situation and doesn’t regret a single thing.

 

Well, I believe he doesn’t regret his choices, if he did he wouldn’t be so committed, but it must be damn hard sometimes.  

 

“I get it… I get it completely.”

 

I sigh and look down, having no idea about what to do or say next.

 

“I’ll leave you to your studies then.” I make an effort to look back up at him and nod with a small smile. “And Dominic… This heavy atmosphere between us… There’s no need for it to exist.” So _that_ was why he came here. He just didn’t want to say it straight away. Matthew Bellamy made all the way to this small flat I share with two guys to tell me, with other words, that he wants to have more of those conversations with me, the ones we shared before that ‘kiss’.

 

Fuck.

 

“You don’t need to take me to the door.” He winks.

 

How am I supposed to study now?


	8. Chapter seven

This day has been hell... I’m so fucking nervous waiting for the exam’s results, that I can’t do anything right. I don’t think they went well because my study was very... well, difficult, I simply couldn’t concentrate, my mind was not cooperating and I spent hours just staring at the books.

Anyway, there’s still hope for me to pass the bloody tests, but this waiting is killing me.

“Dom!” That’s Andrea. Oh dear... By the tone of her voice I guess the results are already on the placard. “They just put the results on the board. Come on let’s see.” I gulp and let her take my hand as she leads me to said board. “You’re going to be fine, I’m sure.” She winks in my direction. Will I? It’s frightening to think that a single minute can change my near future... I’ll either be deliriously happy or clinically depressed when I see those grades.

When we get there, I see the mass of students from our year, some staring at the paper with frowns, some shouting “YES!” and others just backing up with a huge smile or a sad look. I take a deep breath and bite on my lower lip as I get close enough to read my name and then, finally, I look at the letters next to it.

“We did it, Dom!” I let out the breath I was holding and a big smile plays across my face. “We fucking did it!” My grades are not good, I can recognize that, I just _passed_ , right on the limit. But I couldn’t be expecting any better considering my studying sessions.

“Yes... One more step towards the end, eh?” I ask, more to myself than to her. I can’t wait to finish this course and get a job where I can get enough money for me and, if I can, send a bit to my parents. I’m not one of those people who absolutely adore University life, the parties, the get-togethers, and all that stuff... But deep down I know that once this part of my life is over, I’ll miss it. That’s what human beings are like, never satisfied with the present and only realize what they have when they lose it. 

“Don’t go all meaningful and profound now, Dom, we need to celebrate this tonight, what do you say?”  

“Huh?” 

“Come on, it’s Friday night, we don’t have to worry about this shit and we can have a great time.” She rambles away as we walk away from the board. “I’ll call Ruben and some friends, tell Adam to come too and bring his girlfriend!” She keeps on planning while I keep walking by her side, my hands in my pockets.  

“We’ll see... I still have to work and all, if I don’t get home to tired, than yes.” I smile, trying to sound convincing and happy about the possibility to go out with a big group of people when deep down I just want to be left in peace.

“Oh come on Dom, your work is not that hard... And you stay there what, two hours? Imagine how it will be when you have a nine to five job! You will die after the first week!” She chuckles and I try to chuckle along with her I scratch my chin. 

“But, when that happens, I won’t be working and studying at the same time.”

*

When I get to the rink, I notice that I still have a few minutes before I have to start so I take the moment to call my mother and tell her the good news. Like I expected, she’s extremely excited and tells me that she can’t wait to congratulate me in person. As always, I tell her that it was nothing, just my obligation, and there’s still a long way ahead anyway.

After putting the phone back in my pocket, I make my walk to the rink to find Matthew still there as always. The last couple of weeks have been... well awkward. He’s been training for the World Championship that will take place in about three weeks, so we didn’t have time to actually talk since he went to my apartment. One part of me is glad, but the other part just wants to be able to sit down next to him again, to hear his voice as he talks _to me_ , to see the surprise look in his eyes whenever I mention something related to figure skating...

A smile grows on my face. This is a happy day. I passed the exams and I get to see Matthew practising. Though I have to clean the area around the rink, with the vacuum cleaner, but I can always take a look at what he’s doing. 

Ah, this is what I call happiness at work. 

He pauses to drink a bit of water and as he looks around the rink, he finds me, cleaner in my hand, and nods. I nod back and smile, but before I know he’s practising again. I sigh and continue my work as my mind drifts to the “party” I’m supposed to go to tonight. It will be good, I will have a great time! I need to put these ideas in my head or I know I’ll just end up in a corner. And there’s one more thing. I’m seriously afraid of getting drunk. Who knows what I could say or do in that state! No, I can’t risk it... And of course, that’s difficult for my mates to understand. I mean, they don’t understand.

But tonight will be a good one. _It will_. If at least I could come up with an excuse... No! That’s not the spirit Dominic! You need to go out and get some fresh air.

Sighing, I grab the cleaner to put it in its place once I finish, and take a quick glance at the rink. Matthew is getting out, so I can clean the ice already.

“Alright, Matt, this was a good one. See you tomorrow at 7, yeah?”

“Sure!”

So, Matthew is leaving, he’s near me, taking off his skates. Maybe I should say something, I’m tired of this awkwardness, it was easier when he didn’t notice me. But I admit that it feels better now, even though it’s more difficult to be around him. I’m not making sense.

“Hey there!”

“Hi!” He says looking up at me for a moment. But his attention goes back to the skates to quickly and I wonder if I should just leave or say something else. 

“Getting ready for World’s I reckon...”

“Yeah.” He mumbles. Someone is in a bad mood. Well, I better leave him alone then, maybe another chance will come soon. “Hang on a second!” I turn around to face him again. “You really need to work on your politeness, Dominic. What happened to saying ‘bye’?”

“I...” With a frown, I look down at my feet. He’s playing games again... He never seems to get tired of it. “I thought you wanted to be alone or something. What’s with the monosyllabic answers? That’s not polite either!”

With a chuckle, he turns back to his skates finally taking them off. Sometimes I wonder why he never takes them off in the changing room (that was random, I know), he usually gets into his flip-flops and only then goes to the changing room. It’s probably just a silly ritual of his.

“It depends on the question asked.” He says standing up, holding his skates in his hands. “I never asked... How did your exams go?”

I need to take a moment to register what he just said.

I mean, it’s not what he asked that is important, many people have asked me that already, but this is _Matthew Bellamy_ asking _me_ about my exams! There must be something hidden under this sudden nice behaviour. Well, he’s not nice, not yet anyway, but he’s certainly acting different towards me. What if he’s planning something? Gah! Stop it!

“Well, I guess the answer maybe be kind of difficult...”

“I... I passed them.” I smile nervously.  

“But that’s great!”

“Yeah... hum...” Now what? I’m sick of this strange vibe between us, and it has to be my fault because he seems to be acting like a normal person now. But I know that part of me is still waiting for him to have a go at me and mock me around.   

“So, I assume tonight you’re going to party until dawn.” There’s something in his voice when he says that; something that I can’t classify and could perfectly be just my imagination. But the way he says it...

“Yeah, I guess.” I shrug. “I’m not really the party boy but I guess tonight I have a good reason to give it a go.”

“I thought all University students were party people. I guess I was wrong.” He starts walking towards the changing rooms but stops at some point and turns around again. “Go out tonight Dominic, seriously. You’ve worked hard for something, you deserve your reward.”

Chuckling, I lift a hand to my face to rub my tired eyes. I didn’t sleep that well last night... I just have so much in my head! “Maybe a party is not the best reward for me since I’m not into it that much, right?”

When my eyes meet his again I shudder. There’s a certain intensity there, and, again, I can’t quite read it. “What reward would you want, then?” Do you seriously want me to answer that question, Matthew? I don’t think you do... What would I want? I wanted to be able to hold you right now... Not like what you did that time, I wanted something with meaning... Because I’m craving so much that I think I might go insane at any second. 

“I don’t know... I think I need a proper rest.” I look at the wall next to me as I say that. 

“I see... But I’m sure you’ll have plenty of time to rest during the weekend.”

*

“Dommy! She can’t take her eyes off of you! She’s really staring at you as if you were her prey...” Adam says in my ear. “Go for it man!”

I roll my eyes in frustration. There’s no way to make him understand that I’m not interested without sounding like a loser. Why oh why didn’t his girlfriend come with us? If that was the case, he would be busy with her and wouldn’t bother trying to find someone I may hook up with. We’re in a somewhat quiet place of the pub so we can talk to each other without having to scream.

“Adam, I’m not very inspired tonight... I got up really early, had a full day so I think I’ll just have another drink and go home, yeah?” There’s no need to look at him, I can perfectly guess the look of disbelief in his face. 

“But Dom, you have plenty of time to rest tomorrow! You need a bird, man, you’ve been working too much.” And he’s already shoving me towards this brunette who, yes I know, is stunning and is looking at me with hungry eyes indeed. She must like someone who seems not as naughty as her so she can teach a few things... Many women are into that, or so I’ve heard...               “Come on, I’ll go there with you.”

Before I know, we’re standing in front of her and Adam is already making small talk. If I was a mole I’d dig a hole in this fucking floor and disappear! Moles must be happy creatures. Ha.

“So, Camille, this is Dominic, but we all call him Dom. Suits him, don’t you think?” I will kill him. And I’d still like to be a mole.

“Perfectly.” She extends her hand to me and Adam gives me a nudge. I look at him in what I hope is a menacing stare but he just grins and winks.

“Nice to meet you.” I try to give her a look that, despite being polite and meaning no offense, I’m not in the mood. Unfortunately, she doesn’t understand, or chooses to not understand, probably the latter, and doesn’t let go of my hand. I don’t want to be rude, in fact, I hate to be rude, so I do nothing against it and simply hope that she will let go at some point and chase someone else. 

People usually don’t notice me, so why did she?!

“Alright... I need to use the loo. See you guys around.” I will definitely kill him. 

He’s supposed to be my friend. Friends don’t do these things to each other, do they? There’s no doubt that the look I’m giving him as he leaves is a desperate one. Fucking hell Adam, why can’t you listen to me and be supportive? 

Ah... Because he doesn’t know what’s going on in my head. Because he thinks that this is the best for me.

“So Dom... Or do you prefer Dominic?” Matthew always calls me Dominic... I wish one day that changes because that will mean that we will be closer at some point in the future. It’s funny but people only start calling me Dom a short while after they meet me and if they develop a certain closeness with me.

“Dom is fine.” Dominic reminds me of Matthew.

“Good, I like it.” Her hand grabs mine tighter and I gulp, feeling like I have no way out of this, unless I embarrass myself to a point where people will keep talking about this situation until next year. Her free hand is resting on my arm by this point and she takes a step towards me.

Instinctively, I take a step back. This is so pathetic...

“Do you like to dance, Dom?” 

Maybe this is my way out because I’m a terrible dancer. There’s a tiny possibility that she lets go of me when she realises that. At least I hope so, even though I don’t really believe it.

“No, not really...”

A mischievous smile forms in her full pink lips, a smile that reaches her dark eyes. She _is_ a beautiful woman indeed, I have eyes on my face and I can see that. It could be so easy if I was straight, so much less painful. As a matter of fact, my experiences with women before in the past were not that bad. I had a girlfriend in my middle teens, I really liked that girl but there was something missing. At the time I had no idea what it was. Sex with her was good but not great, not _mind-blowing_ , holding hands felt comfortable but not _right_ , going out with her was fun but it was like going out with friends. In a few words, I didn’t feel complete.

About one year after finishing that relationship, after some quick flings with other woman, I found out why.

“Good. I don’t like it either.” Okay... This wasn’t the answer I was expecting, and I have the feeling that it will make things worse. She leans closer until her lips are close to my ear. “Let’s get out of here then,” she whispers seductively, “There’s no point in staying in this place if we’re not going to dance to this loud music.”

Not good. Not good at all.

“Err... In fact I think I should stay. My friends are over there and all.”

“Oh come on, Dommy boy.” Don’t use that nick name. I fucking hate it, especially in this situation. She leans back again with the same almost dirty smile. “I can assure you’ll love our little... get together.”

This is getting way too strange. Why is this stunning woman so interested in _me_? She can get anyone she wants... Okay, maybe she likes a challenge but, come on, I’m being so obvious here... The next step is telling her with all words that I’m not interested and nothing is going to happen.

“What do you say?”

“Camille”, how to say this without hurting her feelings? “You’re gorgeous, beautiful. But I... I don’t want this. I’m tired, sleepy and the only reason I came here was because my friends insisted.” Her facial expression changes... But she doesn’t seem angry or hurt, it’s weird but I think I saw a look of realisation there. Oh no... I guess I was _too_ obvious.

I wait for her to say something, hoping that I’m wrong, that she didn’t realize I’m gay, that she just understood that I’m really not in the mood. 

“You should talk more with your friends, Dominic, prevent them from wasting their money because clearly you’re not interested in me or in any other woman in this club or any place in the world.” Wait... wasting money? What did she mean by that? “It must be really difficult, I know, but you have to give it a try, or the self pity and the hiding will destroy you.”

With that, she places a kiss on my cheek and leaves.

Wasting money?! She’s a hooker! And they set this up! Fucking hell, I’m seriously going to kill them! But then I remember her words... She was so right. It’s ridiculous that someone who doesn’t know me just said something that is so close to my current way of living.

But that won’t stop me from killing those bastards! Who the hell do they think they are to set up something like this?

And then it hits me. They pity me. 


	9. Chapter eight

“Come on, Dom! Just chill out! We had the best intentions, man...” I simply roll my eyes as I get ready so I can leave as soon as possible. Needless to say, this weekend was terrible. I’ve been avoiding my roommates, who luckily are only “house mates” so I can always go to my room and lock myself there. What they did was low and humiliating and if they thought I would just laugh it off they were very wrong.

“I just want you both to leave me alone.” Eventually, I’ll forgive them, but it’s still too soon. Part of me wants to be able to forget about what happened because I like these guys, they’re my friends and this atmosphere is killing me. But the darker side of my personality wants them to feel terribly bad about it, because they deserve it! It seems impossible for them to understand how I felt when I realised that Adam was putting on an act when we talked to that woman, that they knew all along...well, I knew all along that someone as good-looking as that would not be interested in me. 

It shouldn’t matter, because I’m gay, so the fact that she would never give me a second look if she wasn’t being paid for that shouldn’t be important. But, well, it is in a way... It’s important for my self esteem, I guess.

As I make my way to the lift and then out of the apartment, some thoughts that have been assaulting my mind since Friday night come back to me. The thing is, _I am_ the one responsible for all that’s happening. I am the only person responsible for this depression that is, little by little, taking my most vital years away from me.

And that needs to change. I need to do something to stop it... As time goes by, it will get more and more difficult so I need to act quickly. Maybe what happened Friday wasn’t that bad after all, maybe I needed that shock, that “slap” on my face.

But, what to do? Where to start? That sensation of being completely lost invades me and makes me feel so small. But I...I know what I want, _who_ I want and I know I need to have a serious conversation with my so called friends. I’ll probably leave that till the last. I’ll talk to Matthew first, even though I know that his reaction may change my mind and stop this apparent determination, send me back to my comfortable shell. But I have to try, I know I have to. Though, I still need to find out if I have the courage to go forward with this. If only I had someone on my side to help me, someone trustable... If Matthew- no! I can’t think that way. Even if I confess a couple of things to him I can expect nothing from him, that much is clear. He never lied, he never fooled me... 

*

My hands are trembling as I finish my work, and my brain is almost exploding with so many questions floating around, so many doubts. What do I tell him? How far do I need to go? What will he say? Will he laugh at me? Will he pity me like the others do? Should I try and kiss him?

Should I offer myself to him?

Stop! I can’t predict anything that will happen within the next hour, or if anything will happen at all. Knowing me, I know there’s a chance I will give up on everything once I’m in front of Matthew. I don’t want that to happen, but unfortunately I know too well that it is a plausible possibility.

“Are you alright, Dominic?” Mrs. Stone asks once I’m out of the zamboni. 

“Yes, yes...” I should add something to that sentence, make it more believable, but nothing comes to my mind. I just hope she doesn’t asking question after question

“Alright... I’m going then. See you tomorrow, son.”

With a sigh of relief, I nod and wave. So this is it. Most people are already heading home, Mr. Kent is still in his office and Ann is still on the rink, but apart from that, everything is calm around here. I know Matthew must be changing into his regular clothes, or maybe in the shower. Oh... Matthew in the shower. How pleasant would it be if I had the guts to surprise him there? The mere though makes me snort and shake my head.

Taking a seat on a bench where I can see the door to the men’s changing rooms, I wait. My head is still having a fight of its own, I mean, my body probably has something to say as well, but apart from that, I’m finally starting to think about this in a positive way. Whether he laughs or understands whatever I tell him (I don’t exactly know what I’m going to tell him, anyway), I think I will feel much better once I get off my chest. 

But... he already knows I feel painfully attracted to him, I told him, so what should I tell him now? Or should I shut up and just act? 

Fuck it.

Too soon, I see him walking out and, before it’s too late, before I turn into a coward again, I get up and quickly make my way to him. I need to stop thinking for a moment or I’ll never succeed.

“Matthew.” I catch him right on time and he turns around, his bag slung over his shoulder. He looks really gorgeous in his regular clothes: black pants, grey sweater and a red jacket. His hair is still wet and his skin is a bit flushed. I dare say he looks adorable. “I’d like to have a word with you, if that’s okay?”

For a brief moment, he furrows his eyebrows, maybe wondering what I want this time, but then he nods. “Yeah, but please be quick because I don’t have much time.”

My heart is getting ready to do a triple axel jump, I’m sure. “Well, I... Since you’re in a hurry maybe I could tell you tomorrow.” Here it is... My determination is flying out of the window.

“Dominic, the Worlds are too close, I think I’ll always be on a hurry until then. So, if it’s something important I suggest you just spit it out.”

Right. Spit it out. 

“Oh, yeah, The Worlds. I hope it-“

“Dominic.” He stops me mid sentence. Triple Axel my ass, my heart just executed the quadruple jump! “I’m sorry, but I really have no time for this shit, so if this is your idea about something important to say, I don’t care and I really have to go.” Hs words were a bit harsh but, if he really wasn’t interest about what I have to say he wouldn’t be here anymore. 

My fear doesn’t register that completely though, and I’m getting more and more nervous. “Ye-yeah... Never mind me. You should go... You need to get your re-rest and all.” The words stumble out of my mouth and I just know I’m making a fool of myself. Again.

“Fucking hell, man! Look at the state of you!” What state? That obvious, huh? I probably look like someone who’s going to make an announcement about the end of the world. “Okay... What’s up?”

Deep breaths. This is my chance. He’s actually listening to me, something people rarely do. That thought makes me smile slightly. “I... Do you remember what I told you about last Friday? About the party?” 

There’s a little nod, but he’s still oblivious. Well, of course he is, I’ve said nothing yet. “You’re not planning on having a chit chat about something that went wrong at the party, are you? I mean, I’m not your buddy.”

Okay, it didn’t start so well. But he’s still here, that’s what matters. “No... No, I have a point here. You guessed something right though, the party went wrong, _too_ wrong. But it also made me realise something, and that’s where you come in.”

So how do I continue this now? “Where do I come in?”

I run my hands over my face, and feel like I’m suffocating. Why is this so damn difficult? “My friends did something, well, something that made me furious. But I don’t think there’s a need to go there-“

“What did they do?”

Is this curiosity, does he care or is he simply trying to find another reason to laugh at me? “They...they tried to set me up with a-a hooker.” I look at the floor as I say this, there’s no way I can be brave enough to look into his eyes right now. “It was an act... I had no idea who she was at first.”

“Ouch.” 

“Yeah, I know.” Wait... Did he just show some sympathy? Slowly, I look back up at him and...he’s not laughing. Actually I think he’s being nice. “I-Well, it felt like a huge punch on the stomach.” Matthew simply nods; I guess he’s still wondering what the hell he has to do with this. Or maybe he knows... “So, anyway, what they did really made me think about some...decisions, wrong decisions, I’ve been doing lately

Matthew sighs and looks around him. He looks a bit nervous himself, nervous about what I’ll say next. “I’m no psychologist, you know?” He snorts. 

I smile, still breathing hard, even though it’s not going bad so far. “I know, but you’ve been one of the best listeners so far.” That’s a bit unfair to my friends though, because I don’t know if they’re good listeners or not, simply because I’ve never asked them to listen. “Anyway, how do I put this...?”

“What about going straight to the point?” Yeah... what about it?

But the words get caught in my throat. And he already has an idea about how I feel; maybe he even knows what I’m trying to say. In a moment of desperation, because I don’t know what else to say or do and yet I can’t let this opportunity pass, I grab his wrist and take him back to the changing rooms. Surprisingly, he doesn’t say a word and does nothing to stop me, it’s like he was already expecting this.

When we get in there, I stop and wait a little, trying to calm down my racing heart, before I turn around to face him.

“Forget what I said the other day.” The words leave my mouth almost without my permission. My instincts are talking, not my brain. Somehow that feels fucking exciting!

“What?” He’s still trying to make sure that I’ve really said this. I believe it was too humiliating for him, and he probably needs to make sure I won’t repeat those actions. 

“I need you Matthew. I’m dying here; I’m suffocating because I’ve been such a moron for months now. I’m so afraid of everything that I’m not even _living_ anymore.”

“What do I have to do with that?” You fucking well know! I grab his upper arms, not too forcefully, but strong enough to make him realise how desperate and needy I am.

“Everything!” He closes his eyes for a mere second and when he opens them again I notice that they’re darker than usual. “Everything...” I repeat, my voice sounding just above a whisper.

In a slow movement, I get closer to him, my eyes never leaving his wide ones. I can see he’s scared I’ll freak out on him, but, come on, I’m the one starting it this time. No more thinking. I give in to my deepest desires and sink my lips into his. Not once does he try to get away, and he seems to be accepting the kiss, the way I want to kiss him, willingly.

His mouth tastes like mint. I can say he was probably chewing gum recently and it’s so soft... I find myself wishing this was our first kiss. But if I think more deeply about it I realise that I wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t ‘attacked’ me that day. The softness of his mouth and tongue is really as appealing as I thought it would be. Or even more.

Last time I didn’t realise any of it, not only because I was in a state of shock but because it was too rushed. He’s responding to the kiss, his tongue adjusting to mine, trying to find the rhythm that is most pleasurable for us, but his arms are still at his sides. It doesn’t make much sense to me and this time I want him to touch me all over. On the other hand, I have no clue about what to do next because he’s not showing me anything, I don’t know what he wants... But at least he’s kissing me back. His warm, wet mouth seems to be welcoming me.

I need to try something before frustration takes the best of me, so one of my hands wonders down his arm, along the soft cotton of his coat until it reaches his own hand. Impulsively, I entwine our fingers and caress the back of his hand with my thumb. Wrong move.

In a quick movement, his lips leave mine and he looks at me with a frown as he takes his hand away from mine. “What are you doing?”

“I told you!” Please... Don’t go away now...

Taking a deep breath he thinks for a moment before he starts speaking again. “I’m not taking back what I said that day, Dominic. I meant it and nothing changed.”

“Well, we know a bit more about each other, since last time.” I risk saying. It’s true... I know we won’t have a commitment or anything but... it doesn’t seem so meaningless anymore, not even to him. Maybe he doesn’t know it, but I can sense it now. I don’t think I’m just another one.

But I could be wrong, too.

“Dominic-“

“I won’t be expecting anything from you in the future. You made that clear and I respect you and your wish, but...I need you _now_.” I get closer to him again, hoping that he won’t laugh in my face and go away saying that I should have thought about it weeks ago. “I... I need you.” I repeat.

There’s a slight frown across his eyebrows, he seems to be wondering whether he should give this opportunity, this _honour_ , or not. For my relief, it doesn’t take long before his features relax and a smirk spreads across his lips.

Before I know, he’s kissing me, not as roughly as he did the time but not as soft as I kissed him either. Oh but I like it. He places one hand on the back of my neck, practically guiding my head; what can I say? The man likes to be in control of the situation. His other hand is placed on my lower back, taking me closer to him. I let go of his mouth, feeling an extreme need to taste that porcelain skin of his and yes, it’s as smooth as I had imagined. And it’s... delicious!

A loud moan reaches my ears and makes me smile against the pale expanse of his neck. He’s moaning because of what I’m doing to him, how gratifying is that? The hand that was on the back of my neck is now clenching my hair. It hurts a bit but I couldn’t care less. Stopping my attack on his neck, I breathe in his fresh scent, that characteristic aroma of someone who got out of the shower only minutes ago, so addictive! He moans again when I breathe out, the air getting out of my lungs and hitting his hot and sensitive skin.

Going back for his mouth, I gasp into it as I feel him grabbing my arse through my jeans. Fuck this is getting too much. My head is floating as I lose myself in Matthew Bellamy. And it’s one of the most intense feelings I have ever felt, maybe because I had never been so entranced by someone in my life.

Grabbing the waistband of my jeans as he lets go of my mouth, he walks backwards dragging me with him until his back is pressed against the wall. I grin wildly, biting on my lip at the sight before my eyes, but quickly go for his neck again. More moans and sighs and now I feel him shuddering between the wall and me. I look at him again, breathing heavily, and gulp at the way his eyes are darkened, intense, irresistible. And those swollen lips... Oh my...  I feel like eating him.

“What now, Dominic?” He asks in between his own heavy breaths. Sliding one hand behind me again, he pushes my hips towards him, pressing our groins together. We both groan at the contact, and somehow, the fact that he’s as hard as me makes me much more confident. “What’s your solution for this... rigid ice taking care of our bodies?”

With a lopsided grin, I give him the only answer I could ever give. “Only the body heat can solve it.” Then I get closer to his lips, our hips still close together. “Fuck me.”

“You think you deserve such an honour?” He’s panting, still grabbing my arse as he licks his lips with a mischievous smile.

“No, not really. But you’re so generous, aren’t you?”

He leans in a bit until his lips are close to my ear “I guess this is your lucky day.” We share another heavy kiss, until he stops me, making me take a few steps back. “Not here. In the shower zone.” I throw him a questioning look. “We’re too close to the door here.” Realization hits me. Sure, we can’t get caught... But what bothers me somehow is the fact that he knows the best place to have sex in the changing rooms without getting caught. That means this is not new for him at all. Oh stop it! Don’t ruin everything now! 

“I know that because, Jason tends to sing in the shower and nobody hears him outside.” Ah... I smile at that feeling a certain relief. “Which doesn’t mean I never did _anything_ there.” I gulp and he chuckles shaking his head, searching for something on his locker once he finds the key in his pocket. “You’re so easy to wind up...” I scratch the back of my head self consciously. Yeah... I guess I am. “And yes, before you open your eyes wide at me, I have condoms in my locker. Not lube though...but I’m sure we can find something else for the same effect....” He rambles away. “Stop the inner battle, it won’t take you anywhere, man...” He smiles; I could almost say he smiles tenderly. “No... I don’t do it regularly, if that makes you more at ease. I don’t know what the fuck is making me say this...” He mumbles as he locks the small metal door again.

Silence falls upon us and I follow him into one of the individual cubicles where the skaters have showers. I’m trembling... My hands are shaking furiously and my mind his firing me with questions again. But I can’t go back now. I’ve already crossed the line.

“Alright... I don’t want you freaking out on me, so I’ll ask you... Are you sure?”

It’s at times like this that I just _know_ that Matthew has a good character.

“I am sure.”


	10. Chapter nine A

Finally classes are over for today. I’ve been waiting all day for the moment when I’ll finally go home and turn on the TV so I can finally watch Matt skating. Due to time difference because the event is in L.A., it will only pass here in England at night time. That means I still have time to cook something and study a bit before I sit comfortably in front of the TV.

My friends have been...well, they’re sorry for what they did and I already forgave them. They’re still trying to please me every minute so they can make it up to me and I am smart enough to accept whatever they do in my benefit. During that first week, not once did they ask me to wash the dishes, and I didn’t complain of course.

I haven’t told them about Matt or my sexual orientation yet, but I plan to do it very soon. Maybe I won’t tell anything about the figure skater because that would be, well, awkward. They don’t need to know about his sex life, that doesn’t concern them at all. So, if I ever tell them something about him, I have to talk to Matt first.

What happened in the changing room was between Matt and me.

__

__

_ “Fucking hell, Matthew.” I panted hard when I returned to earth after a particularly strong orgasm. I guess it was because it had been a while since I reached that peak with the ‘help’ of another person. It was really driving me insane. _

__

_ When he pulled out, I groaned and my face contorted, but I could still hear his breath and his words as he murmured in my ear. “I believe it’s time for you to stop calling me Matthew.” _

__

_ “Matt.”  _

“Where are you going so fast, Dom?”

Turning around, I smile at Andrea as she joins me. “Home.” I can’t help smiling even wider because of the reason why I’m going home so fast. It’s silly because I have plenty of time, but I guess I’m just very anxious.

She chuckles and I take a look at her sideways. “Have you forgiven Adam and Scotty yet?”

With a shrug, I keep smiling as I answer her cheekily. “Yeah, but don’t tell them, or they’ll stop trying to please me and so far I’ve been enjoying the special treatment.”

We laugh together and she nods, so I know we have a deal. “You seem... different, you know?” 

I tilt my head to the side a bit, silently asking her what she means. Though I know perfectly well what she’s on about. Since that time with Matthew, I’ve been different and my closest friends noticed it of course. It’s not difficult to see the way I’m smiling more openly, the way I don’t seem so stressed and how I’m much more relaxed. The loneliness is not gone completely, not at all, mainly because I’m perfectly aware what happened in that changing rooms could be a onetime thing. But...Matt just kept looking at me in that secretive way, for the rest of the week and we snogged once in the same place.  But I didn’t push him... He will look for me if he wants a next time and I like to think that he didn’t go further yet because he had to concentrate for the Worlds and he went to L.A. about a week ago anyway. Yes, it’s been almost two weeks... But I still remember with tremendous vivacity what his skin felt like, what his mouth tasted like and how perfect it felt to have him inside me. 

“It’s like... You seem... happier, I guess. And, strange enough, I think you’ve been acting like that since the party.”

“The party was terrible, Andrea. But I guess I learnt something.” I wink with a grin. Well, I know she wants me to talk more about it, to explain to her what is really going on, maybe she thinks I’m seeing some girl, but I’m really on a hurry.

“Dominic! I’ll make you talk eventually, you know?” I laugh and start walking faster.

“Eventually! But now I need to hurry up!”

*

Luckily, Adam has to study and so he’s in his room and Scotty is away with his girlfriend, which means I have the TV _and_ the living room all to myself.

It may sound stupid but I’m feeling kind of nervous... He worked so damn hard for this; if he comes home with nothing I think it will be devastating. Even for someone with a huge ego like Matthew Bellamy. It will bring him down.

Anyway, it feels good to finally be able to take a look at his unique face, after almost a week of total absence. I mean, I haven’t seen him already but- oh there he is. After what it felt like a thousand skaters, finally it’s his turn to perform the short program, the first of the two segments of the competition. My body tenses for various reasons...

_ The moment he slipped inside me, the turmoil in my head stopped. How could I ever have doubts?  _

__

_ I had my hands pressed against the shower wall as he embraced my body from behind, one arm wrapped tightly around my torso as the other grabbed my bare hip. I closed my eyes tightly at the strong contact but the mere thought ‘Matthew is within me’ was enough to almost erase the pain. I only did something like that a couple of times in the past, and it was long ago so I guess that the pain is normal. _

__

_ It wasn’t that much of a surprise, but he was tender and smooth, and I could feel that he cared about what I was feeling and about my own pleasure, otherwise he would just ram into me without thinking much about the consequences. In that moment, I know he would only add some roughness if I asked him to. _

__

_ He asked me to bend a little more, I mean, he groaned the words in my ear, and I did so. There was nothing I would deny him in that moment. His moans and sighs against my neck, so close to my ear were addictive and the fact that he was enjoying that shag as much as I was, filled me with a sensation of power. _

__

_ I could make Matthew moan in pleasure, moan my name. “Do-ominic!”  _

__

_ Yes, I’m right here and, if you wish, I won’t leave this place again. Fuck, you feel so good, so...perfect! I crossed my arms on the wall and rested my forehead against them, trying to control my breathing, but on the other hand, as long as I breathed enough to stay alive, I didn’t mind that my lungs were already hurting and screaming for air. I guess the position, having to stay up at the same time as I feel the most amazing sensations run through my body wasn’t helping, and, at some point I was truly finding it hard to stay up  on my shaking legs. _

__

_ By coincidence or simply because he knew what was going on, Matthew wrapped his left arm tighter around my stomach, helping me stand. I finally took in a deep breath, feeling better once he was supporting part of my weight. _

__

_ I wanted more. The slow movements of his hips were driving me insane, and every time he hit a special spot I felt like holding him there for as long as possible. And I wanted him to stop teasing, because I knew he was teasing, testing how long I could cope with the slow rhythm. Of course I could change the roles and see how long **he** could cope with it, but I decided against it. I’ve had enough already. “Matthew... faster, rougher!” _

__

_ Reaching back, I grabbed his thigh, feeling the smooth sweaty skin under my palm and fingers and threw my head back again and he finally changed the rhythm of his thrusts. _

As always, he is looking too good as he skates around trying to get ready and erase his nerves. He chose another dark blue costume, but this time his sleeves end in a red loose material.

There’s something wrong though... His posture, his expression, there’s something wrong about it. And he looks so pale... Much more than usual, anyway. I mean, I know this is the Worlds Championship and he’s allowed to be nervous but Matt _never_ looks as nervous as he looks now. This isn’t good, because the judges sense this and it’s already a bad start. 

But what’s wrong with him? He was so confident before he left, so happy and excited about going there and showing the world what he can do once he’s on the ice and he wanted to bring home a medal, gold if possible. Something could have happened while he was over there, nearly on the other side of the world. I had no contact with him since he left, I don’t have his phone number or anything, even though we have talked more than once after what happened, and he seemed totally fine. Well, totally himself, I guess that’s a better way to describe it.

That look on his face, that apparent lack of confidence makes me shiver. What the hell is wrong with him? The commentators notice it as well, but, of course, not as much as me and luckily they’re not making a big deal out of it. They’re saying he looks nervous but that is because this is a big competition. Well, I can see further than that, I guess, or maybe I’m the one who’s nervous and Matt is not as bad as it seems. Maybe...

Unfortunately, as his short program starts, I instantly know I was right. Even if he was experiencing the worst kind of pre-program nerves, that would fade away as the music started and he became completely absorbed in it and in his performance. The ice is his natural habitat, and the audience is what feeds him, no matter how big the challenge is, his love for what he does is always stronger. That’s why he’s so good at it.

This time, the magic is missing, though. Please, let him at least land all his jumps. He’s setting up for the first one... oh no, big mistake. It’s only a double instead of a triple! My heart sinks as I realise this can cost him a medal. He looks so tense and I didn’t even notice that I’m clutching a pillow so hard that my fingers go numb. I can’t watch the jump combination, he can’t afford a mistake there, I cover my face with my hands but I’m peeking between my fingers and...yes, he lands it! I breathe out in relief, maybe he can recover, because he is skating better now. There is still hope and he is a fighter, I’m sure of that. He goes for the final jump and...he falls. Hard.  

It’s so horrible to see someone so special going through that and it’s even more terrible when that person is so far away. If I could get into the television, if I could be tele-transported to L.A! That would solve my problems. But maybe he doesn’t even want to see me now. I’m not his boyfriend or anything, I’m not what he needs in this moment.

When he finishes, the disappointment is evident in his face and it’s heartbreaking. But there’s something else. Something _has_ to be going on. He is touching his stomach, running his hand through it... Is he in pain? What if he is injured? It would explain everything.

The commentators don’t say anything about it though, they’re just repeating over and over again that this was far from being one of Matthew’s best performances, that it must be because of the nerves (they clearly don’t know him) and they’re wondering if he can make it up on the long program the day after tomorrow or not. Of course it also depends on the other skaters, but everyone who knows just a little bit about figure skating knows how difficult that is once his score now is going to be terrible, that’s for sure. The best skaters in the world are on this competition, if one of them, even the best, fails it’s probably over for him. And this time, that one seems to be Matt.

The marks show up on the screen and he’s only fifth with plenty of skaters still to take the ice. Matt is practically numb as he looks at his placement, there’s no reaction, nothing, not even as his coach affectionately strokes his back in support. And that makes me feel even more worried. 

I wish I could grab his hand.

__

_ “Right there!! Again!!” _

__

_ A grunt reached my ears and I threw my head back and onto Matthew’s shoulder as he repeated the motion hitting my prostate and waking up these feelings inside, these sensations... I’m floating. I was so fucking glad that I was strong enough to let it happen, to take a step forward and realise that I needed this so much. _

__

_ He started biting and sucking on my neck, my head still thrown back and that made me moan even louder. “Tou-touch me.” I managed to say. In fact my hard member was throbbing for attention but I wanted to feel his skin with my hand and I had to keep the other on the wall or we would fall to the floor. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad anyway. “Please... Please touch me.” _

__

_ For a moment I thought he would ignore my pleading, but he didn’t. His strong but elegant hand was soon wrapped around my length, stroking me with the right rhythm, making my body shudder even more. I laid my hand over my arm, my mouth opened as that of a fish out of the water and I thought I would combust at any moment. _

__

__“Matthew... I’m close."  
  
  
  
  
To be continued...  


 


	11. Chapter nine B

I don’t think I can express how difficult it is for me to act normal after what I saw on TV last night. After a few tries, I gave up and simply said that I was just sleepy whenever someone asked what was wrong. Anyway it wasn’t a total lie. I barely slept last night because I was up until the competition was over. 

Matt ended up on seventh place. Considering his performance, it wasn’t that bad, but the other skaters made mistakes too. But still, there isn’t much hope to him. The long program is tomorrow, and deep down I think I’m afraid to watch it. It will hurt too much if it goes as bad as the last one. But in the other hand, I will end up watching it, as nervous as I might be.

No one has said anything about the reasons behind his bad performance. There were no interviews, nothing, so I’m still wondering if it was something related with his health or if it was nervousness as the commentators said. I highly doubt it. He is a reliable competitor, If there’s anyone who knows how to control his nerves, is Matt.

When I arrive at the rink to work, I decide to try and get some information. Mrs. McCarthy knows something for sure, even though I don’t really talk to her often. Maybe it would sound weird for me to go up to her and ask what is going on with Matt, but I’ll do it if I have to. This is killing me inside; I need to know if he’s alright. I mean, I know he isn’t but I need to know what is going on, damn it!

Breathe, Dominic. You need to relax.

My mind is not able to concentrate on anything, not even as I make my way to the rink, which makes me go straight into Ann.

“Dominic!” 

“Oh sorry... It was my fault, I was-“

“It’s okay, I’m not hurt.”

Then it hits me. Maybe she knows what happened to Matt. And since we get along quite well, I mean, in comparison to other skaters, I guess she’s the right person to ask. Of course I need to sound casual, not too interested so she won’t find this strange. I think it’s perfectly natural that I care about the performance of a skater that I see almost every day around here, so I guess she won’t guess suspicious unless she is _very_ intuitive.

“Good... Hey listen, did you see Matthew’s short program yesterday?”

Her face falls a little at this. I can feel that she’s sad about this too, which is completely normal since Matt is her colleague and possibly her friend, I’m not sure. Anyway, he’s probably a skater she looks up to.

“Yeah... Did you?” I simply nod. “Poor guy... Worked so hard for it. I guess it wasn’t his lucky day. He must be feeling so... weak, frustrated and small.”

Silence. She could just continue and say what else she knows. “But something must have happened to him, right? They were saying he was too nervous but I’ve seen him skating many times and he knows how to fight that nervousness, whenever he’s on the ice he-“ Alright, Dominic, don’t get too excited there. You’re not _that_ interested, remember? “I mean, I’m sure there was something behind it.”

She frowns. Oh fuck. I hope I wasn’t too obvious. For my relief, she sighs, the frown disappearing, and shrugs. “I’m sorry, I can’t talk.” Ah! So there _is_ something. I wasn’t being paranoid, I was right since the start, even before he started the program. But, if she can’t talk about it, it has to be something serious!

“But... Is it that bad?”

“Well, no... But I don’t think Matt or anyone one else here want this news to spread, you know? Because I don’t think he will withdraw.” _Withdraw_?! “And I’m already talking too much...” She tries to get past me but I don’t let her. I know I shouldn’t, I’m showing too much concern, but I simply can’t help it. I need to go what’s going on and that inner will is stronger than me.

“Ann... I’ve been working here for a year, I believe I deserve to know.” Looking down, she sighed and I let go of her arm. “Come on... I bet it’s not that serious or he would be flying back to England and wouldn’t be over there, getting ready for the long program.” Trying my best to sound reasonable and merely curious, not worried, I smile reassuringly at her. For my relief, she smiles back letting me know that she agrees with what I said.

“You’re right. But please don’t tell anyone. It’s stupid, but even though no one asked me to keep a secret, I would want it to be a secret if I was in Matt’s shoes.” I nod again, fighting not to look too eager.

_ Breathe. I needed to breathe in deeply so my body could become alive again because I needed to be able to stand and walk. As I sat on the floor of the shower, my arms suspended at my sides and my legs spread in front of me, I was probably looking like a retard. To top that, my mouth was opened, sucking for air, and my eyes were tired as I fought not to close them.  _

__

_ “We should get going... I mean, I have to go.” _

__

_ “Mmm” Was the only sound that left my mouth when Matt’s voice reached my ears. Unlike me, he was actually lying on the floor, and as I looked down at him, I gulped as I watched his right hand running absentmindedly up and down his chest, his fingertips feeling the small curves of his ribs. I just wanted to lick him right there. He was lying there so shamelessly and relaxed, staring at the ceiling but with a dreamy expression, his eyes seeming bigger and bluer than ever after his pupils returned to their normal size.  _

__

_ “I need to get going.” He spoke again. I couldn’t help a tired chuckle, noticing perfectly well that he was trying to convince himself and not me. “What?” _

__

_ “What’s stopping you?” _

__

_ His eyes locked with mine as he smirked. “Nothing. I just don’t feel like it.” _

__

_ “Oh.”  _

__

_ Closing his eyelids, he stretched on the floor, right in front of my hungry eyes, his arms high above his head, neck thrown back sharply. He was completely shameless and I was obviously thankful for that. Yeah I know we just had sex a few minutes ago, but if he kept doing that my body would ‘wake up’ very soon. I’m not sure if that would be embarrassing or gratifying. _

__

_ Anyway, I soon found out that nothing else was going to happen. Matt sat up, unfortunately too quickly, and looked at me, his eyes now levelled with mine. “Come on, I’ll give you a lift home.” _

*

The stomach flu. 

Why was this happening to Matt? Why now? I can’t even imagine how he must be feeling right now... If it was me, I would probably give up and turn back to England and...well, start thinking about the next competition. But he would never do it unless it was absolutely impossible. Matt is going to fight for it until the end, even though everyone one who follows this sport knows it’s almost impossible for him to win a medal, even if the virus is gone. But I’m not even sure it is gone or what symptoms he truly experienced... 

I tried to get more information, but people at the rink, here in London, don’t know much about it anyway. I think Matt is trying hard not to make a big deal out of it so it is more believable that he can make it, that he can complete the long program. But can he perform the way he would in normal conditions? He probably isn’t completely recovered from the illness. Again, I have no idea...

There’s a possibility that everything will be explained when the competition is over, or maybe shortly before, but I just need to know now because it is driving me insane. At least, I wanted to know if he’s alright physically, because physiologically I highly doubt he is. 

It’s almost his turn to skate and my heart is beating faster and faster as that time approaches. Is there any possibility that he recovered enough to give a great performance? Even so, he could come home with no prize but at least it would be good for his ego and for his mind. I chuckle nervously to myself as I remember those times when I partially wanted him to make some mistakes during the competitions so he would be a bit more humble. That is _so_ in the past... Matt is what he is, and he is special because of that personality that is not accessible for everyone, at least at the beginning. And I love that under all that arrogance, there’s a different Matthew Bellamy, one that I believe is slowly starting to unfold in front of my eyes. 

There he is. He’s looking better than he did the other time, not as pale and fortunately not as unsure. The reaction of the crowd when his name is announced is heart-warming and I’m sure he is feeling the vibe as that reflects in his features.

He actually looks confident, more focused, although no one could blame him if he was nervous this time. In a way I think he’s just fighting for his reputation, and he has nothing to lose this time. He knows it’s too difficult to beat the other skaters now, but at least he has to show the world that what happened was a one time thing. After the program he will probably announce that the terrible performance was due to physical conditions, and if he shines on the ice tonight, people will forget that short program easily.

But I’m just assuming he’s feeling better already. What if he isn’t? I guess I’m about to find out.

As the first chords of _Across the Stars_ echo, I feel the need to close my eyes for a couple of seconds and take a deep calming breath. Please, let him do this one right. I can’t stand watching him fail twice in such a short period of time.

“Come on, Matt.”

By only watching the very beginning of the program, I know the awful performance of the short program is behind his back. Before he starts, there is a brief, barely there, look of concern and insecurity in his face, but it fades away.

There’s no need to know much about figure skating to feel how special what Matt is doing tonight really is. The audience is silent, completely absorbed in his performance. 

It’s ironic in a way, if he had executed a better short program, the other skaters wouldn’t stand a chance. He is landing jump after jump, one flawless element after the other and the program is flying by. The emotion, the passion, the attitude are there, more present than ever. And when he begins the final footwork sequence to the most emotional part of the music, with the crowd cheering him on, I become aware of that familiar pressure on the back of my eyes, the one I felt when Yagudin won the Gold Medal at the Olympics in 2002. Only this time it’s Matthew (how I wish I could say _my Matt_ ) at the Worlds and there will be no Gold Medal. But does it matter? No... That cannot shadow the fact that he is skating like a true champion right now. 

The song is reaching its end, I’m clutching a pillow nervously, but it’s a different kind of nervousness. I bite on my lip, sitting on the edge of the couch, feeling so overwhelmed by what I’m seeing. I wish I was there.

When he finishes, he literally falls to his knees. The audience goes crazy, I believe there isn’t a single person who isn’t standing on their feet completely astounded and marvelled by what they just saw.

Fucking hell, Matt. You made it.

For a moment, he covers his face with his hands, still on his knees, taking a moment for himself. When he faces the audience, I can see how his eyes are read with tears he’s trying to hold back, with emotion and...relief. There could be frustration there too, because he knows that if there had been no stomach pain and indisposition, he would probably be World Champion. But there’s no sign of that in his blue orbs. At least not that I can see. I guess he’s aware that, in this moment, he is indeed a champion in so many ways...

I’d risk saying that he is surprised with himself. He starts waving at the crowd, taking bows, mouthing thank you. I finally let out the breath I didn’t even know I was holding and let a single tear run down my face. Just one... I think I deserve it.

Apparently, the audience doesn’t want him to leave, as they keep clapping and the ice is covered in flowers and stuffed animals. But eventually, he makes his way out, practically falling in the arms of his coach, Mrs. Bowell, as he hugs her affectionately. She is whispering in his ear, I guess she’s saying how proud she is of him, how special he is, how amazing he was on the ice. And indeed she’s so right. I spare a thought for Mrs. McCarthy, who couldn’t go to L.A. with them, she must be crying her heart out with happiness in this moment; and Ann too, and everyone else who trains or works on the rink. Even though many people are not very fond of Matthew due to his personality, I’m sure everyone wanted him to succeed.

And I guess that, tonight, everyone got a small glimpse of the _real_ Matthew. Whenever he’s on the ice, he lets his guard down, but this time it was more evident than ever. Suddenly, the sensitive, emotional young figure skater was there for everyone to see. He is indeed able to conquer people’s hearts so easily, even though, out of the ice he seems to fight against that innate ability he has. Why, I don’t know. 

When the marks, high marks, show up, even though no one is actually surprised, there’s another loud clapping from the crowd. Matt smiles widely, letting his guard down for a moment, truly enjoying what is going on, enjoying his conquest. His coach kisses his temple, whispering a bit more in his ear him as he keeps smiling.

_ “We’re here.” Matt said when he stopped the car in front of my apartment. I wished it was a long ride, but unfortunately it didn’t take longer than five minutes. _

__

_ In that moment, I didn’t know what to do. Should I lean towards him and steal a quick kiss? I decided against it. He would have to be the one to take the initiative. _

__

_ “Yeah... Well, thanks.” I smile, opening the door to get out of the car, even if against my will. _

__

_ He nods with a small smile and I sigh, wondering why I wanted a small kiss so much considering we had shared so much more than a kiss, not even an hour before. _

__

_ For my own surprise and delight, he called me before I shut the door. “Dom?” _

__

_ Clumsily, because it was raining and I was getting into my coat, I peeked inside to see him chuckling. I just hoped he wouldn’t start teasing and making fun of me. Well, deep down, I knew he wouldn’t. He enjoyed our little escapade as much as I did. I **felt** it. Suddenly he became serious, even though there was a little trace of a smile on his lips. “It was great. **You** were great.” _

__

_ The lack of a goodbye kiss didn’t feel so important anymore. I smiled and nodded, unable to say anything back as my heart warmed up, and held his gaze for a few seconds before closing the door lightly. _

Sometimes, a Bronze Medal can be as gratifying as a Gold one, or even more. Patrick Chan from Canada won Gold, and Brian Joubert, won Silver. And then there was Matt, with the Bronze Medal hanging from his neck. He was practically crowned as the hero of the competition by the audience. He fought against all probabilities, he believed he still could execute a great program and finish with honour. But I think that no one, including him, truly believed that he could make it to the podium. A small hope, maybe, but it was too difficult and improbable and everyone knew that.

But there he is, anyway, standing proudly next to Chan, his breathing somewhat irregular due to the unbelievable events that had taken place. Without a doubt, he had been the protagonist of this competition, and in a way, he is the winner.

When the hymn of Canada starts, I imagine it being our hymn, our English flag right in the middle of the other two. 

To me, Matt won this championship. He won my heart as well, a long time ago, even before I noticed it myself.

But the question is, what will he do with that prize?


	12. Chapter ten

Arriving at the rink knowing that Matt is not going to be there is almost capable of making my heart sink.

I know he’s been in England for the last five days, and I know he came here to see his colleagues who must have spoiled him rotten. Unfortunately I wasn’t here when that happened and he didn’t come back. I could be thinking that he was avoiding me or something, my paranoid side could be taking the best of me, but I know that that is not the truth. When he left, there was no heavy atmosphere between us or anything so he must be just taking some time to rest and maybe go out with his friends or even visit his family in Cambridge, I don’t know.

What I know is that I’m desperate to see him.

At Uni, everything is still the same. I mean, _slightly_ the same. My roommates and Andrea are getting suspicious. Not about my sexual orientation, I think, but about my mood change, my happier state of mind, they must be thinking that I’m seeing someone and hiding that possible relationship from them. At least, that’s my interpretation. Scotty already asked me directly if there’s any bird in my sight; I just rolled my eyes and left, telling him that I had no time for that.

However, guys are always a bit... well, naïve when it comes to other guys’ feelings. Girls know much more about reading people, or at least they express it more than guys. That’s why the one person I know that will find everything out sooner or later is Andrea. I’d like to be the one to tell her... Well, I’ve tried telling her that I’m gay last week, but then someone appeared, wanting to talk to her, and a few minutes later, when I had her attention again, my courage was gone. I had no intentions to tell her anything about Matt, but I need to talk about _myself_ to someone.

But what if she insists, wanting to know more and more about my flings? What if she finds out that the centre of my attention is someone from my workplace? Like I was thinking, girls are able to read those thing too easily when they want to, their intuition is something serious. I don’t want her to find out about Matt, not before whatever we have can be classified and I can be more at ease around him, and that’s what has been stopping me from talking to her. Right now, if she found out, it could ruin what is going on between me and him. He never asked me to keep it a secret, but I guess it was because it’s quite obvious.

“Dom?” Every hair in my body stands up at the sound of that voice I know too well. I instantly smile and turn around. Right now I don’t care if he sees how excited I am to finally land my eyes on him, it doesn’t matter.

“Matt!” He chuckles, shaking his head. “At fucking last...”

“What do you mean? It’s not my fault that you weren’t here when I arrived.” He shrugs.

Chuckling, I nod and scratch the back of my neck, already feeling that familiar sensation on my stomach. “Well... Congratulations. What you did was... it was immense, really.” 

Apparently, he becomes interested in his hands, distractedly running his right thumb across his left palm. “Yeah, I guess.” He looks up at me again. “Thank you.” I believe at the time, when he finished the long program and then some time later when he was standing on the podium, a huge wave of happiness was invading him, but now, back in England, he’s probably thinking about how close he was to Gold. How a virus stopped him from being the World Champion. 

Anyway, I thought he didn’t want to talk about it, at least not to me. But what should I say? I know what I want to say, but I’m not sure if I’m brave enough. Oh fuck it, we already shagged, why should I be so worried about asking him out? I have absolutely nothing to lose.

“Listen... I’m nearly finished here; do you want to go somewhere afterwards?” I look at him expectantly and watch as his brows furrow. Apparently he wasn’t expecting this.

For my relief, his features soften after a few seconds. “Yeah, why not?”

*

“Let me turn on the light before you fall over something. There.”

I’m still not sure about what exactly led me here. To Matt’s place. Well, truth to be told, I asked him out indeed, right in the middle of the week, but I had no idea where to go. I didn’t know many places to be honest and I didn’t know what kind of thing he wanted to do. We had a quick dinner near the rink, during which we basically talked about my life at Uni. I wanted to ask him about the competition, but before I knew he was standing and suggesting something that made my heart skip a beat: _Let’s go to my place, then._

And here we are.

His apartment is not that far away from mine, he was lucky enough to find a place close to the rink. I wonder how long he has lived here... It’s clearly a place that belongs to a guy, one that lives alone. 

There are DVDs spread on a table in front of the TV, empty glasses, some cookie crisps on the floor and on the table, cushions everywhere...

“Sorry about the mess... I guess last night I was in the mood for a big movie session.”

“I don’t blame you... If I had a TV like that I would always be in front of it.” I chuckle, eyeing said object. It’s a plasma screen that I certainly wouldn’t mind having. “And don’t worry about the mess... My place is three time more messy because we’re three guys living there.” And that is true. I remember when I moved from the always neat place where I lived with my parents, it was quite a shock. Suddenly there were socks and shoes everywhere, even clothes and towels... The kitchen isn’t always shiny and clean like I was used to at home but the same doesn’t happen with the bathroom. That’s probably the only place we keep clean all the time because, we may be messy, but we still care a lot about our hygiene.

Matt nods. “It must be cool though.”

“What?”

“Sharing a place with your mates.”

Thinking about it, yeah it’s not that bad, it’s pretty fun at times. If I lived on my own I guess I would feel twice as lonely. “I guess. Although, you don’t get as much privacy, of course.”

“I see... Well, sit down, wherever you like. I’ll get you something to drink.” He says and disappears into what I assume it’s the kitchen. I take a long look around, smiling to myself. It’s a nice place... Dark brown furniture, dark blue couches with red cushions. There’s a bright yellow puff near the TV, and I can’t help but chuckle at it. He clearly doesn’t spend much time here. There are no family pictures, nothing like that, but on the other hand, this place _screams_ Matthew, I don’t exactly know why. I notice a pair of black skates in a corner, but there’s no sign of his Medals... Hmm, he probably keeps them in his room or something.

His room... I wonder where it is. I wonder _how_ it is. I gulp thinking again about why he brought me here exactly, what his true intentions are. And me... what do I want? I know the answer to that question too damn well. It’s useless to even try and hide it. I want him. Since that shag I’ve been craving for him, going insane! Suddenly, I feel myself starting to sweat slightly as that desire that consumed me on those changing rooms starts taking its place inside me again.

And it doesn’t take long before I start feeling somewhat nervous. 

“You’re still standing?” Matt startles me as he comes into the living room again, holding two glasses with a blurry liquid. He completely caught me off guard so I immediately tense up even more. I can’t help it... “Dominic, stop looking like you’re in a concentration camp.” What? “If you didn’t feel comfortable about coming here, why did you?”

“It-it’s not that...” That fucking smirk is on his face again, and for a moment I feel like I used to a couple of weeks ago. I guess it’s this place; his persona is present in every corner, his scent is everywhere, attacking my nostrils and invading my mind, making me want to grab him against the wall and fuck the life out of him. That’s why I’m probably flushing and not looking at him. I’m suddenly very interested on the pattern of two blue curtains that cover the glass doors that lead to the balcony. 

“Here; it’s lemonade.” He says handing me the glass.

“Thanks.” I reply, taking the glass from his hand, purposely touching the skin of his thumb. Stupidly, I have to make an extra effort not to let the cup and its content fall to the floor. I take a big sip of the sweet yet acidicjuice, trying to act cool.

“You still haven’t told me how you felt when you finished that long program.” I say after clearing my throat. “I’d love to hear it from you...” Even though what I really need right now is to be able to touch him like I did two weeks ago, I also want to listen to his voice. And I truly want to hear about the experience he went through.

When I look up again, I instantly meet his piercing blue eyes. He is looking at me as if he knows exactly what is in my head. Unlike him, I’m too bloody transparent, I always was and now I’ll hardly change. But it’s not just that... There’s something else there, something difficult to decipher. I mean, maybe it’s easy but I don’t want to get my hopes too high. But...he brought me here... This is stupid on my part; I guess watching me drink lemonade or having a small chat was not what he had in mind. In fact, when he suggested it, there was a twinkle in his eyes that _almost_ left no room for doubts. But with Matt, nothing is that obvious, he always knows how to be unpredictable, that much I’ve already learnt. 

Taking a few steps in my direction, he grabs my glass and places it on the table, placing his own there too, before claiming my lips. As simple and quick as that. I’m a little taken aback at first; it’s stupid, I know, we’ve done so much already, but I can’t help it. The fact that Matt _wants_ to do this with me never ceases to surprise me, and sometimes I’m still waiting for the time when he will start laughing in my face and say it was all a joke. 

But deep down I just know that’s not going to happen. I can feel it in his kiss. The most tender one we have shared to date. Just a slow kiss as our mouths and tongues slide together lazily.

Circling my arms around his waist, I bring him closer to me, needing to feel his whole body against mine after almost two weeks of complete absence.

I really missed him... I didn’t even know how much.

Breaking the kiss, he sighs deeply and picks up his lemonade to take a small sip before placing it down again.

Before I have time to think properly, he attacks my mouth again, this time more forcefully and wanting, his fingers digging into my shoulders. I wish he would say something...say what’s going on in his mind. His sudden stop to take a small drink seemed to demonstrate his doubts about what he’s doing, like he was taking a few seconds to consider if it was a good idea to go forward with this or not. I wish he would share that with me, because in case he didn’t notice I have a say in this too. 

I mean... He knows perfectly well that I want this, that I crave for his body.

Which doesn’t mean that we should stay silent. I need to know what he feels, what he truly wants; if I start thinking too much about it, it drives me insane! That’s why I try not to think and just act, _enjoy_. After a kiss like this one, that’s not a difficult task anyway. Matt has me completely at his mercy.

Leaving my mouth, he moves to my earlobe, biting and sucking on it and a long moan of pleasure echoes through the living room. _My_ moan of pleasure. Does he have any idea of what he does to me? How my body screams for him? Maybe he does... I’m too obvious, I think.

To my despair, his doorbell rings. We both groan at the intrusive sound, but he keeps up his ministrations and I don’t move my hands from their place on his lower back either. Until it rings again. Fuck it!

“Matt... Maybe you should see who it is.” I manage to say with some difficulty, placing my hands on his shoulders.

“What for?” He asks in a raw voice.

I half chuckle, half moan when another ring echoes through the air. “Because there’s someone there who clearly isn’t going away.”

With a heavy sigh, he leans back, my skin instantly aching for his lips again, and I see that delicious smirk forming on his lips. “Wait right here.”

I nod with a smile, and he turns around, making his way to the door. When he disappears, I take a moment to pick up my glass and finish my lemonade; I haven’t even noticed I was so thirsty. This has to turn out to be a great night... It has to be, I deserve it! But something tells me that whoever is on the other side of that door has potential to mean trouble. At least in the movies, when two people are interrupted like this, usually it doesn’t go too well in the end.

The sound of Matt opening the door reaches my ears and I try to listen to the other voice. “Hi, Matt.” It’s a female and I don’t recognize that voice. My brain instantly starts working. Friend? Fuck-buddy? Ex-girlfriend? Actual girlfriend?! No... He would have told me... Please, calm down, Dominic. At least make an effort to stay cool.

“What are you doing here?” I let out a sigh, sensing by the tone of his voice that he’s not happy to see her. Well, it doesn’t change much, I guess.

“I missed you, sweetie.” My stomach clenches and my hand warps more tightly around the glass. “So I decided to come and visit you so maybe we could... celebrate your victory.”

I hyperventilate, sweat, wish to disappear... How did I get myself into this?

In the back of my head, I hear Matt chuckling and I start wondering what exactly that means. “Firstly, there’s no victory to celebrate.” So, this doesn’t seem to be that girl’s – whoever she is – _lucky night_. But, unfortunately, that fact doesn’t feel as soothing as it should. It doesn’t change much in fact. “And secondly, I don’t remember ever telling you that you could just drop by whenever you felt like it.” He’s being rude and that makes me feel even worse. Suddenly, I start imagining me in that girl’s position one day or night in the near future. Does Matt do this to everybody?

Is it that strange that, even though I loathe that girl right now, I can’t blame her for what is going on?

“What the fuck is up with you?” Her voice is rising, and I’m already predicting the moment when Matt will close the door in her face.

“Just get lost.” Bang. There... I close my eyes and try to control myself and my nerves as I wait for Matt. He doesn’t walk back into the living room straight away; he must be trying to calm down himself.

What will possibly happen now?

“Fucking pain in my arse.” Matt mutters as he walks back into the living room. I open my eyes carefully to find him staring angrily at the floor, his hands on his waist. “Bitch.”

I want to ask him who that girl is, or had been, for that matter. I want to ask him if one day that’s how he will see me and talk to me. The _funny_ thing is, the thought that the girl might have done something to him that is making him act this way, that all this is her fault seems so absurd to me. How fucked up is that? I should give him a chance, but I just know he won’t want to explain anything.

His eyes finally land on mine and I believe he’s practically reading all the fears and doubts because I’m sure they’re shinning right through my orbs. As I look into his eyes, the coward in me raises again. I can’t do this... I can’t let myself fall even more for this guy than I already am, and, if possible, I have to forget him. The thought makes me shiver because I feel so amazing in his arms, in his kiss and when he was deep inside me, there was a connection. I was so sure of it... 

But when everything goes wrong in the end, I won’t be able to stand up from that fall.

“I’m sorry... I can’t do this.”

He furrows his eyebrows and I immediately tear my gaze away from him. I need to get out.

“Can’t do what, exactly?”

Please Matthew, don’t make this even more difficult. “This...” I repeat gesturing my hands around the space between us. “I can’t... I’m afraid I’ll get too involved and I... I’m not like you, Matt.”

“And what am I like? What do you _think_ I’m like?”

I look at him again, letting his eyes penetrate my soul for a small instant until I look at the floor again. It’s not fair... 

“Please stop the games...” I whisper. “I have to go.” I look up again, but not at him, and start making my way to the front door before it’s too late. “See you around.”

“Wait!” He stops me with his voice. “Have you gone completely insane? You’re throwing this ‘party’ because of that slut?” I close my eyes trying not to lose my mind, trying not to do an embarrassing scene now. “Please tell me it’s something else...”

“Something else?” I turn around. “Don’t you think it was enough?”

“No.” He simply says. I feel like pulling at my hair in frustration.

“Matthew, you know how I feel, I told you and I know you can see it anyway. I’m already too involved and I need to get out before you do to me what you just did to her. It was fantastic, you were – _are_ -truly amazing and I feel terrific whenever we’re intimate but... I need to get out while I still can.” Once I start, I can’t stop the rambling. “I need to get out while I know I can look back and smile, feel good about what happened.”

He’s looking at me like I’ve grown two heads and I feel so small under his gaze...

“You’re being pathetic...” He says after one of the most uncomfortable silences I’ve ever been through. “Do you actually know why I did that to her, hey? You’ve never even seen her!” I look down and shake my head, feeling ashamed. “Then why are you assuming the worst?” I believe it’s your fault that I assume the worst when it comes to you.

“Because... Because...”

“Because nothing, Dominic.” I gulp when my eyes lock with his again. The intensity there is almost unbearable. “That fucking cow knows I like men... So she says I used her in the past even though she liked our escapades more than I did. Yeah, we had sex a few times. Apparently, she wants to spread a rumour and in the meanwhile, before she decides to go forward with it, she likes to take the piss out of me.” I open my mouth in surprise and embarrassment. I’m such an incredible twat. So fucked up in the head... “She’s trying some kind of blackmail I guess, but I’m not cooperating. I already told that she can tell whoever she wants. I don’t care anymore.”

Does that mean you were afraid in the past? I want to ask him, but I feel like I’m in no position to ask him anything at the moment. I acted like a stupid git.

Gulping, I try to say something that will make him understand my behaviour. But I guess there’s no justification. “I...”

“I don’t exactly keep it a secret; I just keep it away from the public eye because this is my life! My own business!” I just nod, still looking at the pattern of the floor, my left foot moving around. Saying that I’m sorry doesn’t seem enough so I just stay quiet. “Dom? Will you at least look at me?” After taking a deep breath, I lift my gaze again, taking in the sight before me.

He looks more beautiful than ever, now that he opened up a bit to me. Even if it was just a small bit... I nod again, but this time I do it looking into his eyes. Getting lost in those pools.

“Stop torturing yourself and... enjoy. Stop worrying about the future. It will take you nowhere.”


	13. Chapter eleven

Breathe. Concentrate on what you’re doing. Seize the moment. Make the most of it.

Finally my mind seems to be cooperating with my body. At fucking last! I guess that the fact that I know a little bit more about Matt, even if it’s just a small detail, is what is making me more at ease. And the fact that he almost admitted that I mean more than that girl, the fact that he wanted me to _stay_.

I was about to storm out and he stopped me and _talked_ to me.

Clumsily, we made our way to his bedroom. No need for small talk or further explanations, no need for me to ask for forgiveness. Let’s be truthful, I can’t take my hands off of him. I’m too weak to make him stop and try to explain my behaviour, ask him questions, whatever... And luckily, he doesn’t seem to mind. I mean, he was the one who started it.

When he leaves my mouth and goes for my neck, I try to focus my vision on the space around us. This is Matt’s room, after all, I want to know what it is like and I want to be able to remember it. But he’s not making it easy for me... Apparently he’s already learnt my sensitive spots on the expanse of my neck and he’s now hitting them with accuracy and persistence. 

Leaning back slowly, he licks his swollen lips, and my eyes instantly drift to that motion.

“It looks like you’re going to have the bed you wanted after all...” He smiles mischievously.

I frown, managing not to give in that easily. “Remind me again, when exactly did I ask for a bed?”

With a chuckle he leans forward, lips hovering over mine as his hands travel to the back of my neck. “You don’t fool me, Dominic.” I couldn’t help but smile, feeling his hot, almost irregular breath on my face. His lips move to my ear, making shivers run down my spine. “I know you’d do this with me in a pile of shit if I asked you to.” He teases, giggling madly after sharing that crazy, disturbing thought. I don’t feel like thinking too much about the truthfulness of his words...

“You’re so fucking full of yourself, Mr. Bellamy.”

“I’m realistic.” He shrugs, leaning back so he’s looking at me again.

“Yeah, sure. Come here.” Our lips lock again, dancing, exploring, every kiss feels better than the last, every time I find something new in his mouth, his lips, his velvet tongue. But I also know that, by this point, I need more. Before my brain can even think about it, my hands slide below his shirt, feeling his soft skin. That’s the only think it takes for me to lose my mind.

My body is too eager for me to try and take this slow... Well, I guess I already realised that _slow_ doesn’t work when it comes to me and Matt. At least, not yet. Maybe that can happen one day in the future when my hunger, well, _our_ hunger, I hope, is somewhat satiated. I refuse to think that satiation will mean the end of this, I _cannot_ think that way.

Grabbing the flesh of his sides, I guide him towards the bed and make him land hard on it, my body following right after. There’s an almost maniac grin on his face, saying without words that he’s enjoying this new me. I lay on my back and pull him on top of me, closing my hands around tufts of his dark hair as he attacks my mouth with fervent, sloppy kisses. It doesn’t take long before he straddles me, sitting back on my groin, hopefully enjoying the pressure of my hardness, and quickly unbuttons his shirt as I run my hands up and down his lean legs.

“This” he says pointing quickly at my sweatshirt before sliding the fabric of his white shirt down his arms. “Take it off. Or are you expecting me to do all the work?”

“What if I am?” I tease. But I’m too horny to tease more than that so I instantly get up slightly to take if off and throw it to the floor as I lay back down. 

My frantic breath stops for a moment, when the sight of a shirtless Matt appears in front of me. My whole body shudders and, stupidly, I realise that I had not taken a good look at him when we were on the changing rooms. That time, clothes flew before I had time to notice anything at all, and before I knew I was facing the wall and the only thing assaulting my head was my need for release. And after the sex, well... He was lying naked on the floor but that was somewhat different. He was relaxed and boneless, and, yes I had taken my time to admire his body, but seeing him like this, all flushed and rigid and hard is a completely different thing.

And the only piece of clothing missing is his shirt...

Matt’s body is quite uncommon. When he’s dressed he looks very tiny, I don’t think anyone would say he’s an athlete. I mean, male figure skaters can be tiny, many of them are, but when people think of an athlete, they usually connect it to another kind of body. Matt is very slim and bony, but his muscles are so well defined... The lines on his torso and abdomen are perfectly shaped, making me want to run my fingers over it, explore that hard flesh. That is due to infinite hours of practising, and also because of the gym he goes to so he can keep in shape more efficiently. His legs are still covered by his black trousers, but I know what to expect. Muscular, yet slim thighs, making me want to bite them.

Before I let my mind wander too much, I sit up, grabbing his thighs and wrapping them around my waist, and take my time savouring the white flesh of his torso. The moans and sighs leaving his mouth as he throws his head back and digs his fingernails on my upper back, encourage me like nothing else before. I love his reactions-- especially when I run my tongue over his nipples: he bucks his hips into mine and moans loudly. But I know I can’t take this much longer, and neither can he.

In a fluid moment, he pushes me down again and starts unbuttoning my jeans. Before I know (damn, his movements are getting frenzied he’s pushing them down my legs, together with my boxers, exposing the skin of my legs and, of course, my hardness. The cool air, makes me shiver, and a long sigh escapes my parted lips.

“Fuck. Why do you still have your shoes on?” I make an effort to get a little up from the bed, propping up on my elbows as I look down at him. Chuckling at the sight of Matt fumbling with my trainers, I lie back down with a thud. I know he won’t be able to take them off without untying the knots and the thought is making me grin. The bastard deserves it. “Dom? I’m going to get scissors, you know?”

Groaning, I give up, I really need to work on my persistence, and sit up to take them off myself. “Happy?”

“Very.” He purrs, finally getting me completely naked and under his mercy. As I feel his gaze running over my body, I start panting. I want him to attack me already, I’m too needy. Instead, he gets up and sits on the edge of the bed, taking off the rest of his clothes, finally letting me take a look at his perfectly shaped legs. I’ve always had a thing for legs so I groan just by looking at them. So...appealing! Reaching out while he takes off his shoes, I grab the flesh of his thigh and he grins down at me, his eyes dark and mysterious. My hand moves up, feeling the curve of his arse until I rest it on his protruding hipbone. 

To my delight, he leans forward to search for something on the bedside table, giving me the opportunity to take a good look at that part of his body. I have to fight the need to start stroking myself, I have to hold back, wait for him.

“Here.” Leaning back again, he places a condom and lube on my chest and I instantly pick the items up in my hand. “Your turn.” I throw him a questioning look, needing to be sure about his intentions. This is kind of unexpected to be honest. I mean, yeah maybe it is my turn, but Matt is always so dominant that I thought he would wait a bit longer or never let me do this to him at all.

“Okay”, is the only thing I can say as I get up, still dumbly looking at the items in my hand. 

Suddenly the atmosphere has changed... At least for me. I start shaking; multiple thoughts of both nervousness and desire assault my mind. I’ve done this before, me and the only guy I got seriously involved with had done this and it felt great. But this is Matt now. And the thought makes me shudder rather violently.

Matt’s chuckle wakes me up from my thoughts and I shake my head slightly, trying to focus on him again. “You’re a weird form of life, Dominic Howard.” He growls with a lopsided grin. I’m sure my cheeks flush even more. 

“You’re not that _normal_ yourself.” I mutter, but that makes him even more amused.

He leans forward, capturing my earlobe between his teeth for a moment, making my eyes flutter closed in pleasure. “Weird, different, _unusual_... I love that...” He purrs in my ear. He’s making me go insane again; I’m completely under his spell. After the short moment of doubt and self-consciousness I feel like pinning him to the bed and shagging the life out of him.

Before I know, he’s pushing the covers back and lying on the bed, chest down. Whimpering, I bit on my lower lip, but before I even touch him, I need to ask him something else right now, before it’s too late. “Matt.”

He props up on his elbows and looks behind; his eyes are even darker now. “Hmm? More problems, Howard?”

This time I chuckle as I shake my head. “No... Could you...could you turn to me?”

His eyebrows furrow and for a moment I fear I’ve said the wrong thing. But I... I want to be able to see his face, his eyes this time, to look at him. But maybe he’s not into that, I don’t know. I have to try though, he won’t give everything up just because of that question, he’s too horny right now. 

However, he does turn around, his body inviting me into it, legs opening slightly. “You’re lucky that I’m _very_ flexible.” He jokes and I laugh, advancing on him.

“Yeah, I had that in mind.” I manage to say, relief colouring my words. He grabs my hair, guiding my lips into his own, as I finally take hold of his thighs and wrap them around my waist, my breath turning more and more irregular. Before it’s too late, I lean back and grab the lube, putting a great amount on my index and middle fingers. 

Taking me by surprise, Matt grabs my wrist before I make any kind of contact with his opening. “Dom.” I frown and look at his face, trying to decipher what’s going on. There’s something in his eyes, something that wasn’t there before. I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong...

“What is it?” I ask in an almost frightened voice.

“I’ve never done this before. This way, I mean.” My jaw opens slightly in surprise. “I never trusted anyone enough to do this to me.” I certainly wasn’t expecting this... “Before you freak out,” I’m really that bloody transparent, “yeah, I really want this.”

I let out the breath I was holding and smile a little. This completely caught me by surprise... Suddenly I realise that I do mean _something_ to Matt, and that makes my heart beat even faster and an overwhelming feeling invades my body. In a moment of pure ecstasy, I forget all about the lube and lean down to take his lips again, kissing him hard, claiming his lips, claiming _him_. 

Pushing me back with his hands, he grins “I didn’t bring you here to kiss me all night long, Howard.”

“Impatient, are we?” I can’t express how much more confident I feel right now. I mean, I’m nervous too, what if he thinks I’m crap? What if he regrets letting me be first man to ever be inside him? But on the other hand, I feel so honoured, so flattered, that I can’t stop smiling.

“Does it really hurt a lot?” He asks as I recoat my fingers. Even though he’s doing his best to hide it, and he’s more successful at it than me, I know he’s a bit nervous too, which is completely normal. I believe his lips formed that question without his permission, I don’t think he wanted to voice that out loud. As I look at his face, I know I’m right, he has to be cursing himself.

“Do you want me to be honest?”

He gulps, and I just _know_ this is as vulnerable as he can get. I’m still in awe about the fact that he’s really offering himself to me, that this is really happening,

“Yes, please.”

Bringing my slippery fingers down again, I touch his flesh this time, circling, “It’s a strange feeling...when it’s just fingers. You will feel uncomfortable at first.” He bends his knees and props himself on his arms again, looking down at my hand. “You won’t understand where the pleasure of the action is at first.” At this, I bury my fingers inside him and he lies back down again with an involuntary yelp. “Weird, isn’t it?” He nods, his eyes closed. I start thrusting my fingers in and out slowly, a moan escaping my mouth at the sensation of his tight walls. Fuck, this will feel like heaven, I’m sure.

“Fuck!” He swears, letting me know that he’s probably feeling some kind of pleasure by now. 

I know I’ve barely started; I should be doing this until he’s begging for more, but I won’t be able to take it much longer, I want him so badly... When I take out my fingers he groans, opening his eyes to look at me menacingly. “Why the fuck did you stop just when I was starting to enjoy this?”

I don’t trust my voice to answer him, so I just pick up the condom, put it on as quickly as I can with my shaking hands. “You wanted me to be honest...” I mutter as I apply lube over my length. “It does hurt like hell at first.” I look at him after I say this to see if there’s any trace of fear or regret on his face but surprisingly I find none. He’s anxious, a bit nervous I guess, but not afraid.

“I figured so...” I throw him a grin that matches his own and settle myself over his body, running my hands up his legs and thighs as I do so. Damn, I can’t get enough of his skin, his flesh... Before I even ask, he puts his legs over my shoulders, and for a moment I wonder what would happen if I hurt him. It’s silly I know, but I can’t help but be paranoid and think about any possible injuries that this could lead up to. “What is it?” He asks, noticing my worried expression.

Shrugging, I try to smile and wipe that thought of off my head. “Just me being silly.”

“Ah! Than stop the silliness and do something. I’m about to explode here Dom, you’re too fucking slow!”

“What? You wanted me to keep finger-fucking you and now you’re complaining about me being the slow one?”

“Well, at least you were doing something then- OWW!” 

Maybe I did thrust in too strongly considering this is his first time, but the bastard deserved it so he would just shut up! Though, when I look at his face noticing the way his jaw is so tense, eyes wider than ever and by the way his fingers are digging on my skin, I know that I should have taken it easy. He was just kidding after all... But I was, I mean, I _am_ , too fucking hungry for his body, and the way he was being bitchy was the perfect excuse for me to do this.

“Sorry...” I can’t help but mumble as I pull back slowly. But he’s already sore, I guess, so another scream leaves his mouth as I do so. “It gets, better, I promise.”

“Ungh! I Ho-hope so...” Slowly this time, I thrust in again, his face relaxing almost imperceptibly, one hand clenching my hair as strong as he can and pulling at it. He’s trying to cause some kind of pain to me too, I just know that’s what’s in his mind now. 

He feels even better than what I’ve predicted. It’s out of this world. And the thought that I’m really here, in Matt’s bed, deep inside him, the fact that he wants me to be here is almost too overwhelming for me to be able to accept it. What if this is all a tricky dream, a product of my very fertile imagination? What if I wake up again, sweating and hard, like I did so many mornings? What if-

“Fuck, Dominic!” His voice brings me back to reality. This is real, Matt’s real, and we’re truly here. It is happening. “Don’t zone out on me now!” Damn, how did he know my mind was starting to drift? I mean, I was still feeling everything, but I was almost accepting it as a dream. 

“I’m right here...” I say just above a whisper and our eyes lock for a moment where I get lost in his dark orbs. I can see that he’s still in pain, but his eyes also tell me to continue, to show him what it really means to be this intimate with a man. Grabbing his hand, I pin it to the bed and entwine our fingers. This time he doesn’t do anything against it and I smile at the feeling of being connected not only by our bodies but by some sentiment too. My other hand travels to his leg, grabbing him over and over again, up and down as I bury myself even deeper. I feel his strong muscles contracting under my touch and that makes me want to explore him even more. 

When Matt throws his head back and a particular loud moan of pleasure leaves his mouth, I know the pain is finally gone. Or at least, a great part of it is gone.

“Feeling better?” I ask in a raw low voice.

“Yes. YES!” He screams after another deep thrust, his fingers digging so much into my flesh that I’m sure there’s going to be bruises. “Faster... faster, Dom!”

The sound of his voice and the way he’s clenching so deliciously around my length make me lose control and I start thrusting madly trying to get even deeper. He doesn’t seem to mind though, in fact, I think we’re both very close to the peak. The intensity of the moment won’t let us last as long as we wanted but, I don’t really care about it right now. I need release. His hand leaves my shoulder and he sneaks it between our bodies to grab himself. I can’t help but look down for a moment, instantly entranced by the motion of his hand over his own flesh.

“Oh Matthew... Matt...” I moan as I look back up. With that sight in mind and, a few more thrusts and I know it will be over for me very soon, and I hope Matt is up there too when it happens. “Matt...” I can’t help but moan his name over and over again. “So close... Too close...”

Surprisingly, his orgasm happens before mine. I feel lucky because I get to watch him, and it’s so fucking beautiful... He throws his head back sharply, eyes shut down tightly, his pale neck exposed, legs tense around me as he keeps rubbing himself with his hand. His other hand grips mine tightly and I feel his hot liquid on my stomach. Before he comes down to earth, I let my own release hit me, strong, enormous, the best one of my short life. I bury my forehead in his chest, still deep inside him, as I let the spasms run over my body freely, feeling like I’m setting free from an invisible cage.

When it’s over, I let my body fall down on Matt, feeling his legs dropping to the mattress but letting me rest on top of him, my head just a little below his chin. We stay there, trying to control our breathings and racing hearts, neither of us moving a muscle for a long time. Shit, it’s still hard to believe it truly happened; it’s hard to believe that I’m here.

When my eyes focus again, I look ahead and notice his medals hanging on the wall. I knew he would have them in his room... I smile and take a deep breath, letting his scent invade my nostrils. It’s not only his scent now, it’s fused with mine... I smile wider at the thought and run my hand over his chest, circling a nipple with my fingertip.

Finally, I find enough courage and will to look up at him. A lazy smile is playing on his lips, but he doesn’t say a word. Once again, I don’t know what to do, but I smile back. “So... how was it?” I figured that this is not a silly question because it was the first time he had a dick up his arse. It’s not a silly question...

He chuckles, his eyes twinkly, the sapphire blue is there again. “Not too bad.” I punch his arm lightly, but keep smiling. “It did hurt, like I thought it would, but it wasn’t unbearable, and then the pain was gone and...”

“And?”

“Are you expecting me to sing your praises, Howard?” He mocks his hand clenching my hair forcefully.

Leaning down, I peck his chest and turn to him again, flicking my tongue out for a second. “I’m expecting you to say the truth.”

He takes his time, which is a very long time in my opinion. Deep down, I know the answer, I’ve seen it! But tell that to my heart... I’m nervously waiting for what he has to say.

“It was out of this world...” He finally says. “This is as honest as I can get.”

I think I’m about to explode with happiness. “Thank you.” I manage to mutter. “Thank you...”

He simply nods and I feel an urge to kiss him. But I hold back... In fact, I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. Go home? Maybe he’s expecting me to go home. Reluctantly, I get away from his willing body and sit up on the bed. I run my hands over my tired face, fighting the need to lie down again and cuddle Matt until we both fall asleep. 

“There are tissues on the drawer.” He says pointing to his bedside table. I throw him a questioning look, not understanding what he means until he points to our bellies. Realisation hits me and I snigger as I open the drawer and grab said item. I wipe the white substance off of both our bodies, take off the condom and get up to place it all in the bin.

When I turn around, Matt is still in the same position looking at me, possible debating whether he should ask me to stay or not. I sit down on the bed again, deciding not to make this easier for him.

To my surprise, he smiles and lies down on his side, pushing the covers over his naked body, leaving enough room for me to crawl back in beside him. I throw him a questioning look and he nods.

****

“Dom...” He calls when I’m under the covers.

“Yes.” I look at him, not knowing whether I should stay where I am or take him in my arms. I don’t know what he wants, to be honest.

“Give me space, yeah? And time... Like you’ve been doing lately.” Now I’m confused... He asked me into his bed after that mighty shag and now he’s asking me to give him space? And they say women are complicated... I bet some men are much worse, and one of those examples is right before my eyes. “You can sleep here, in fact I’d like you to, because it’s late and all... But, let’s skip the hugging and cuddling bit, okay?” Oh... that’s what he meant. “I need both space and time, now.”

I don’t understand but I nod. In fact, I don’t feel bad about it... I feel like he’s letting me into his life, but this takes time, I know. And he’s letting me stay... More than that, he actually asked me to stay. I smile at the thought and sigh. 

“Goodnight then.” He smiles one last time and turns away, so I’m facing his back. I don’t care though. I’m here... 

_ He wants me to be here. _

“Goodnight, Matt.”


	14. Chapter twelve

Because I’m not used to sleep with someone in the same bed, or even in the same room for that matter, every time Matt moves my mind drifts into consciousness. I don’t wake up properly every time he shifts but my sleep is not as profound as before. The fact that I’m in a strange place and with _Matt_ by my side doesn’t help either...

After one particular loud shifting sound, I dare to open my eyes and for a moment I let sleep vanish completely. It feels good and overwhelming to take a look at Matt at his most relaxed state. Surprisingly, I don’t feel like I’m intruding a private moment and I can’t help but smile and feel like I’m on cloud nine.

Matt is lying on his stomach now, one hand hidden under the pillow and the other resting comfortably right in front of his face. His features are completely softened, and even though it’s dark, only the lights of the city peeking through the curtains, I can figure a small, barely there, smile on his lips. He must be having a pleasant dream, which makes me smile slightly wider. The man is beautiful, that’s the best way to describe him. Fighting the urge to reach out and touch his face and his hair, I close my eyes again. I need to sleep some more...

I’m not sure how many more hours pass before I wake up again. I just know that I slept much more peacefully after looking at Matt’s face for a few seconds. It’s like I needed that sight to help me sleep better.

Anyway, it’s the sound of water running on the shower that wakes me up this time, and also the strong sunlight that is starting to invade the bedroom. Taking a deep breath, I stretch out a bit, trying to send some kind of life to my muscles. Matt’s scent fills my nostrils and I open my eyes slowly as a wave of contentment flies through my body.

Unlike last night, I take a good look around the room, noticing its simplicity combined with the good taste Matt seems to have. I look down the bed, noticing that the cover is a dark blue one, with makes me smile as I wonder if he knows any more colours that are not, black, red, blue and white. Well, there was that shocking yellow puff...

There’s a wooden rocking chair near the window, a beautiful piece of furniture, probably old but apparently in good shape. Neat. I wonder if it has any significance. I always wanted to have one of those... There’s such a peaceful feeling attached to it. Then I notice the medals, but I had already seen those last night.

Something on the shelf, close to the rocking chair, catches my attention. It’s a picture. Curiosity takes the best of me and I get up from the bed, not even bothering to cover myself, and make my way to said object.

It’s easy for me to identify Matt... Well, I don’t think anyone who knows him would have any difficulty, anyway. The picture must have been taken about three or four years ago. The older couple must be his parents, the man is familiar, he’s the one I saw with Matt on that café, weeks ago. Yes, that’s his father. There’s a younger couple with them... At the time the picture was taken, they were probably on their mid to late twenties, though the girl seems to be the oldest. Are they Matt’s siblings? With such a large age gap? Well, it’s possible... His parents are older than mine, older than my friends’ parents too. His mother and sister have the same blue eyes Matt has, whilst his father and brother have brown eyes. The three siblings look alike though, especially Matt and his sister. She’s like a feminine and older version of him.

If Matt is hard to read in person, well, in pictures it seems impossible. Even though he has a small smile, there’s something about it that makes me wonder... Like he’s hiding something inside, but I don’t know what it is.

“Only one night in my room and you’re already getting nosey!” I gasp and tense up at the sound of Matt’s voice. “Unbelievable...” Great... That’s it, it’s the end... He’ll kick me out! And he’ll never invite me in again and I’m going to feel depressed for weeks and I won’t be able to face anyone- “You’re lucky that the sight of your naked body early in the morning is enough to put me in a good mood.” He lets the small joke out but I know he’s not amused. After all I was pushing the boundaries knowing how private he is. The fact that he at least doesn’t seem furious encourages me, but just a little bit.

My body shudders before I turn around, eyeing the floor. “Sorry... I just...just got curious, I guess.”

As I hear steps in my direction I look up. I only get a glimpse of his face as he walks past me, but I instantly notice his fresh scent and his still humid skin, towel wrapped around his waist. Matt picks up the picture from the shelf and looks at it with a mixed expression. I can’t say exactly what’s beneath his action because I’m too caught up in his appearance. He looks so tasty... If he had not scared me like that I don’t think I would be able to resist... But now, after his “greeting” I’m feeling all shy again. 

He sighs and puts the photo frame back on the shelf. “Let’s eat something, I’m starved.” He’s still not kicking me out? I don’t understand... I wasn’t expecting that. Matthew really is full of surprises. After he puts his boxers and a T-shirt on I follow him into the kitchen, putting on my own boxers on the way there, still a bit taken aback by Matt’s behaviour. He seems to notice it as he turns back to me with a lopsided grin. He doesn’t mention it though and starts talking about random things. “What time do you have classes today?”

“Only on the afternoon.” He takes some eggs out of the fridge and I stand there, near the table, not really knowing what to do.

“Can you make a good coffee?”

I shrug “My roommates like it...” 

“Then, do something!” He practically orders. Another thing that I’ve learnt about Matt is the way he likes to boss around. It’s not only a question of being in control, it’s a question of being bossy, he loves it.

“Yes, sir!” I chuckle still a bit nervous as I make my way to the counter. Little by little, I start to feel more at ease. I wonder if this morning would be different if he had not caught me staring at his picture.... I wonder if I would have the guts to kiss him if he had not startled me like that. Probably I would. “Do you like it strong or with plenty of water? Or milk?”

Turning his head to me, he smirks, making my knees go weak. “Strong, Dominic. Always strong.”

I gulp and nod, turning back to my task before my body speaks louder than my mind. “As you wish.” 

I can almost see the grin, even though I’m not looking at him. Silence falls upon us, but, surprisingly, it’s not uncomfortable. Despite its start, I’m starting to enjoy this morning: both of us preparing breakfast, seeming not to have anything else in our minds, no complications, no problems... And there’s a feel of attachment in all this, which makes me smile slightly but truthfully. Matt places two mugs on the counter and I fill them with coffee, sincerely hoping that it is delicious indeed.

“It’s not easy to explain how I felt. I guess you have to go through it to understand.” He says out of a sudden. At first I’m clueless; I don’t really know what he is on about. Then something clicks in my mind and I realise I made a certain question last night and he didn’t answer back then. I asked him how he felt like when he finished his long program. “It’s much easier to explain the rage I felt after the short program.” He continues as he places a plate with fried eggs and some bread on the table.

As he sits down, I place one mug in front of him and another one close to me and take a seat myself. “I see... But you looked... well, numb after it, like you accepted it. And before the program you looked nervous... That’s when I realised that something had to be wrong.“

“I _had_ to accept, Dom. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do anything right in my condition and I knew I would be lucky if at least I didn’t fall. But then I did...and it was bad.”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” The last thing I want is to make him feel pressured. But when I think about it, I realise I said the wrong thing... Matt wouldn’t start talking about this if he didn’t want to, and now that I mentioned it, he may just stop and sulk.

“If I’m talking about it is because I want to!” He exclaims, his eyes boring deep into mine. I simply nod and break the stare, taking a sip of my coffee. “The only thing I was certain of at the time was that I didn’t want to withdraw. I wanted to skate the long program and I wouldn’t stop unless I couldn’t stand on my feet.”

“Ann told me you wouldn’t withdraw. She was the one who told me what was going on, but she didn’t know much anyway... She only told me that her coach had talked to yours and said you caught the stomach flu and that was why you couldn’t skate properly. And that you were going to do some kind of treatment so you could perform in two days.”

Matt nods looking down. “That’s also what I told the press... although everyone would _love_ to know all the details, it would be good for promotion, people just love that, love those stories, you know?” He looks back at me, his eyes shining with intensity. “They think it’s heroic. But I don’t want to be remembered because of a Bronze Medal I won while being ill. I want more...”

I can’t help but feel extremely proud of him... Of course he could tell everyone what happened and use it for his own benefit, but he chose to do the right thing and simply explain everything without any details. I believe he also did it because of the other skaters, Patrick and Brian, he didn’t say anything but I feel like it influenced his decision to stay as quiet as possible too. They had their merit and it would be wrong if people started thinking that they only got those Medals because Matt was ill.

On the other hand, I feel curious about what was on his mind during that period when he was trying to get better. “Can I ask you what really happened?”

He looks back at me, as if he doesn’t know if he should answer or not. He sighs and takes a sip of his coffee. “This is really good!”

“Cheers!”

Looking somehow distant, he drinks a bit more and for a moment I think that he won’t answer my question. But he’s indeed full of surprises... “I was at hospital for hours... Nausea, vomits, stomach ache... You get the picture. I knew that I needed to eat but my stomach didn’t seem to be able to take anything, not even water. I had two IVs on my arms so my body wouldn’t dehydrate and also so I could get a sugar supplement, or else I could faint at any second with hypoglycaemia and dehydration. Twelve hours away from the long program and instead of getting ready for it, I was lying in a bed in a fucking hospital.”

“But then you were able to skate in such a short period of time...” There’s a certain melancholy on his face, something I’ve never seen before on those unique features. 

“Yeah, surprisingly I recovered very fast... I got better.” He smiles, probably remembering the moment when he realised he would be able to skate the long program.

“I don’t think getting better is the main point here.” He looks at me with a questioning frown and I smile to myself, looking down at my almost emptied mug before facing him. “I think it’s more about your courage to go forward with it; you really had the guts _and_ the heart to go forward with it, to skate the long program. I doubt most skaters would act that way...” His eyes drift down as his hand plays with his fork. “Being a hero is not the point here, but a fighter? Oh yes, and a very brave one, because you skated against all odds.”

Scratching the side of his face, he looks at me again. “Yeah, I guess.” 

“I believe one day you’ll look back and see things this way.” I fight against the urge to reach out across the table and take his hand on mine. That would be a wrong move, as appealing as it may sound.

“Very wise.” I’m not sure if he’s mocking with me or talking seriously, but I don’t really care because I know I’m right. What he did was like an inspiration to me. I wish I could have the same strength to fight for what I want and need. Maybe one day...

Silence falls upon us again and I devour my breakfast. I hadn’t noticed how starved I actually was... I mean, dinner last night was pretty quick and I didn’t eat anything since then. The quiet atmosphere is interrupted by the ring tone of Matt’s cell phone. “Just a moment”, he says wiping his mouth with a napkin as he gets up. I nod and watch him walking in the direction of the sound, to his bedroom, I guess. “Hey, Cath.” I hear him saying into the phone. The rest of the conversation doesn’t reach my ears loud enough for me to be able to listen to what he’s saying. I don’t know who he’s talking to, but the slight angry tone he’s using starts to make me wonder.

Sometime during the conversation, his tone seems to change, becoming softer, but it doesn’t take long before I hear steps approaching, telling me that he’s returning. Without a word, he returns to his place at the table and finishes his coffee. “Do you have siblings, Dom?” He asks, leaning back on the chair after emptying his plate and mug. So...it looks like Cath is his sister.

“No, I don’t. My parents wanted another child but then they thought better about it and it didn’t seem like a good idea... You need to have a good amount of money if you want a big family.” I ramble away. “I mean, they would certainly find a way but they chose to have just one kid.”

“Hey, I asked you a simple question, you don’t need to tell me the story of your family.” If it wasn’t for his snort, I would think I crossed the line, but I just threw him a smile and shrugged. “But I see what you mean, though...”

“I guess it must be good to have a big family... Brothers and sisters you can trust on, who are always there for you, unconditionally.” I smile to myself. Especially when I was younger, but nowadays as well, I wanted to be part of a big family, thinking that it would make me feel less alone. In my mind, the typical sibling fights seemed so much fun, sharing toys and computer games with a brother had to be cool at some point, having an older sister to talk to about my love life could maybe help me solve my problems, and just knowing that those people are always _there_ no matter what. 

“If you get along well with them, I suppose it must be amazing.” Slowly, he’s letting these personal things out. I don’t know whether I should try and ask him or if I should just go with the flow and let him talk whenever he feels like it.

“So your relationship with your siblings isn’t a good one?” Curiosity takes the best of me. Luckily, his posture doesn’t change and he keeps running his finger along the wooden table, his other hand holding his head.

“I like to think that it’s as good as possible, considering our age gap.” With that, he gets up, carrying his plate, mug and utensils and placing them in the sink. Getting up as well, I do the same and stand by his side. “You have classes to catch, don’t you?”

“It’s only ten o’clock,” I say after taking a glance at the small blue clock hanging on the wall, “I only have classes at two in the afternoon.” I almost laugh at myself. He practically told me that it’s time for me to leave his place and still I manage to act all cheeky.

He turns to me with a smirk on his face. “Really?”

“Really.”

“You know what?” By the twinkle in his blue eyes, I can sense what kind of remark is coming. “You stink.” I pretend to look offended which encourages him (like he needs any kind of encouragement, anyway...) “You need a shower.”

Within minutes, we’re clumsily making our way to the bathroom, hands attempting to grab everywhere, mouths sucking and biting wherever it’s possible.

I could get used to this.


	15. Chapter thriteen

Okay. I have to admit my body isn’t used to any kind of sport right now, but I decided to fight against that. Before coming to London, I used to play football and that kept me on a good shape. Also, on my first months here, I sometimes went to the gym but I started to go less and less until a day came when I had to give up on it. I always had too much to study and I had, and have, my part-time job so I really didn’t have a choice.

So, after a tennis match with Scotty, I’m nearly finished. I need to do this more often so Matt will stop saying that my muscles are too soft. Well, it seems like by doing this I’m silently agreeing with him, but I’m not! My muscles are just right and he should stop being rude and making those comments but on one thing he’s right: practising a sport can do miracles to someone’s life. Possibly not with the intensity he does, that’s different, but to make the muscles and bones work once or twice a week can lift up the mood and make you feel lighter and better. That much is true.

After _hanging out_ (it’s still difficult to define whatever is going on between us) with Matt for almost a month I finally decided to listen to him. He says a load of bullshit but he says some good stuff too.

“You’ll get better at this”, Scotty says patting my shoulder as I manage to drink as much water as possible in a short period of time. “I can’t believe that after months of nagging you to play with me you finally agreed!”

“Yeah...” I mutter still trying to regain my breath. “But you should have taken it easier on me. I’m dead!” I sit down on the grass next to the tennis court. A young couple just took our places and are now playing. They’re both used to it, that is easy to figure out.

“Oh, you’ll get over it.” He chuckles taking the water bottle from my hands to drink a bit himself. “So... I believe the _guy_ had something to do with this sudden will to keep in shape.”

_ “I have something to tell you...” I was shaking so much that I couldn’t even grab the glass of water that was on the table in front of me. That was probably one of the most fearful moments of my life. In front of me were my three best friends, the ones that mattered, the ones that I should have talked to ages ago, even before Matt came into my life to shake it all up. Those three were with me in the living room of the small apartment I shared with the guys, waiting for me to tell them something apparently important. _

__

_ “Dom just spit it out!” Andrea hurried me. “You’re making me nervous, is there something wrong with you? Your health?” _

__

_ Adam sent a worried look in her direction, I don’t think that thought had crossed his or Scotty’s mind. “No, no... my health is just fine. I’m fine too. But...” Still, I couldn’t find a right way to say it. _

__

_ “Oh come on man, we’re all dying here!” Adam hissed in frustration. It had been a week after the happening on Matt’s apartment and since then I’ve been meaning to tell them about my sexuality more than ever. I talked to Matt about it but he just told me to do what I thought was best, saying that he wasn’t going to be the one to tell me what to do. Well, I just knew I had to tell them, I couldn’t take it any longer. _

__

_ “Right... So...I asked you guys to come here, well, I asked Andrea to come here because you both live-“ _

__

_ “Dom!” Andrea interrupted me. “We get it. Just go straight to the point.”  _

__

_ “Well, I... I...” I couldn’t help but look down as the important words left my mouth. “I’m gay.” _

“Partially... But not the way you’re thinking.”

“I’m not thinking anything.” He takes another sip and looks at me again. “I mean, I can be open minded and all, but imagining those things just... just no.”

“Frankly, Scott!! I’m not expecting you to imagine anything!” I grab the bottle back and take a big sip, wiping my mouth afterwards. “I’m just saying...argh, never mind!”

He chuckles as he shakes his head making me chuckle slightly as well.

_ Three pair of eyes eyed me with a mixture of surprise and realization. I manage to hide it well, but at the same time it was like they were expecting something like this; something that would explain my behaviour. _

__

_ “Oh.” Adam was the first to let out a sound. Even if it wasn’t more than that: a sound. _

__

_ “Well, that explains everything...” Scotty said as he scratched his hair, his eyes darting down. _

__

_ “Totally.” Andrea agreed. She was the only one who was still looking at me, and when my eyes met her blue ones, I could see right there that I could count on her, that she would be by my side no matter what. “Fuck Dom how long have you been meaning to tell us?” She asked after a few moments of uncomfortable silence. _

__

_ “A while...” _

__

_ “How long is a while?” She insisted, Adam lifted his head so he was looking at me too. _

__

_ “Well... I’ve known for months, many months.” More than a year actually, but that fact could shock them even more. “But... well, I didn’t feel like talking about it earlier. I mean, I wanted to tell you guys, but I’m a fucking coward and until now I had no strength to do it.” _

__

_ Scotty had his eyes on me too and they were all frowning at me. “Did you... did you think that we would put you out or something?” He asked looking incredulous. _

__

_ “No! No, not at all. Okay, maybe I was a bit afraid of your reaction, but I think that’s natural and deep down I knew you would accept it. Listen, this isn’t about you guys, this is about me. I mean... **I** wanted to keep it to myself, for stupid reasons, because I didn’t want people that I barely knew, our colleagues from Uni, to look at me as if I was a weirdo. I guess they already do it anyway, but that’s different. I didn’t want to hear the jokes I knew some people would throw my way. Now I just don’t care...” _

__

_ There was another moment of silence, until Andrea finally spoke. “What made you change your mind, then?” _

__

_ “I... I’m sorry but I can’t answer that question. Not now anyway.” _

__

_ Andrea’s chuckle ran through the thick atmosphere and I wondered what was on her head. By the way my roommates were looking at her, they didn’t know either. “You’re being so obvious now, Dommy.” _

__

_ “Is he?” Adam asked, not getting her point. _

__

_ She simply rolled her eyes muttering “guys” and faced me again. “You’re seeing someone and you want to keep it a secret.”  _

__

_ “It’s not that simple.” _

“So, this _thing_ you have... is it going to be _simple_ in the future?”

“Future?” I chuckled. “We don’t have a present yet, how can I think about the future?” I can see he’s a bit taken aback by what I said and I can’t blame him. The three of them have been great, never forcing me to tell them anything I don’t want and respecting my silence when it comes to the mysterious guy I’m obviously going out with.

Matt and I... Well, it’s still the same. Only we’re getter better and better when it comes to sex. But outside the bedroom, or shower, or living room for that matter, what I mean is, when we’re not fucking like rabbits during his few free days, our _thing_ is still the same.

Somehow I think it’s because we don’t have that much time to spend together. When he has a day off, we get together on the previous night and only part on the next night. Apart from that, we sometimes snog on the changing rooms at the rink and sometimes we eat something together, but it’s always very quick. So, time to talk and stuff like that is diminutive. I don’t blame him because whenever I’m with him I can’t help myself either, I’m hungry for his body even before we reach his apartment. That’s probably because we only have these nights once or sometimes twice a week, so, I have too much frustration accumulated to be able to sit down and talk. Well, we do talk sometimes, but it’s usually nonsense, or just Matt lecturing me that I should practise some sport.

“Complicated thing...” Scotty snorts. “Don’t let it destroy you, yeah?”

I shake my head with a smile. “It fuels me.” It’s true, but sometimes it makes me lose my head as well. As much as this whole situation is helping me getting out of my shell I would love to have more when it comes to Matt. Damn it I want something more serious and I want to be able to tell everyone about us. So far I’ve been coping perfectly with what he has to offer but sometime I wonder how long I’ll be able to be happy with this. With _just_ this. 

And I also wish I knew more about him. I wish I knew how he truly feels about me.

“Well... you know that we know what’s going on, even though you never told us, but if you ever want to talk about it, don’t hesitate. Don’t make the same mistake twice.”

“I won’t.” Of course it wasn’t difficult for them to figure out what was going on. They knew where I worked, they knew I was always eager to go there... They knew _me_ after all.

*

After taking a quick shower at home and changing into dry and fresh clothes, I started making my way to the rink, the usual smile playing on my lips.

I thought about taking the public transport this time because I was indeed tired and I still had to work, but I still had time and I liked to walk anyway.

Bad choice. When I made it there, I could barely feel my legs. It would be so great if Mr. Kent asked me to help him in his office today... But I don’t think I had that much luck because I already helped him two days ago.

“Hello Dominic! You look a bit down today...” Mrs. Stone voice reaches my ears and I turn around to greet her.

“Hi Mrs. Stone. Well, I had a tennis match with a friend... I guess I’m not used to it.”

“You have to take it easy, son...” I nodded with a smile and walked towards the rink. To my delight, Matt is there, on his own; he seems to be training his spins. I take a look around to see if there is someone else in the area. Finding nobody, I smile and climb up the stairs that lead to the seats and make the small way to the corner of the rink, sitting there, my legs pending towards the ice, as I enjoy the sight. Work can wait a few minutes. This is my favourite spot to watch him because I can be as close to the ice as possible without distracting him. 

It’s impressive... He’s so concentrated on what he’s doing that he doesn’t notice me until he finishes and sees me waving at him. In a small instant, he’s standing in front of me.

“You’re such a spy, Dominic. Don’t you have work to do?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“Actually it is! After all you work here and that means that whatever you do, or don’t, will have repercussions on my performance.” I can’t help but laugh at his sudden little speech, but he manages to keep a serious face. “I’m glad that you find it amusing.”

“Very... Anyway, because I followed your advice I’m afraid I won’t be able to work properly today.”

He frowns and I just feel like reaching out and grab his head to kiss the life out of him. “My advice?”

“You told me I should practise some sport, and you were right for once.” He smiles, self appreciatively, and I’m sure he’s pushing his chest further out. “So I didn’t have classes this afternoon and I finally decided to play tennis with Scotty. He had been trying to convince me for a while, by the way.”

“Tennis? Tennis is great!”

“Yeah, but every muscle in my body is hurting right now.”

“That’s because you’re a softie. I told you that before.” I reach out trying to punch his arms, but he moves back quickly, the fact that his on his skates helping him. “Did you really think you could get me while I’m here on the rink?”

“I’ll get you later.”

“ _If_ I let you.”

I chuckle shaking my head. “I have to go...” I say checking my watch. “Listen... I’m going to visit my parents this weekend, I know we had plans but my mother called and all so... Since we’re... you know... I never went back to Devon.” I can be seeing things, but I think I saw a wave of sadness hitting his features for a moment. He disguises it quickly though making me even doubt I saw it there.

“Okay.” He simply says. For a moment I thought he was going to ask me to stay. Silly me.

“And Matt...” I need to tell him something else, something that is starting to nag me more than before. “When I get back and we have some time together again, I... I’d like us to have a talk.”

“A talk?” He frowns, tilting his head to the side. I’m pretty sure he knows what I mean but he’s just being himself and making this more difficult than it already is. 

“Yeah, a talk. And a fuck too of course.” I grin trying to lift up the mood. The frown disappears and I get up. “I have to work now.” I stretch out a bit and wince in pain. “I hope this pain goes away soon. I think I’m going to a professional masseuse when I get out of here.”

“Massages are one of the best things in the world.” I look down at him with a smile, glad to see that he’s not going to sulk due to my will to talk about this _thing_ between us. He looks around the rink making sure we’re alone before looking at me with a smirk as he crooks his index finger. “Come here, we’re on our own.”

“Someone could come here at any second, Matt!” I complain, but I’m already crouching down again and before I know he puts a hand behind my neck and his lips attack mine.


	16. Chapter fourteen

“Be careful with my feet, Howard!”

“Alright, I won’t touch them.”

“You can touch them, but _carefully_...” I was trying to sulk, but it’s too difficult to sulk around Matt. Instead, his words make me feel a bit worried.

“Do they hurt?”

Matt snorts, splashing water at me. “I just spent almost an entire day on those skates, of course they fucking hurt!” I gulp, miserably realising that I had never thought about it. “But it’s not that much, not _unbearable_.”

“I see...” Tomorrow it’s Matt’s day off so, as usual on these occasions, we came together to his place after I finished my work at the rink, ate something and started our _activities_. But today, I mean tonight, Matt is more tired than usual, so we decided to relax a bit in the bath tub. I have to admit that this hot water and bubbles feel rather nice and smooth against my skin; I guess I needed this too. And then, of course, there’s Matt’s skin so close to my own, or even touching mine at certain points. It feels delicious.

Our backs are resting against opposite ends of the tub and that’s why I grabbed one of his feet to make an attempt at massaging it. Despite his reservations at first, Matt seems to be enjoying my light administrations on his sore foot. Well, I’m barely touching him, but he just threw his head back and seems to be enjoying.

I can’t help but become absorbed in the way his mouth parts as little sighs escape through. It’s addictive. And whenever he swallows, that Adam’s apple bobbing up and down, just... Oh, I’m getting hard... How ridiculous it that? He lifts a hand to scratch his cheek, letting it fall down lazily, back into the water, but now there are droplets making their way down his cheek and neck and into the surface covered by bubbles. I lick my lips, trying to hold myself back. Fuck, I want to lick those droplets and feel that silken skin on my tongue.

The bastard knows I’m watching him, the small smirk tells me so. That’s Matt, he doesn’t mind being adored, I mean he _loves_ being adored, and I know it turns him on. I don’t need to take a look under all these bubbles, I know he’s as hard as me because he’s feeling my eyes scanning him, admiring him, he knows I want him so badly and that is enough to make him horny. That’s another thing I’ve learned about him over the last few weeks.

A long sigh escapes my mouth without my permission and the smirk grows on his lips. He’s actually alert to any sound that I make even though he seems to be lost in the small massage I’m giving his foot. I smile fondly at the image because no matter how he acts I always find him attractive and I always feel that need to please him. But I’m no saint, I want him to please me too. And he does... Maybe he doesn’t know how much, he may have an idea, but he probably doesn’t realise how _good_ he makes me feel, how he pleases me in so many ways...

And he certainly doesn’t know how much he helped me getting out of my claustrophobic shell.

As I let go of his foot and run my hand down the back of his leg until I reach the back of his knee, he lets out a moan of pleasure. His burrows furrow as I massage him there and his lips almost turn into a pout, still parted, small moans leaving them. With my free hand, I grab his other foot and kiss his sole, then I run my tongue there and he immediately shifts, his hips bucking forward. I don’t get tired of watching him like this... There’s a mix of pleasure, contentment, vulnerability, wonder and trust in his features that he shows only in situations like this one. And I love every second of it.

“Oh... oh... What are you doing?” He moans, which encourages me.

After letting my tongue run across his foot again I bite his toe, lightly as I remember what he said about it hurting. Almost deliriously, I kiss it over and over again, open mouthed and watch another buck of his hips and hear another low moan. Still in a daze, I let my mouth and tongue run down again, taking more time than before, practically savouring it. When I can’t take it anymore, I lower his foot and place it on my shoulder, resting my head against it. My eyes can’t leave his face though, and my other hand can’t leave his leg as I slowly move it up and down.

I give him time to regain his breath, knowing that he’s really tired tonight and probably not in the mood to do something too fancy at least until he gets some sleep. Maybe he’s expecting me to do something, anything that doesn’t involve him moving too much, but he’ll have to ask, or at least give me a hint. That is, if what I just saw wasn’t a hint...

“The water is running cold...” He murmurs after an almost infinite period of silence. For a moment I even though he had fallen asleep.

“I don’t think so...” I’m saying the truth, but at the same time I say it because the last thing I want right now is to leave this tub.

“So, have you been practising tennis? Or have you given up already?” He teases, his foot leaving my shoulder and running down the middle of my torso until it reaches my belly where it stops.

“Of course I’ve been practising! I told you I would...” He shrugs, playing with the bubbles with one hand, looking uninterested. “It’s particularly sexy that you’re worried about my shape.”

He looks at me in fake shock, which is surprisingly entertaining for me. Once I got used to him (well, as much as I can be, there’s still so much to know and get used to...), I learned to find jokes where I didn’t before and I learned to not taking him seriously all the time. Some things he does or says still make me shudder and make me go all shy, but I know I’ve come a long way during the last six weeks.

“I am not. But being an athlete I feel the obligation to talk to people like you about the benefits of sports.”

I laugh softly at this and he lifts one eyebrow as if he’s challenging me to say anything else. Anyway I decide to slightly, almost imperceptibly I hope, change the subject. “Yes, Scotty will be forever thankful to you. When you meet him he won’t stop talking about it.”

As I predicted, his body tenses a little when I mention a possible meeting between him and my friends. “When I meet him?”

Taking a deep breath, I try not to get too affected by this. After all, this is something I was already expecting. “Possibly, I mean.”

He closes his eyes again, and I know he’s hoping that I won’t touch the subject again. But two weeks ago I told him we would have a talk. During our two last encounters I didn’t find the right moment but now I know I can’t wait any longer.

“Matt?”

“Hmm...” He doesn’t open his eyes; like always, he’s shutting me out, he’s preventing me to start saying anything serious. But I can’t keep on like this for much longer... It’s still comfortable, but it won’t be in a while and I need to put some things straight before it’s too late.

“We need to talk, and you know it.” His face contorts slightly, but he hides it quickly, returning it to an apparent relaxed state.

“We’re always talking, Howard.”

“No, we’re not.” He finally opens his eyes, meeting mine, daring me to continue. But this time he won’t stop me, not even if he glares at me furiously. This time I’m going to put it out. “I mean, we do talk about the most random subjects but we... we need to talk about this... thing that is going on between us.” To my own surprise, my eyes don’t leave his as the words leave my mouth.

“What is there to talk about? I thought you were comfortable with this.” He shrugs, apparently not caring too much, but I have to _believe_ he does.

“You know I am. For now at least.” I sigh, searching for the right words to say. An uncomfortable silence spreads between us for a few minutes. Somehow I think I’m waiting for him to say something. When he doesn’t, I know I have to continue. “I’ve come to a point when I need to know how you feel about this, Matt.”

“What do you mean?”

Why does he have to be so fucking complicated? He knows what I mean so why doesn’t he just answer the damn question? “I mean, I need to know what’s inside your mind considering... me. Because I’m tired of trying to guess and I’m tired of having doubts... Don’t get me wrong, this is great, to be with you like this is... overwhelming. But it’s been a month and a half since that first night here and... I need to know where we stand.”

“I was always honest to you, Dom. I never lied to you, since the beginning.”

“I know that! But, after all this time, is there no evolution? Because if there isn’t... I’m sorry but I simply can’t keep like this for much longer...”

Matt closes his eyes and runs his hands across his face. “What are you trying to ask me exactly?” He asks and then opens his eyes again, which fall directly into mine.

I take a deep breath, not leaving his blue orbs, so blue... “I want to know how you feel about me.”

“How do _you_ think I feel about you?”

I roll my eyes and sigh, trying not to get too angry. “Why do you always have to turn things around? I asked _you_ a question! This is not about me... This is about you, Matthew! I... I just realised I know nothing about you.”

“Oh don’t be silly, you know many things about me.” He’s looking at the bubbles as he says this, which makes me think that he’s feeling uneasy. That’s good though... If he felt nothing towards me he would be lifting his nose high in the air and laughing in my face.

“No, I don’t.”

“Dominic we’ve been doing this for almost two months”, he starts abruptly, startling me. “What the hell do you think? Are you that bad at reading people?” His frustration shines right through his voice but I simply can’t give up now. I’ve come this far and now I have to go till the end. Even if the end is... well, the end of _this_. However, that thought makes me shudder in almost terror... I’m too addicted to Matt; I’ve always wanted him, but now I feel that somehow I do have him, even if there’s no relationship, and to lose that after all these weeks... I don’t know how I would handle that. 

But I know I need to go through with this conversation.

“You don’t let anything out... It’s not my fault. I’ve been trying to figure out what is truly going on between us, but then I just give up and decide to enjoy. And Matt, like I said, it’s been great, so fucking pleasurable, such a great time... But I really need to know where we stand.” I hope I’m making myself clear, and I don’t want him to think I’m pressuring him into a relationship or whatever. I just want to know what he wants, what he thinks... Okay, maybe I _am_ pressuring him but that’s because I’m starting to feel so frustrated... Maybe it’s stupid considering that I’ve been with him for real, but I can’t help how I feel. I tried to fight against it, and I succeed so far, but now... I just don’t know...

Suddenly, Matt leans forward, disentangling his body from mine, and stands. At the moment I’m too worried about what he’s about to do to take a good look at his naked body and watch the droplets that are making its way down his torso and legs.

He grabs a towel from the hanger and gets out of the tub. Not good. Matt is completely shameless, I love that fact about him, and usually he doesn’t cover himself up in front of me. Such a simple act that says so much...

“Where are you going?”

“I told you the water was running cold, didn’t I?” He leans against the wall on his side and I chuckle, partially because I’m nervous but also because of the way he always manages to throw random things into a supposedly serious conversation. Even though, by his facial expression, I know he’s not amused. 

“Yes. Yes, you did.” I get up myself and grab a towel, though this is a big one so I throw it over my shoulders and sit on the edge of the tub. “Is it...” I start but something makes me stop. I have to try again. “Is it so difficult for you to at least tell me if I can have any hope in a possible future or not? Or even if you can’t say that, and I respect so, do you feel anything at all, apart from lust, for me?”

He bites on his lower lip as if he’s trying not to start shouting at me. Or maybe he’s just nervous... I don’t really know. “This is a bit hard to believe, actually.”

I frown, wondering what the hell he’s on about now. I’m seriously not patient enough for his games at this moment. “What?”

“Your need to... to verbalize things, emotions! It’s not necessary... Dom, if it was only sex, don’t you think I would have fulfilled it weeks ago?” I blink, trying to keep on track with what he’s saying. Of course I wouldn’t know that... “Listen, I don’t know what it is, but of course there’s something about you that attracts me, not only physically, but... something about _you_! Damn it, I thought that was pretty clear...” Yeah, I mean, nowadays he treats me better than most people, he seems to always want to be with me whenever he has a day out... But still, there’s something missing. 

“But then, can we... can we...” How to I fucking say it now? Can we get more official? Can I call you my boyfriend? Can we be a couple? None of these options satisfy me and I’m sure he will just frown at me if I ask one of them out loud. But I need to know...

He sighs, closes his eyes for a moment, opens them again. Nothing changed there... “Dom, I told you since the beginning-“

“But this is not the beginning anymore!” I’m getting impatient, and I know I’ll need to calm down due to Matt’s temper. If I start losing it I know he’ll have no problems in throwing me out of his place. “Sorry... Do continue.”

“I have no time to get seriously involved with someone.” Bullshit. Many skaters are in a relationship, why is he any different? “What we have is just... everything I can give.” I start shaking my head but he keeps talking. “Yes, it would change. You would start demanding things from me, you’d feel the need to always know what I’m up to and I can’t cope with that stuff.”

Now it’s my time to frown. “What are you on about? I’m not possessive like that...” It’s not a lie, I know I’m not. That’s not the reason why I want this to become more... _official_. I just want to... to... Now that I think about it I don’t really know why I want it, I don’t have a particular reason, I mean. But I guess it’s just part of the sensitive human nature that sometimes there’s a necessity to be able to call someone _my boyfriend/girlfriend_ because, inexplicably, it changes so much... And Matt would let me finally hold him at night. He still doesn’t let me touch him when we go to sleep whenever I sleep over.

And I feel like I still don’t know him. That’s probably what frightens me the most. When we started this I thought that at some point we would be able to actually talk like two people who have a connection do. But no... Sometimes I even start talking about myself, my life at Uni, my parents, about Devon, to see if he says something back but usually he just tries to change the subject to something else or, if we’re in his apartment, try and initiate sex, knowing perfectly well that I’m never able to resist that.

So I guess I feel like he knows me but I don’t know him. 

“Of course you’re not possessive.” He snorts ironically. “Not at all.” He has that mocking grin now, the one that is able to make me feel even more nervous and under his control. “We’re not even... _together_ , and you’re making this deplorable scene.”Suddenly I feel small. I felt like I had it in my hand, like this talk was actually under _my own control_. Well, not anymore, it seems. “Look, why don’t you fucking forget about it? What we have is good as it is.”  
  


“But it won’t always be...” The words are out of my mouth before I notice it.

“And why should I worry about that now?” He asks in an irritated tone, lifting his hands from his hips and opening his long fingers in front of him, trying to show just how much I’m getting on his nerves.

In that moment I realise that there’s nothing that I can say or do that can change his mind at this moment.

Feeling defeated, I pick up my clothes from the bathroom’s floor and dress in them slowly, it’s like I’m still waiting for him to say something.

“A talk and a fuck, you said.” His voice cuts through the thick air. Well, I meant something serious, related to what we were talking about.

“Is that all you can think about? We didn’t have a proper talk anyway.” As much as my body is screaming for him right now, I cannot surrender this time. He needs to realise that I’m not his toy, that I’m a human being with feelings. Strong feelings for him. Maybe he needs to spend tonight alone thinking about what he really wants. But who am I kidding? If he wants to get laid he’ll find it somewhere else. But at the same time he may miss me, I hope so anyway. After all, he admitted this is not just about sex, but he didn’t assume any feelings for me, so that leaves everything a bit in the open.

But I might be losing him... If he thinks I’m completely rejecting what he's giving he may never want to talk to me again, and that thought alone is capable of break me in two. Something inside me is telling me what a fool I’m being now, how stupid I am, but surprisingly, there’s a greater part that is telling me to go forward, that this is the right thing to do. I’m not sure I trust that part though...

It  hurts so much... Let’s be honest, I’m terrified that this may be the end of what we have.

“Fine, do it your way.” His tone is angrier this time. I wonder why he was so calm before, so patient... Now I know he’s about to lose it and I need to get out before it’s too late.

When I’m fully dressed, I take a deep breath and look around the walls before landing my eyes on his form. “I guess I’m going then.”

He’s looking at the floor, still wearing only a towel, arms crossed over his chest. I don’t want to go... I’m fighting the urge to kneel in front of him and ask for forgiveness even if that sounds degrading that’s precisely what that part of my mind is _begging_ me to do. 

“You know the way out,” he mumbles.

_ Please Matthew. _

“Go.” He says without looking at me. I can see his chest rising and falling rapidly and I wonder if that’s because he’s irritated with me or if that’s because he’s experiencing any kind of distress because I’m leaving in these conditions. “Just go!” He says louder when he realises that I didn’t move an inch.

That’s it... The way to the door happens in a blurry; it seems like I’m walking in a weird floor and everything around me seems cloudy.

What will happen now?


	17. Chapter fifteen

Life can turn upside down in a matter of seconds.

Okay, I’m being extremely melodramatic here, and the worst thing is that I know it, but that’s how I feel at the moment.

Two weeks have gone by after that terrible night at Matt’s apartment. Since then, we haven’t shared a word and it’s messing me up. I hate to feel like this, to feel so down because of him. I should have known that it would end up like this, I shouldn’t have gotten so involved, so deeply into it... But I did...

It was like a spell and in a matter of a few weeks I found myself addicted to him, I still am so addicted that I don’t know when I will recover from the loss. I’ve been trying to think of something that could make us go back to what we were; I’ve seriously considered asking him to please come back to me, beg him. I would do everything he wanted and whatever would go on between us would be exactly what he had in mind.

But even I don’t have such a low level of self respect and I don’t plan to humiliate myself like that. After all I’ve done nothing wrong... I only said what was going on my mind. I wish I could understand that man... But even though I don’t want to fall at his feet and beg for him to come back, I know that I can crack sooner or later. I’m not saying it will happen, but I think I know me. And I know I can lose reason at any second.

And I miss him. Fuck, I miss him so much. Whenever I start thinking too much about it I feel a sharp pain in my chest, it’s even hard to breathe. Especially at night and especially when I know he’s having a day off. And I’m not by his side during those nights... Sometimes I start wondering if there’s someone else sleeping on his side now that I’m not there. I keep screaming at my mind to get a grip, but usually I have no success.

As silly and reckless as it may sound, I had considered quitting my job last week. I even started looking for another one because I really need the money and I couldn’t quit just like that. Andrea stopped me though. Yes, I opened up to her. I couldn’t take it any longer just on my own and she noticed my depressive state anyway... It felt good; talking to someone, I mean. Deep down, I guess she had an idea about what was going on, she just didn’t realise how truly attached I was, I mean, I am, to the person I was seeing, to Matthew.

Seeing him at the rink is what hurts the most, because that visual contact just makes me realise more strongly what I lost. Sometimes we lock eyes, but, like always, I can’t read him. Whenever it happens, I paralyse and just wait... wait to see if he’ll come over and talk to me. But he never did, and now I doubt he ever will. But at least he looks at me, he notices I’m around.

Yesterday, he was taking a rest on the seats, lying in a familiar position. His back against the wall, one leg stretched out in front of him, the other bended up as he rested an arm on his knee. Just that sight was enough for my mind to start wandering towards a certain morning.

 

“Wakey-wakey Dom-Dom.” I groaned in response, wanting to stay in that bed forever. I felt so comfortable and warm... Not to mention that I was still very sleepy. Even though my eyelids were closed, I was able to notice that the room was not dark anymore so it was morning already.

Turning around on the bed, the soft sheets caressing my body as I did so, I sighed and rubbed my face, eyes still closed. “What time is it?” I mumbled, feeling the strong need to go back to sleep and fighting against it. I pushed the covers further up until they were resting just below my chin.

“Open your eyes and see it yourself.” I groaned again and turned on my back, pushing the covers back down my chest. I did open my eyes then, but I never got to look at the clock. Once I laid them on Matt I simply couldn’t concentrate on anything else, not even on something as simple as the hours.

He was sitting on the windowsill, the window was in front of the bed by the way, and that’s a sight that is certainly going to stay with me forever. If he did it on purpose to impress me I’m not sure and I don’t think I’ll ever find out, but that doesn’t matter anyway.

The early morning sun was shining behind him, giving him a special aura, an extra glow. In my eyes, he glows naturally every day, but that morning... Well, he seemed like a being out of this world. I started thinking of elves, gods and other beings that belong to a world of fantasy, not our real world. Sitting along the windowsill, one leg stretched and the other bended up as he looked at me through half lidded eyes, head rested back against the wooden side of the window, he was able to make me hyperventilate and accelerate my heart rate.

I didn’t know what to do in that moment. Part of me wanted to jump from the bed and ravish him, but other part just wanted to watch him, afraid to ruin that practically perfect image.

My mouth started watering and I swallowed hard, still fascinated and completely absorbed by Matthew Bellamy. What was he doing to me?

*

Another week and no changes between me and Matt. I really do have to talk to him, this is getting ridiculous. Even though I did nothing wrong and he’s the one being childish for keeping this kind of distance, I need to talk to him to clear my mind. I won’t rest until I do that. Well, I think I won’t rest after I do that anyway, but that’s another story.

But where’s my courage to do it? I can’t seem to find it.

This is the beginning of May which means I’ll have exams soon and I need to concentrate on my studies. That could be an excuse for my brain not to think about Matt but I just know it will work otherwise. I won’t be able to stop thinking about him and the words on my books will be just that. Words. And studying means I have to pay attention to sentences, understand them, memorize them. Or else, I won’t pass, and that is not an option.

Before going to work, I pass on the cafeteria to eat something because I haven’t eaten anything for about six hours by now.

“Hey, Isabella.” I smile at her. She greets me back with a beautiful wide smile, her Italian origins transcending through it, and I make my order. I used to wonder if she and Matt had continued their affair after I caught them. But I don’t think so, not while he was with me anyway.

While I wait I take a look around to see who’s at the tables; I don’t bother to seat at one, I need to eat something quick so I choose to do that at the counter. All faces are familiar except two. I mean, they are somewhat familiar and when that hits me I shudder instinctively.

“Do you know who they are?” Isabella interrupts my thoughts as she places a cake and an orange juice in front of me. She doesn’t even wait for my answer. “Those are Matthew’s parents.”

Dumbly, I nod, still not able to take my eyes away from them. I had already seen his father a few months ago and his mother looks almost like she did in that photo on Matt’s room. Her hair is shorter though, more stylish and curly. I’d say she is on her early fifties and her husband on his late fifties. Just by taking in their appearance, I can say that they’re simple people, but very classy.

“Dom!” Isabella’s voice brings me back to reality. “I think they noticed you staring at them...” Oh fuck. She chuckles, shaking her head.

“Oh I wasn’t staring at them, I was just curious...”

“Yeah, I get you... Matthew can be so mysterious that you can’t help but wonder what his family looks like, what his house looks like, and stuff like that... Quite a magnet, isn’t he?” She has a dreamy look on her face and before I know I’m furrowing my eyes at her. I didn’t mean to, but I guess it was a visceral reaction. She notices it and immediately changes her tone, realising what she was saying. “Oh, no don’t worry...” She smiles nervously, almost whispering. “Nothing else happened since that day.”

“Oh I have nothing to do with that”, I try to remediate the situation before her mind starts drifting in another direction that not herself and whatever she had with Matt, in the right direction. My direction.

“Well I thought... I thought you guys had become friends or something like that. It’s quite difficult to imagine Matt being friends with someone but he’s been spending more time with you than anyone else that not his coach or someone from the team.” She rambles away and I start to feel a bit nervous. I don’t want to feel the need to give any kind of explanations. But what worries me is that I had no idea that others had been able to perceive something between us. Even if they thought it was friendship. Okay, to be honest, we left the rink together some times and we were probably seen talking other times... And yes, considering we’re talking about Matt that’s a strong reason for anyone who knows him and knows me to assume we had become friends. Otherwise why would he even bother talking to me or even look at me?

“Yeah, kind of, I guess.” I need to try short vacant answers.

“Though I haven’t seen you guys together lately.”

Luckily, as I prepare another short answer, someone arrives and she has to take their order. I sigh in relief and proceed to eat my cake quickly.

I finish my small meal in record time and storm out of the cafeteria. I’m so focused on getting out of here before Isabella fires me with questions and observations that I bump into someone. Yes, that someone is Matt.

My breath gets caught in my throat as I stare at him, wondering if this is the right moment to say something to him about what is going on and how stupid it is. Like many times before, during the last three weeks, our eyes lock together and I’m sure the most variable kinds emotions shine from mine right into his blue orbs. I’m about to say something when the fact that his parents are in the cafeteria comes to my mind. They’re certainly waiting for him so this is not the right time. I sigh, partially in relief, and move to the side, letting him walk past me.

Before he disappears, he looks back. He actually looks back! “Dom...” As my name leaves his mouth I’m sure my heart stops beating for a short moment. He opens his mouth again as if to say something but then turns back and walks away. Just like that...

Well, after three weeks of absence, I mean, we had those stares into each other’s eyes but, this seems more promising somehow. I need to try not to get too excited because it could mean nothing... But it could mean something, and I have to hold on to that in order to keep my sanity.

As I approach the rink, classical music fills my ears, I think Ann is practising. I try to calm down, while listening to it, letting the piano and violin soothe me.

 

“Rage Against the Machine?!” I exclaimed, truly surprised as I took at look at Matt’s album shelf and pick up said album.

“What’s the matter about it?” He asked, seeming offended and taking the album from my hands to put it back where it was.

I chuckled at him and he frowned, demanding an explanation. “I just never thought you were the kind of guy who enjoys listening to Rage.”

“Why not? Just because I’m a figure skater doesn’t mean I only listen and enjoy classical music, okay? That’s a horrible preconception.” I had to fight not to laugh at his sudden defensive little speech. This happened about a week before our disagreement and by that time I was already confident enough to find his little mood swings and little burst outs amusing.

“I am so so sorry.”I said in fake apology. Of course I also knew that my teasing would make it all worse. But this was a light kind of mood swing, there was nothing to worry about and he knew I was just joking.

“You better be, or I’ll throw you out.” He menaced and I snorted, not feeling threatened at all. “I’ll throw you out of the window.” He added and that time I laughed. I guess I was feeling happy, the playful mood behind all this was uplifting. Nonetheless, his face showed disgust and he was probably a little taken aback that I was already able to take his threats in a playful way. “What’s so funny?”

Sighing, I shook my head and a little, barely there grin appeared on his face. “I don’t know.”

“That means you’re insane, you know that, right?”

“I know.” I’d been insane enough to fall for him.

*

If this situation had any positive impact on me was the fact that I realised how much my friends really mean to me. Especially Andrea. Since it became so difficult for me to concentrate on studying she’s been helping me which makes it easier or at least I can say I’m memorizing something. There’s a light atmosphere around us when we get to study together, and I can honestly say that I end up having a good time. She’s passionate about Biology, so I find myself truly enjoying listening to her.

Whenever I’m studying on my own, my mind drifts elsewhere, to Matt’s apartment, and starts reviving those moments I spent there...

 

Moans, shrieks and groans filled the air around us. Bodies covered in sweat, legs entwined, I didn’t exactly know how it was possible to feel so extraordinary, so complete, but so vulnerable at the same time. I forbade my mind to think too much whenever I was with Matt. But in moments like that one, I didn’t have to fight too much to stop those thoughts anyway, in fact, my mind was completely able to focus only on his body, his arms around me, his chest pressed tightly against my back as he buried his shaft deep inside me. I felt completely surrounded by him, his scent, his skin, his mouth on the back of my neck, biting, not kissing.

I was kneeling on the couch in the living room, my hands grabbing its back as I supported both our bodies. Matt was enveloping me from behind, I wanted to reach back and touch his but I knew that if I did that we would probably fall. And I didn’t want that because he was thrusting into me in the perfect angle. So instead, I threw my head back to rest on his shoulder and he immediately bite my ear and down my neck.

 

“Dom? Dom, are you there?” I blink, coming back to the present. Yeah, sometimes my mind drifts even in her presence, but the frequency is much lower when compared to those times when I am alone.

“Yeah, sorry... You were saying?”

“I was saying that-“ She stops and shakes her head. “You need to talk to him, Dom.” I gulp at the sudden change. She told me once that what is killing me the most is not the distance from Matt but the time I spend wondering if we’re really over of he’ll come back to me.

“What?”

She chuckles as she fidgets with her pencil. “You can’t keep on like this. If you didn’t like the situation you were on before, with him, don’t you think this is much, much worse?” Of course it is... That’s why feelings of regret torment me every night. Everything would be better than this. So oave I done the right thing? Probably not. But what can I do about it now? “You need to stop this, Dom.”

“I don’t know how to.”

Reaching out, she grabs my hand and chews on her bottom lip for a moment. “As much as I hate to say this, firstly you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself.” I frown, truly hating to hear that even though I know it’s true. “And then you need to talk to him because after almost three weeks, I think he has made it clear that you will have to be the one to take that first step.”

“But then he’ll keep seeing me as this weak, poor guy that would do everything to get him back, even after making a scene at his own place.” She shakes her head but I continue. “That would be too humiliating.”

“Guys...” She shrugs. “I seriously admire those homosexual guys who can have a relationship because you are all so stubborn and always afraid to look vulnerable and stupid! And then you’re so competitive, always waiting for the other to break first. Fucking Y chromosome...”

I can’t help but laugh at her little speech. She does too, scratching the side of her face. When I calm down again, I try and think about what she just said. “But I’m always the one who breaks first...”

“Are you, Dom? Are you really?” What does she mean? “It’s not like I know much about you guys and whatever was going on between you, and I only heard your incomplete version of the story but... If this guy is really such a difficult person, don’t you think he broke many barriers too? Even if he still kept a distance, he was with you... I think he just needs more time. Maybe you pushed his boundaries too far and too soon, Dommy.”

I sigh and bury my face in my hands. “But I simply couldn’t keep going on like that, pretending that I was completely alright with it, when I wasn’t.” I have to defend myself because, yes I can be wrong at many aspects, but I have my reasons too.

“I get that, and I completely understand... But, despite not being there, thankfully,” she jokes and I chuckle slightly, “I believe you did a bit a bit more than explain your reasons...”

I look down, knowing that she’s right, feeling somewhat ashamed. She grabs my hand again. “I ruined it all, didn’t I?”

As I look back up at her, she smiles fondly and warmly at me. “I don’t think so, not yet anyway. And let me just make one thing clear... I never said that what you did was completely wrong, not at all. You had your reasons too, possibly the most valid ones; maybe you just went a bit too far.” She smirks then, letting me know that a joke is coming. “And you’re so love struck that it is understandable.”

I snort at her words. “Love struck...”

“I’ve never seen you like this before... Look at you, you get all flushed and nervous and you haven’t even mentioned his name.” There’s truth on her words, I know it perfectly well, and surprisingly I smile shyly. “It’s okay... I’m only teasing you.”

“That doesn’t mean you’re not right.”


	18. Chapter sixteen

This is insane. I shouldn’t be trembling like this over something that I’ve been meaning to do for days. Finally, I’ve decided to go over to Matt’s apartment to see if I can do something to solve the situation we’re in. Andrea was right, at least in that one sense, this is killing me because I don’t know what to expect. Matt never said no, he never said that he never wanted to talk to me again or anything so there’s still a tiny hope. 

Despite that, I’m feeling more and more unsure with every step I take towards his house. I’ve decided to walk there, even though it’s already night time, so I would have time to think about the best way to approach him. My mind is not cooperating though, and by the time I reach his apartment, I realise that I cannot plan whatever happens once I face him. It depends a lot on his mood and on what exactly I will feel when I get in _that place_ again. That place I know so well.

When I reach that familiar wooden door, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. It’s now or never...

I ring the bell and wait anxiously, ignoring my mind when it tells me to run away.

Too soon, Matt opens the door and his expression instantly contorts at the sight of me. He wasn’t expecting this, I can tell. I mean, how could he?

“Dom.”

“Matt.”

After the initial shock, I take a short moment to look down his body and I notice that he’s dressed to go out. To go party, most likely. I gulp when I realise just how tight his jeans are and how good he looks in that dark blue shirt. I shouldn’t be staring but I can’t help it... I miss him so much, miss his touch, his body...and the way he’s dressed is so fucking sensual, especially those tight jeans that I’m sure I’ve never seen him wearing before! It’s like he did it on purpose, as if he knew I would be here tonight, as if he wanted to torture me. I look back at his face and I don’t miss the small smirk lingering on the left corner of his lips, he’s not trying to hide it anyway.

He knows the effect he has on me and he will use it to his advantage if he feels like it. He will put me on edge if necessary, just by standing there, but he certainly won’t fulfil the desire I’m feeling.

“Is there something that you want?” He finally says not moving from the doorstep, not inviting me in. 

I gulp again, and try hard to look into his eyes. “I want to talk to you.” I say in a weak voice. “If possible.” Damn it I shouldn’t have added that...

“Last time you said that, it all ended up pretty well.” He retorts sarcastically. What do I say now? I have no idea how to reply to that. “But no, it’s not possible anyway.”

In that moment, a familiar voice says my name cheerfully and I look behind me. “Ann! Hey...” I smile at her.

“Are you coming with us? I didn’t know Matt had invited you but that’s totally okay! I was going to do it myself but I couldn’t find you.” Invite me? For what?

“It’s Ann’s eighteenth’s birthday today.” Matt says when he realises that I’m completely oblivious. Oh, now I see! I mean, I’ve heard something, someone told me at the rink but I completely forgot... How rude of me, the girl is standing right in front of me and I couldn’t remember.

“Oh, of course! I’m so sorry, I was aware of it but I-“

“It’s okay, Dom.” She giggles, probably finding it funny that my cheeks are probably flushing. I can feel Matt’s amusement towards this situation.

“Well, happy birthday!” I exclaim and hug her lightly. “I hope you have a great year ahead of you.” She smiles shyly this time looking down. I know why... She is hoping to be qualified for the Olympics in Vancouver next year, that’s what would make her eighteenth year a great one.

“Cheers Dom.” She says facing me again. She’s looking fabulous too, a proper party girl and I’m sure many heads will turn in her direction tonight. She’s wearing a little green dress that falls to the middle of her thighs, gorgeously fitting her tiny skater body. Her blonde wavy hair is loose for once, falling smoothly over her shoulders, but the black eyeliner makes her hazel eyes stand out the most. I always looked at her as a kid, but she is turning into a beautiful woman. “So, you’re coming with us right?” She asks excitedly. “It will be funny, me going out with three friends who are guys, no boy will approach me! You’ll keep my preys away!” She jokes, giggling madly. She’s in such a good mood that it’s almost contagious. So three friends, counting with me, which means she’s going out with Matt and probably James.

“No, Dom doesn’t like parties.” Matt says, cutting off her excitement. 

“What?” She frowns looking at Matt and then at me. “Why not? And what are you doing here then, in a Friday night?”

“He was just passing by.” Matt answers before I can say anything else. 

“I am capable of speech.” 

“Of course you are.” Matt snorts. “Your speeches are certainly out of this world, aren’t they?”

Ann is looking at us as if we had been replaced by two different people. I wonder what she is thinking about and I wonder how much she knows about us. “Hey! What’s going on here?”

“Absolutely nothing.” Matt smiles at her. Only then, when an old man passes by and greets us, I realise that we’re still on the corridor. “And we have to go.”

“Yeah, James is waiting in the car...” She mutters, blinking a few times as if believing that she just imagined what she saw. “I just wanted to use your bathroom if you don’t mind, that’s why I came up.”

“Yeah, sure.” Matt says taking a step to the side to let her pass.

“You sure you don’t want to go with us, Dom?” She turns back to me and I smile shaking my head. “Okay then. Bye!” She winks and grins before turning around and disappearing into the apartment.

An awkward silence stands between me and Matt, but he doesn’t close the door on me at least. His fingers start drumming against the door frame as if he’s waiting for me to say something or go away.

“Well... I guess it will have to be on another time then.”

“What?” He _loves_ to make it even more difficult for me, almost impossible for me to handle actually.

“You know what I’m talking about. I’m tired of this.” I say just above a whisper.

“You brought this on yourself, Dominic. Now deal with it.”

I chuckle ironically at his words. “I _am_ dealing with it; I’m trying to amend what I did.” He says nothing and his expression is unreadable. “And you never told me that everything is over... Everything was left a bit in the open, wasn’t it?” His eyes narrow a little and he tilts his head to the side. “I miss you, Matt.” I admit in a whisper.

“You’re a complicated piece of work, Howard...”

“Me?!” I almost shout.

“Yes, you. Now get out of here before Ann comes back.” His tone is calm and almost playful. I hope this is him telling me that I still have a chance but just not right now. He’s about to go party with his friends and he doesn’t want the night to be ruined. However, I feel a wave of relief slowly washing over me, but not completely, not yet... That familiar agony seems to be vanishing away, only because of the tone of his voice and his softened features. I shouldn’t get too excited though.

“Will you tell me when I can come back?”

He snorts shaking his head. “You do have a nerve...” I smile and look down as he takes a deep breath. He seems to be taking my words in consideration. “Wait and see.” I look back up at him and he winks at me. Is he going to torture me like this from now on? “Now get out of here. I’ll see you around.” Well... At least we’re talking so my visit wasn’t in vain.

I nod with a small smile and turn around. “See you.”

*

Monday arrives quickly and, contrary to what I’ve been feeling lately, I’ve anxious to get to the rink. I’m confident that Matt will make a move today. I already took the first step, so I believe that now he won’t have problems in talking to me, even if it’s just a few words. I have to be patient if I want to do this right or else it will just stagnate and Matt will move on for sure.

When I get there, I spot Ann on the cafeteria and she waves at me. I smile and walk to her table, not sitting down because I’m in a hurry.

“So how was it Friday night?”

“Oh it was great. You should have come with us.”

“Maybe next time”, I wink. “Well, I have to go do some work. I’ll see you around.” Part of me wanted to make her questions about what happened that night. Questions about Matt, of course. I was dying to know if he got together with someone but I knew that a positive answer would have a devastating effect on me. So I chose not to know, at least for now, my ignorance seems to be the best option.

To my delight, Matt is getting out of the ice, bottle of water in his hand. My heart starts pounding wildly and I take a deep, hopefully calming breath.

As I observe him taking off his skates I realise how I got to be here one more time. I’ve made a complete circle and I’ve walked along its 360º until I’ve reached the beginning again. It makes me chuckle sarcastically at myself. Well, I need to work and hope that the opportunity for me to say something to him will come soon, today if possible.

_ “I’m starved...” Matt complained. _

__

_ “Wow, that’s a new one. I’ve never heard such a thing coming from your mouth before.” I chuckled picking a pair of clean boxers and a T-shirt. We had just gotten out of the shower that morning and my stomach was screaming for food as well. _

__

_ “Yeah, but I’m really starved this morning.” He continued as he rubbed his bare stomach. He turned his back to me to search for clothes on a drawer and I noticed the hickey on his neck. It looked worse than it did minutes before, just after I finished it. I guess Matt’s pale skin didn’t help... I vaguely remembered him telling me that he used to get nasty hematomas when he took a hard fall on the ice, all due to his sensitive skin. That happened more when he was a kid anyway. _

__

_ Reaching out I touched his neck lightly, but the action startled him and he turned around abruptly. “Hey! It’s just me...” _

__

_ “I was distracted... You could have warned me that you were approaching though.” He said in a slightly harsh tone. _

__

_ “I was just inspecting the hickey.”  _

__

_ Matt looked at the mirror on his right and winced. “Shit, Dom! Are you a vampire on disguise or what?” He moved his neck around inspecting my work and I couldn’t help but smile sadistically. He had his back to me but I could see his reflection, he wasn’t that mad about it, in fact I think he found it kind of amusing. “It’s not funny, you know? Especially considering people will see it.” _

__

_ Considering its place, in the curve between his neck and shoulder, I reckoned that yes, people would certainly see it unless he was very careful at hiding it. “It’s not like you need to give explanations to others, right?”  _

__

_ His expression changed as he looked into my eyes through the mirror. Was that admiration I saw on his reflection? I had said the right thing. _

“Hey, Dom.” I was on my way to the zamboni but I spun around as soon as I hear that voice.

“Hey...” Don’t get too excited, Dominic. Act cool.

Everything happens too quickly, almost in a blur. 

Matt grabs my wrist forcefully and before I know we’re in the changing rooms, my back against the wall as he attacks my lips furiously and hungrily. _Back to the beginning_. Blissfully, I realise that he seems to be as desperate for my body as I am for his. Maybe the slight different is that I’m desperate for _him_ , not only for his body. Our hands are grabbing everywhere, hair, waist, wrists, shoulders, neck...

Abruptly, he breaks the kiss, and stares at me, his eyes as dark as olives both from desire and fury, I think. His hair is sticking up in all directions and his face is flushed and luscious.  “You. Fucking. Fool.” The pause is short though, it’s like he just wanted to make it clear and throw that in my head; I know more will come. After another irate but luscious kiss, very similar to the first one, he glares at me again. Though this time, his expression has softened slightly. “What the hell did you think you were doing?” He’s speaking through clenched teeth but he hasn’t let go of me, in fact I think he’s grabbing me even closer.

“I...” I’m out of breath so it’s even more difficult to express myself. And the way his eyes are boring so deeply into mine... “I was frustrated and I started rushing everything. It wasn’t very clever of me...” I just had to add that _at the time_ , but luckily he doesn’t pick on it.

“You’re damn right it wasn’t!” This anger seems positive somehow. If he didn’t care at all he wouldn’t be acting like this, he wouldn’t even bother with me.

For a moment, silence falls upon us and the only thing we can hear is our breaths. His hands are clutching my shoulders as mine rest on his waist but he’s not looking at me anymore. His eyes are cast down and he’s frowning. Perhaps he didn’t plan this, maybe he didn’t even want to do this, to get involved with a crazy and needy person like me again.

“I missed you, Matt.” I dare to say. He doesn’t answer me back, like I predicted, but there’s a small involuntary nod. I don’t think he planned that either, it was subconscious but it is almost capable of making me beam with joy.

“You ruined it.” He murmurs, making my face fall.

“Wha-What?”

“We had so much fun together and you ruined it.” He hasn’t moved an inch which makes me feel a tiny bit of hope.

“Matt, we... we can go back if you want. I won’t do it twice; that scene, I mean.”I still refuse to say the same _mistake_ , because I still believe I had my reasons and I couldn’t control how I felt, even though I was a fool indeed. Time has passed and I believe I won’t be as irrational if he gives me a second chance. Maybe one day, with patience, I can conquer his heart. “No more pressure... Just like on the beginning.”

“How do I know that?” He finally looks up at me. His eyes are not as dark anymore, they’re blue and beautiful but they’re challenging me. 

“Give me a chance.”


	19. Chapter seventeen

When I started playing tennis with Scotty, I never thought it would become my favourite way of relieving accumulated stress. At the beginning I was terrible at it, it was comical actually because I got so tired after just a few minutes and I had to take a break frequently or I would faint. The process of getting used to it was short though, possibly because I used to practise sports back in Devon and my muscles were just asleep, but they were there. After about five weeks since that first match with my mate, I can say I’m pretty good at it. I mean, I’m no Andre Agassi but I don’t have to be anyway.

However, it is still able to make me feel exhausted in the end, but I don’t care, as long as it helps me ease the stress I’m feeling at the moment. 

The Uni year is coming to an end, which means stress and exams. Luckily, since I sorted out my issues with Matt, it’s been easier to concentrate. But still... I lost too much time before, too many minutes that turned into hours staring at the books; just staring, not studying. I’ve been working myself rotten lately and except for some classes that I still have, tennis and work, I barely get out of my room.

I like to believe that it’s because of this frenzy that things with Matt are pretty much the same. By the same I mean they’re just the same as they were before the fight we had at his place. In the beginning, when he decided to give me a second chance, he was still unsure and acting strange around me. To my despair, he seemed even more closed and private than he used to be. But as the days passed that changed, as three weeks passed, he seemed to start forgetting about that selfish scene I made at his apartment and let us go back _there_.

Well, I _think_ there even was a little bit of evolution. This could be just my mind choosing to believe what it wants to believe but, last week, his mother called him and, contrary to what he used to do when he received a phone call from a family member, he didn’t walk away. He chatted with her right in front of me, in his kitchen as we were having breakfast. The conversation was pretty simple and it wasn’t long at all; from what I could realise, his mother simply wanted to check if he was alright and how skating was going. But still...it was a first.

Of course I didn’t push his buttons and didn’t talk about it when he hung up, but I felt myself smiling on the inside.

“The shower is mine!” Scotty exclaims as soon as we walk through our front door. I groan in frustration and fall hard on the couch. I hate to feel sweaty and smelly but unfortunately I’ll have to wait.

“Don’t you stay there for long, singing and wasting hot water!” I demand.

“Yes, sir.” He jokes, and retreats to his bedroom to pick up a towel and clean clothes.

The moment I close my eyes, the doorbell rings. I groan and ignore it, turning on my side. Whoever it is doesn’t give up though, and the third ring makes me get up from the couch unwillingly and make the small walk to the front door.

“What took you so long?” Matt’s presence and voice take me by surprise and I have to shake my head and rub my eyes to believe that it’s really him. “And the good manners of this house’s inhabitants are still the same since the last time I was here.”

“Wha-what?” I frown, still finding it hard to believe that he’s truly at my door, knowing that he will probably have to face my friends if he comes in. “What are you doing here?” 

He chuckles, shaking his head. “You’re not going to invite me in?” At that, I step back and to the side and he walks past me and into the apartment. I close the door behind us still frowning. “You smell rather bad.”

“I was playing tennis. But what are you doing here, then?”

“I just passed by to see if you’re up to eating something with me.”

“You mean dinner?”

He checks his watch, “It’s almost seven in the evening so yeah, I guess you could classify it under the word dinner.”

I can’t help but chuckle at him and he smiles back. He’s inviting me for dinner... But, well we already had _dinner_ together, before going to his place to, well, basically to fuck. However, I can’t do that tonight because I will have an exam the day after tomorrow and I’ve barely started studying for it. So, knowing what he means by ‘eat something’ I will have to let him down this time, as much as I hate to do it. I’m about to tell him that when Scotty’s voice rips through the air and he appears in the room.

“Where the fuck is my green sweater?” He asks as he makes his appearance, holding a pair of jeans in his hands, but he stops in his tracks when he notices I’m not alone. “Oh, hi!”

Surprisingly, Matt smiles at him and returns the greeting as I eye him suspiciously. “Hey! You must be...” a pause. I won’t help him, he should remember. “Scotty. I’m Matt.” I open my eyes wider at this.

They shake hands which makes me open my mouth in surprise. What the hell is this? Why isn’t Matt making up an excuse to leave, or making Scotty feel uncomfortable or, I don’t know, creating a heavy atmosphere? 

“Nice to meet you.” Scotty says politely. “Sorry about my ‘grand entrance’ but I really need that sweater...” He chuckles scratching his head.

Matt chuckles and actually replies to him “Don’t worry. I understand you too well...” I mean, not only he replies but he does it in a friendly way. 

“I haven’t seen it.” I say quickly, hoping that he will get out before Matt stops acting this nice.

“Yeah... Well, I guess I’ll take another one then.” He shrugs. He’s going out with his girlfriend, Lilly, and he wanted to take that piece of clothing she offered him last week. I really hope he didn’t lose it or she will be truly pissed off. “Make yourself at home, Matt.”

“Cheers.”

When I’m sure Scotty is inside the bathroom, probably looking incredulous I turn my full attention back to Matt. Anyway, he just smirks at me and shrugs. If I didn’t know him I’d say he looks innocent even... But I know better. “What was that?”

“What?” He’s also trying to sound innocent. 

Sighing, I shake my head, deciding to change the subject. I know this is a battle I can’t win, he will tease me to death if he wants to. “Never mind. Anyway, about that dinner, I’m sorry, I have to study tonight.” It hurts to let him down, not only because I know he won’t be impressed but also because I wanted to be with him too. So much...

“And I have to sleep.” He shrugs and looks at me as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I have to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow.”

Now, I don’t understand a thing. We never get together when he has to wake up so early. “So...”

“So... Even though you have to study and I have to sleep, we still need to eat something, don’t you think?” He asks as if he’s saying nothing out of the ordinary.  I’m starting to wonder if this is a joke... “What do you say?”

Despite being taken aback by what he’s proposing, I still manage to be able to speak coherently. I guess I’m really getting used to him... “Dinner and that’s it?”

“Yep. Sorry to disappoint you.” There’s a teasing tone on his voice, and I know he just adores the little innuendo he’s creating. And he’s loving the fact that I’m confused and that I was not expecting something like this at all!

“It’s not disappointment!” What did I just say? “I mean, yeah, but that’s not what I mean.” Oh he’s loving this; that little self appreciative smirk is already plastered on his face... “I mean, whenever we-“

“Dom.”

“-go eat something-“

“Howard!”

“Yeah?”

“Stop being a fool.” Right... I’m overanalysing everything again. But no one can blame me! We’ve never done something like this and he never did anything that could make me believe that we would, at least not in a near future. “Just go take a shower, because I’m going nowhere with you in that state.”

“Haha, you’re so funny.” I say ironically. 

“Of course I am.”

In that moment, the sound of a key entering the door lock reaches our ears, and within a couple of seconds Adam is making his way through the living room. His eyebrows shoot up when he sees Matt. They know each other from Matt’s last sudden visit, months ago, but back then things were so different from what they are now. And Adam’s aware of that.

“Hey!” Adam doesn’t seem to be taking this as well as Scotty did. That’s probably because they’re very different, despite both being great guys. Scotty is a nicer bloke, always smiling, always in a good mood (except in the early morning), athletic but often being called as ‘cute’ by many girls at Uni. Whenever he flashes a smile in their direction, his hazel eyes teasing behind the blond fringe, they just tend to do everything he wants. Adam’s not exactly like that. He’s outgoing too, but he’s not as smiley or well-humoured. In addition, he’s really stubborn and usually wants everything his way and it’s difficult to make him change his mind. That means that whenever there’s a fight among the three of us, usually it’s between me and him, and sometimes, on rare occasions, between Scotty and him. But overall we get along just fine.

“Hey Adam... You remember Matt, right?” The last time Matt was here, things didn’t go exactly well, from what I can remember. But I hope Adam puts that behind his back and doesn’t complicate things now... I can see that he’s not in a good mood, but it doesn’t have to be with the fact that Matt is here; it’s definitely something that happened before, with his girlfriend maybe.

“Sure.” He nods and extends his hand towards Matt who takes it with a small smile.

“Nice to see you again.” Matt says in a neutral tone. He already realised Adam is not as cheerful as Scotty. Not that he fears it, for sure...

Adam nods again and turns to me. “Is Scott around?”

“He’s in the shower.”

“Okay. I’m going to try to study something. See you around.” He says when he turns to Matt.

“See you.”

When he disappears I take a deep breath. “Okay... That could have been worse.”

“That was _lovely_.” I snort at his choice of words. “I’ll wait for you in the car, okay?” I nod appreciatively. It would definitely not be a good idea for him to be alone with those two. Especially with Adam in a foul mood.

When I walk him to the door I hear the sound of the bathroom door opening followed by Scotty’s steps. Luckily he’s quite quick when he wants to be. “Give me twenty minutes, okay?” I open the door and he nods. “And Matt?” I call before he turns around. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Stop being a dick, you know what. See you in a bit.” I chuckle. As soon as I close the door I hear Scotty’s laughter from behind me. Rolling my eyes I turn around.

“Awww Dommy has a proper date!” My cheeks are probably flushing but I know I can’t escape this now. He will tease me for as long as he wants and I know there’s nothing I can do about it.

“Shush!”

“Oh no, don’t ‘shush’ me!”

“I have to hurry up, so get out of my sight.” I joke and he only laughs harder.

“Nervous, are we?”

“It is _not_ a date!” I practically shout when I reach my bedroom and start looking for some nice clothes to wear. Right, not a date. He just wants some company and, well, I like to think that we’re friends in a way, even though this is an uncommon kind of friendship, no doubt. So, this is a friendly dinner. With Matthew Bellamy.

Right.

“Make sure you’ll wear something nice, Dommy.” Scotty teases on the other side of the door. I can’t help but chuckle this time. He’s certainly finding the situation hilarious.

*

Contrary to what I was expecting, this time we don’t go to a fast food or self service establishment. This is a true restaurant! I mean, not like those I say gentleman taking the ladies on the movies, I wouldn’t want that either it would be too weird, even for me. This is a small, probably family business, far from the crowded London’s centre but quite full nonetheless. 

It seems pretty cosy and the fact that Matt brought me here it starting to make me feel so fucking good. We didn’t share a kiss or any other kind of affection on the way here. Instead of that we talked about the most trivial subjects like music and cinema, like proper and regular friends. Surprisingly I felt totally relaxed like this... 

“How did you find this place?”

“I have my own ways.” We get out of the car and walk inside the small building side by side. 

Once we got inside, I took a look around with a small smile. It was exactly like I thought it would be, small but cosy. “This is nice...” I murmured. When I look back at Matt, he’s already sitting down at a table, without even telling me to do the same of course...I sigh and take a seat in front of him anyway.

We don’t even have time to make ourselves comfortable before a waitress is by our side, with a wide smile as she places one menu in front of each of us. We thank her and she retreats so we can analyse what they have. The options are quite simple, no weird dishes, just the usual things, many of them my mother cooks perfectly and even I can cook them at home. Even the drinks, it’s not like I understand much about wine, but here they seem to have only the typical red or white wine, not too expensive or anything. I can’t help but notice how clever this was of Matt. This is not the typical self-service restaurant we go to before we surrender to each other’s desires at his place, but this is not a top restaurant either, far from that actually. This is a restaurant where two male friends can perfectly go to...

I prefer it this way too. And it is something _very_ different for us to do.

“Have you made up your mind?” He asks as he places the menu back down.

“I guess I’ll just go for the steak...”

The waitress comes back and Matt orders grilled fish for him and the steak for me, along with two cokes. 

“My father found this place, not me.” Typically, he answers my questions ages after I ask them. That is _if_ he answers them. “He was driving around one day and it caught his attention.”

“So have you been here before?”

“Yeah, and the food is really good.” I smile and tell my mind to shut up and stop torturing me with questions about who he brought here in the past. 

“Good! Because I’m starved... I didn’t have time to eat anything after the match.”

“Talking about your recent tennis love, who won?” He asks mischievously, his eyebrows shooting up.

“I’m still not good enough to beat Scotty. The guy has played since his middle teens, what did you expect?”

Matt snorts shaking his head. “I only asked you who won! There’s no need to get all defensive.” He almost looks innocent after saying that. Almost.

“Anyway, last week there were two guys at the court and they challenged us for a match two against two. We kicked. Their. Arses.” I announce proudly. I can’t believe I haven’t told him this yet... I remembered that as soon as we finished, the first thing that crossed my mind was telling Matt. I don’t know why, maybe because I thought he would appreciate my sudden competitive mood. Even though he can be competitive enough for us both when it comes to his skating...  

“I bet Scotty did most of the work and you just watched and then you just boasted yourself in the end.” He teases.

By this point, I know better than feel insulted by a comment like this. “You’re _so_ wrong.”

“Sure...” He shrugs nonchalantly. 

*

When we arrive at my place, I still find myself smiling at what just happened. I mean... for the common human being it was nothing much... it could be even be disappointing because it was really quick and all. It’s not even 10 and I’m already in front of my flat. Matt doesn’t even turn off the engine of the car, telling me that he’s not planning on staying here for longer than it is necessary. 

But despite all this, this small and simple get together, this unusual invitation is making my insides beam with joy. I’m trying to stay calm because I’m perfectly aware that it could mean nothing. But still, everything was so new and we really had fun. There was no promise of a night of intense pleasure ahead of us and still we had a great time. Or at least I did. And I think I can say that I’m 90% sure that Matt liked this little dinner too.

“Thanks, Matt.” I smile and open the car’s door. He smiles back and nods. There’s no indication that he will kiss me or anything so I just get out of the car.

I can’t help but smile wider when I’m sure he’s not watching my face and I start walking towards the building’s door.

This better be the beginning of something.


	20. Chapter eighteen

“Matt...” His name escapes my mouth as a moan, but that’s not what I meant. I was trying to catch his attention to tell him something. However, he’s too distracted with my neck to comprehend what I meant. “Matt, listen...”

 

There’s a groan of frustration but at least he leans back to look at me, his head pressed against the wall. We’re on our _break_ in the changing rooms, grabbing the opportunity since we’re alone here. He just finished his practise but I still have work to do, though when he winked at me, minutes ago, and made his way to this familiar room, I knew there was no way I’d be able to resist. Not that I wanted to, anyway.

 

“What, Howard?” His tone is full of annoyance, but I don’t really care. If I paid attention to every time he sounded annoyed... His hands are still wrapped around my waist, gripping the skin underneath my shirt and mine are on his shoulder and neck.

 

“You know I’m going home in two weeks, right? When the exams are over...” His expression tells me that he hadn’t really thought about it until now.

 

“Yeah, that makes sense.” He mumbles and leans forward, trying to catch my lips. I snap back a little though, there’s still something I need to say.

 

“I’d like to see you in the meantime, you know?” I admit, looking down. “I mean, I’ll only be back in September.” I look back at him, waiting for an answer that will hopefully be positive.

 

“We’ll see what can be arranged when the time comes.” He simply states and leans forward again. This time I let him kiss me and kiss him back, knowing perfectly well that this is the only answer he will give me. At least he didn’t say no, and it looked like it was something he wanted as well. Of course I could be wrong...

 

We make out for a few more minutes until I realise that really have to go, before someone starts looking out for one of us. Sometimes I wonder how we’ve been managing to hide this thing so successfully. Well, at least I think we have but sometimes I wonder if we’ve ever been caught without knowing... I've never noticed anyone throwing me a knowing glance or anything so probably not, but...who knows?

 

“Wait for me in the bar?” I ask before we reach the door, referring to the rink’s little bar upstairs. Even though he has practice tomorrow we decided to go to that small restaurant we went to last week. The past week has been nuts and I’m sure the next two will be just as crazy. Dividing my time between exams, Matt and work was never meant to be easy, but I never thought it would be this hard. Luckily, Mrs. McCarthy understands my situation and she already told me that I can stay home to study whenever I need.

 

Matt nods in answer to my question and pecks my lips before disappearing. I smile to myself and wait a few seconds before getting out myself.

 

*

 

“Arrogant little...” Someone mutters under his breath on the way out of the bar. Well, that someone is Mr. Kent... I know he’s not very fond of Matt and the way he said those words immediately makes me think of him. What is he up to now? I know Mr. Kent won’t ever do anything against Matt, as much as he dislikes him, because the guy is what keeps this place in motion.  It’s thanks to him that they can say that one of the best figure skaters in Europe, well, in the World, practises here.

 

When I enter the bar, I realise what caused that muttering.

 

There’s a new guy working here, I didn’t catch his name yet because he’s only been around for a couple of days. In my opinion, he’s a student like me and, also like me, he’s not from London. I’d say he’s about eighteen and he’s currently on his first year at Uni and even though that year is coming to an end, he still finds it difficult to live in the big city. The doubts, fears and insecurities are so easy to read in his face and his posture. Maybe he had a job before this one but lost it because of some reason I don’t know, and of course, I’m just assuming things here.

 

Anyway, back to the current situation, the one that matters.

 

“You used a rotten orange!” Matt hisses at him. Poor guy... he doesn’t know what he got himself into.

 

“I already said I’m sorry... I didn’t know it was rotten.” He mutters, looking at the floor. Isabella rushes to the table in question and tries to ease the situation.

 

“Well you should! That’s part of your silly job, isn’t it?”

 

Somehow I can see myself in that boy... I just hope he can find a way to get out of that shell like I’m finding one to get out of mine. Looking back at my strange affair with Matt, I can see how much it helped me go through some of my monsters. The commitment, well, lack of it, question is a different one and that’s not what I meant. It’s just that being with him was the reason I came out in the first place and that helped me in so many ways... It was a weight taken off of my shoulders. And, as my friends tell me, I act more confident nowadays.

 

What happened a few weeks ago, the distance, it did hurt a big deal, but even if he didn’t want me back I already felt like it had been worth it. Not only because I had shagged the guy I had desired for months but also because of what that did to my self esteem.

 

Isabella is clearly not able to help which means I should probably interfere. That will certainly seem strange to others, but poor guy, he doesn’t deserve this.

 

“He doesn’t live inside the oranges, Matthew!” I can’t help but chuckle at Isabella’s choice of words. For my own relief, the bar is almost empty.

 

“Incompetents!” Matt continues hissing as he gets up from the table just when I reach it.

 

“Hey... Everything alright?”

 

“Quite a dumb question, Dominic.” Matt continues with the bad mood even towards me as he picks up his bag from the floor. “Can’t you come up with something better?” And now he’s throwing his frustration in my direction.

 

I look at the boy and he’s still facing the floor, probably wanting to be swallowed by it.

 

“Matthew’s juice didn’t taste good; apparently the orange was rotten but it’s not Jake’s fault.” So Jake it is. “He already offered him a new one.”

 

“As if a new one could erase this disgusting flavour...” Matt snorts. With that, he simply shrugs and starts walking away. What a nerve... I stare at him until he disappears and then turn to the other two who seem to be completely taken aback, especially Jake because this was probably his first real contact with Matt. I believe he’s considering leaving this job before he arranges some serious problems.

 

“This guy doesn’t exist...” Isabella mumbles collecting the infamous juice from the table. “If I was Mrs. McCarthy I’d have a serious conversation with him. Just because he’s the _golden boy_ he has no right to treat people this way.” The words come just above a whisper but I got them perfectly. And I know she’s right.

 

I sigh and prepare to try to ease the heavy atmosphere. I don’t know why I’m doing this for that bastard but somehow I feel the need to.

 

“He’s under a lot of stress.” Isabella gives me that look that makes me cringe and gulp, pinning me with her gaze until I have to look away. “Well... I know that’s no excuse-“

 

“Damn right it isn’t!” She turns her furious gaze towards the door Matt has walked through “Maledetto!” She mutters under her breath. When she calms down, she looks at Jake warmly and places a hand on his shoulder. “You did nothing wrong.” She says in a smooth voice.

 

Jake nods, obviously still unsure and that’s when I feel the need to talk. “Yeah, Isabella’s right.” He looks at me with a small frown. “Just forget what he said... It was nothing personal; he’s a very difficult person until you get to know him better.” Oops. I think I just said a bit more than I should have.

 

Isabella snorts. “Yeah right...” I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding when I realise that she didn’t pick up on the true meaning behind my words. “I’d tell him about the _silly job_ if I could...” She scoffs. “And you know the worst part? I thought I had seen some change in him lately, I mean he did that great programme at Worlds and I thought he was overwhelmed by that... But now he just did this.”

 

“I know...” I sigh scratching the back of my neck. “Well, I need to get going...” Jake is still feeling completely out of place. “By the way I’m Dominic, but you can call me Dom.” He smiles and shakes my hand.

 

“Nice to meet you.” He says politely.

 

“Try and forget about this...” I try to sound reassuring. I know too damn well what it is to be the victim of Matt’s tantrums and in my case I believe it was even worse due to the enormous crush I had on him for months. I still remember too well how I felt when he treated me like shit after I found him and Isabella making out. And when I brought his cell phone to him... In a way all these happenings seem so distant...

 

“I’ll try.”

 

“Dom,” Isabella calls and I turn back to her. “You’re a great guy and it’s okay that you’re friends with him, you’re a good influence, but... Don’t let that bastard change you.”

 

I merely nod with a last smile and turn around to leave. So far the changes he provoked in me were not negative in the slightest. And there’s so much more to Matt than this arrogance most people know, they wouldn’t believe. I’m still discovering him, and he’s a box full of surprises, even though he keeps some characteristic lines of his personality, those that define him. And for those I’m thankful, even though I didn’t want to admit that in the beginning. But I believe I’m unwrapping him slowly (well, _very_ slowly in fact), even though I think that he will always be able to surprise me, if he wants to.

 

Of course, there was no excuse for what he did to that boy. He had no right to treat him like that, especially when he knew perfectly well that Jake is new here and is not used to his strange mood. I plan to tell him something about that matter.

 

Like I expected, Matt is already in the car waiting for me. Something tells me that he knows I have something to tell him about the scene he just made in the bar. That means he knows he was being a prick.

 

When I get next to the car, I tap on the window and Matt unlocks the door so I can get in. He doesn’t say a word and I don’t really know how to start this either. I opt for a direct approach. “Why did you do that to the poor guy?”

 

“He was acting like a spoiled little brat.”

 

At that I turn to him, my eyebrows shooting up in surprise. “You mean _he_ was acting like a spoiled little- Matthew!”

 

“What?” He turns to me, fury colouring his features. “You’re not my mother, you know? You don’t get to tell me what to do or how to act around other people.”

 

My heart starts pounding at those words, but this time reason is completely on my side. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. If I lose my temper we might try to kill each other. “The guy is new here, he’s getting used to the place, do you know what that means?”

 

This time he laughs ironically and sits back. “I know perfectly well, Dominic. You have no idea.”

 

“I have no idea about what?” He starts the engine, trying to silence me from whatever I may say or ask. “Whatever. That doesn’t give you the right to be a twat to people who did nothing wrong. Especially defenceless people like Jake.”

 

“Oh you got his name.”

 

“You should apologize.” He just snorts and starts driving. I’m in no mood to have dinner with him now, and I have the feeling he sensed that. He’s probably going to take me home. “Seriously, Matt, you can’t do that! You were not on a bad mood or anything... What made you act that way?”

 

Stopping at a red light, he turns to me, his expression slightly softened. “He got on my nerves the second I laid my eyes on him. Don’t ask me why, he just did. I’m sure it already happened to you.”

 

Yes, maybe it did. “That gives you no right to treat him that way.”

 

“And what are you? The defender of the oppressed?”

 

I take another deep calming breath when the light turns green and Matt faces the road again. “I’m just telling you my opinion. And I know that deep down you agree with me.”

 

“I am not going to apologize, Dominic.”

 

“So you admit what you did was wrong?”

 

The car stops again and I notice we’re in front of my flat. Right, no dinner. This is for the best, I think. “I don’t admit a thing.”

 

“As you wish.”

 

“My wish is your command.” He says just as I’m about to open the door. I turn back to him and I can’t help but chuckle.

 

“Usually people say ‘Your wish is my command.’”I tease, but his smirk only widens at my expectable remark.

 

“We’re everything but usual, Dom.” And that’s probably the only wise and completely true thing he said since we got into the car. However, I’m still up to make him pay for what he did. He needs to know that he can’t have anything and anyone at his feet.

 

“You’re right.” I nod. “See you tomorrow.”

 

*

 

After having a quick dinner at home, I retreat to my bedroom to study for the next exam. I can’t wait until they’re over, but at the same time, the end of the exams means going home, which means leaving Matt behind. I didn’t want to insist on this question earlier today, but I sincerely hope we can see each other during those two months.

For an entire hour, I’m able to concentrate and actually feel like I’m memorizing most things. In fact, lately I’ve been able to do that. It’s frightening to think about this control that figure skater has over me. When we were on bad terms, I read a line and forgot it immediately; now that things are going well, or as well as they can be considering this is Matt I’m referring to, I’m actually able to study normally.

I decided to take a small break and walk to the kitchen to pick up a glass of water. When I return to my bedroom, my cell phone starts ringing. I pick it up from my bedside table and smirk at the name flashing on the screen. Apparently someone has been missing me. The simple thought makes me snigger.

I press it to my ear, but say nothing. I know it’s not necessary anyway.

“Still, oh so mad at me?” Matt’s teasing voice makes me smile, but I need to stay serious. 

“Absolutely. Isn’t it a bit late for you to call people? Shouldn’t you be resting?”

He sighs dramatically. “I appreciate your concern, but I think I have a heavy conscience... I can’t sleep.” Now at this I can’t resist and finally let out the laugh I was holding. “Do you think it’s funny?”

“Very...” And it is indeed funny. I know he’s just teasing and there’s definitely something else in his mind. “So, why did you decide to call me?”

“I need you to punish me so I can sleep in peace with my conscience.” 

My mind fails to take that information completely in. “Wha-what?” I gasp.

I soft laugh reaches my right ear. “That’s right. I need punishment, don’t I? I was such a bad person today... Such a... what was it? Maledetto?” I lick my lips at that. Is he really asking for phone sex or something? And if he is, shouldn’t I deny it? But who am I to deny him anything... “So, Dom... What would you do if you were here? How would you... _punish_ me?” Fucking bastard. He knows I cannot resist this.

“I guess I could just hang up and turn off the phone.” I say after clearing my throat, despite its dry state. Of course I won’t be able to do that, even if I wanted.

A snort. “Come on, Howard. You can do better than that, I’m sure. Don’t disappoint me.” I sigh, my heart suddenly beating faster. This wasn’t supposed to happen, nor my sudden nervousness. I’ve fucked this man senseless in the past, I’ve seen him at his most vulnerable state and I’ve let him do the same or even more to me. Considering this, what I’m feeling now, over a phone call, makes no sense. “Let me inspire you then.”

I gulp and sit on my bed, my books suddenly forgotten on my desk. “Inspiration, you say?” 

“I’m lying on my bed, still wearing my boxers by the way, but I could say I’m completely defenceless here.” Oh fuck. He’s really up to it, he wasn’t bluffing or merely teasing me. “Are you going to say something? If it wasn’t for my heavy conscience I would have fallen asleep by now.”

Think Dominic, think of something! “I...” Come on, you can do this. It has to be something mean and hot at the same time, that’s what he’s expecting. This conscience thing is just a game. “I would tease you for hours... I wouldn’t let you come, though. I’d keep you on edge, I’d make you beg till you lost your voice.” I hear a small groan, which tells me that maybe I’m not doing such a bad job.

“How would you manage that?” He purrs, clearly wanting me to elaborate.

“I’d tie you to the bed.” Where did that come from? Well, he certainly enjoys the idea, or at least his deep groan says so. He already tied me to the bed once but I never had the guts to do the same to him. Maybe I will after this _conversation_ , on the next time we’re in his apartment. “Does that sound good to you?” He groans again, appreciatively.

“Very good...” I know that voice, that moan... I know what he’s doing.

“Matthew, are you touching yourself?”

“Yeah.”

“Then stop it!” I’m starting to like this. A lot! Especially since I’m supposed to be the dominant one. Well, it’s not the same on the phone but it’s... _different_ and interesting too.

“What?”

“Take your fucking hands off of your dick! Do as I say you bastard!” I hiss into the phone.

I don’t even have time to hear his reaction; instead I hear a knock on the door. “Dom, can I come in?” I groan in exasperation, but I know perfectly well that I can’t tell Scotty to go away without making it sound suspicious or weird.

“Hang on a second, don’t you dare moving an inch.” I say into the phone, my voice as low as possible, but not whispering. Reaching back, I grab a pillow and place it over my groin. After taking a deep breath I tell him to come in.

“I’m going nuts here!” He complains as soon as he opens the door. I just hope I’m not too flushed or blushing too hard.

“What’s up?”

“I’m going out with Lilly, I don’t know what to wear, what do you think?” He puts two shirts, a pair of shorts and a pair of trousers on my bed and stares down at me with hands on his waist.

I just look at the clothes as if I’m completely dumb. He just interrupted my very sexy phone call to ask me an opinion about what he should wear. “Scotty you’ve been with the girl for months... I think the part where you worry too much about what she will think about your clothes is safe on the past.”

He looks at me as if I had grown to heads. “Women always worry about this shit! Well, at least Lilly does, especially when we’re going to this fancy bar that opened just around the corner. She’s been nagging me for days.” Why isn’t he freaked out about the exams? And the same can be said about Lilly? Oh well... I have nights out too, I just spend them with Matt and not at fancy bars... “So...?”

“So what?” I take a tentative look at the cell phone in my hands, hoping that Matt is still there.

“What should I wear?”

“How should I know?!” I ask, now completely annoyed. Why can’t he see that I was in the middle of something? Well, considering that _something_ , I think it’s better this way, he doesn’t need to know.

“Aren’t gay men supposed to know a lot about fashion?” A weird silence falls between us until my hysterical laughter breaks it completely. “What’s so funny? It’s what everybody says!” Those words make me laugh even harder, my eyes watering as my chest starts hurting.

When I calm down, I wipe my eyes and turn to him, taking in his frustrated expression. “Seriously, Scott... Only you to come up with something like this.” I sigh, still smiling. “I fucking hate shopping, you know that! My mother had to make me go shopping with her and even now, Andrea has to drag me out or I would simply wear the same clothes over and over again.”

“That’s gross, Dom. Even I can do better than that.” 

“Well, maybe I would go alone in case of extreme necessity.” I admit, laughing softly now. I finally look at the two outfits he chose. “But if it’s a fancy bar I suggest you would take the trousers, and not the shorts.”

He smiles widely at that and picks the items from the bed. “You’re the best, Dommy. I knew you’d help.” And with that he walks out.

“That has nothing to do with fashion sense!” I shout after he disappears. When I’m sure he’s in his room, I get up and close the door as I press the phone to my ear again. “Matt? Still there?”

“You killed the mood.” A yawn follows that remark. Well, I should be expecting this.

“Sorry about that... Not my fault.” When he doesn’t answer, I start wondering if he fell asleep or something. “Matt?”

“Yeah, I’m here. But I can’t do this now... I’m knackered and it’s finally showing.” I know what he’s talking about. Matt is always like that. Even when he’s really tired he is normally able to keep up with anything, if it’s not too strong physically. But if he takes a small rest, even if it’s just for a couple of minutes, he just has to take that rest until the end. His body just starts falling asleep and there’s nothing his strong mind can do about it. Of course, when he’s completely fresh, everything works differently.

“That’s okay... Some other time then.” I don’t have the heart to tease him about his ‘heavy conscience’.

“Definitely.”


	21. Chapter nineteen

A weird noise, something my mind doesn’t immediately recognize, tries to pull me from my peaceful sleep. Groaning in frustration, I put my hand over my ear in an unsuccessful attempt to stop hearing the annoying sound. 

Too late, my mind has already drifted into consciousness, even though it’s still drowsy with sleep. Anyway, I’m perfectly aware of Matt’s movements by my side and the small sounds leaving his mouth as he reaches out for his cell phone. I refuse to open my tired eyes, even when his voice fills my ears. Well, he’s not talking to me so I could go back to sleep. But his smooth voice, still thick from sleep, keeps me awake.

“Hello? Hey Brandon... hm...” I believe Brandon is his brother. “I see... hm...” The conversation (if that can be called a conversation) follows just like that. Matt doesn’t talk much and I can’t figure out if it’s because it’s early in the morning or because of whatever his brother is telling him. Or maybe a mix of the two.

In an attempt to find out some more, I open my eyes and try to adjust them to the weak morning light and focus on his figure. He’s still lying on his side, contrary to me because I usually sleep on my stomach, cell phone pressed to his ear and hand covering his eyes, rubbing them with his fingers occasionally.

“Okay, I’ll talk to you again when I’m more awake. Bye.” He throws the phone onto the bed and sighs, taking his hand away from his face but his eyes remaining closed.

“Everything alright?” I ask in a husky voice, not really sure if he’s in the mood to talk or not.

He remains quiet until I think he’s going to ignore my question and possibly just go back to sleep. “My brother is going to get married.” He suddenly says, mere seconds after I close my eyes. “In August.”

For a moment, I consider what he just said, trying to find anything wrong about it. It reveals not to be easy, due to my sleepy state so I have to ask him further. “Is a bad thing?” I ask, opening my eyes again to find his bright blue orbs staring down at his hand as his long fingers play with the sheets.

“Not quite... It’s just weird.” I chuckle at that, hoping I’m not misunderstanding. I guess he’s just having a normal reaction, I would too if I had a brother that was going to get married so soon, but I can be misreading the signals. That’s a very plausible option when it comes to Matt. He turns to lie on his back as he stares at the ceiling. “My brother getting married... Who would think that would happen?” I know he’s talking to himself, but he’s just making me more and more intrigued...

“What does that mean? Did he have anything against marriage and suddenly changed his mind?”

His eyes don’t leave the ceiling above, but he answers anyway, seemingly distracted even as he speaks. “I just never thought he would be so stable so soon.” Now I don’t understand a thing. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to anyway. “Never mind...”

Turning back to me, he sighs and remains silent. I star chewing on my bottom lip, pondering whether I should try to make him talk more or not. What’s the worst that could happen? He wouldn’t throw me out or anything... He could sulk for a while and refuse to answer any question but that would pass. But I even doubt he would act like that now. “Matt?” His eyes shot up and bore into mine. “What are you on about?”

Silence again, but somehow I think he’s considering telling me at least. I wait... There’s no reason to rush anything now, I’ve come this far. “He’s always feeling down...saying that everything is his fault.” I have no idea what he means by _everything_. “You know that guy that works in the bar, the new guy, he reminds me of my brother.” Aha! That’s what made him act such a prick in a moment when he was in a good mood. Now I can understand... “Even physically.” He chuckles.

“So your brother is shy. That doesn’t mean he can’t find a good woman to marry...”

More silence. But it doesn’t last long. “You don’t know how I started skating, do you?”

“I know what people say... You started very young, here in London.” That’s what everybody knows, what’s on the internet, what journalists and commentators say when they’re talking about him during competitions and stuff like that. Though something tells me that’s not what he meant. I mean, it is, but suddenly I understand that there’s more to it... And it doesn’t seem simple.

Lying on his side, he turns to me again, and his eyes meet mine. He’s having a fight with himself, I can feel it. I guess he’s trying to decide whether we should continue talking about this or just change the subject. Or stop talking for good and continue what we were doing hours ago, before he fell asleep due to exhaustion.

“Do you know what age I had to learn how to live without my parents?”

That question catches me completely off of guard. It’s not difficult to relate it with the previous talk, even though there are many possibilities that I could start thinking about, many possible connections with the fact that he became a successful skater and maybe even with the fact that he and his siblings are not great friends. However, it was so sudden, so out of nowhere that I can’t find anything to say.

He waits for a little while and only continues when he’s sure that I have nothing to say. “I was thirteen.”

“Thirteen?” I repeat, somewhat confused. He couldn’t be living on his own at thirteen... That would be completely absurd and against human nature, even against the law! _Impossible_. “You weren’t-how could you...?

When I start muttering nonsense he rolls his eyes but lands them back on mine. “I wasn’t living on my own, Dom! You must still be asleep, if that even occurred to you.” A small sound of relief leaves my mouth. “I was living with Jane and her family.” Jane is Mrs. McCarthy. Now that he mentions it, I believe I already heard something about him living at her place at some point. I just had no idea he was so young when his parents had to leave to Cambridge.

“Of course...” I simply say.

“My father had to move back to his hometown, it doesn’t matter why, my siblings went along but my mother stayed behind with me. Jane convinced her that it would be a shame if I had to go to Cambridge and quit skating... In London there are much better training conditions, better coaches, facilities... If I left to my father’s hometown, the chances to keep skating and be what I am today would be diminutive. I may have the talent and potential, but that’s not everything. And my mother just knew how much I loved it and what it meant to me, even though I was a kid.” 

Holy fuck.

Maybe I’m still dreaming... He’s actually telling me something about him. And not just _something_ , this is his story, how he became what he is today. I had no idea this would happen now... I was starting to believe that we would never evolve, that we would stay like this until he got tired of me and moved on. But now he’s actually sharing! I’m even afraid to emit any kind of sound, because it might stop him.

“She had to go back after a while though...” I feel the need to reach out and caress his cheek, his arms, anything, because I can see how hard it is for him to talk about this, to revive those moments. I believe he hasn’t told this to many people. At some point this might do him good, to put this out, but it must be difficult or even terrifying. “Because of my brother.” Ah... So he feels guilty because Matt had to stay behind without his mother, living in a strange place... It makes a certain sense.

There’s still so much he’s not saying, I’m sure of it. But this already explains why he is the way he is, why he protects himself so much, why he _hides_. And of course, his persona... Living away from his family since such a young age, when he was barely a teenager, must have had its repercussions. I’m even surprised that he’s such a strong person, because he is in his own way. So fucking strong... I feel so small compared to this. How would I be if my parents had to leave me so soon. Well, leave is a strong word because I’m sure Matt’s parents followed his every step from a distance and visited him as much as they could. It must have been deadly difficult for them as well. But in the end I’m sure they did what they thought was best for their children, and today I guess Matt knows that too.

Unexpectedly, he climbs upon me, making me lay on my back as he straddles my hips and pushes the covers back, exposing my skin. His hands rest flatly on my chest as he stares down at me. I can’t help but get lost in his intense gaze. There’s so much more to know... But he’s not ready to let it all out, not yet, and, knowing how secretive he is, what he said was already a lot. 

Slowly, he leans down, painfully slowly, until his mouth is only a couple of inches from mine. I’m not sure how much time we stay like this. Closing the small distance, he pecks my lips, then the tip of my nose and leans back again. Before I can even register what is happening, he reaches out to his bedside table to grab a condom and the lube. 

No words are needed as he quickly unwraps the condom with the help of his teeth as one of his hands is reaching behind him, working to make me as hard as possible in the shortest period of time. As he does that, my breaths become irregular and my eyes leave his to travel down his body, taking in his tiny but muscular frame. I don’t get tired of looking at him, admiring him. Of course, my hands itch for him, to touch that skin, but I also love to feeling to be able to look, observe, _adore_.

By the moment I lift my hands to place them on his hips, he’s already coating me with lube. He’s in a rush, I can tell, but it doesn’t feel awkward or out of place, I know he needs this and I’m happy I can help and be here for him.

I can’t believe I’ll have to leave to Teignmouth tomorrow... I mean, it’s not like I _really_ have to, but I would feel bad about my parents if I didn’t go. Maybe once I’m there I won’t even think much about my life here in London, which usually happens, but now... now there’s Matt. How will I cope with his absence for so many weeks? Of course I can come here a couple of times but he will have to be the one to suggest. I already sent too many hints his way; I already admitted to him that I will go insane without his touch for such a long time.

His hands are back on my chest now, one of them slippery, the other dry, and I know that within moments we’ll be joined. He’s taking longer than usual though, and I start wondering if there’s anything wrong.

“There’s something about you...” He murmurs and I frown, wondering what he’s on about. “Why did I tell you all that?” I don’t answer because I know I don’t need to nor is he expecting me to. This is Matt talking to himself, it’s not the first time he does that. But what he just said was so... full of meaning to me. He didn’t plan on telling me those aspects of his life but somehow, and for a reason he doesn’t seem to know, he did, and it seems like it felt good to him.

As I feel the need to kiss him, I prop up on my elbows and lean up, waiting for him to capture my lips. He does without even hesitating and it makes me believe that we’re truly synchronized. 

When I feel like I can’t take it much longer, I lay back down, our eyes locking again. This meaning... it’s a first. And it sends shivers down my spine.

“Matt... Sit down on me, I-I need you now.” A grin appears on his face, a mischievous grin and I know the deep moment is over. Or maybe, stand-by is a better way to describe it, because it’s still there, I can feel it.

“Beg.” He growls, throwing his head back slightly as he moves down just a small bit, but enough to touch my hard member and make me groan both in pleasure and frustration because he moves back up quickly.

“Why are you so obsessed with this begging shit?” I complain, but I know that he will win in the end. “You want it as much as I do.”

“Beg.” He repeats, and does the same movement he did before.

“Fuck!” My fingers are gripping his waist; my knuckles must be white from the pressure. But I’m not pushing him down... I just need to grab that flesh. “I shouldn’t...you just want me to boost your ego even more, you bastard.”

“Fucking beg already, Howard! Or we’ll be here all morning.”

I take a deep breath and look into his eyes again. “Please... Please ride me, let me fuck you until you can’t feel your arse.” I purr. “Please let me feel your tight walls around me, gripping me...”

I believe he’s impressed with my small and truthful speech. Before I know, he takes me inside him, all at once; he sits down until we’re fully connected. I have to be strong to keep my eyes opened; I want and need to see him. Matt closes his eyes at the contact, his eyelids fluttering and mouth hanging open. His muscles are completely rigid and tense, and I love them that way...

A moment comes when I can’t take it any longer and my eyes close for a few seconds as the most variable sounds leave my mouth.

“It’s worth the begging shit, isn’t it?” Matt’s hoarse voice makes me open my eyes again, and as I do so, he lifts his body up before sliding down again, stronger and faster than before, but still, not as fast as it may get later on.

“Maybe”, I tease with a grin that quickly turns into a groan when he repeats the up and down movement.

“Do something, Howard.” In order to contribute to the rhythm, I grab his thighs to help him move and I thrust up myself. The needy and rushed atmosphere seems to be back but I welcome it. There are no more words shared between us and we simply surrender to the pleasure we’re feeling and let it run up and down our bodies.

When my eyes focus on his body, I notice that he’s stroking himself, so I immediately let one of my hands go off his hip to join his fist. He groans appreciatively and keeps moving up and down, faster and faster.

It’s not difficult to realise that we won’t last much longer... There are times when we’re actually able to make sex last for longer, make the initial slow moments last in order to try to create a stronger climax afterwards. But not this time... This time, even though we’ve barely started, we’re already about to explode.

Matt’s hisses and moans are getting to that point when I know he’s about to come, so I start moving my hands faster as his own leaves to press against my chest as he leans slightly forward. He gasps hard and I feel him contracting violently around me. I know I’m about to follow him and this time, unfortunately, I’m not even able to wait so I can see him coming and surrender to my needs just after I see that deliciously hot look on his face when he reaches the peak.

A strong shiver runs down my spine and I let my body set free inside Matt. My vision blurs and my head starts to spin. I know I’ll be away from the real world for a few minutes...

When I ‘come back’, the first thing my eyes capture is Matt’s dark hair as he rests his head upon my chest. He’s still breathing hard, like myself, so I just let him stay there, without bothering to say anything. However I can’t resist that mass of dark smooth hair so I lift my hand from the mattress and place it over his head, caressing his scalp and letting those beautiful strands run through my fingers. 

I’m not sure how much time we stay like that but after a while, Matt shifts and lifts his head, his tired eyes locking with mine once again. I can’t exactly decipher his expression... It’s something between a smile and a frown. Before I know, he’s reaching down to take the condom off of my dick to throw it to the nearby bin. This time, he doesn’t even bother to pick up some tissues to clean our bellies, he simply lies back down. 

Even though I can’t see his face, I feel him yawning against my skin, which makes me smile fondly. “Maybe you should sleep a bit more... I could do with a couple more hours too.” I say just above a whisper.

“Hum hum.” With that, he moves up a little, until his head is resting on my shoulder, his lips hovering over the side of my neck. He throws one arm across my chest, his hand slightly gripping my opposite shoulder. I gulp in surprise and look at his face, which is completely relaxed against my shoulder. I wish he would open his eyes so I could try to search for something there, something that would assure me that this is really happening.

Matt sighs, and the hot breath against my neck makes me shiver. Tentatively, I move my arm under him and cradle him closer to me. Is this really happening? I’m still taken aback and unable to sleep. My heart is pounding, refusing to slow down and accept this as a regular behaviour. At some point, I think I’m just waiting for the moment when he’ll turn away and wish me a good night. Well, good morning to be more precise.

But he doesn’t...

When I’m almost sure he’s asleep he clears his throat, catching my attention. Will he say something? Maybe something like this is just a onetime thing, so I won’t get used to it.

However, his words surprise me and I don’t exactly know how to react to them. 

“My brother was an alcoholic.” 

I don’t say a word back, he doesn’t want me too and he will probably wait a long time before he touches this subject again. I don’t mind though, and I respect that about him.

As my heart rate starts slowing down, I let my head turn to the side and rest upon his. My eyes close and I let Matt’s breathing movements soothe me as his skin caresses mine comfortingly.

I’ve never felt this good with anyone else. Ever.


	22. Chapter twenty

Home sweet home.

It feels good to feel the familiar scents, to see the familiar rooms and eat the fantastic food that only a mom knows how to do. All this feel incredibly overwhelming, especially during the first few days when there are so many new things to talk about and everything seems to be a surprise. Well, I visit my parents at least once a month during weekends but this is different. There’s no need to rush anything so I can just enjoy their company and also appreciate more this place. My home.

Of course this time there’s something different... This time I just can’t help but think about Matt during most of the time and I believe this is going to be harder as time goes by. I called him yesterday but he couldn’t talk for long, but it was good to at least listen to his voice. I’ve been in Devon for a week only, so it would be pretty pathetic if I told him something on the lines of ‘I really need to see you’, but, pathetic or not, that’s the truth.

My mother is suspicious but I haven’t told her anything. Yet. Because I know she will have a _nice_ talk with me as soon as she grabs a good opportunity. She keeps throwing certain smirks and miles on my direction whenever the conversation, with her or someone else, namely my father, is about my work at the rink. So, yeah, mother’s instincts are almost infallible. 

Sunday afternoon television can be so damn boring... Especially when watched alone because there’s nothing else to do. Sometimes I forget why we, young people, leave this place... Despite its beauty, its fresh air and the good memories most of us have, the city seems to appeal strongly and it’s hard to resist. There’s not enough stuff going on here. It’s great for vacations, a calm place, and perfect to have a nice rest, but to live here at full time... no, thank you. Well, for someone who never lived anywhere else, maybe it’s okay, because they don’t know what it is to be somewhere else. But I’m used to London, I got adapted to its crazy life and now everything here seems to move in slow motion. And of course, I’d miss the concerts, theatres and everything... I may not be very outgoing, but still, I’d miss it.

The sound of the front door opening catches my attention. It’s probably my mother returning from the supermarket. I get up to join her and help her put the groceries in their places.

“Hi darling! The supermarket was so full today! You wouldn’t believe...” She complains as I take some bags from her hands and follow her to the kitchen.

“Good thing I didn’t go, then.” For the next few minutes, we put everything in its place while sharing a nice light conversation. That is, until my mother decides to change the path a bit...

“It’s so good to see you like this, son.”

“Like what?” I ask nonchalantly as I put butter and cheese in the fridge.

“You’re... different.” She stops and turns to me and, of course, waits for me to do the same. “More laid back, more confident even...”

“Yeah... Well, I’m not a kid anymore. I guess it must be it.”

My mother shakes her head as she picks up a bag full of fruits from the counter to place said items on a plate on the table. “You know you can talk to me, Dom. If you want to, of course.”

I sigh and push back a chair to sit down. “There’s nothing much to talk about...” I shrug and she smiles down at me. Since I was a kid, my mother always had the habit to dispose the fruits in a decorating manner, and that’s what she’s doing now. To her, they’re like flowers with the difference that we can eat them.

“I never said there was _much_ to talk about. But I’m sure there’s enough.” My mother always knows how to get what she wants...

Scratching the side of my face, I realise I have no way out. But it always felt good to talk to my mother and I’m sure I’m not going to tell her anything new anyway. “Well... I’m with someone, that much you already realised yourself.” She simply nods, the corners of her lips turning into a knowing smile. “But it’s not official, it’s... pretty weird.” How do I explain something that I can’t totally understand myself? “We’re... well, we’re quite stable actually, at least I think we are now, but it’s not official.”

“Enlighten me, son. What does it mean to be official these days?” Err... Good question. 

“It means...” I stop there, frowning. What does it mean? And, in comparison, what does this thing I have with Matt means? It’s incredible to notice that I used to question it in so many ways, I doubted it so much but I never actually thought about it in these terms. “I don’t know...” It must be something on the lines of being stable, faithful and...in love maybe. So I don’t think we reached that stage, but will we ever reach it? Only time can tell. Recently, I haven’t thought much about what we are, where we stand... I can’t because I would end up freaking out again and that cannot happen.

“Okay let me help you. When I was your age, being official meant being engaged.” I cough at that, it’s almost funny. “Nowadays it doesn’t exactly work that way, does it?”

“No, not really.” And not just because I’m gay, I know many hetero couples that consider themselves _official_ (whatever that means) and have no intentions to get married. At least, not now.

“I guess the term ‘official’ is not the best one to classify any kind of relationship.” In our case it’s the lack of relationship but I get what she means. “Anyway, in another note, don’t you think it’s time for you to have a talk with your father?” I freeze at that. It is time, I know it, but I’m not ready yet. I don’t even know if he’s suspicious, my father knows how to hide things when he wants to, so I don’t know how difficult that conversation can get.

“I guess.” I mumble, not looking at her.

My mother takes a couple of steps in my direction and ruffles my hair affectionately. “It will be alright, son.”

*

“I can’t be away from the ice for two weeks!”

I can’t help but chuckle, already imagining Matt pouting. “You have to take some rest or you’ll start the season wrecked and you might get injured. Stop acting like a kid.”

This is Matt’s small pause before the hard work truly begins. New programs, new choreographies, new season... Everything starts again, and this time the Olympics will add an extra pressure. It’s every skater dream to be there and do their best; it’s the most important event. I seriously hope Matt doesn’t freak out, because his dream is ambitious, he wants to win the competition. He’s strong; he proved that many times, especially after that stomach flu, but just the name of the competition is enough to make some athletes tremble. 

I believe he will try some new elements and probably go for an even harder jump content, possibly a quadruple jump, even though that can result in one or more injuries. But I know he will try, we talked about it a few weeks ago and of course I did my best to encourage him. Even though a part of me is a little apprehensive (I know he’ll fall a lot in the process and he will feel frustrated for a while), I know he wants to do everything in his power to have an edge over his competitors at the Olympics, so I’ll do my best to be supportive. 

“It’s going to be so boring... It already is.” I’ve never heard anyone complaining about vacancies before. Unbelievable. He could pass out from exhaustion on the rink, he wouldn’t mind, as long as he could keep skating on the next day. “And I’m missing training time and then everything will have to be rushed.”

“Don’t be so melodramatic, Matt, you’re right on time...” There’s a long sigh on the other side and I wish I was there so we could have this talk face to face. I also need to try and be more understanding... “Feeling too anxious, aren’t you?”

“This place makes me anxious! Because I have nothing to do to distract myself and I can’t help but think that I should be in London instead so I’d be doing something useful.” I bite my lower lip in frustration because I can’t do anything to make him feel better. Not when we’re miles apart. 

“Having a little rest is _useful_ , Matt. And imagine how great it will be when you’re back in London feeling all refreshed and strong.” I try to sound encouraging and speak with an exited tone, but something tells me that he’s not buying it. Or maybe the problem is mine and I simply don’t know how to deal with this. 

“I feel more refreshed when I’m in London.” Something tells me that this is not just about skating. Sure that is still the biggest part, but his family dramas are most likely keeping him from having the rest he needs. I wonder if indeed he would feel much better if he didn’t go to Cambridge at all. “I spent all my life there.” Yes, family business indeed. From what I understood when we had that talk in his apartment, _things_ are alright with his brother nowadays, but the bruise will probably always be there. And maybe it’s more evident when he’s over there.

What do I tell him? “Try to relax...” Too cliché. “Go somewhere else, maybe to the beach or something.”

“In Cambridge?”

“You have money, you can go anywhere you want.” There’s a pause and for a moment I wonder if he’s hesitating because he has no one in mind to spend some time with in a proper beach or somewhere else he likes. I also wonder if he’s considering asking _me_. It doesn’t last long though.

“I’m not that much into the beach scene and hot weather...”

“Go to the Alps.”

“I was there last year.” I sigh, a broad smile on my face as I imagine Matt in the snow.  “Was fun but...”

“Okay Matt, I don’t know what else to suggest.”

“I never asked you to suggest anything.”

“Whatever.” I snort. “So, what are you up to?” I know he’s at home as well, and he will be there for the next three weeks unless he decides for a little escapade somewhere else. We didn’t talk more about his family after that morning; I know he will share more of it when he feels ready so I won’t pressure him. I’m dying to know more, especially about his reactions to that situation, how he felt when he was living with a family that wasn’t his own. And his sister is still quite a mystery too...

“I’m dying of boredom. Entertain me.” Entertain as in continue what we were doing that night before Scotty annoyingly interrupted us? 

“Maybe I have something to do rather than entertaining you. I have a life, even here in Teignmouth.” I challenge. I don’t want to give in that easily and I else want to be sure about what he wants.

“Which is even more lifeless than Cambridge. So whatever you have to do, _if_ you have something to do, you can cancel it.” I can almost see the smirk on his lips, which makes me grin. “So you can work on my behalf.”

I explode into a fit of laughter at that. Such a Matt thing to say. But I don’t want him to change, I guess I adapted myself to him, and even though it’s more difficult to see, he adapted to me as well. Almost imperceptibly, but he did. Of course he still acts like a prick around many people and I’d prefer he’d stop that, especially when those people did nothing wrong. But when he has reasons... that’s a different matter and I actually like to see him in action. 

Like on the other day when he were entering a café near his place. Distracted and clumsy as I am, especially around Matt, I hit someone with the door when we were making our way in.

_ “I’m so sorry sir!” I immediately said, standing by his side and hoping that everything was alright. “Are you hurt?” _

__

_ “Of course I’m hurt! Didn’t you see that I was here?” His tone was harsh and I could sense Matt tensing at my side. He seemed to be in his mid forties and with a normal appearance. I’d never thought that he would start something like that over such an innocent incident. _

__

_ The man wasn’t wrong though... The door hit him right in the forehead; it must have hurt like hell. But there was no blood or anything so he should be fine. However, he decided to try to make me feel terrible about it, even though I kept apologizing. “I’m sorry, really. Is there something I can do for you?”  _

__

_ Matt once told me that I’m too benevolent for my own good, in times like that one, I have to admit that he’s not as wrong as I thought he was. “I want you to get out of my sight, loser.” What the fuck...The man was probably having a horrible day, I’m sure I wasn’t the one who cause all that fuming and swearing, it incident was just an excuse, but I didn’t have to listen to those things... Not at all. In fact, I think I just froze in the spot, not knowing what to do but knowing perfectly well that if I said something back it would make everything worse. I was about to just ignore him and get inside when Matt showed his first sign of life. For a moment I think I had forgotten he was there. _

__

_ “Listen you crazy psycho, he said he’s sorry, didn’t he? What do you want? An ambulance? I can call one... I’m sure the doctors will laugh in your face.” He was already picking up the phone from his pocket and I was bracing myself for what was about to come. _

__

_ “I want you both to get the hell out of my sight.” I would. Gladly. But Matt seemed to have different ideas. _

__

_ “We were getting in, you were getting out, so I believe **you** have to get out of **our** sight.” The words came out calmly, a smirk colouring them. We already had an audience... I didn’t go back to that small establishment after that scene. Trying to ease the atmosphere, I smiled at a couple that was looking on our direction. _

__

_ “How old are you, boy?” The man challenged. He wasn’t going to give up; for some odd reason he seemed to just want to upset people. Well, upset is an understatement, Matt was furious by then. _

__

_ “So you think being older gives you the right to be a son of a-“ _

__

_ “Matt!” I was grabbing his arm trying to pull him away from the man before it was too late. Would Matt go into a physical fight? I didn’t want to see such a scene. “Let’s get out of here.” Instinctively, I put my free hand on his lower waist, trying to guide him outside. I didn’t have the nerve to actually take a seat in that place. _

__

_ We actually started walking out, Matt still glaring at the man, but, as we passed past him, I didn’t notice him looking down at my hand. “Faggots.” My body froze, and my mind probably did too. I thought Matt was problematic, but after that incident I realised just how stupid people can actually be without any reason. What have we done to him? _

__

_ Matt turned around completely, glaring at him, but that was some kind of amusement in his expression “Go. Fuck. Yourself.” He said very slowly. “Because I’m sure you can’t find anyone else to do it.”  _

__

_ With that, he turned around again and started walking towards his car. Still feeling quite taken aback, I followed him, not looking back, afraid that the man would come after us. He didn’t.   _

“What do you want to talk about?” I ask into the phone, smiling as I lay back on my bed.

He barely waits for me to finish my question. “Tell me something exciting.” 

“Like what?” I’m very determinant not to make this easy for him, even though I’m dying here. It would be so much better if he was right in front of me... But this is better than nothing. It was painful to leave after that day, after he opened up to me. It was ironic, actually. Sometimes I wonder if he chose that precise moment to tell me those aspects of his life because he knew I wouldn’t be nagging him on the next day. But deep down I don’t believe that. Matt can be a lot of things, possibly bad things, but he’s not a fake person or a hypocrite.

“What is your fantasy, Dom?” My smile grows wider. Luckily it’s a simple question, because I have an old fantasy that I never fulfilled. I’ve never talked about it with anyone else, by the way.

Strangely, I don’t feel unsure about telling him. “Masks.”

“Masks?” His voice comes out somewhat surprised but it’s almost a groan. Something tells me that he kind of approves my fantasy.

“Yes, masks. Black masks.”

“Like Zorro?” He teases and I can almost see his grin.

“No, no, much better than that. Bigger. They have to over the whole forehead, the nose and reach the middle cheeks.” I describe, my voice low, almost purring. I guess I’m trying to sound...sexy. I’m not sure if I’m succeeding though. “And they have to be porcelain masks.”

“Aren’t those too heavy?” He’s trying to sound funny and unaffected by my description, but by now I know better than that. I can picture his hands travelling down his chest, getting closer to his groin at every word I say.

“It’s a fantasy...” I sigh.

A small silence falls between us, but it doesn’t take long before Matt interrupts it. “That’s strange though...” His voice is low too, almost whispering; I can sense the pleasure by the way it sounds. “That coming from someone who loves to do it face to face. Someone who gets off by seeing my face when I come.” Right now I don’t want to discuss this small thing; it’s not just his face that makes me reach the peak, which even sounds a bit psychotic when he says it like that, it’s _everything_. Everything about him, everything I can feel, smell and _watch_. I believe he knows it, but he’s just being _Matt_ and trying to pick up on me.

“I guess I’m a box full of surprises.” I can hear him breathing harder now and that encourages me. “Are you touching yourself?”

“No, not yet.” I close my eyes, trying to create the most perfect and realist image of Matt laying on his bed, hand buried in his trousers. The image makes me lick my lips. I’m dying to kiss him, to kiss and lick his whole body.

“Then do it.” It’s supposed to be a command, but my voice comes out weaker than I intended. I’m not used to do something like this and I may as well suck at it. He doesn’t say anything about my nervous voice though. “Slowly, but do it.”

“Elaborate.” He moans. “Tell me what to do. I’m too horny to think.” Oh yes, he is. I can tell it by the way his voice sounds.

But what do I say? Again, I try to imagine him so I can hopefully feel inspired. “Are you naked already?” Maybe that wasn’t the best approach... In movies they usually ask something on the lines of ‘What are you wearing?”. I’m more straightforward, I guess, I’m not patient enough for fore playing on the phone. What’s the point of that anyway? We’re both horny as fuck. 

Matt laughs at that, but it’s a laugh very close to a moan. “So straight to the point, that’s the Dominic I need right now.” He murmurs pleasurably and I smile at that. “Give me a second.” It’s a bit more than a second, and my anxiety only makes it seem even longer. “Done.”

“Good boy,” I grin. “Now, feel my hands wrap around you, Matt. Just the way you like it.” I purr into the phone. Right now I don’t care if I sound sexy, or if my voice is a turn on to him, I’m getting desperate too.

“The way I like it?” He manages to make me talk more. I’m not sure if I can because I’m too wrapped up in my own need and I’m quite inexperienced in this. When Matt is with me, it’s completely different, sometimes I almost forget about what I want, but when the only thing I can hear is his voice it gets difficult. Sorry I can’t say that only his voice is able to make me concentrate on him, I’m being realistic here...

Of course, I’ll try to keep talking anyway, but I’m sure only short tenses will come out. Maybe next time I’ll know better. “Slow at first, very slow.” I gulp. Come on Dom, even you can do better than that. “You love it when I press my palm against your length and friction it up and down, that always makes your hips buck, it’s incredible.”

“Incredible?” Hs voice is high pitched, like I said the most unimaginable thing. “It feels fucking amazing!” I almost laugh at his defensive answer.

“I... I can’t speak. My mouth, my mouth is around your cock now.” I let out the cheeky comment and hear a whimper. He must be really needy... And so am I. Fuck, I don’t know what to say... I need to come!

“Bastard...” He pants. I can barely listen to him because my ears are practically refusing to concentrate on a phone, even though this is Matt on the other side. I’m not good at this; I need him, not just a distorted voice. Yes, this is not even his real voice, it always sounds different on the phone... However, it was still what turned me on the most.

He whispers something but I don’t quite catch it, that blurry phase is assaulting my senses and I know I’m too close. In the back of my mind, I hear Matt saying my name and that tells me that he’s in the same state. I don’t resist it, I simply let the warm, marvellous sensation run over me and take me to a higher place.

*

“Fuck... that was... good...” I breathe into the phone when I feel strong enough to do it.

Matt laughs weakly, probably at my choice of words. “Yeah... good. A poet wouldn’t express it any better.”

I ignore his remark and sigh contentedly. “I had never done this before.”

“That was easy to figure out.” He teases but I snort nonetheless.

“Cheers.” From what I could sense and hear, he enjoyed it so he’s simply teasing me, it doesn’t mean it was bad.

“Damn...” His voice goes deeper, the mocking tone leaving it making me wonder what his on about.

“What?”

“I need to see you.”


	23. Chapter twenty-one

It’s a bit difficult to explain what I’m feeling at the moment. I know I’m eager to finally see Matt, after almost a month apart, but at the same time I’m a bit afraid of his reaction. Maybe it’s silly and I’m just paranoid but I have the feeling that I should have told him I was coming. Instead of that, I chose to be all old fashioned and make it a surprise.

Matt’s back in London, he’s been for a couple of weeks, so I figured he would be at the rink at this time of the day. As I make my way into the building, I avoid the cafeteria, because I know Isabella won’t leave me alone until she finds out why I’m here on my vacation. Sometimes I wonder how long it will take her to start realising what Matt and I are really doing. Maybe she already has but she’s not willing to tell me or possibly she wants to be sure before she makes any kind of question. 

“Dominic!” Oh, Mrs McCarthy. Sometimes I also wonder how much she knows, not only about me and Matt but about his sexuality. After all she’s like a mother to him. Speaking of which, how much does his family know?! Argh! This is going to drive me insane if I think too much about it. “What are you doing here in August? Don’t you like vacation?” She’s in a good mood, all playful and sweet towards me. I mean, she’s always nice to me, to everybody in fact.

I chuckle while I try to find a decent explanation for my sudden appearance. “Yeah, well... I usually spend the two months in Teignmouth and it gets a bit boring...” She smiles and nods. “So I decided to come to London for a couple of days to see my friends and all...”

“I see... And I suppose you came here to see Matt as well.” I really hope I’m not blushing, that would be too embarrassing and a total give away. How much does she know?! Well, I’m sure everybody who pays a little attention has realised that we grew somewhat close, so maybe she simply made that comment because of that. If it’s something more maybe it’s because Matt told her and I can’t argue with that. On the contrary, if he actually did tell her, that would mean a lot about where we stand. However, she knows Matt pretty well so maybe she figured it all out herself.

“And the others.” I shrug. 

She grins and nods again. “Alright, Dominic, I won’t take more of your time.” After that, she wishes me a good trip back home and a good vacation. When she disappears, I let out the breath I was holding and turn around to walk towards the ice.

Unfortunately, Matt is not there. Damn it, I was hoping I could see him practising for a bit, but there’s no sign of him... Suddenly I spot him, getting out of the changing rooms and talking to James. I mean, James is talking animatedly while Matt simply nods once in a while, his bag slung over his shoulder. My stomach twitches at the sight of the skater, _my skater_ , after all these weeks and I can’t help the wide smile that reaches my lips. He looks so damn good, just out of the shower, hair still wet and skin still flushed due to the heat. How I wish I could run to him and take him furiously in my arms.

While they make their way up the stairs, I try to think about a good approach but nothing comes to my mind. If Matt was alone it would be different, but James’ presence complicates things. Though he seems nice, I haven’t talked with him much and I’m sure he will find my sudden visit too strange.

“I wish I could qualify and then skate well enough to qualify for the long program... Yeah, that would be nice.” James is probably talking about the Olympics. It’s curious to see how his ambitions are so different from Matt’s. Well, it’s not only a question of ambition, he’s being realistic. He knows that winning is way out of his league so his dream is only to be able to be there and be among the best twenty four so he can skate the long program. It’s perfectly understandable.

They walk past me but I take a few steps back, I don’t want them to see me right now, I don’t want to face James and his possible questions.

Damn it, they’re turning towards the cafeteria, I don’t want to go there. This is ridiculous... Why the hell am I hiding as if I committed a crime? I chuckle at myself and follow them, hoping to catch them before they are out of my sight. 

Luckily, when I turn around I realise that James has disappeared into the cafeteria, and Matt is looking at his cell phone, probably texting someone. Well, it seems like I’m a lucky bastard after all.

“Matt?” It comes out just above a whisper, my voice is weaker than I expected. 

He turns to me abruptly; wide eyes and mouth hanging open. “Wha-what are you doing here?” I can’t help but chuckle, his tone is soft and simply surprised. I can see that he doesn’t know what to say or do; I caught him completely off guard. Which is rare. “You’re supposed to be in Teignmouth.” 

“Hello to you, too.” This is easier for me because I planned it, I knew I’d find him here, but to him... I’m just glad he doesn’t seem to be taking it in a bad way. He’s just surprised or at least it seems so.

Finally, he looks around himself to make sure we’re alone. “What exactly are you doing here?” he whispers. I have the feeling that he’s fighting his inner needs as much as I am, but we both know we can’t do anything here.

“I decided to give it a try and start practising figure skating.” I joke. He frowns for a moment and then finally he grins, noticing how awkward he’s acting around _me_ of all people.

“Very funny.” He smiles. “But how come I didn’t see you there? How long have you been here?”

“Unfortunately I was just getting in when I saw you walking out of the changing rooms with James. I held back while you guys were making your way up the stairs because I didn’t know how he would react...” I shrug self consciously. “Then I realised that I was being pathetic.”

“Damn right you were! James is the most laid back person I know. He wouldn’t make you feel uncomfortable.” He starts giggling then, that irresistible giggle that always come along with either a dark or a silly thought. “You approached me and you’re afraid of James?”

I roll my eyes, feeling slightly irritated “I’m not afraid of him; I just wanted to avoid certain questions. You know what I mean.”

“Sure... Hang on a second, I’ll be right back.”

*

With a strong thud, I lay back down on the mattress, my mouth opened wide to suck in every possible bit of oxygen. People say that the best thing about being apart is the reunion and they’re totally right. It’s a bit silly because the reunion doesn’t count as being apart but - Yeah, you get me.

Matt lays by my side, on his back as well, motionless except for his panting. I’m not sure how much we stay in that position, recovering from what we just did. There was no time or patience for foreplay, so we immediately attacked each other the second we found ourselves alone. It was explosive and it felt so unbelievably amazing. Unfortunately, there will be no more ‘adventures’ tonight because he has practise tomorrow morning and the last thing I want is to get in the way of his skating. What we did was already too much considering that he won’t have much time for proper rest now.

But I couldn’t resist. _We_ couldn’t resist. By the way he was hungry for my body, the way he grabbed and squeezed every bit of skin he could find, I can believe that he wasn’t with anybody else since I left. I can’t deny that the thought haunted me for a while, but by know it’s really hard and painful to imagine Matt with another person. It was already hard when we weren’t involved, there was that tiny little jealousy, but that cannot compare to what I’d feel now if I found out that I had been replaced while I was away. I think that, after my outburst in his bathtub, during those weeks we were apart, he had to find someone to relieve his frustration, but I also have the feeling that it didn’t go so well.

“Holy fuck...” Matt murmurs by my side as he finally moves his arm to rest behind his head.

“Indeed.” I smile and turn to the side to look at him. He’s still facing the ceiling but there’s a little grin playing on his lips. “Relaxed, now?” He nods slightly and sighs. “Good.”

“The other day I was wondering if you’d come to London... I had the feeling you would.” 

Typical Matt. “Of course you wouldn’t be the one moving your arse to Teignmouth.” I chuckle.

“I’m not the one with lots of free time in this time of the year.” He defends himself. I know he’s right, but I just feel like teasing him.

“Would you go there if you were free?”

“Probably not.”

I smile, that was my point. “Thanks for the honesty.”

He turns to me then, finally making eye contact. “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you, Dom. I did, in my own way. But you were at your parents house-“

“I understand...” I smile. Just the fact that he wants to explain his answer means a lot and makes me feel all warm inside. “And I respect that. I agree it would be too awkward if you went to my place. Too awkward...” I chuckle at the image. Matt being a proper bo- a proper friend and appearing at my place. I don’t think it would go down that well... My mother would know exactly who he was and my father... Well, I believe that after our conversation he would figure it out.

“Do your parents know?” I frown at him, not exactly sure about what he’s asking. “That you’re into blokes, I mean.” I wasn’t expecting that question... Matt doesn’t share much about himself but he usually doesn’t ask me anything either. But that seems to be changing at last. 

I sigh “Yeah... My mother has known for a while, she found out herself. My father... I told him last week.”

“Outch. How did it go?” Good question. A week as passed and I still don’t know how to answer it.

“It was... weird.” He keeps piercing me with his gaze, wanting me to say more, and of course I can’t resist that. “He didn’t start shouting or anything, didn’t say I was no longer his son.” I chuckle and Matt laughs. “But he wasn’t friendly and supportive like my mother either. That’s the best way to describe it.” I shrug on a more serious tone. “I just hope that he will get used to it.”

Matt turns a bit to face the ceiling again “I see... It always takes them a bit to come around it. But eventually they do, unless they deny you from the beginning.”

I frown at his words, wondering if that was his case. I seriously hope not! He already has too much on his plate. “Is that what happened to you? They denied you?”

He starts chuckling and I relax a bit. “No... Not at all. I mean... There have been complications...” I’m not sure if he will continue or not. There’s a long pause until he finally speaks again. “I guess that leaving me behind to help Brandon ended up helping me somehow.” He looks back at me with a grin, “You see, my parents think they owe me something, so even if they didn’t like all my options they never did much against them. That’s why I had no problems rubbing in my family’s face that I’m gay or at least bisexual. That one I’m still figuring out.” He shrugs. That’s another topic we’ve never discussed, I was never sure if he made out with woman to pretend he was straight or because he likes to shag them too.

“Well, you’re lucky in a way.” I chuckle. “So they know...”

“They’ve known for a while... practically since _I_ knew.” He sighs. “And even though I know they’re not comfortable with it, they try not to show it. And they do a pretty good job of supporting me now.” I try to find any signs of sarcasm in his voice and face but I find none. He probably really feels that way about his parents. I can’t even imagine how difficult it must have been for him as a child to understand their actions, but I believe nowadays that seems to be mostly in the past. Mostly. There must be some wounds still here and there.

“Well, that’s a good thing.” I smile. He lays flatly on his back again and I wonder if this is my cue to leave. This is not our typical night. Matt has to wake up around six or seven in the morning, so he really needs to rest. Adam is still in the apartment, since he’s from London and has no desire to move back in with his parents whenever we have these breaks. I contacted him and asked if there would be a problem with me staying there. He said it was perfectly fine and he actually welcomed my presence. I could even feel the anxiety in his voice... Of course, the guy is not used to living alone and he just broke up with his girlfriend. That’s part of the reason why I chose to come to London now. The big part being Matt, for sure.

“Fuck, it’s late...” he murmurs as he takes a look at the clock. It’s only 10 pm, but it’s late for someone who has to wake up so early.

“I should leave then. You need to rest,” I say as I start getting up from the bed now that my muscles have some life back in them.

“Wait.” I look back to see Matt frowning at me. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“To my place...” Isn’t that obvious?

Matt laughs at my perplexed face. “You’re so thick sometimes, Howard!” He teases shaking his head. “Lay back down, right now.” His tone is something between playful and authoritarian. I chuckle and do as he says. “Sleep... It seems like you could do with some sleep, too.” 

I smile and turn on my stomach, my favourite position to sleep on. Matt lays on his side facing me, after putting the cover over us and closes his eyes with a sigh. “Good night.” He mumbles and yawns.

“Good night.” 

After a few seconds, I feel a hand lay on my back and squeeze a few times until its owner falls asleep.


	24. Chapter twenty-two

The smooth sound of Matt pacing around the bedroom slowly pulls me from my pleasant sleep. It takes a while for me to be conscious enough to open my eyes and concentrate on what’s around me but eventually I do. With a groan, I turn on my side to catch Matt sitting on the side of the bed, fully dressed, his back turned to me as he puts his trainers on.

“Morning,” I mumble and then yawn.

He glances back quickly before focusing on his task again. “Morning.” I take a look at the clock and my suspicions are confirmed. It’s very early... 6:45 in the morning. I don’t remember the last time I was up so early. Well, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night like everybody else, but it’s not to get out of bed and face the day.

“Why didn’t you wake me up a bit sooner?” I ask in a sleepy voice as I make an effort to sit up on the bed. Rubbing my eyes I yawn again. “You’re fully dressed, showered and all.” I say ruffling his humid hair.

“I was still debating whether to let you stay here or not.” He answers as he turns around to face me.

“Oh.” I wasn’t quite expecting that... I mean, he was thinking about letting me stay in this place on my own? That’s strange. “But...” I’m still too numb to know what to say, in fact, I don’t know if it would be any better if I was fully awake anyway.

“But now that you’ve opened your eyes, get up, and I’ll leave you at home on the way to the rink.”

“Hm. Can I get a shower?”

“Can you do it while I eat something or would you prefer to eat as well? There’s no time for both...” He could say something on the lines of _sorry, I should have woken you sooner so you wouldn’t have to rush_ or _go back to sleep_ but no... This is Matt after all. I ponder the two options for a few seconds and opt for a small breakfast. I’m starved and I’ll probably go back to sleep once I’m home so I can take a shower when I wake up again.

Matt is all fresh and awake, after all he fell asleep almost instantly last night, unlike me. I wasn’t sleepy at all because I’m used to staying up late so I took the time to observe him sleeping until I too succumbed to the world of dreams. It seems pretty lame and silly, I know, but I actually enjoyed the little changes in facial expression he went through while he was unconscious. His lips twitched a couple of times, his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down every time he swallowed.

We eat breakfast almost in silence. Only the occasional ‘can you pass me the sugar?’ or the ‘it tastes good’. Anyway, it’s not like the atmosphere is heavy, on the contrary we’re completely relaxed but I’m too sleepy and it’s too early for me to talk too much, and Matt seems to be enjoying the silence for once as well. Actually, this makes me think about how comfortable we actually feel right now, because silence is usually awkward unless you share it with someone that’s close to you.

When we’re done we make our way downstairs and into Matt’s car and I almost fall asleep during the short ride. “Dom, we’re here.”

“Huh?”

“What time do you wake up when you go to University?” He asks mockingly as I clumsily disentangle my seatbelt.

“Eight or nine o’clock, it depends... Sometimes at ten.” I answer groggily.

“Okay, that explains it.” He sighs. “Get out now, or I’ll be late and I’m never late!” He says checking the clock on the car screen in front of him.

“Always so nice, aren’t you?” I mutter, opening the door. “Will I see you later today?” I turn to him looking hopeful, one of my feet already on the ground.

“Maybe...” He smirks teasingly. I know he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him but he just wants to play hard to get. And he fucking knows that it’s too early for me to be able to argue so he’s just taking advantage of the situation. “I’ll call you if I can, okay?” If he can... He snorts and I shake my head, knowing that he _will_ call me at some point.

Almost numbly, I make my way to the elevator and then into the apartment. It’s all quiet but messy as always, even if only Adam is here at the time. Anyway, he’s still sleeping for sure and the best thing I can do right now is get some sleep myself.

*

My second wake up of the day reveals to be much easier but at the same time not quite as enjoyable since Matt is not in the room. However, I stretch out lazily and get out of the bed to finally get into the shower. It already noon, but since I have nothing to do, that’s not a problem. 

When I’m finally refreshed and feeling like a new person, I wander into the living room to see if Adam is around. I didn’t have the chance to talk to him properly, and I’m actually starting to feel somewhat bad about it because I know he’s going through a rough time. I was a bit selfish yesterday... I arrived here and barely spoke to him because I was so eager to finally see Matt. Adam is my friend since I got here so I should have been more considerate, but only now I see that. Yesterday I just wanted to get to the rink as soon as possible.

To my surprise, when I get to the living room I find not only Adam there but Andrea as well.

“Hey, guys!” I greet them but only Andrea smiles.

“Good _morning_ , Dommy!” She teases knowing that it’s past noon. “It’s very nice of you to join us!”

Adam snorts and only then I realise that there’s a strange atmosphere surrounding us. “Is everything okay?” Not the best question... In fact, it’s quite a dumb question, Matt would say so.

“Everything’s just like heaven.” Adam says sarcastically as he gets up from the couch and walks towards the kitchen.

The moment he disappears I frown at Andrea, asking for an explanation. “Oh come on Dom.” She sighs, but I still don’t get it. Is all this because I practically ignored him since I got here yesterday or is there something more? Something serious? My insecure nature is going to lead me to panic pretty soon if she stays silent for too long. “He found out Kate was cheating on him only last week...Give him a break.” Her voice is just above a whisper. I guess she doesn’t want him to listen, but knowing Adam, he’s probably listening anyway. “You didn’t go out with the guys last night and he’s a bit...you know.” She shrugs, her tone is not accusing at all, she understands what I did and Adam had other people to have fun with. 

“Adam has friends here in London... He has you and Gary, he has Kevin... He went out with them last night to some pub.” An inner voice tells me that maybe what Adam needs is not a pub right now, but a friend to talk to. But he’s a guy, for fucks sake... He’s not going to open up to me unless it’s really necessary and he doesn’t seem that desperate yet... If he feels like talking he’ll search for Andrea, not me.

“I know it must be difficult for you to stay away from Matt for so long, I... I understand your reasons but at the same time...” She takes a glance at the kitchen door before facing me again. “I’m worried about him... He’s really down and this is not like Adam.” It’s natural that she’s worried, her feminine, almost maternal instincts fire in these occasions, but he doesn’t seem that bad to me... In a way I think he actually saw it coming, the breakup and the cheating, I mean.

“I know... But there’s not that much I can do.” I sigh. “I’ll take him out for a drink tonight if that makes you both happy.” Well, I had other plans but... whatever.

Andrea shrugs and looks at the kitchen door again. “He already drank enough last night.” She chuckles. “Anyway, I just wanted to ask you to keep an eye on him while you’re around, that’s all. And if you want, take him to a football match, or anything else he likes, just... He needs to take him mind off of Kate.”

In that moment Adam comes back into the living room and glares at me for a second before tearing his menacing eyes away. “Don’t you have some place else to be?”

“No, actually I don’t.” I shrug and chuckle. There’s no need to make a big deal out of this and I know he’s just picking on me. I remember Scotty moaning that he had lost a drink partner when Adam started dating. It’s quite the same actually. “And I’m here now...” I gulp as Matt’s words in the car ring in my head. He’s going to call me later today and I’m afraid I’ll have to say not to him and I hate to do that. And tomorrow is his day off...

“Oh you can go back to your lover boy, I’m fine.” 

“Oh shut up, Adam. Don’t be such a kid!” 

 “Don’t be difficult, okay?” Andrea interrupts getting up from the couch. Neither of us wants to act like he’s a poor little boy who need so much comfort. We need to deal with this in a positive way, when he feels like talking, he will, but right now we just need to bring the old Adam back. “Why don’t we go out tonight?” Andrea suggests. Even though this means I won’t spend the night with Matt, I agree. Actually I’m kind of looking forward to spending time with my friends. I missed them too, of course. “The four of us, I mean.” She adds looking at me. I didn’t quite catch what she meant. Scotty is in Northern Ireland so- “Is Matt free tonight?”

“Wha-what?”

“Is he?” Adam frowns at her, not believing what she is proposing.

“Yeah, but-“

“Then it’s settled.” She claps her hands and smiles at us both. I exchange a nervous glance with Adam, but she doesn’t let it affect her mood. “What’s the matter, Dom? You’ve been shagging for ages and I want to meet him since the guys already did.”

“Andrea!” Adam glares at her. I think he didn’t need the image of me and Matt shagging.

“Come on, call him.” This is going to be a disaster...

“He... He’s probably busy now.” I mutter, but I know it’s not true.

“He’s probably having lunch!” Andrea corrects me and I know there’s no way out. With a sigh I pick up my cell phone from my pocket and gulp. “Don’t be ridiculous Dom, just do it already!”

I don’t feel like having two pairs of eyes staring at me while I talk to him so I retreat to my bedroom. This is going to be just beautiful... Why did she have to think of this now?! 

“Missing me already?” Matt’s mocking voice reaches my ear.

 I gulp, trying to find the best way to ask him. But my mind doesn’t cooperate...“Not the point.” I mutter. A little silence takes place as Matt waits for me to get to the point. Okay, just say it, Dominic. “What do you think about going out with me and my friends tonight?” I ask very quickly and for a moment I’m afraid he didn’t catch all the words. “Just Adam and Andrea.” I add. “And it was Andrea’s idea by the way.” I wait for what seems like an eternity.

“Okay, why not?” Oh well... It seems like he just agreed. For a moment I wish he hadn’t.

“So... you’re okay with it?” I mumble still hoping that he will say he can’t, or he doesn’t feel like it or something. But maybe he’s doing to piss me off! He knows I don’t want to...

“Yeah, of course! Where and when?”

*

“You already know Adam, and Andrea is a lovely person, very talkative, very nice so you should be fine. Adam is in a bit of a foul mood but-“

“Dom!”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you so nervous?” He has a point there... Matt seems completely relaxed, and I know I should be too because these are my friends, but I know that it can turn into a catastrophe due to Adam’s mood. “You’re acting like you’re going to introduce me to a bunch of terrorists...” He chuckles and it’s contagious. How can he be so calm when I’m not? I guess he’s very used to deal with nerves and pressure so this is nothing to him. “And by the way, I already met Adam.”

“But he was still happy with his girlfriend back then.”

The club is a quiet one, especially in comparison to those loud, big places. It’s just a small bar where people come to hang out with friends and have a drink while sharing a nice conversation. I like this place as I’m not a fan of the overcrowded ones.

When we walk in, I notice Andrea waving discreetly at us while Adam stands by her side, his curious eyes watching us.

“Hey guys!” I try to sound as laid back and casual as possible. “Adam you already know Matt.” They nod and shake hands briefly. “And this is-“

“Andrea. Nice to meet you.” He smiles at her and she grins.

“Likewise.” If I didn’t know better I’d be worried about these two. Anyway, it’s not Andrea that worries me of course, it’s Adam. I really hope he behaves.

And I hope Matt behaves too.

In order to start a conversation and avoid awkward moments, Andrea starts talking about skating and of course Matt doesn’t mind that at all. 

“If you don’t feel like talking about it now please say so, I understand!” She adds in case he’s tired of the subject and wants to just forget about it and have fun for the night but he says that it’s fine. It’s his passion and he could g on about it for hours but at the same time I feel like he should take his mind off of it once in a while. Especially when he’s going out for the night and he’s supposed to have fun. 

“I can bore you to death with skating talk so _you_ tell me when you want to change the subject.” She grins and nods.

“I have to admit I don’t watch it that much nowadays... Sometimes I do, I watched a lot of the World Championship, great long program by the way!” I wait for Matt to wince at that or look down but he doesn’t, he simply nods and she continues. “But when I was a child it was practically a ritual to watch every competition with my grandmother.”

“Everyone watched figure skating with the grandmother at some point.” Adam finally says something. He’s been quiet but at least he’s not being rude or anything. 

“Yeah, which is great!” Andrea beams. I should say something, but I’m a bit dumbfounded at the moment. “I love childhood memories.” Please don’t go there, Andrea... I close my eyes for a short moment trying to find a way to change the subject.

“I guess it’s the music, the artistry and magic that gets so much to children and older people... Adults just tend to not get much into it. They always have stuff to do instead of being in front of the television watching some losers jumping around on the ice.” Matt laughs. Where did this come from? I frown at him but he ignores me, probably feeling very satisfied with himself.

“I had never thought about it, but you’re certainly right.” Andrea nods. “And the music... it must be so difficult to choose the right one! I’d take hours to do it...”

“Sometimes I think it’s the most difficult part, choosing the right music.”

“And Across the Stars was so great...” I try to participate in the conversation.

“Yeah it was perfect!” Andrea agrees. I wonder if Adam, a true Star Wars fan, will have something to say.

“Choose the Imperial March next time.” Touché. Thank you Adam.

Matt chuckles, “And I’d dress up as Darth Vader, with the red light sabre and all...” He pretends to think. “That sounds good!” Adam grins and takes another sip of his drink. Some skaters already did something similar, but I know Matt won’t skate something related to Star Wars again. Change is good. “Though the mask could get a bit on the way...” Matt ponders stroking his chin.

“Yeah I guess...” Adam agrees. “Anyway, Across the Stars is probably the best thing that came out of that bloody prequel.” Oh yeah... I had forgotten how much Adam hated that second film. He liked the third one but he usually complains nonstop at the other two. “Fucking great song, John Williams is a true genius.”

“You used to say Natalie Portman wasn’t so bad to look at.” I shrug in Adam’s direction.

“Oh yeah... her presence saved the film too, especially the second one. She’s so fucking hot. And that angelical face... Delicious.”

“Okay Adam, we get it!” Andrea rolls her eyes. “But tell me, Matt, what is it like to travel so much around the world, and be known and that stuff. Dom says you have a lot of fans.” 

“Well, I’m not a celebrity.” He shrugs with a grin. “Luckily figure skating is not like football so I’m not recognized when I’m walking around the street, just the occasional autograph here and there. Except when we’re talking about fans that go to competitions to watch or go to the airport or something... Those are the fans Dom talks about, the ones that are truly into the sport. But in everyday’s life it’s pretty normal, I guess.” I’m still wondering what got into him to act so talkative. Maybe Andrea really has a way with people or maybe he’s in a very, _very_ good mood.

“I see... Well, I imagine it must be great... I mean you’re our age and you’ve seen the world!”

“Yeah that part is really fantastic. But... you guys are also lucky; you’re experiencing University and all.”

“Hm...” Adam interrupts. “Travelling around the world,” he lifts up one hand in the air, palm directed upwards, “or having to study until the mind goes rotten,” he lifts the other hand and pretends to think. “I guess the travelling part wins.” He shrugs.

Before Matt says something that could turn this into a less light conversation I interfere. “It’s not just travelling, Adam. You have no idea how much work, how much time they need to get to this phase when they qualify and go to big competitions. You can do this,” I gesture to the table, the drinks, the bar itself, “three, four times a week. They can do once if they’re lucky.”

“When you put it like that...” Adam eyes his drink.

Matt smiles at me and turns to Adam, “It just takes a lot of love for what you do to be able to take this life... It’s not easy but I wouldn’t trade it for any other life, now.”

“Of course you wouldn’t!” Andrea exclaims. “You’re the pride of British figure skating right now _and_ one of the top sportsman of the country. If there’ wasn’t for those football nerds I’m sure you’d be much more recognized.

“Hey! Don’t attack football, okay?” Adam cuts in, his inner Arsenal fan erupting.

Andrea rolls her eyes and turns to Matt again. “He knows what I mean.”

After a little more bickering between Adam and Andrea about football and being close minded when it comes to other sports, Matt excuses himself to go to the loo. The moment he disappears Andrea beams at me. “He’s gorgeous, Dom! Much better live than on TV. Why does he have to be gay?” She murmurs. I can’t help but smile and look at my drink self-consciously. “And he’s very nice... You were always complaining about his personality...”

I chuckle “Oh believe me, he’s usually not like this. I mean...” It’s not easy to explain Matt’s personality and even I don’t fully understand it, which is kind of exciting in a way. “He _is_ funny, clever and even nice but... It depends on the person he’s with and also on the circumstances, I guess. He’s complex, you see, it’s hard to explain. And he’s very unpredictable sometimes.”

“Forget it, you don’t need to explain.” She grins and takes a sip of her drink. “What do you think, Adam?”

“He’s seems like a normal bloke to me, I don’t see what the fuss is all about.” He shrugs and I roll my eyes. But when I focus on him again I see a small smile. “But he’s alright... And he seems to care about you, or he wouldn’t be here.”

Care about me? I mean, yeah, I know he cares but... Others notice it? I feel overwhelmed by what Adam just said and I believe that’s irradiating from my body.

“Thanks, Adam.” In that moment, Matt gets back from the loo and says that he should be going because he’s tired after being on the rink for hours. I’m not sure about what to do now... Should I go with him? Well, why not? There’s certainly nothing stopping me.

“It was really nice to meet you, Matt. I hope we have the opportunity to do this more times.” Andrea says with a huge smile that reaches her brown eyes.

“I guess that could be arranged once in a while.”

“Good!”

After our final goodbyes, I smile meaningful at both of them for what they did. It was such a step forward and I was so afraid and for nothing. They went along well, even if Adam wasn’t at his best.

As I make my way out, following Matt close behind, I can’t hide the huge grin on my face.


	25. Chapter twenty-three

Being back in London for good feels like heaven. During the last couple of moths I only came back here three times: that first time when the four of us went out together, then I came back just after Matt’s brother’s wedding to see how he was doing (he didn’t want to talk much about it), and then I returned a couple of weeks ago to bring some clothes and other stuff in beforehand. I hate to travel by train with too much luggage so it was a good idea indeed.

Just before I left home two days ago, my father called me to give me a hug. It has not been difficult to be around him since my confession, but then he came to me... I had tears in my eyes because I had been waiting for it for so long... We never really stopped talking or anything, but there was always a heavy atmosphere during meals and stuff, but after that hug...I felt accepted.

After attending some classes at Uni, I walked my way to the rink to get some work done, praying that Mr. Kent would call me to his office because I really need to see Matt skating. It’s been a while since I had the opportunity to do so and I seriously miss it. I also want to see his new programs and I’m dying to know what music he’s going to skate to. I know he’ll keep it a secret for as long as possible, but I will find out eventually, after all I do work here!

Luckily, Matt is practising when I arrive. Checking my watch I notice that I still have a few minutes before I have to get to work so I sit down and watch allowing my body and feel to feel intoxicated by his skating. 

However, and to my despair, today is not one of his best days... He’s training a quadruple jump, he’s alone at the moment, but he still doesn’t execute it the way he wants to. He has excellent technique and I can see he’s rotating the jump in the air in most of the attempts but he still falls quite a lot and I know it’s mixing up with his head. I mean, he needs to feel confident enough to be able to try it at the Olympics, which means he’ll have to start doing it as easily as he does all the triples. Of course that takes time, but how to put that in Matt’s head? He’s almost obsessed with the jump and even though this is only the beginning of September he says his time is running out.

I believe that when he’s on the ice he doesn’t feel nervous, or at least not as nervous as when he leaves, that’s when he starts rambling about still having so much to do and sometimes stressing out about it. It doesn’t happen every day, of course, he’s generally quite clinical about it, but once in a while anxiety really gets to him. And I predict that today is one of those days.

When the practising session ends, he makes the way to the changing rooms with a defeated expression. Crap, I’ve never seen him like this before... Usually he seems angry with himself, he curses for a while, hits the ice with his fist and then everything is fine. But now... well, he seems sad actually.

I stay in the same spot until he disappears from my sight and only then I practically run down the stairs to get to him. Right now I don’t really care if someone sees me following him into the changing rooms of all places. I have a feeling some people already suspect that something is going on between us... They’re just afraid to ask.

When I get there, I see Matt sitting down, elbows on his knees as his hands support his head. I don’t think he notices me; he seems too concentrated on what went wrong just a few minutes ago. Right now, I can’t help but feel a wave of tenderness towards this man washing through me. I want to hug the life out of him right now.  But that’s not the best option so I opt for another approach.

“Matt?” Yeah, call him softly is the best right now. Any other kind of approach could make him tell me to fuck off. Even though we’re closer now, and he rarely has his tantrums over me, when he’s anxious I know I have to expect anything, from a loud yell to a small whimper. He doesn’t move so I call him again, a bit louder this time. “Matt?” Another step towards him and he finally looks up at me.

“What?” His tone is neither smooth nor angry, it’s _weird_ , sad, which worries me.

“I was upstairs watching you and decided to come down to see how you’re doing.” He looks down again, at his hands, and a little chuckle escapes his mouth. I close the distance between us and crouch down in front of him, still not touching. “I’ll risk the dumb question. Are you alright?”

At least he grins. “Not really.” This is definitely not good. Why isn’t he cursing, or hitting the walls or yelling at me? At least that would be like Matt... He’d put it out and then move on. He seems to be in the brink of tears and suddenly, I can see the little boy that had to live with a family he barely knew from such a young age.

“Is there something I can do?” I ask barely above a whisper as I rest a hand over his knee.

He doesn’t say a word for a long while and I think he’s debating something with himself. I’m not sure what it is but I have the feeling that it has to do with me too, and not only with his skating. When he finally speaks, my suspicions are confirmed. “Stay.”

My other hand rests on his other knee. “I’m here.” He nods, still looking down. “I know you’re probably sick of hearing this but you’re being too hard with yourself... Slow down.”

“Can’t...” He mutters.

“Well, then try harder!” He gives me _that_ look and I gulp but don’t give up on my point. “You may not see it but you’re doing well... Everyone says so.” I know it’s not working and, thinking better about this, maybe this particular speech is not what he needs. Maybe he needs no words at all but I can’t help my rambling. “My eyes may be biased when it comes to you, but I don’t think that’s the case when it comes to your coach.”

A long sigh. “Shut up, Dom. Just stay here but shut up.” Okay, that’s more like it! If his tone was a bit rougher I knew I’d have no more reasons to worry but he still didn’t sound like himself, even when he said that.

I kneel on the floor, my bum resting over my heels, and place my arms over his legs, my hand occasionally caressing his knee through his pants. I’m not sure for how long we stay like this and I guess I kind of forget that I have work to do and someone may be looking for me. It doesn’t matter though. As long as he needs me I’ll stay.

After a while he seems calmer and more like himself. Maybe he just needed a few minutes and, apparently, I helped too or he wouldn’t ask me to stay here. “Only Jane has seen me like this, so... if you talk to anyone about this... I’ll kill you.” I chuckle and squeeze his knee. “With those blades!” He adds pointing to his skates that are lying on the floor. I chuckle harder and shake my head. “And... thanks.” He murmurs.

“You’re welcome.” Keeping the eye contact, I lean my head up and wait for his lips to find mine. Fortunately he’s not on the mood to make me wait so his mouth crushes over mine in a matter of a few seconds. The kiss reveals to be slow and intense, not rushed at all like the ones we usually share in this place, when the possibility of being caught seems so be always present in our minds, making adrenaline shoot through our bodies. No, this is different. His velvet tongue caresses the inside of my mouth almost tenderly and for a moment I wish he was just a tiny bit rougher, because I seem to be the only one getting desperate. Grabbing the sides of his waist forcefully, I try to kiss him harder, but he slows me down by putting his hands on either side of my neck, guiding my movements, slowing it down again. This is when I realise that this kiss is what he needs. Not the tender words, not the jokes, but this kiss.

When we pull back, Matt stares at me with a small grin plastered across his swollen lips, making him look even more delicious. “You...” He starts, tapping my chin with his index finger and then running it across my lower lip. “You kind of keep me sane, you know?”

What?

Did I really hear that or is my mind playing games with me? He smiles and runs a hand through my hair, letting his fingers slide through it. “Your hair is so soft.” Okay... How can he fucking start talking about my hair when he just said _that_?

“Matt-“

“Shush.” He pecks my lips quickly and stands up, grabbing my arm to get me on my feet as well. “You have work to do.” Right... Does he regret what he said? Doesn’t look like it, because he seems pretty amused with himself, but then why is he changing the subject like this?

Suddenly, we both hear James’ voices from the outside of the changing room, probably talking on the phone and I automatically take a couple of steps back.

“Okay, bye.” James puts his phone on his pocket as he passes through the door. “Hey!” He doesn’t seem too surprised by my presence which makes me wonder if he knows... Well, Matt doesn’t seem worried about it at all, so why should I be? “Did you guys hear about the small show Jane is organizing here?” Oh yeah... I heard something about it, in fact. Mrs. McCarthy wants to organize a show here at the club, with our skaters, even the kids. It’s a way to promote this place and also a great opportunity for them, especially the kids, to skate in front of an audience, since some of them never did. Even for the seniors it is somewhat important because it’s been a while since they had a public, even if it is a small one and there’s no competition. And of course, it’s always a good opportunity to test new programs.

“Yeah, I know, it’s scheduled for October the 3rd, it’s a Saturday night.” He says as he takes some shower items out of his locker. “Though, unfortunately, I don’t have much time for that...”

“Oh, come on Matt. It’s not like you have to practise a new program for that or anything, I mean, it’s not like you have to practise anything at all for it if you don’t want to... And I think it will be great. Don’t you miss the audience and the fans?” James wriggles his eyebrows and Matt chuckles shaking his head.

“I never said I didn’t, James. And I supported Jane on this; I think it’s great for the club.” Indeed it’s not something that will occupy that much time and he doesn’t even have to travel. “I was just saying that I wish I had the opportunity to be more participative and help organizing stuff.” James nods with a smile noticing that he had misunderstood the meaning behind Matt’s words.

Eventually, I realise that I shouldn’t be here for two reasons. Firstly, even though James seems to be okay with me sharing this conversation, this is not exactly where I belong, and secondly, I need to clean the ice before he gets ready. In fact, it should be cleaned already so I quickly excuse myself and get out.

When I’m outside, I feel myself smiling at the thought of the show. I’ve never seen Matt skating in a show or a competition live. How great will that be? And then of course...what he said just a few minutes ago keeps replaying in my head.

I keep him sane.

*

“Are you kidding me?!” Andrea’s face is about to break in two due to the huge grin crossing it. “I can go to an ice show and for free?” I nod for the third time. “I love you, Dom!” She throws her tiny arms around me and I just laugh along, feeling pretty happy with myself for being the cause of her contentment. I mean, the true cause is the fact that she will go with me to the show Mrs. McCarthy is organizing, since I’ve been given two tickets to the event that will take place next month.

It will be something more dedicated to kids, so they know what it is to skate in front of people they’ve never seen before, but of course the seniors will make an appearance too, Matt being the star. However, it’s more difficult for them to put too much effort into it, but even though they’re busy, they still dedicate some time to the show when it’s necessary. After all, they’re representing the place that made them turn into what they are today, which is quite meaningful for them.

“Thanks for thinking of me for that spare ticket, Dom.” She says sometime later as we make our way home from the University. There are no classes during the afternoon and since Scotty has none either we’re going to play tennis before I have to go to work.

“Well... That’s only because there’s no one else, I mean-“ Her hand hits my arm playfully. “Kidding. Even though I’d love to take my mother...”

“I know... And Matt, how is he doing?”

 “Considering this small show? Andie, I don’t think he will spend much time practising for it...”

“It’s not like he needs to...” She shrugs. “I’m just happy that I’ll get the chance to see him in action...competition or not.” She smiles and I nod, resisting the urge to tease her with a comment like _be careful, he’s taken_. Well, but he’s not really _taken_ anyway, is he? “But I was referring to the Olympics and the other competitions...”

I shrug. “He’s managing to hang on and keep on practising. He’s used to pressure by now.” It’s true, though this season, that pressure is stronger than ever before. Aside from his own expectations, there are expectations from the British Federation, the fans, the media...

But he’s Matthew Bellamy, he’ll make it.

*

“Come on Dominic! Move your fucking hands faster!”

“Do something yourself!” I moan, throwing my head back as his right hand finally joins mine, working furiously on our erections. He’s straddling my thighs, his other hand gripping my shoulder almost painfully as my back rests against the headboard of his bed.

His teeth find my extra sensitive neck, making me hump my hips forward, our cocks rubbing together with even more friction. I swear he wants to leave a mark on the base of my neck, because the way his attacking that skin spot is almost painful. I mean, I’m sure it would be very painful if I wasn’t this aroused and so close to my reaching orgasm.

When he finally lets go of my neck, his lips crush over mine, devouring my entire mouth. It’s nothing like that soft kiss we shared two days ago in the changing room. This is desperate, needy and so fucking strong and passionate and _everything_. The hand that was on my shoulder is nor gripping my hair and I welcome it. How I love it when he grips my hair, it’s almost masochist on my part.

In a quick movement, I put a hand on his lower back and push his forward, our most sensitive parts bumping together, sliding more closely now, chests almost touching. With a loud groan, Matt throws his head back, exposing that delicious neck to me. We’re not even having proper sex but it drives us insane nonetheless.

My vision is becoming a blur and I rest my forehead against his collarbones, breathing becoming more and more erratic as we keep bumping and sliding against each other.

“Dom-Dom,” I hear Matt’s voice in a throaty murmur. “What are you doing to me?”

Doing an effort to hang on a few more seconds, I lift my head and look up into his face, taking in his flushed cheeks, dark eyes and sweaty skin, hair plastered to his forehead. We stay like that for a moment, his lips hovering over mine, until we kiss again, as passionately as before. The kiss only culminates when we peak, me first, Matt following close behind. There’s no dirty talk, or any talk at all this time, at least until we recover. There’s not really much to say, anyway. I think we both can feel how powerful it was and we didn’t even have sex. I mean, in my opinion we had, sex and penetration are not synonyms to me.

I’m not sure how long it takes until our muscles are able to move again and our breathings return to normal, but, eventually, I sense Matt turning on his side and I do the same myself.

“I landed the quad twice, today.”

I snort, even though my chest is still heavy. “I could feel hurt by that remark, you know?” He frowns, looking almost innocent and oblivious. “I mean, we just had _that_ and the first thing you tell me is that you landed the quad.”

“Twice.”

“Twice.” I repeat with a grin. I reach out to place my hand on his sweaty hair, letting my fingers run through it absentmindedly. He smiles and closes his eyes. I can feel his tiredness irradiating from him. I’ll make sure he has a good rest tomorrow (really, I will, no sex) and I’ll do my best to try to take his mind off of skating. He’s becoming too focused for my liking, which worries me.

Before I surrender to sleep myself, I move closer to him, curling up at his side as I let his breathing lull me.


	26. Chapter twenty-four

Some people say I’m a bit of a nerd when it comes to my studies. And they’re not that wrong because we’re still in September and I already feel the need to read my textbook to be able to keep up with some subjects. Who does that so early, when there are no exams on the horizon yet? Me. It may sound crazy but I just feel like this is my obligation and it doesn’t really bother me most of the time. I really do like what I do.

The doorbell rings but I don’t really bother; Scotty’s in the living room doing nothing so he can open the door. And it’s probably someone to see him anyway. That’s until I hear a familiar voice.

Matt?

What is he doing here? I mean, yeah he’s been here before, but...

He knocks on the door making me stop thinking. However, typical Matt, he doesn’t wait for my permission and before I know it he’s already inside, closing the door behind him. “Hey!” He greets me, like this, him visiting me at my place, is a habit. “Are you okay? You seem a bit... shocked.”

Indeed, I think I’m frowning at him, completely surprised by his actions and his mood. “A bit, yeah.” Then I chuckle and look down. “What are you doing here?” I immediately ask.

“Manners, Howard. So many months have passed and you haven’t even worked on that yet.” He smirks, raising his eyebrows. After this remark, the other times that he’s come to this place pass through my head. There was that first time, when he appeared completely out of nowhere, saying that he had nothing else to do so he decided to stop by, as simple as that. Then he returned, months later, after our fight, saying that he wanted to have dinner with me, as friends. Then there was one time when he was bringing me home from his place and accepted my invitation to come up so I could show him a book I had read and he had showed interest in reading too. And now here he is again, completely unexpected. It seems like that first time, but at the same time it’s so, so different.

“You’re the only person that ever complains about that.” I grin at him.

“And I’m certainly right.” He chuckles as he walks to my bed and sits down on it. “If I had a bunk just to myself I’d always sleep on the upper bed.”

“Until you got tired of it, believe me...” I snort. I used to sleep on the upper bed just for the fun of it, but then I stopped bothering and simply gave up on it. “So... did you come here for any particular reason or were you simply bored and this is another result of your impulsive nature?”

He sighs and looks around for a moment. “I wanted to see if you’re up for dinner, or something.” His eyes land on me again and a grin reaches his lips, that kind of grin that almost looks innocent, if I didn’t know better.

“Yeah, that sounds good.” I’m past the point to try and make it difficult for him. There’s no need anymore, he knows I love spending time with him and after all this time, I realised that I should stop hiding it and show him instead, so maybe one day he’ll realise what he does to me. That is, if he doesn’t know it already, because he seems to be able to read me pretty well. “But I have to finish reading this chapter, okay?”

“Sure...” He says and lies down on my bed. “I’m not hungry yet, anyway.” I nod with a smile and turn around to face the book so I can be done with it as soon as possible. How I am being able to resist Matt lying down on my bed and actually concentrate on my reading, I honestly don’t know. Well, I guess I’m not that concentrated, in fact, every movement Matt makes, every little sound leaving his lips, even if it’s just a deep breath, catches my attention and then I have to re-start the paragraph I was on. And, of course, he’s not doing a single effort to make it easy for me.

Some time later, when I finish reading the part I wanted to read, I notice that it’s been a while since I got distracted by Matt. I turn around on my chair and smile at his sleeping form.

I wish he would listen to me when I say he should rest more. But the problem with Matt is that, even though he loves skating and he wouldn’t trade it for anything else, there are still many other things that he wants to do. He likes to go to the movies like every other person our age, theatre, listening to music, reading books and go out when he has the chance to. Of course it’s difficult to keep up with everything... And then, there’s me. I certainly take a lot of his free time, but as long as I know he enjoys it as much as I do, I won’t do anything to stop him. Well, sometimes I have to slow him down, but that’s a different matter. That’s when I know that he needs to sleep or he may just pass out.

Now with the big competitions approaching, he’s cutting on some of those things he likes to do, but fortunately I’m still on his list. This is a wicked way to talk about our... affair, it seems like I’m just a _thing_ to him, which I know I’m not, but sometimes I feel like he could dismiss me at some point and that worries me more and more each day. Even though I feel he cares, feel he likes my company, likes talking to me and he enjoys all that sex... I’m still waiting for some kind of reassurance so I can stop worrying that I could lose him in a heartbeat. I mean, it’s not like after having that reassurance I can breathe out and lean back on my chair, I know I’ll still have to keep fighting to keep him, but that’s different. That’s what every functional couple does in order not to let the feeling drop down. This...anxiety could still exist somehow, but it would be so much more bearable. I don’t think I should even call it anxiety, I’d just never take Matt for granted, I know better than that.

I don’t have the heart to wake him up now, so I decide to let him have his rest and I’ll just ask Scotty if he doesn’t mind cooking something for us too, since it’s his turn tonight.

Trying to be soundless, I tiptoe to the door and open it carefully, closing it again behind me. I hear some sounds from the kitchen, telling me that Scotty is already preparing something; I just hope he’s not eating already.

“Scotty?” Luckily he’s still looking for something to cook. We really need to buy food... We can be so lazy about that sometimes.

“Yeah,” he turns around from the fridge. “You’re still here?”

I nod and take a few steps towards him. “Listen could you put some more in there?” I nod again towards the pot he’s filling with pasta and meat.

After a short moment he grins, knowing what I mean. “How cute! You guys decided to grace me with your presence, since I was about to have dinner on my own.” He teases. I didn’t even know Adam wasn’t coming. Which means he was about to make one hell of a meal just for himself... Typical Scotty, I don’t know how he keeps in shape considering how much he eats. Well, in fact I do. He practises a lot of sports. 

“Actually, that’s not the reason behind it, but could you?” He grins at me raising his eyebrows, letting me know that I won’t have an answer until I spit it out. Actually, I think I’ll only have an answer before he embarrasses me for a while. “Matt fell asleep and I don’t want to wake him up.”

“Aww Dommy!” There we go... I let him tease me for a while because I know that I have no choice and when he finally seems satisfied I proceed to help him cooking dinner for the three of us. After that drink with Adam in that state, I know I have nothing to worry about this small homemade dinner with Scotty, so I’m not nervous this time.

For several minutes, we make small talk, about lots of stuff and nothing in particular at the same time. When dinner is almost ready, he starts talking about Lilly and how different she is from the other girls he’s been with. In fact, this must be his first real relationship and so far he seems to be enjoying it.

“What about you?” He asks out of the blue.

“What about me?” I know what he’s asking but I’m not sure if I’m willing to talk about it, not when Matt is in the next room.

“You and Matt, you dork.  How are things going? Any declarations of love already?”

“Oh please, Scott!” I grumble as I set the table. My eyes dart quickly to the door, like I’m expecting to see Matt there at any second.

“Okay, okay. No messing around anymore. But you guys are still on the same stage, then?”

I sigh. “Yes and no.” He doesn’t say a word, doesn’t ask me to elaborate, and I guess that’s what makes me explain what I mean anyway. “I sense more proximity, more development. We just don’t _acknowledge_ it, I guess. Don’t put it into words.” I shrug. “I’m kind of okay with it at some point. But sometimes it’s frustrating because now I just know I mean _something_ to him.” I look at Scotty to find him looking straight back at me with a small smile playing on his lips.

“Why don’t you tell him that?”

“Last time I tried it didn’t go so well.” I sigh and lean back on the counter, looking at the table which is all set by now.

“Oh come on Dom! That was _ages_ ago! You certainly see that now, in a way, you are two different people.” I sigh again, still feeling unsure about it. “You don’t need to attack him with questions and demand answers; you just need a small, comfortable talk. You guys are friends after all, aren’t you?”

“I don’t think he’s ready to put out his feelings, yet. He’s not ready to say it, even if he feels it.”

“Maybe he’s ready to hear it.”

I frown, not exactly knowing if I agree with him or not. After all he practically doesn’t know Matt so I shouldn’t rely on everything he says. But maybe he’s right. Maybe I just need to find the right time... which can reveal quite difficult considering the amount of stress Matt is going through at the moment.

*

Dinner goes on normally, with no major issues, but still, Matt’s sleepy state turns it into a very quiet meal. Mostly me and Scotty do the talk, trying to avoid an uncomfortable silence as much as possible. However, sometimes I get the impression that there is something else in Matt’s head, that the reason behind his behaviour is not only his tiredness.

Is it the anxiety? Did he have a bad dream or something? Or worst... The one thing I don’t want to think about but my mind keeps screaming it at me. 

Did he hear what I told Scotty?

Sure he was still in my bedroom when I went there to tell him dinner was ready, but he was awake... Could he be wandering in the house, looking for me, and then heard what we were talking about? How fucking embarrassing is that?

Scotty says he doesn’t need help with the plates so we retreat to my bedroom before Matt has to go home. I just know that if he heard something he’s not going to keep it to himself for long. That’s not like Matt.

“Molecular biology.” He says the name of the book I was reading out loud as he picks it up from my desk.

“Yeah...?” He opens it approximately in the middle and observes an image in silence. I have no idea what he’s up to and the idea that he heard what I said in the kitchen becomes almost a fact and not just a suspicion. “It’s not one of my favourite subjects.” I shrug and sit on my chair.

“It does seem a bit boring.” He snorts and places it back on my desk, in front of me. I look at it before landing my eyes on him again.

I can’t quite decipher that look. Well, I simply can’t, at all. Which makes me feel uncomfortable. “You okay?” I mutter.

What now? Please don’t let this be too bad. “Do you think I’m a coward?”

Where the fuck did that come from? “Wha-what?”

“Do you think I have feelings for you but I’m too afraid to let them out? That I’m too much of a coward to let myself surrender to that?” I’m already shaking my head but he goes on. “If that is the issue here then you don’t know me at all.” His tone is more accusatory than angry and he’s not raising his voice, fortunately.

“No, that’s not the question.” Thankfully, I’m not shaking too much, and I think I feel confident enough to answer his attacks. I just hope...I hope I don’t end up completely broken. “And what’s up with listening behind the door? What happened to the good manners bullshit?

But he’s not buying that one. In fact, he totally ignores that remark. “Then what is it? What is that frustration all about?”

“Matt, this is not the time to have this conversation...” I try to be reasonable; I think I’m good at that. “You’re tired and the show is approaching and all...” Next week to be more precise. I don’t want to be in bad terms with Matt during that show.

“You chose the time, Dominic!”

“What? I was talking to a friend and _you_ decided to listen! That doesn’t seem like I chose anything at all!”

“Whatever...” At least he knows I’m right. “Frustration, Dominic? Being afraid of talking to me? Why, for fucks sake?”

“Maybe because last time I tried it ended up that way...”

“That time you weren’t talking! You were demanding! Forcing me into something I didn’t want! We barely knew each other back then and you wanted big things. Things I _wasn’t_ ready to offer.” Does that mean he is now? Then what is this fuss all about? Well... nothing is easy when it comes to Matt. And when he’s stressed due to skating, it’s even worse...

“I know I acted like a stupid and spoiled brat... That’s why I’m not doing it again, even though sometimes I feel the need to.” I sigh deeply and look at him again. He’s still tense but at least he’s listening now. “That need... it comes and goes. Most of the time I feel content just to know that we are close, because I know we are. We... you tell me things... You trust me, I can feel it.” I wait to see if he has something to say, but he doesn’t move a muscle. “But sometimes... sometimes I feel like there’s something missing. Something that shouldn’t matter as much but... sometimes it does matter. It’s like... like we’re in a car, riding safely, warm, content, comfortably riding at our own speed but I can’t see the road. Which makes me feel a bit... afraid at times. It feels wonderful but I wish I could see where we truly are.”

I don’t know what else to say so I just shut up and look down.

Matt paces around my room for a while and I wonder if he will get out with another word. Deep inside, I know he won’t. He would if this had happened a while ago, but not know... Not now when he’s already shown me so much about him.

“What the fuck am I gonna do with you, Howard?” His tone is different this time. I could risk saying it’s almost playful even though there’s no trace of a smile on his face.

“I am patient, Matt. Now I know I am so... please don’t feel pressured. You already have too much on your mind.”

My mind doesn’t have time to register what happens next, even though I’m the one who’s putting it in motion. I guess I’m acting on instinct, which is something rare, but I’m about to become a fan at least in some occasions. Before I know, I’m attacking Matt’s lips with an uncommon fury and he takes a while to respond to it. When he finally does, I pull back, and he holds my face in both hands as he lets his eyes bore deep into mine. I can see he wants to say something but he doesn’t really know how to.

“Let me put it like this... If I ever find you fooling around with another guy, or even a girl, I’ll kill you. In fact I’ll kill you both.” He smirks, his eyes still dark but it’s a different kind of dark now. They’re warmer.

His words make me smile, because I know the meaning behind them. “Can I say that I’d do the same?” I ask cheekily. 

He turns serious again, almost frozen, like he’s shocked at his own admission. Well, it’s not like he said anything that special but still, he knows what that means. And _I_ know what it means.

Without waiting for his mind to wander too much, and maybe regret, I encircle my arms around his neck, smiling to myself. Slowly, he puts his own around my waist, which makes me smile even more. I place a kiss on the curve of his neck and feel him sighing against me. 

Is this bliss? If it isn’t it must be pretty close.


	27. Chapter twenty-five A

Finally, the day of the show has arrived. I’ve been anxiously waiting for this, especially during the last week and now I can’t wipe the huge grin off of my face. Scotty and Lilly bought tickets, mainly because she wanted to come, but he doesn’t really mind it either. It’s sport after all, and he’s a sport lover.

I was expecting that sooner or later, someone would call me and ask me to do something, but like Mrs. McCarthy said, I’m a true guest tonight. This status has its positive side, I will be able to truly enjoy the show without having to worry about a single thing, but at the same time, it means that I can’t go downstairs to be with the skaters, to be with Matt. I keep looking at the entrance, but of course there’s no sign of him. The kids will skate first so from time to time, one of them peeks through the curtains that were placed there to see if there are any known faces among the audience. They must be terrified but excited at the same time.

Among the audience, there are many parents and family, because of the kids, and the seniors too probably. I haven’t spotted Matt’s parents yet but I’m sure they’re around. I’ve seen Ann’s, they were so excited and happy to see her... I can tell that she’s their golden girl, and that certainly doesn’t have to do with her blonde hair.

Of course, Matt’s fans are easy to notice, especially the Japanese ones. Actually I have three rather enthusiastic women, in their thirties, I think, just a couple of seats below mine. Oh this is going to be funny! They have stuffed animals in their hands which I’m sure they’re going to throw at the ice when he finishes. Across the rink, I can see a huge banner for him. All these things make me smile inside. This is my Matt here, getting all this love because of what he does. It’s soppy, I know, but it makes me feel so fucking proud!

Suddenly, I feel my phone buzzing in my pocket, which takes me back to the present. My friends are still talking animatedly with each other and from what I can catch Andrea is telling the others about a film she saw on the other day. I haven’t seen it, so I pick up the phone to read the short message, already guessing who sent it.

_ Ready for the show of your life? _

So full of himself, as always. Despite not having the challenge of competition, he feels totally _free_ and also happy to be a part of this, to help the place where he grew up show other people how good they actually are as a group. I can tell that he’s ready to have the time of his life in that rink, representing his home. During competitions, even though he always has that aura of confidence around him, there’s also a lot of tension, I know that there’s a small part of him that screams that something can go wrong, that he can fall or make any other mistake at any second. Of course that voice is louder at big events, but he seems to always manage to get around it or use it to his own advantage and appear confident on the ice, in front of the judges, the audience and the cameras. Some people call it arrogance, I call it equanimity. 

_ Of course! I’ve heard the kids prepared an excellent program! And Holly has a great voice. _

Holly is Mrs. McCarthy daughter. Even though she’s studying literature, she sings as a hobby and agreed to sing live during the show, together with a friend of hers, Robert, I think, when the kids are skating. From what I’ve heard, and also something I’ve seen, they’re going to perform to some Disney songs, both in group and some of them individually and in pairs. I seriously can’t wait to see it.

Matt doesn’t answer back; he’s probably warming up right now. Something tells me he only sent me that text to make sure I was already here. Of course he’s never going to admit that out loud.

When the lights go suddenly down, the audience starts to cheer excitedly, knowing that the show is about to start. Andrea claps her hands enthusiastically and smiles at me. I smile back before eyeing the rink again. Mrs. McCarthy appears on the small stage to make a little introduction to what we are about to see, without giving too much away. Even in the distance, I know she must be nervous that something will go wrong. For the seniors, there would be no problem, but the children... We all know how fragile they are and how much this show means to them. 

When Mrs. McCarthy leaves the stage, her daughter and Robert, previously introduced by her, replace her as the audience applauds the three of them. Holly has a great presence; she’s a lot like her mother in fact. It’s a shame she doesn’t spend much time around here. I’m not sure how close she and Matt are... I never give it a thought to be honest, but they’re probably friends, I mean, they lived in the same place for years; the same goes for her younger sister.

Andrea links her arm with mine as the music starts. Like in most shows, this starts with a small presentation of all skaters, where they all come to the rink one by one and do a small element, like a jump or a spin; firstly the kids, then the juniors and only then the seniors. 

When it’s Matt’s turn to show up (he’s the last on), some people stand up to applaud and some squeal in delight at the sight of the star of the show. I have to bite down on my lower lip to keep myself from screaming something embarrassing. How lucky am I to be with him? The thought takes hold of my mind and simply doesn’t go away, not when he’s looking like that. He opts to do a spin, right in the centre of the rink and then waves at the audience, at his fans, with a wide grin. Even the skaters that are already on the ice are looking at him, some of them applauding too, especially Ann. It’s easy to see how much she admires him and how proud she is to have him as a colleague at the same rink, as a friend.

When they leave the ice, the lights go down again and now it’s time for the show to start.

The first music is The Circle of Life, The Lion King soundtrack, and it’s a group performance for starters. Of course this is one of the songs that marked _my_ childhood, probably not theirs, but it became so popular, and even the kids nowadays seem to love it. I’m sure everyone here is smiling like mad, because they’re just too adorable and... just beautiful. And if people think how much they worked for this, it even gets to a higher dimension.

When it ends, a young pair, thirteen years old, I think, takes their place to skate to A Whole New World. Pocahontas, Little Mermaid and some other Disney hits follow until it’s time for the older skaters to perform.

It doesn’t take long before James is announced. He’s going to skate his short program, with music from The Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack. As always, he has that bright smile on his face, letting everyone know that even though he’s not a top skater, he really loves what he does.

After him there’s a pair, which makes Andrea beam since she really loves to watch pairs, and then it’s Ann’s turn. She practised a special exhibition to this show and that’s what she’s going to perform now. I believe she’s going to skate her short program too, but only later on. She’s more popular than James so people react more to her presence. She’s wearing a dark green costume, very simple but fitting her perfectly.

Elegant and smooth, she captivates the audience easily. Indeed she has developed her skills since the last time I saw her skating. Maybe not the technique, though a show is not the best event to see that, but she’s interpreting the music, Return to Innocence by Enigma, beautifully and is showing a certain passion that I’ve never really seen in her before, and she’s also more confident in her moves.

When her performance is over, it’s easy to see that she’s happy with it. She waves to the audience on her way out, throwing kisses excitedly, being all cute like always.

Finally, it’s Matt’s turn. My heart starts beating a bit faster when his name is announced. I was seriously hoping my friends wouldn’t do anything childish when the time came, but of course, it was in vain. Scotty reaches over both his girlfriend and Andrea to ruffle my hair and Andrea pats my cheek. Just how embarrassing can they be? They do know both me and Matt like discretion so they should shut up because they know how many fans of his are in this place. Luckily, I guess I’m just being me and getting worried over nothing. No one has their eyes on me at this moment and not on what my crazy friends are doing or saying. All attentions fall on Matt as he gets on the ice in all his glory.

He’s dressed in a black costume, well, it’s a suit, with a red tie. It seems like he’s really going to dance the tango in one of those popular Argentinean clubs.

__

_ “Did you know that, originally, tango was danced by two men?” _

__

_ I frowned at the question, not sure if he was taking the piss or talking seriously. We were sitting on the big couch in his living room eating a fruit salad from one big bowl, just a week ago. _

__

_ “Apparently it’s true, though I never did any research.” He shrugs. “But it makes sense... If you think about it, it’s very aggressive and sexual...” _

__

_ “Women can be aggressive and sexual, Matt.” I chuckle. Not that I have much experience in that field, but it’s not that difficult to figure out.  _

__

_ “But it usually takes longer for them to express it. At least I think it did back then, when people started dancing tango. Some people say it was originated in late XIX century, so back then women didn’t exactly have all that freedom to express themselves.” I nod, finally seeing some sense in what he’s saying. “But maybe it’s a theory... I never really checked.” _

__

_ “It seems like an interesting theory.” I wink when he grins at me. I turn back to the delicious fruits, picking up a piece of strawberry. _

__

_ Suddenly, he puts the bowl that was in the middle of us on the glass table in front of the couch and gets up. “Come on let’s tango!” He exclaims extending his hand at me and proposing that as if it was the most natural thing to do. _

__

_ “What?” I chocked on a piece of apple that I had managed to pick before he took the bowl away. _

__

_ “Let’s test the theory”, again, he said that as if it was the most obvious thing, as if I was retarded for not getting it at first or for not wanting to do it. _

__

_“No. No, no, no, Matt.”_ _ I reached out and took the bowl in my hands again, grasping it tightly, as if it would protect me or stop him somehow. He chuckled almost evilly and took it from my hands.  _

__

_ “I never take no for an answer, Howard. You know that.” With that, he took the bowl from my arms and before I knew I was already on my feet. _

Por Una Cabeza is a well known tango piece, but above all, it’s a wonderful, passionate music. I think it goes well with Matt’s skating style, but at the same time it is a departure, since he never skated to a Latin rhythm before, and I’m sure he’s more than willing to accept it. He will use this in competition, for his short program, and everyone is hoping that the judges will like it.

People go crazy at his entrance and of course he’s enjoying that special treatment. And, my oh my, he looks beautiful down there, he’s glowing. This is so much better than TV and I missed watching him skating for an audience, even if this is not a competition it’s still much better than only practicing.

He goes to the centre of the rink and goes down on one knee waiting for the music to start. I would definitely love if the two Japanese fans sitting close to me stood quiet during the performance. I love the fact that they came from so far to watch him and I respect them for that, but I don’t feel like listening to their hysterical voices right now…

Like always, the first chords of the music set him free, and he gets as into it as humanly possible. Of course this performance doesn’t have a very difficult content, it’s not a competition and he won’t risk difficult jumps with these show lights. But with Matt it’s never been just about the jumps or the spins for that matter, it’s about his phenomenal presence. 

He’s seducing the audience in a way, maybe some people don’t have that perception, but he truly is. After tall, tango is mainly about seduction and flirtation, and his moves, his expression show that. He lands all his jumps, spins beautifully and the footwork, oh the footwork is better than ever. Mrs. McCarthy choreographed this program, and I can tell that she thought about every detail, making it fit the music and Matt so perfectly; it was truly made for him. Too soon, the music comes to an end and, even though he’s going to perform again tonight, some fans are already throwing flowers and stuffed animals to the rink. I’m sure I’m not biased about him. I just have to take a look around to see that, despite our closeness, I’m not the only one completely entranced by his interpretation or the only one who loved every bit of his performance.

He waves and takes a few bows before skating gracefully towards the exit. 

“So fucking amazing.” Andrea mutters by my side. “I definitely need to see more figure skating; he’s… he’s…”

“Take a deep breath Andrea, you’re even blushing!” Scotty teases her and I simply laugh.

“Shut up Scott! Even you were blown away by that!” She’s experiencing post performance hysteria, I can tell, and it really makes me laugh to see her like this. “So talented, so beautiful… Are you sure he’s really g-“

“Andrea!” I interrupt her before it’s too late and look around. She needs to remember that we’re not at home where she can tease me; I really don’t mind that, it’s healthy in a way. But not here!

“Oh yeah, sorry… I got a bit carried away.” She’s grinning nonetheless and I shake my head.

There’s a little break after Matt’s performance and I turn to the side to chat with my friends.

“So what will happen now?” Lilly asks referring to the rest of the show.

To be honest I’m not that sure myself. I know all of them will skate again, except the little ones, but I don’t know what exactly Matt prepared. I know it’s something he practiced for this show and he’ll probably use it in future galas but he didn’t tell me what it is and I didn’t watch him practicing either.

When Lilly and Scotty disappear to buy something to drink, Andrea turns to me with a knowing smirk. “What?” I mutter suspiciously.

“Are you guys like… official now?”

“Sort of.” I shrug, trying not to smile. Like my mother would say, we’ve been faithful and we do care for each other so, what else does it take? A declaration? Well, Matt said it in his own way and that simple phrase made me beam with happiness.

“Sort of?” 

“We are… Maybe we’re not your typical couple but I guess that’s because Matt is everything but a typical bloke so…” I shrug, looking down. It still feels kind of strange, I’m still afraid that I’m speaking only for me and Matt doesn’t feel any of this. But at the same time I feel stupid for feeling that way because during the last couple of months Matt didn’t do anything that could make me think that we’re _not_ together. My insecurity can be almost disgusting, but I believe it’s slowly fading away.

“I’m really happy for you, Dom.” She smiles and kisses my cheek. “You’re doing the right thing, you know? You’re finally letting yourself go and actually get involved with someone for real.”

“I am, too.” I grin. “Now let’s see the show, shall we?” I ask when the lights start to fade.

“Where the hell are those two?” She frowns looking back in the direction where Scotty and Lilly disappeared just a few minutes ago. I chuckle and she turns to me again. “No… they wouldn’t, not here. Lilly really wants to see this.”

Just in that moment, they appear right in time, Lilly carrying a coke and looking surprisingly innocent.

The second part of the show is about to start.


	28. Chapter twenty-five B

As the show goes on, I can’t help but feel more and more intrigued about what Matt is going to skate to next. I remember asking him a few days ago and he refused to tell me. I didn’t bother because I was bound to find out sooner or later, but I never did. It seems like he did it on purpose, like he didn’t want me to find out until tonight. But why?

And there was something else. The way he looked at me when I asked him about it, that mischievous smirk... There’s definitely something going on in that head of his, and I have no idea what it is. I’m certainly dying to know.

Since the kids are not skating during this second half, Matt’s time arrives before I even have time to miss him. I mean, yeah sometimes I find myself looking at my watch, but I’m having a great time nonetheless. Ann just skated her small program to Yann Tirsen music and she was amazing again. I hope she can go to the competition this strong because I know how a strange audience, a strange place and the presence of the judges make her very nervous. After all, it’s not like skating home. But we’ll see...

When Matt’s name is announced for his second and last performance of the night, the crowd immediately starts clapping, the Japanese fans once again standing out among everyone else. However, nothing prepared me for what I’m seeing right now... So this is the reason why he was so secretive about it all!

_ “I love this music! It’s so powerful.” _

__

_ Matt snorted by my side and I just knew what was going on in his head that time. “You love the mask, you perv.” _

__

_ Of course I needed to defend myself because what he was saying wasn’t entirely true. Well, I do like masks, and I already admitted my fetish to him, but I genuinely love The Phantom of the Opera soundtrack and the film, which we were watching comfortably at the time, really gets to me. I wish I had the opportunity to watch the real musical one day. _

__

_ “That’s not what I meant. This music is... it’s so powerful... The organ gives me goose bumps.” I say just as Christine starts to sing. _

__

_ Another snort. “You’re too sensitive...and disappointing. It would be so much sexier if you said that the mask gives you goose bumps.” _

__

_ At that I couldn’t help but smile sheepishly. “Well... the mask is different, it’s a turn on.” I murmured as I threw him a lopsided grin.  _

The sight of Matt with a white mask covering half of his face and about to perform to The Phantom of the Opera can reveal to be a problem for me. My body immediately starts responding to it and I have to cross my legs in order to avoid any attention. I have to take a deep calming breath and tell myself a hundred times that it’s not possible to go down there and shag the life out of him right there on the ice. No, it wouldn’t be appropriate.

Luckily, Andrea doesn’t seem to feel my tension, she is too entranced by Matt’s presence. Well, I can’t blame her. I need to focus on him as a professional! Fuck Dom, how horny can you be? He’s working and you should be appreciating his work...

When the music starts it actually gets worse; it’s that fucking mask! And everything else... He starts skating with a black cloak, but takes it off right in the beginning so it doesn’t get in the way of the jumps and spins. Even the apparently normal move he does to take it off seems so very appealing to me. I wish there was no one else here. Well, I wish I could say that it seems like no one else is here, and somehow it seems, but at the same time I find myself perfectly aware of this crowd that is what’s truly stopping me from express just how much I’m enjoying this. 

I already loved this piece, but now I love it in a completely new level. He’s probably going to perform this in galas in the future, I have to make sure I tape every event. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating here, this is only something he practised in a few days, nothing like the competition programs, those are the ones I should value, but... 

It’s like he’s skating for me.

For the first time, I know he’s being inspired by me, my fetish, a music I love. And it’s so fucking overwhelming. I don’t even know what to tell him when I see him after the show. Words cannot express and they would probably come out too soppy and Matt would definitely not enjoy that.

At some point during the performance, he takes the mask off and many people clap in delight. Somehow I think he means to symbolize something. Matt is a person that wears a mask in his everyday life. Just a few people know the real Matthew Bellamy and I can say I’m one of the lucky ones. When he takes the mask off, his movements on the ice become softer, even though many people in the audience may not see the difference. Oh, but I do. It represents his other side, the one that he doesn’t show to everyone in order to protect himself. At least, he thinks he’s protecting himself. 

Before I know it, the music is ending, but before it does, he picks up the mask from the ice and puts it on again, finishing on one knee and looking at the audience. His back is turned to me when he finishes, and I know he’s aware of my place because I told him where I would be standing. Again, he’s telling me that he needs no mask when he’s with me, but he needs it to face other people.

Everyone stands up, clapping enthusiastically, but I just can’t find the strength, not after what he did to me. Not after seeing Matt skating for me like that.

*

I was invited to the after show party and since Mrs. McCarthy said I could bring the friend that I offered the spare ticket, Andrea was invited as well. At first she was a bit unsure, but after the show she was actually eager to come with me.

“If you leave my side for one second I’ll kill you, Dom!” She menaces. I understand her, because she doesn’t know anyone, but at the same time, I know she’s talkative and probably within a few minutes, she will be the one to leave me alone.

“Trust me, you’ll be fine. Everyone’s nice around here and I’m sure whoever is coming from the outside won’t be a problem.” Everyone’s nice... Who would have thought that one day I’d be saying something like that?

“Aw, I remember you saying how bad _someone_ here made you feel.” She teases and I chuckle as she links her arm with mine.

“Well, that _someone_ happens to like you, so it won’t be a problem.” 

There are not many people at the party. The kids have gone home so it’s the older skaters, some family and friends. It doesn’t take me long to spot Matt holding a glass of Champagne while talking to Mrs. McCarthy and his parents. They really came, after all. Despite my initial confidence, I’m now feeling a bit like an outsider. There’s no way I can approach Matt right now and if it Andrea wasn’t by my side, I’d probably just leave. Ann is talking animatedly with a guy I don’t know, maybe it’s her boyfriend, James is nowhere to be seen but I don’t usually talk much to him anyway. So... even though I know many people from sight, I don’t have the nerve to go near them and try to engage a conversation. At least if Isabella was here... Or even the boy, Jake, he’s a nice bloke. But I haven’t seen them around.

“So Dom, are we going to stay right here?” Andrea asks looking up at me.

“No, no. Let’s get us a drink.” She nods and follows me to the bar. Still, we seem to go unnoticed.

“Dominic! I’m glad you could come!” Mrs. McCarthy greets me excitedly and both me and Andrea turn to her.

“Good evening, Mrs. McCarthy. I’m glad too.” Matt says I should feel more at ease with her. He says I’m strangely polite whenever I talk to her and it makes him snigger. Well, I think it’s just because I really respect her and I can’t help but acting this way. “This is my friend Andrea.” I gesture to her. “Andie, this is Jane McCarthy, owner-“

“Oh, I know that!” She interrupts. “Nice to meet you, Mrs. McCarthy.” 

“You too. Any friend of Dom is welcome here and you can call me Jane. I’m always saying this to your friend here, but his habit seems to be stronger than my will.” Andrea chuckles and nods, she seems to be more at ease than I am. “Have you talked to Matt, already?” She asks turning her attention back to me.

“No, not yet. He was with you and his parents when I got in and I didn’t want to interrupt.” The other day Matt told me that she has known about our little escapades for a while and she also knows that it’s becoming serious. I don’t mind it, after all she’s like a mother to Matt, I actually feel honoured that he told her. She never confronted me about it, she probably knows there’s no need to.

“Oh, don’t be silly... Come on, I’ll introduce you to them.” 

I freeze. “What? No, there’s no need for that. I can wait.” I’m sure Andrea is finding this situation pretty amusing. She should be helping me. 

In that moment, Matt looks in my direction and grins. He must have heard my voice and now it’s too late. Well, my main fear was that Matt wouldn’t want me there, meeting his parents, even if they don’t know about us (I’m not sure if they know or not, anyway), but he doesn’t seem bothered by it since he’s grinning.

Before I have time to register what’s happening, I’m standing between Andrea and Mrs. McCarthy in front of Matt’s parents. This guy is definitely nuts, his smirking in that particular way of his, clearly enjoying my uneasiness and doing nothing to help me.

“Marian, Philip, this is Dominic, he works here and he’s a good friend of Matt’s. And this is his friend Andrea that I just got the pleasure to meet.” I take a quick glance at Matt and see him biting on his lower lip so he won’t burst out laughing. I’m going to make him pay for this one.

We all greet each other and say our nice-to-meet-you’s and then a small silence falls over us, interrupted by Andrea’s gushing. 

“Matt you were amazing on the ice. Congratulations.” He smiles at her, almost affectionately.

“Thank you! I appreciate that. I hope you enjoyed the whole show though.” He grins and she laughs nodding. Mrs. McCarthy eyes him suspiciously, obviously not used to seeing Matt reacting this way to a complete stranger. Sure he wouldn’t be a dick to someone who’s complimenting him and he’s used to signing plenty of autographs, but he’s actually being really nice and talkative to her. “Oh, we’ve met before. Through Dom.” He answers her silent question and she nods happily. 

“So Dominic, you’ve been working here for long?” Matt’s mother asks me.

“Almost two years.” Time goes by so fucking quickly...

“But it’s just part time job.” Matt cuts in. “Dom’s a Biology student.” You like to praise me, huh? The thought makes me smile.

After that the typical conversation about my studies follows, until Holly joins us. I was curious about how close she is to Matt, and I guess I’m just finding out that they are pretty close. Holly approaches him from behind by wrapping her arms around his waist and placing a little kiss on his cheek. Then she lets go of him and walks to her mother. This visual evidence that Matt was well received and accepted as a member of the McCarthy family fills me with joy. I know it didn’t erase the hurt completely, and it probably took him months to feel at home and to get this level of intimacy with them, but at least he got there. If he didn’t, I don’t think he would ever be what he is today.

We all chat for a few more moments, I mean, I’m not more than a mere listener, even Andrea is talking more than I am, but I’m enjoying this nonetheless. Matt’s parents reveal to be rather nice, and it’s easy to see how proud they are of him. Sometimes, his mother looks at him with dreamy eyes, I wonder if she still questions the decision she made all those years ago, even though she’s probably fighting to let it go. After all, it all seemed to end up well. Matt is doing what he loves and he’s successful, Brian, even though I never met him, seems to have found his way too. However, his sister, Catherine, he doesn’t talk much about her; it hurts him to do so, I think.

_ “Cath never accepted me the way I am.” He said one evening when we were having dinner at the usual small restaurant. His sister had just called a few minutes before and they had a fight over something I don’t know. _

__

_ “You mean she’s a homophobe?” _

__

_ He played with his food for a few seconds before answering. “That too... I guess that was the cherry on top of the cake. She didn’t speak to me for weeks after I told my family I fancied blokes, but we never had a good relationship anyway. And sometimes I don’t think she’s a real homophobe, you know? It just seemed like a good reason for her to throw some trouble in the air.” _

__

_ “Well, it’s her loss...” _

__

_ “It hurts my parents.” That’s easy to figure out. “But this time it’s not my fault. She’s just so... bitchy about everything. You would think she was the one being... left behind.” I felt some kind of rage burning in my chest in that moment. What the hell was her problem? _

__

_ “Well, I think this time you can have a clear conscience.” I grin, but he’s keen on continuing with the almost depressive mode. Not common... He really needed to put it all out; he wasn’t even waiting to get home. _

__

_ “She always thought I was too spoiled, just a little spoiled brat who always got what he wanted.” He sighed and smiled sadly. “I used to wonder if I wasn’t her true brother, if I was adopted.” I chuckled at that. “Then I got used to it and we just... there was a time when we could barely see each other. Now we’re more civil.” _

__

_ “But is there any reason? It doesn’t have to be something you did, just... any reason at all for her to act that way?” _

__

_ He shrugged and looked at me in the eyes. “No... That’s just how she is. I know I’m difficult; I have mood swings, tantrums, whatever, especially with people I barely know. But my sister... she’s a walking troublemaker. She’s the other reason why my mother really, really needed to go back.” _

__

_ I couldn’t help but think again how difficult it must have been for his parents. How difficult it still is! I don’t know how they can keep their mental sanity despite all this. I mean, every one of their three kids was or is a piece of work and surprisingly, Matt seems the most balanced in my eyes.  _

*

“It’s a shame that we can’t get together properly... I’m still so hyper!” Matt exclaims excitedly, a million thoughts about what we could do for the rest of the night crossing his head. IT will be impossible though, once his parents are going to stay there. However, we managed to spend some time alone outside the party, hoping that no one else will come to this stop we found.

“Matt?”

“Hm?”

“Did you want to give me a heart attack with that Phantom thing?” He throws his head back laughing, and I can’t help but laugh myself. “It’s not funny, you know? I got a hard on in the middle of all those people.”

“As if anyone there was looking at you.” He says a little out of breath. True, but I won’t admit that. “And you loved every second of it.” He’s not asking, so I’m not going to answer. Instead, I lean forward to capture his lips in a deep kiss. He responds immediately, his hands finding the skin of my lower back.

I leave his mouth and kiss my way to his ear. “Phantom.” I whisper and feel him smiling against my cheek. “Phantom of the ice.”


	29. Chapter twenty-six

It’s finally Friday! Well, I still have to go to work, but everyone who knows me is aware that’s hardly a sacrifice.

The show last Saturday was a success, despite the fact that it was just a small even in the figure skating world. I don’t have much contact with the kids that practise here, but everyone says that they don’t talk about anything else. Especially those that skated in front of an audience for the first time, they’re over the moon.

The seniors enjoyed it as well, but now the stress of competitions is on their minds again, ruling them almost completely. Matt is going crazy, and I mean totally out of his mind sometimes, I seriously don’t know how he can appear so calm in front of the judges... Maybe it’s because he lets it all out when off the ice. I feel the need to try to take it off of his mind during his breaks though. Even Andrea tried to help Matt a little, even if I didn’t entirely agree with her idea. Still, Matt seemed to enjoy it, so I went along with it.

_ “What’s your problem, Dom? You asked me last week if I could help you buy some new clothes because you really need them!” Yes Andrea, but you should know that bringing Matt along wasn’t what I had in mind when I asked you that favour. _

__

_ Since I was a kid, I’ve always hated shopping. My mother had to drag me to the shops because I would rather happily go to school with rotten clothes. Of course, being a teenager changed that, but only **slightly**. When I was in my teens, I didn’t want to go to school with old clothes, but I didn’t want to go shopping either, so that was a big problem. A problem that still kind of exists today, which is strange because I do like the after feeling of having something new to wear. So, whenever I feel like I need new clothes, I ask Andrea to go with me, because if I go alone I get bored the second I start looking for something. _

__

_ So last week, I had asked her to go with me someday and of course, being the female she is, she almost squealed in delight. However, Tuesday was Matt’s day off, and we didn’t have classes during the afternoon so she had the brilliant idea that we should go that day and bring Matt with us. _

__

_ Of course I wanted to rip her head off.  _

__

_ She made me call him and ask and, surprise, surprise, he knew how irritated I was and so accepted willingly. _

Strangely, when I get to the rink I realise that Matt is nowhere to be found. Did the fucker have another _crisis_ and left earlier? We were supposed to have dinner! Instead of blaming him before knowing for sure, I try to find out some more so I make my way to the cafeteria. If something out of the ordinary happened, Isabella will know.

“Hey Isabella!” I nod towards Jake who is still shy around almost everyone, poor bloke. At least, Matt didn’t pick on him again.

“Hi Dom.” She frowns, I don’t really know why. “Thought you’d be with Matt by now...”

By the look on her face, she’s not saying that to mock me, there’s something going on. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, I thought you knew by now... He had a bad fall this morning and Mrs. McCarthy thought it was best to take him to the hospital for examination. I think he’s injured his foot or something, but I’m not sure. Mrs. Bowell went there with him too.” She adds referring to Rose, his coach.

I think I’ve gone pale all of a sudden. I mean, it’s not like his life is threatened, but, considering the situation, hospital and all, this has to be something serious... My hands turn into fists as they rest over the counter and my breathings deepens. What if he really hurt himself badly? I doubt Isabella or anyone else here know anything more specific and that fact is enough to make me go nuts. 

And why the hell didn’t he call me?! 

I’m worried. I’m truly worried and he must be feeling like shit right now and I’m not there with him.

“Dom?”

I blink twice and try to focus on Isabella again. “Sorry... But do you know how serious it is?”

She shakes her head as she cleans the counter. “I only know what I told you... But this has happened before; I think you know that as well as I do. I’m sure he’ll be fine.” She smiles at me reassuringly. 

“Yeah...” I look down and then back up at her with a small smile. I’m still as worried as before, I can’t help it, but of course what she said is absolutely right. After an awkward little silence, I excuse myself and get out of the cafeteria to call Matt. There’s a great chance that he won’t pick up but I have to try at least. I don’t know if he’s still at the hospital or if he’s home already.

After the third ring, Mrs. McCarthy answers the phone which makes me feel a little worried... Why the hell didn’t he do it himself?

“Hello Dom.” I greet her back but she must know I’m worried so she goes straight to the point, I don’t even have to ask anything. “Matt is alright now, he’s really... _angry_ , but that can be taken care of.” 

“But what happened? Is it serious?” I ask in a high pitched tone.

From the other side I hear a long sigh. “He was practising the quad and then fell hard. So he hurt his left foot and couldn’t get up for a while. This is what Rose told me. When I got there he was still in pain and we were afraid that it could be something serious, possibly in his ankle so we took him to the hospital immediately.”   

“But is it?”

“Fortunately no.” I sigh in relief. “But the examination revealed a mild stress fracture, in the same foot, that Matt has been disregarding. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell him to always pay attention to his body... He just ignores the signs and then this happens. Better now than right before the Olympics, though.”

It’s Matt’s nature to always push himself forward; he never learns. “But what did the doctor say about skating?”

“That he has to stay off the ice for four weeks. Of course Matt went nuts, you can imagine that. He didn’t shut up on the way home, always insulting the doctor.”

Oh yeah, sure I can see that happening. Frustration must be killing him. I wonder if he will give up on the quad after this, but somehow I doubt it. “I’m with him at his place, but he’s in the bathroom at the moment.”

“Do you... do think it would be okay if I stopped by?” It’s almost retarded to feel this insecure, but this is Mrs. McCarthy I’m talking to... Despite Matt telling me that everything is alright with her, it is still difficult for me.

On the other side of the line, she laughs softly. “Dom... He’s your boyfriend, why would it be a problem?”

My... my _boyfriend_? Okay, we had made this more official, but this is actually the first time I’ve heard someone mentioning Matt as my boyfriend and it feels...stupidly amazing! Stupidly because we’ve already done so much that it’s almost strange that I’m so surprised and overwhelmed like this. 

“Dom?”

I wake up from my day dream. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll be over as soon as I can.”

*

When I get to Matt’s door, I realise that I haven’t thought about a good way to approach him. I’m sure he’s more irritable so maybe it would have been good if I thought about what to tell him.  But how can I predict anything Matt does or says? And what if he’s not angry but sad instead? I find that more difficult to deal with, in fact. However, Mrs. McCarthy already gave the impression that it’s not the case.

After just one knock on the door, Mrs. McCarthy opens it with a small smile. “Hi, Dominic.” I greet her back. “Matt, Dom is here!” She announces as she steps back, letting me in.

“How is he?” I ask just above a whisper.

“Oh, you know... Acting like this is the end of the world.” She shrugs. Yeah, that’s what I thought. “Maybe you can manage to put some common sense into his head.” Me? Okay, maybe I can do something about it, but I’m sure she already tried her own ways... 

At the living room, I find Matt sitting on the couch, his bad foot on a puff in front of him as he looks at the TV but without paying much attention. I throw a questioning look at Mrs. McCarthy and she smiles reassuringly.

“Hey!” I say tentatively. What I get in response is a grunt. Well, at least he’s not ignoring me.

“Well, now that you have company I’m going to leave. You sure you don’t want to stay at my place for a few days?” Jane asks as she picks her coat from a chair.

“No, I’ll stay here.”

“I can stay for as long as needed, no problem.” I smile at her, and she nods appreciatively.

“I don’t need babysitting!” Matt mutters under his breath, glaring at me furiously. 

“Of course you don’t, dear. But you do need someone around to stop you from breaking your own apartment.” Mrs. McCarthy jokes, trying to lift up the mood. Matt smirks at her remark but tries to hide it nonetheless. He’s concentrated on being difficult right now.

After her final goodbyes, Mrs. McCarthy kisses Matt’s temple ruffling his hair and leaves me alone with the beast. Well, he’s inoffensive right now. He’s just frustrated and he has a reason to feel that way.

“So what did the doctor say?” I ask tentatively as I sit down next to him but keeping a safe distance.

“A load of nonsense, that’s what he said.” I raise my eyebrows and even though he’s not looking at me he knows I want him to explain what he just said. “He wants me to stay off the ice for one month. _One month_ , Dom!” 

“Well, it’s a foot inju-“

“One month! Which means I’ll probably miss the Grand Prix when I was supposed to be on a plane to Moscow in less than two weeks!” He’s waving his hands in front of him in order to demonstrate better just how pissed off he truly is. “And he said that as if it was the most natural thing in the world! As if I didn’t even need my foot! Can you believe it?”

I have to do my best not to laugh, because that would make him go insane and he would possibly throw me out and don’t speak to me for days. “Well, he was just doing his job-“

“His job?!” He shouts and I shift on the couch so I’m sitting as far from him as possible. “His job is to make me be able to skate in a few days! But no... he tells me to rest, anyone can do that! The tosser studied for years to tell me that I need to rest? - Fucking joke!”

Oh well, I shouldn’t find his outbursts funny but I really do. And kind of sexy too, like he’s in need for some angry sex. Truth is, Matt’s been through this before, he had several injuries in the past just like every other skater. But this season...it’s the most important of his career and he’s probably facing this as a bad start. I don’t think he’s superstitious at all, but maybe he’s thinking of this as a sign that everything can go wrong, and it doesn’t even have to do with his talent and his will to win, his commitment to the sport... That’s why it’s so frustrating.

And he’s also afraid. He’s afraid that he won’t recover completely and soon enough; afraid that he’ll lose too much time while his competitors are practising hard their programs and getting better and better. A millions thoughts must be running through his head at the moment, which means that, psychologically, he won’t rest unless he has something else to occupy his mind. There’s where I come in.

Suddenly his cell phone starts ringing but the moment he sees who it is he puts it back down on the table. “My brother.” He mutters.

“He must be worried about you... Why don’t you pick it up?”

“Jane already told my mother I’m fine so he can ask her. I don’t feel like talking to him right now; knowing Brian, he’ll think this is his fault too.” I can’t help but chuckle at that. I think Matt exaggerates a lot when it comes to his brother; despite his self depreciating personality (or so Matt says), I doubt he would even suggest that the injury was remotely related to the fact that he was an alcoholic in the past. But of course Matt doesn’t even want to hear what he has to say... 

“I think you should pick it up, even if it’s just to say ‘Hi’.” I shrug.

“I don’t care about what you think.” He mutters. A truly bad mood. And I’m the one who has to stay with him through it. Strangely, I don’t mind at all. I’m glad to be here like I’m glad to be with him any other time.

“Alright, alright.” I sigh. “Listen, do you want to eat something?”

He waits for a bit before answering me. “No, but tea would be nice.” It’s a start... For a moment I thought he would tell me to fuck off because he can take care of himself.

I tap his leg twice before getting up to pad towards the kitchen.

“You’re wearing the green trousers.” I hear his voice from behind, his tone so different now. When I turn around the first thing I notice is the small knowing smirk.

“Yeah, I’ve decided to finally give them a go.” I wink before disappearing into the kitchen.

_ “Dom, you have to try those!” It wasn’t easy to believe what Andrea was asking me. _

__

_ “Don’t be crazy... Come on, I’m sick of being here and I still have to find a couple of shirts.” I was ready to move on to the next store but Andrea had other ideas and, of course, Matt was agreeing with her. _

__

_ “They don’t look bad at all! Come on, try them!” Of course Andrea genuinely thought that I would look good or even sexy in green skinnies, but Matt was doing this to get on my nerves. I just had to look at his face to see that.  _

__

_ Well, Matt has a couple of tight trousers himself, like the ones he used for Ann’s birthday, but it’s not like I’m as fit as he is. He can wear almost anything without looking like an idiot. For example, I thought braces were something of the past until I saw Matt wearing them. It’s a simple item, but it seems like they were made for him. When he wears those black smooth trousers with the white shirt and black braces... he makes me drool all over the place. And then there are the scarves, he has those silky ones and then the thick winter ones that he wears everyday when it’s cold. Like the tartan one he was wearing that day when we were shopping. I’ve never thought a man could wear tartan and look as good as he does. He’s not someone who wears many colours, apart from black and white, there’s his love for red and also dark blue (I’m more colourful than him in fact), but still, there’s always so much style in whatever he wears, it’s unbelievable. And that long red coat, the one that falls to just over his knees... He’s been wearing it now that the winter has arrived. I never thought I’d be so grateful that the cold weather has finally reached us.  _

__

_ “See? He agrees with me. And we all know that Matt and I have the best sense of style here.” They had to be kidding me. There was no way I was going to try them only to have them mock me afterwards. Especially **him**. I’d never hear the end of it. “Come on, Dommy. Enough of the large trousers and hoddies you like so much. It’s time for you to learn something with Mr. Bellamy and myself.” She was already advancing to said item of clothing to look if they had my size. Of course they did. _

__

_ “Andrea, please let’s move on. I’m tired already!” I moaned. _

__

_ “Don’t be such a baby, Howard!” Matt exclaimed from behind me. “You have nothing to lose, come on!” I sighed and realised that I had no escape, not when those two were united against me. _

_ With a groan, I took the trousers from Andrea’s hands and made my way to the changing rooms. Man, they were tight. I had never worn something that tight. But as I looked at myself in the mirror I found myself thinking ‘not bad...not bad at all’. Sure they were a bit... well, gay, and I had never been flamboyant but somehow I felt...hot with those ones. The colour definitely seemed to suit me and the fabric was so smooth... Thoughts of Matt running his hands through it hungrily crossed my mind and made me smile. It wasn’t such a bad idea after all... _

__

_ But it was almost like my legs were bare and I didn’t know if I was confident enough to use them outside... After taking a deep breath, I opened the curtain to find both Matt and Andrea looking at me. Andrea clapped her hands twice, obviously satisfied with the result and happy to be so persistent. _

__

_ Matt... Matt was almost salivating, and that was the moment I decided that I needed to buy those, even if I’d only wear them for him. It would be a lie if I said that I’d never seen that look on his face, but it was in fact the first time he looked at me like that in a crowded place and that made my heart flutter. _

*

“I thought that you would never wear those outside.” Matt smirks once we get in the bedroom, shortly after having dinner.

“You don’t want me to? Does it make you feel jealous?” I tease, winking at him, but he merely chuckles back. Of course that’s something he’s never going to admit.

“They’re comfortable after you get used to them.” I say taking off my shirt. I’ve decided to stay tonight, in fact, I promised Mrs. McCarthy I would. I think this is the first time we’re going to sleep together and probably there will be no sex. Probably... 

Matt lies back with a thud and a sigh, tired because of the stressful events of the day. He calmed down, but his eyes are still stormy and I already had to take some rude answers over nothing special. Nothing that I wasn’t already expecting anyway.

“I still can’t believe this happened!” Here we go again. “I need to find a way to be able to practise sooner.”

“And get yourself seriously injured.” I add ironically. “Three weeks at least, Matt. You won’t die because of it.”

“You don’t get to tell me what to do, Howard.” This is the kind of remark that he’s been saying.

“Okay, shut up now and help to take this off. It’s difficult as fuck! I feel like there’s some kind of glue between the fabric and my skin!” With a small smile, he sits back up and does as I asked. “Just a question though...” I add as I sit down and proceed to the difficult task of taking those skinnies off. “Why didn’t you call me to tell me what had happened?”

His hands freeze over the fabric. I’m not accusing him, I’m just trying to understand what was going on in his head: if he didn’t even think of me at the time, since he was so nervous and frustrated, or if he simply didn’t want to worry me, or something else... 

“Hearing it from Isabella wasn’t so pleasant, you know? I got really worried because she didn’t know any details; she didn’t know how serious it was.”

“Yeah, I get it.” He sighs and looks back up at me. “It’s not like I’m used to having people to call to when stuff like this happens.” I frown at this. Sure he has his family... They do care, I know that and I’ve seen it with my eyes when I met them. “Jane usually calls my mother and only later, when I’m calmer, I talk to her.” Yeah that’s what happened this time too. He called his parents after dinner; he had a long talk with his mother and all.

“So when you’re there, waiting for answers, you don’t feel like talking to anyone, I get it.” When I get back to my task his voice stops me again.

“It’s not that obvious.” He hesitates for a moment before continuing. “I wanted to call you, to hear your voice, somehow I thought it could do me good. But I didn’t know _how_ to.”

I chuckle in a tenderly way at that. “‘Hey Dom. Don’t get worried about what I’m going to say because I’m alright now. But I hurt my foot on the ice. I fell, you see? But I’m alright. I’m just very irritated because of this stupid doctor. Could you stop by?’ that would be a good start.” I smile and he snorts. “Of course in the heat of the moment I would fire you with questions but at least I would know for sure that you were alright.”

In silence, I finally manage take off my trousers so I can slip under the covers. Matt does so as well and lies facing the ceiling as I lie on my side. “I don’t want to say that I’ll do that next time because I hope there’s not a next time; not soon, anyway.”

I chuckle and nod as he turns to the side to face me. “That’s alright.” 

He smiles and leans forward to capture my lips briefly. “Thank you for being so patient with me.” He whispers, as if he’s afraid of his words.

“You’re welcome.” Even after that first night he slept in my arms, we don’t really have the habit to cuddle. But now it’s different, because there’s no invisible barrier between us. It just doesn’t seem to be our thing, not every night anyway. Sometimes we do cuddle, it depends on the mood I guess. And tonight is one of those nights. Matt turns around pressing his back into my chest as I wrap an arm around his waist. It’s not a tight, suffocating embrace, it’s just who we are.


	30. Chapter twenty-seven

Morning sex. I can almost say there’s nothing as pleasurable as this. Well, mostly nothing, there might be one or two things that top it... Like Matt riding me or fucking me on the couch. I definitely love the couch thing, it makes me incredibly horny. But morning sex is top five for sure. Of course having Matt completely awake behind me while my front is still lazily pressed to the bed is a privilege that I’m lucky enough to enjoy. 

Matt is extremely active in the morning; contrary to most people, this seems to be his best part of the day. It’s probably due to his skating - lots of going to bed early and waking up at the crack of dawn, when everyone else is fast asleep. But he’s used to it, he doesn’t complain about it. In my case though, whenever I have to wake up before seven a.m. I go nuts. Sometimes not even a double coffee can change my bad mood.

Anyway, back to the present: Matt’s chest pressed against my back, his legs between mine – an immense bliss, even at eight o’clock. It’s insane that even though he’s not been skating for two weeks, he still has this routine of being up so early. But if it is to end up like this, I don’t mind, not _at all_.

“You could at least- ungh- move, Howard!” He moans in my ear before biting down on the back of my neck. I grunt both in pain and pleasure, even though the latest is clearly the dominant one in this case. I’m feeling too good to obey him, though, and I know he won’t stop because he has his own needs, so I simply stay in the same position enjoying while he does his ministrations.  


We’ve been discovering this lazy sex lately and I have to say I love it. Unfortunately it’s not really Matt’s type and he only agrees in times like this, when he knows that it’s either that or a wank because I don’t move this early in a Saturday morning. Eventually, though, as it all starts getting too much and my body gets strong enough to actually respond, I start thrusting in rhythm with his own movements.

“That’s better...” With that, he rewards me by circling his arm around my waist to take my arousal in his hand. “Tell me how I make you feel.” He demands, wanting me to sing his praises. I could play with him for a bit by not answering his question, but I’m too horny to care. I just want him to shag the life (even half asleep) out of me.

“Like I’m flying.” I try, slightly mocking. I’m honestly not inspired at all.

“You can do better than that, Howard.” He’s going to torture me if I don’t say something he appreciates, I can feel it. He controls himself much better than me when it comes to holding back the orgasm, so if he’s pissed off, he will delay his so that he can torture me... Bastard.

“I... I love it when you wake me up this early for this.” A whimper. Oh, that was me. He just twisted in _that_ way. “To bury your mighty cock deep inside me.” 

At this he actually laughs and stops his slow moments for a while. “Are you a comedian?” What did I say wrong? I wasn’t even lying... Not much, anyway, it really depends on the day.

Last try...

“No one else...” I gulp and whimper again. I must sound like a girl... “No one else has ever made me feel th-this way. Only you, Matthew... Only you...” I grip the ends of the pillow, lifting my chest from the mattress. “I can’t describe... My head is full of you, your skin, your touch... scent.” I gulp hard “I can’t describe...”

His thrusts speed up and I can sense that I’m about to lose control too. It doesn’t take long before I’m whimpering his name as if I had to do it in order to stay alive.

*

“I’m so tired of having nothing to do...”

“You’re resting, Matt. Look at it as doing _something_. And it’s not like you’ve been stuck at home.”

He shifts again, with a long sigh and I know I have to give up on sleeping. After that mighty shag I thought I had convinced him that I needed a couple of hours of sleep. He actually got out of bed to eat something and I believe he watched TV for an hour or so. When he got sick of it, of course he woke me up again just so he would have someone to listen to him moaning about his condition.

“We can go for another walk at the park like we did yesterday.”

“Hm.”

I have to bite down on my lip not to scream at him to stop being such an irritating child. During the last couple of weeks I’ve been dealing with him the best I can. He still has stuff to do like planning future events with his manager and even some off ice work to keep in shape (with no use of his foot, of course) and he’s even helping to train some children at the rink, but his amount of free time is still excessive, in his point of view. Most people would kill to be able to spend some hours doing nothing. However, during his free time, I’m the one who handles him and, sometimes, his bad humour. Of course I had classes to go to and stuff to study, but apart from that I’ve spent many hours trying to entertain him, trying to make him feel better, and there’s no thank you, no nothing... I mean, he has his ways of thanking me and showing that he appreciates what I’m doing, but sometimes he just gets on my nerves in a supreme way. Like right now...

But I know what’s happening today, why he’s more impossible than on the other days. He was supposed to be on a plane to Moscow right now, for the Grand Prix. Instead, he has to stay in London and he can’t even practise his programs. This is the reason why I know that if I don’t lose it today, if I don’t go insane, I probably never will. One thing that makes me be able to handle this is the fact that his moans and rants are not self depreciative or about self pity, which makes me admire him in a way. If I was in his shoes (or his skates) I would be immersed in a pool of self pity.

“Movies?” I mumble, my voice still thick.

“Not in the mood.”

“I don’t know what else to suggest.” I turn on my back with a sigh.

“I don’t remember asking you to.”

“You’re unbelievable...” I chuckle ironically as I get out of the bed. “And you’re taking my sanity from me.”

“You were never _that_ sane.” He sniggers. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help but chuckle at that, because I know it’s his way of saying something funny and almost tender in his own way. 

“Oh I just remembered. I’m going to play tennis this afternoon, you could come with me.” It’s my last suggestion, if he doesn’t like it I’ll give up.

“I’d really like that, but you know I can’t play... I’m amazed that you’re even asking me, Nurse Howard.”

Ignoring his last remark, I explain him that he got it wrong. “I meant to watch, get out of here for a bit.” He raises his eyebrow. “What’s the problem about watching a tennis match between me and a friend?”

“Oh... that.” Sitting up on the bed he shrugs. “Yeah, why not?” There’s a small smile but the look accompanying it... Well, I think I understand it. He’s going to watch me practising a sport, being active when he can’t. It must feel weird, but at the same time, he needs it. During the last couple of weeks he’s been having a glimpse of what it is to have a regular life. He told me that on the other times he’d been injured, he didn’t get away from the rink that much because everything he knows is there, or at least related to it. Now it has been slightly different. Even though he still has _ice stuff_ to do, and he does it willingly of course, he’s been spending a lot of time with me and even with my friends Mrs. McCarthy thanked me a million times on the other day. She said he was getting too focused for his own good and she was getting worried. Of course he has to practise hard, _too_ hard even, but Matt was barely resting... He wasn’t seeing anything else in front of him and beginning to get too tired and obsessed. So maybe this injury was for the best. I’ll never say this to him because he would rip my head off, but I just _believe_ he can do it despite the adversities and I think it’s good for him to slow down because in my point of view he was risking going to the Olympics exhausted.  Of course if this had happened a couple of weeks closer to that particular event, it could have been a disaster.

“Okay then. I’ll have a shower and then we can go downstairs for some proper breakfast, what do you say?”

“I’ve already had breakfast.” Of course...

“Well, I didn’t.” I wink and disappear into the bathroom.

*

This Saturday’s events are turning out into something surprising, that’s for sure. Matt actually enjoyed the day spent at the park, including the tennis match, but I never thought it would culminate this way.

Me, my friends and Matthew hanging around at a club. And especially, seeing him getting drunk.

Maybe I should stop him and make him go home. But he’s just too funny to watch. Well, not so funny right now because he’s flirting with a girl. Yes, a girl, a beautiful brunette. I should feel outraged by this, but he’s probably making an ass out of himself so I’m just going to sit and watch waiting for the time when her hand will collide violently with his cheek.

“You haven’t told me he’s bi!” Andrea says loudly but close to my ear so I can listen to her over the music.

“He hasn’t made up his mind, I think. But don’t get your hormones in gear, my dear.” I smile teasingly at her.

“Oh don’t worry, my friend’s boyfriends are female to me.” She winks. There it is again, the great b-word, for the second time. “But you’re not _her_ friend, so you’d better watch out.” She warns me nodding towards said boyfriend and his company. I narrow my eyes at the view. She actually has her hand on his hip! And he seems to be fucking letting her do it. “Matt cannot answer for his actions in that state so I suggest you interfere.” Part of me wants to wait to see if he would do anything... Would he? I know he loves to flirts when he’s in the mood to, but would he actually go forward with it after admitting that we’re truly _together_? “Oooohhh look at that... I’ll be right back. Or not.” She giggles. I believe she spotted some hot guy but I can’t take my eyes away from Matt. Please don’t do anything... I really do trust him, and I intend to keep my unspoken promise and don’t become a possessive bastard, because I know that freaks Matt out. And it kind of freaks me out too. But that doesn’t mean he can snog a girl behind my back. Well, in this case, in front of me! Even if he doesn’t know I’m staring.

But he’s done nothing so far... Actually, he just removed her hand, keeping his drunken smile nonetheless but still, that’s something. That’s when I decide that it’s about time to interfere.

He spots me just when I’m approaching and his grin goes wider. “Dom-Dom!!” He shouts over the music and the girl looks at me with narrowed eyes. “I was just telling Dionne about you!”

“Diana.” She corrects him just when I’m close enough to hear. 

“Dionne, this is Dom-dom.” He says before erupting into a fit of crazy giggles. It’s sad, really... But at the same time absolutely thrilling!

“Dominic.” I say extending my hand towards her.

“So funny! Both your names start with the letter D!” Matt continues his good-humoured banter while she briefly shakes my hand. She doesn’t seem drunk enough to find this situation remotely funny. In fact, she’s completely sober and was clearly looking for someone to hook up with. I don’t blame her for choosing Matt though, not when he’s wearing those tight black trousers of his.

“Yeah, very funny, Matt.” He nods, a little out of breath due to all the laughing and giggling. “Maybe you should go home, huh?” 

“Oh, the night is still young!” Diana exclaims, looking at Matt up and down. But he’s fixing his piercing (and drunk) gaze on me, so that’s what matters.

Suddenly, I’m not interested in going home, not at all. Taking advantage of Matt’s rare and free state of mind sounds strangely appealing.

“You’re absolutely right.” I smile at her. Then an idea sparkles in my head, and I simply can’t resist. “But we don’t do threesomes, sorry.” Her face goes from surprise, to rage, to insulted. Matt erupts in laughter again.

“Dom-dom likes to keep me all to himself.” He sighs dramatically. “He doesn’t know how to share, this boy.” He giggles putting one arm around my waist.  

“Okay...” Diana simply states, her eyes still wide, taking a step back. “I... I’m going to get a drink.” With that she disappears and I join Matt in his laughing.

“Selfish boy.” Matt murmurs, pouting.

“That’s me.” I say, fighting the urge to kiss that pout.

“Wanna dance? Shake that arse?” As he asks that, he does so himself, resting his hands on my hips. “Shake, shake, shake!” Well, I don’t dance. He knows that. And if he was sober, he probably wouldn’t either, not this willingly at least. Or maybe he would... I’m not quite sure to be honest.

“Matt, really... you know me better than that.” I can’t get drunk and let my inhibitions go because _someone_ has to take him home after this. Me.

“Andrea!” He shouts at the sight of her. Apparently her conquest didn’t go so well... “Dance with me!”

“Anytime, gorgeous!” Okay... she’s not that well either... She must have drunk a couple of heavy shots since the last time I saw her. Apparently I’ll have to take them both home since Adam is too engrossed with a girl and he’s probably going to leave with her.

Before I know, Matt is dragging Andrea to the dance floor and since it’s not really my type to stay alone in a place like this I follow them. Bollocks, I’m really about to dance. But they’re drunk... they’re moving like mad people, arms in the air and all, so there’s no one actually focusing on me.  I actually find myself having fun. And I feel like I’m finally having fun in the front row, not like someone who is simply dragged along like I used to feel before Matt came into my life. Of course Andrea has never made me feel that way, nor Adam or Scotty, but some people definitely have.

“Shake, shake, shake Dom!” Matt shouts and Andrea laughs maniacally as he does what he did earlier and puts his hands on my hips again to make me shake.

Even though I didn’t drink, I find myself completely entertained, and before I know, I’m actually _shaking_ just like those two.


	31. Chapter twenty-eight

December just arrived and with it came that familiar Christmas feeling. Even though I’m not that much into it, I’ve always loved the lights on the streets at night time. Inexplicably, it warms up my heart and puts a smile on my face, especially when I’m walking around alone. I can live without the Christmas music, in fact it sometimes get on my nerves, but the lights... they’re special. And when it snows, it feels like I’m walking around an enchanted place.

I’m still waiting for the snow though; hopefully we’ll have it this year. After all, what’s Christmas without it? Poor Australians and all those south hemisphere inhabitants... It’s a shame that Christmas takes place during summer over there. Yeah, I know I can have the most random thoughts.

On another, more interesting note, Matt is back on the ice. Finally. I mean, my mental health was seriously abandoning me. However it also served me like some kind of proof that I can handle him during these complicated phases and not only when he’s healthy and practising normally, so it had its positive sides. 

Next weekend, he’s going to a show in Paris. He was invited for several events but he only took three – one in Europe, one in Japan and the last one in America. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind doing more but he already lost too much time and although he needs to put the programs in front of the audience, he really needs more time to practise. Then in January there are Nationals and Europeans, where he’s going to compete before the Olympics.

I can feel that during the next couple of months I’ll hardly see him and I know that during most of the time we will spend together his mind will be elsewhere and his blue eyes won’t be focused on what’s happening, _on me_. But I also know I can’t blame him, I’m perfectly aware that he has to give everything to win the Olympics. After all, I knew what I was getting into when I got into this; he was already a top athlete to a sport I know too well. So I definitely can’t complain. And, of course, it is important _to me_ that he wins not only because we’re together and I want the best for him but also because I’ve been following the sport for too long, and I’ve been waiting for the time an English competitor will win such an important medal...

Sometimes I wonder what will happen if he doesn’t get that Gold Medal, and I’m sure Matt think about it every day, several times. Will I be able to be his anchor if that happens? I tremble at the thought and decide it’s better to simply live one day at the time. But what if he wins? He’ll turn into a superstar in skating world. I’m aware that if it happens, he can consider stop competing and tour around the world. That means that he will hardly be in the UK which makes me feel a bit uneasy.

I finally arrive at his apartment. Since he got out of the rink earlier this afternoon he called me to stop by because he was tired too go out. It’s his way of saying ‘I want to see you but I want us to be alone and just chill out’.

As I take one last look at the Christmas lights, I get in and make my way to the elevator. I find myself thinking that I could make this way with my eyes closed. Some people, including my mother, would say that I give too much to this relationship and Matt does too little. In fact, I can count on my fingers the times he went to my place by free will (not counting with those times when we were not together) and I come to his place many times every week. People would say that the fact that he’s an athlete shouldn’t be an excuse, but I do think it is. And as long as I feel that he’s as much into this as I am, and I finally feel that way, I’m okay with it. And I like the fact that we have a place to be alone, which would be impossible in the small apartment I share with my mates. When we feel like seeing other people, we go out, which we do whenever it’s possible, in fact.

Matt doesn’t take long to answer the door and his lips curl up slightly at the sight of me. Wordlessly, he leans forward and pecks my lips softly before stepping to the side to let me in and close the door.

“I didn’t catch you on the rink this afternoon.” I say turning back to him.

“Poor you.”

“How did practise go?” I ask, ignoring his last remark as I take my coat off and hang it on a chair.

“Fuck Dom, don’t you freeze with just a coat and a thin sweater?” He exclaims incredulously as he sees the simple layer of clothing that was below my black anorak.  

I frown at his outburst but quickly realise that he simply doesn’t want to talk about his practising. His mind is closed around it but he seems to want to talk about random subjects. At least for now.

“I’m hot, what can I say?” I grin and wink at him. Matt doesn’t understand how I can live without scarves, especially during the winter. I told him it’s not my style but he’s trying to be persuasive and change my mind. “You’re cooking dinner?” I ask feeling the distinct smell of tomato sauce. 

“Yeah, thought I’d prepare something simple.” Something simple reveals to be spaghetti Bolognese, something he loves but due to his diet he can’t eat it as much as he’d like to. “But I never told you that you were invited.” He teases but I merely chuckle at his words.

As I help him finish dinner, our conversation follows on the lines of Christmas and the lights in the streets. Matt is acting a bit weird tonight. I feel like there’s something he wants to tell me but doesn’t know how to. Or, worse than that, something he’s hiding and doesn’t want to tell me at all. He’s too quiet and not sarcastic like his usual self and I can tell he’s trying to hide that. Is it something related to the competitions, did something else happen? Or maybe it’s his family. I’m clueless!

“Hey, I want to ask you something.” Bingo! Well, at least it’s something he wants to share with me.

“Sure.” I lean back on the counter, my eyes on him as he adds something else to the pasta. 

“Do you want to go to the show next weekend?” My jaw drops slightly and I wonder if I heard him correctly. He’s asking me to go to Paris with him?! No sound leaves my mouth. “What? It’s a simple question, it’s just a weekend and it’s just to see the show. There will be no time to visit the city.” He defends himself. I don’t know why he’s acting like this, but, well...he’s Matt.

“Well, it’s... it’s...”

“It’s Paris, I know. But this is no romantic escapade, Howard! Don’t get your hopes too high.” I grin at his words. So that was it. He wants me to go with him but he doesn’t want it to sound like a romantic soppy little trip. If it was another city there would be no problem, but Paris has that special connotation.

“I wasn’t! But I’ve never been there, romance or no romance.”

“But there will be no time to be a tourist. I’m simply asking you to come with me to the show, since the other two are really far.”

I smile affectionately at him. “I know. And I’d love to, thank you, Matt.”

“You’re welcome.” He turns back to his task and my smile gets even wider. “But it’s a _business_ trip, and it’s just so I don’t go by myself.” He mutters under his breath. 

I feel like teasing him though.

“Are you sure there will be no time to visit the Eiffel Tower?” 

*

“Just look at this place... Do you always stay in hotels like this whenever you travel?” I know it can be seen as something rude, but I just can’t stop looking around, taking in every detail of the five star Parisian hotel. I’ve never been in a place that could come close to this one so I can’t help it. The receptionist is giving me a strange look, like she’s wondering what the hell I am doing here. 

“No, but the sponsors for the show this time are very good.”

We’re actually standing on a red carpet as she looks for our reservations. One room for me and Matt. In Paris.

“Howard close your mouth, you’re acting like a fool.” Matt mutters and smiles at the receptionist again. She finally hands us the key cards and wishes us a good stay. Her English makes me smile, I always loved that typical accent, it’s so unique, and the fact that they, French people, do nothing to hide it it’s even more amusing. 

It’s still Saturday morning and the show will only take place this evening, however, Matt wants to go to see the rink as soon as possible, because it’s important to him to get accustomed to it before the show. He also needs a few hours of rehearsal with the rest of the cast to learn the order of skating, practise the opening and closing and to try costumes too. In addition, he will also be interviewed by a sports channel, together with Joubert, I think. I’ve thought about going for a walk while he does that but what if I get lost? My French is terrible and I’m pretty sure not everyone around here knows English...

“If you get lost you can always call a cab, what’s the problem?” I shrug. I also wanted company... “It’s a great chance, Dom, better than hang out at the rink, I guess.” He rambles as he changes his clothes. 

“Yeah, I guess...” I sigh. “But the thought of going with you is quite tempting since Brian Joubert will be there.” I try to sound as serious as possible, and I also try to add a dreamy tone to my voice. Matt stops what he was doing and stares at me. I smile at him then, hopefully looking innocent, and then he ignores me as he searches for his tooth paste. “Damn fit, that guy.” I tease him further.

“Yeah, very.” Touchy, are we? This is so childish from my part, but it’s stronger than me. “Maybe you’ll have the chance to meet him tonight. And his _lovely_ girlfriend too.” He adds before retreating into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

I lay back down on the bed taking in the scent of the fresh covers and the room in general. This room, counting with the bathroom, is bigger than my apartment and it just smells so good, so neat! Getting up again, I pad to the window, to see what kind of view there is. The fact that there’s no Eiffel Tower on the horizon doesn’t disappoint me at all. I’m happy just to be able to look at Paris from here, at its beautiful architecture and patterns. I’ve never thought I would be in a place like this at this time of my life. How lucky am I? The thought that all this can be so ephemeral assaults my mind making me shudder. I don’t see this relationship with Matt like a fairy tale, far from it in fact, especially considering its beginning, but even nowadays there’s a lack of those big love demonstrations that characterize those soppy, lovey-dovey tales. However, in our own way, we’ve been... _happy_. And sometimes I fear I can lose that so quickly that I won’t even notice. Maybe I still need to work on my confidence, maybe that’s the problem and what makes me fear these things.

I’m so fucking attached to him, it’s scary.

“Okay, I’m leaving. Have you made up your mind?”

I turn back to him with a small smile. “I’m going to take a walk around the place and chill out for a bit. I’ll meet you there later on.”

“Good choice.” He winks, picking up his wallet and tucking it in his back pocket. “You can meet Brian later, anyway.”

I chuckle at that and he sniggers as he leaves.

*

The show was definitely bigger and, let’s say it, better than the one I saw in England, but... the other one was the first _and_ it was at Matt’s _home_. Only someone who knows him can identify the small, barely there, difference in his posture. Of course the audience was completely surrendered to him, but Brian got more cheers because this is his country. However, since this is a gala with no competition involved, you could barely tell the difference between the way the audience reacted to their performances.

Matt skated both his competitive programs, to test them in front of an audience, since he couldn’t do it at Grand Prix due to his injury. He kept his Por Una Cabeza short program and, for the first time, he performed “1812” by Tchaikovsky for the long program. He couldn’t use the whole piece of course, but he made a selection of the most dramatic parts of the music together with some calmer moments. I loved it, and by everyone’s reaction I’m not being biased.

After the show, Matt calls me to tell me where to go for the after party. I’m feeling nervous again, because this time I know even less people than I knew in London, and it was already difficult over there. Well, maybe what made me really nervous was the fact that Matt’s parents were there, and they’re not here now so maybe I should feel fine. But this is actually the first time that I’m attending an event like this one just with Matt. That’s what’s making my legs tingle, I’m sure.

I finally spot Matt who waves at me, telling me to come closer.

“Congratulations.” I whisper close to his ear as I get near. “Fantastic, as always.”

“Flatterer.” He chuckles, half teasing, half telling the truth. “Want a drink?” 

“Yeah, I’d like one.” I nod. I follow him to the bar, but we take several minutes to get there, because Matt is stopped at every step he takes by people who want to compliment him, talk to him or simply say hello. He actually introduces me to most people, but he simply says “This is Dom”. Something tells me that I should feel at least a bit outraged, but right now I don’t, not at all. It’s already such a big deal that I’m here with him... I can feel some people staring at me, wondering who I am and what I’m doing by Matt’s side. Maybe it’s a bit uncommon for them to see someone completely unknown around him, someone who probably looks like a close friend.

Someone I met just a few minutes ago, I think it was one of the choreographers of the show, joins us and waves slightly at me. At least he’s not ignoring me “How much did you enjoy this, Dom?”

“Oh, I loved it... And it’s great to be here in Paris.” He nods with a small laugh. I’m not sure if he’s going to be nosey or if his just a friendly person who actually likes to make small talk. By Matt’s relaxed posture, I can tell it’s probably the second one.

“If it’s your first time here you have to take a look around the city... Even if it’s just for a couple of hours.” I smile and look down, remembering Matt’s words from earlier.

“Yeah, that will be arranged tomorrow morning.” My eyes widen. I thought there would be no tour. So he was just trying to put all the romanticism away but in the end... We’re really going to visit at least a couple of monuments! This afternoon I just went to a small, Parisian café and to a near park. There was no time for more and I didn’t want to go further away from the hotel. “Just a small tour.”

We talk for a few more minutes while Monsieur Marceau gives us some tips about Paris and then we’re left alone.

“A tour?” I ask, raising my eyebrows at Matt.

“Just a small thing so you can say you’ve seen a couple of monuments here.” My smile grows wider and wider until my cheeks hurt. “No Eiffel Tower though.” What? The smile drops a little. How is it possible to do a small tour around Paris without taking at least a small glance at the most famous monument of the world? After a few seconds, he starts laughing at my expression. “Relax Howard... You’ll see the damn tower.”

“Good.” I say trying not to sound relieved and give him the impression that I knew it was a joke. I can’t fool him though.

*

I can’t exactly describe my excitement as I explore Paris with Matt. We just have a couple of hours but still, it’s a glorious feeling. It doesn’t have much to do with the Tower or Notre Dame or any other known monuments it’s the feeling that I’m in the most emblematic city of the world, sharing it with Matt. I know he will start moaning and roll his eyes if I make the smallest romantic comment, so I’m keeping my mouth shut.

The taxi stopped near the Tower and from this spot the view is out of this world. I wish we had time to go for a little trip in those boats on the Seine, it looks so refreshing. The Tower is exactly like the pictures I’ve seen, all that green surrounding the place – The Champ de Mars, the river, the whole atmosphere.

“Now it’s up to you.” Matt turns to me. I throw him an inquisitive look. “We only have time to do one of these things: go up there and see the city from there or take a walk around. It’s up to you.”

I grin, guessing that he already knows my answer. “Why walk if you can see it all from up there?” I ask nodding at the huge tower.

“Great! And we will take the chance to grab some lunch on the way back down.”

We practically run to the entrance, I can tell how excited Matt is, probably as much as I am. “Have you ever been there?”

He shakes his head. “No... I’ve been here before many times but I never had the chance to go up. Well, in fact it was more about not having the will. Long queues and all... not for me.” I nod, but I’m wondering how it is possible to not have the will to do this even with the queues. “Last year, Ann was here with me and Rose, that’s when I was closer to go up but then for some stupid reason Ann said she was afraid.” He chuckles.

“Vertigo?”

“Probably.”

We chose to go up in one go (though we had to stop on the first and second floors to change elevators) and get the full view and stop in the middle to have lunch in the way back down. It’s absolutely freezing! I wonder why it’s not snowing even... And with the altitude and the wind, it gets even worse. But I couldn’t care less, honestly. Of course the surprise factor I was aiming at is impossible... I can’t help but look at the view as the elevator climbs, watching as the houses and monuments get smaller and smaller. At the same time more beautiful places appear in the horizon and I beam in satisfaction as the Notre Dame pops up in the distance. Seriously, it’s like watching this city from space; it feels like I’m so close to everything but so far away and so detached at the same time! There isn’t anything in Paris that you can’t see from the Eiffel tower.

I’m not sure how long it took to get to the top, but surprisingly everything seemed too quick. Before I know, I’m following Matt out of the elevator and into the top floor. The view that greets me makes my heart beat faster. I don’t want to seem like I’m quoting a very well known movie but I feel like I own everything around me.

After looking ahead for several minutes, trying to take in everything since The Notre Dame, to Sacre Couer, Louvre, the Seine and just everything else, I look at Matt who is by my side, also with a marvelled expression. Even in a time like this, in the top of the Eiffel Tower, with Paris lying along below, I still can admire the way the wind hits his face, throwing his hair back as the sun makes him glow. When he senses me looking at him, he turns to me with a smile.

“Like the view?” He smirks, knowing that I got the double meaning of his question.

“Love it.”

Taking me by surprise, he grabs my hand and brings it up, resting our elbows on the handrail as his free hand rests upon our joined ones. I look forward again, feeling overwhelmed by his gesture and when he lets his head rest on my shoulder, indeed I feel like I can conquer the wonderful land that my eyes are taking in.


	32. Chapter twenty-nine A

Paris had been immense. It was just a small trip but it did mean the world to me. Of course Matt is trying to make it seem like it was no big deal at all, like it was just like one of our lunches or dinners in a small London restaurant.

Right.

Whether he wants it or not, what he did make me feel like I was special and wanted. Deep down I know how he feels and maybe one day he’ll say it out loud. But somehow, those gestures like holding my hand up there and laying his head on my shoulder meant more than a thousand words he could say in that moment. Especially considering this is Matt I’m referring to, who has a special ability to ramble on about the craziest topics. 

Back in London, I have to face Uni again and the approaching exams. Of course Christmas break will take place within a week and I’ll also have some time to relax at home.

“When will you take Matt to meet your parents?” Andrea asks me during lunch and I instantly choke on my food. “What? It’s a pertinent question...” She replies calmly. “And now with the Christmas feeling and all... maybe it would be a good opportunity.” I look at her as if she was the most insane people I know. Even more than Matt. “Oh don’t be ridiculous! I’m not suggesting you to ask him to spend Christmas Eve with you!” I relax a little... But just a little. “Just dinner on any other day, what’s the big deal? You guys went to _Paris_.”

“What does one thing have to do with the other?” I manage to ask.

“Everything! What did your mother say about Paris?”

I shrug. “She made a thousand questions that I could not answer because I wasn’t there as a tourist more than three hours!”

“What did she say about Matt taking you there? To the city of luurve?” 

“Nothing.” I continue to eat to see if she shuts up or at least changes this conversation.

“Dom, I’m only kidding here, you know that.” She smiles and I sigh, still wanting her to talk about other subjects. “And I’m jealous as fuck.” That makes me chuckle and that’s exactly the effect she wants. “What I mean is... Meeting family will happen someday and, though I agree you should wait for the right time, you should start preparing your parents. Especially your father.” I cringe slightly at that. “How are things with him, by the way?”

Sighing, I put my fork down, knowing that she won’t shut up until she has what she wants. Somehow I’m glad for it... It’s good to put it all out, even though I only do it when people, especially Andrea, insist. Even though I’m gay, I suppose I’m the typical bloke in that matter...

“He avoids the subject. Whenever me or my mother try to bring it up to see if he feels more at ease while we talk about it, he just tries to change the way of the conversation at every opportunity.”

“I was hoping that he would have improved by now...” I shake my head and look down. I know I need to give him time, but it’s been four months! Four months and he still cringes whenever something related to the fact that I’m gay pops up in a conversation. It doesn’t even have to be something to do with the fact that I’m in a relationship with another man. That fact is even more difficult for him to understand, because it’s the real proof that I’m not confused and still searching for an answer as he hoped I would be.

“Not really... Well, at least he talks to me normally and all.” I sigh. “As you see he’s not ready _at all_ to meet Matt. Neither are we ready to face families now.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.” She sighs. “How is Matt handling the stress?”

“Well... I mean, at least that’s what he tries to show. Some days are better than others.”

“Don’t forget your exams, do you hear me?” She says in that almost maternal tone that makes me smile despite sounding so authoritative for someone my age.  “Sometimes I think you’re dedicating too much time to support him and you’ll end up forgetting that you have to focus on this course as well...”

“Honey, I survived those June exams when my head was full of doubts and Matt treated me like I was just another affair. I will cope with the ones in January.” She chuckles and turns back to her food.

*

When I get to the rink later that afternoon, Andrea’s words come to my head reminding me that I need to talk to Mrs. McCarthy about my schedule for January. She’s usually very understanding, so she lets me have as many days off as I need. Of course my salary decreases a bit but that is perfectly understandable. 

“Hey!” I hear an unknown voice behind me, just as I pass through the cafeteria door to go to the rink, and turn around. He looks familiar...

“You’re Dom, right?” I nod, with a frown. He’s... He’s-

“I’m Brandon. Matt’s brother.” He says with a friendly smile as he extends his hand. 

I smile back and take it. “Nice to meet you.” This is strange... “How did you know my name?”

He laughs softly then, and I notice he does look like Matt when he does so. “Well, that’s obvious, isn’t it? But if you meant, how did I know it was you, well, I asked.” Is he here to talk specifically to me? If he is, I don’t see anything good coming from that. Well, Matt said that despite everything his brother was a good guy, and they actually get along well.

“I see... Well, Matt’s probably finished his practice, do you want me to call him for you?”

He shakes his head. “No, I can wait.” I want to ask him what he’s doing here, but I don’t have the nerve to do it. “I had to come to London for work and I decided to pay a visit to my little brother.” Ah, okay. But I’m still suspicious. “I also need to ask him a favour, but that’s a different matter.” He shrugs. It’s enough for me to gather the fact that the favour is not something simple. 

“Well, I... I need to get to work. It was nice to meet you.” We shake hands again and I turn around, still frowning and curious as hell. And worried. I hope that whatever he has to tell Matt doesn’t stress him even more than he already is.

He’s still practising when I get there which makes me sigh in relief. Maybe his brother will give up... Oh what am I on about? Maybe he just wants something simple like a place to stay while he’s in London! I need to stop being so paranoid about everything all the time. Relax Dominic!

Unfortunately, Mr. Kent calls me into his office which means Matt will probably leave without a word to me. But what am I thinking? He must know his brother is there, waiting for him! Brian must have called him.

Time goes by too slowly, because whether I want it or not, I’m worried. Very worried. After what seems like an eternity, Mr. Kent says that he doesn’t need my help anymore so I practically run from his office and to the zamboni. I need to do this quickly but right, because I know Mrs. McCarthy wouldn’t tolerate if I did any mistakes considering the ice.

I just hope today is one of those days when Matt chooses to stay in the shower forever, making some people go crazy because of the water he wastes. When I get to the changing rooms though, after finishing my work on the rink, I notice that no one is there. I wonder for how long... I keep telling myself to calm down, that this is no big deal, but my less rational side keeps telling me otherwise. 

When I finally make it upstairs I realise that I had not been wrong. From Mrs. McCarthy’s office, I can hear Matt’s hushed but angry tone. Fuck, this is not good, not good at all! I just hope it’s nothing serious, there’s a possibility that Matt might be making a big deal out of nothing. However, something keeps telling me otherwise.

I stay in a corner, waiting for them to come out of there. At first I thought Mrs. McCarthy was there with them, but now I don’t think she is, unfortunately.

One of them opens the door, Matt more precisely because I can hear his brother’s voice from deep inside the small room. “Come on, Matt! I’m your brother! And it’s not like you need the money now...”

So... he wants money. Damn it I hope he’s not drinking again.

“Ask mum and dad! They’re always eager to help you.”

“I can’t! You know that...” From where I stand I can hear Matt’s nervous breathing. He’s going to explode soon... His brother better stop talking.

“Do you know the tiniest thing about responsibility, Brandon? You’re 30 for fucks sake! Grow up!” For my relief, Matt leaves. If he stood there for longer this could go _very_ wrong.

Without thinking, I follow Matt, only catching him outside. “Matt!” He looks back but doesn’t stop walking to his car. “Hang on!”

“Not now, Dom.” He mumbles as he puts his bag on the back seat. 

“Did you know he was here? I wanted to tell you, he talked to me when I arrived. I didn’t even know him-“

“Dom! Stop! Really, you’re giving me a headache!” I stop and take a deep breath. I can do this.

“What’s going on?”

He breathes in and out deeply, his eyes closed, and only then he opens them and turns to me. “Not now... You need to put in your head that you’re not my rescuer. When I don’t feel like talking just respect that and leave me the hell alone!” And with that he gets in the car and slams his door closed. Before I know he has already disappeared from my sight.

What just happened? What was this? He just shut me out again... After everything we’ve been through, after confiding me so many facts about his life he just shut me out. I try to tell myself that he just needs time, that whatever his brother told him really upset him and now he needs to calm down before he’s ready to talk about it. However, I can’t deny that part of me was expecting him to let me into his car and take me to his apartment where he would tell me what happened after some angry sex session. That part of me believes that no matter what, he knows that I’m always here to support him, to listen to him...always here for what he needs.

Pathetic? Maybe... Especially because what he did was very _Mattish_ and I always told myself that I would do nothing to change him, because I learnt to fall in love with his personality.

Fall in love. Better not go there now.

I feel a strange sensation in my stomach. Deep down I know he’ll call me whenever he needs but...it also hurts to be left out in a moment like this. Somehow it reminds me of how it was all those months ago. Not during those times when he treated me like shit but after that... When I felt like he was physically with me, but everything else was so far away, so unreachable...

Without thinking, I make my way backwards. I shouldn’t do it, I’m pushing the buttons, but I want one last word with Brandon Bellamy. Just when I get there, he’s walking out, just in time for me to stop him.

“Hey! Brandon!” He stops in his tracks and turns to me. “What happened? Matt just stormed out, nervous as hell.”

“I’m sure that by now you know a lot about Matt’s tantrums. So why are you surprised?” He shrugs. He doesn’t know I listened to them arguing so he’s trying to make it seem like Matt just had a reaction like that over nothing. Well, even if I had not heard anything I would have known something was wrong. I know Matt better like that, possibly better than his brother.

“Because he has been pretty well lately... He obviously reacted like that to something you said.”

“Listen... Matt can tell you whatever he wants, but I don’t have to do it. In what concerns me, you’re a stranger so you can’t expect me to sit here and tell you about my personal issues.” His tone is actually calm considering the accusations, but still, I wasn’t expecting Brandon to be like this, not after Matt’s descriptions. Sure he is showing a lack of character by coming here to ask for money. And more than that, I probably did something very wrong; otherwise he would have no problems about talking to his parents about it. But still, I was expecting him to be more shy and submissive than this... Maybe he changed or maybe the situation is really desperate.

“Your personal issues are not my-“

“I supported Matt when he came out; I always did everything within my reach to compensate him from the loss he suffered when he was left behind here in London. But he holds a grudge against me.”

He’s trying to put things in another perspective to me. But I’m cleverer than that... I do believe him, in fact Matt told me the same, but that won’t make me suddenly think he has the right to come here and upset Matt like that in a time when he needs all the peace of mind that he can possibly have.

“I don’t care about that right now. I just know that you have no right to come here and do that to your own brother! He’s going through a level of stress that you can’t even imagine!”

He laughs then. “What do you know about me to say something like that?” He does have a point there... But I can’t let my guard down now, I still believe my words. “You know, like I said I’ve always supported him, but in one thing I have to agree with my sister: I’ll never understand why on earth he chose to make this his life.” He says nodding towards the rink. “I mean, jumping on top of an ice platform? It’s almost ridiculous...” At his last words I feel rage consuming my body and colouring my cheeks. I can’t even find words to answer him. “I understand that this is what he loves but...if the kid had found a decent, respectable and normal job, everything would have been much easier.”

“Well, that truly means a lot coming from someone as balanced and problem free as you.” I couldn’t help the bitter tone in my voice; in fact I didn’t want to. “I’m sure your mother is much more proud of Matthew than she is of you and your _respectable_ job.”

With that I turn around before I lose my mind. “Wait, Dom!” He has the nerve to call me again and when I look back he’s actually standing close to me. “I said that without thinking... I’m proud of my little brother. I wish we were closer but...” He shrugs looking down. Is he telling me this honestly or he’s just playing a game so I won’t tell Matt what he just told me? 

“You asked him for money, didn’t you?” His eyes widen at my words. They’re not blue, like Matt’s, they’re light brown like his father. “You should feel ashamed to tell me those things about him when you just asked him for money.” I turn around again and this time he doesn’t call me back.

I hope this doesn’t have serious repercussions on Matt’s practising... He once told me that he sometimes uses the ice as a relief and he often skates better when he’s angry. Let’s hope everything turns out right in the end.


	33. Chapter twenty-nine B

I can’t focus on what’s coming out of that woman’s mouth. In fact, I don’t even know why I’m here... This class is not mandatory and I’m not listening to anything she’s saying so this is a bit dumb from my part.

Matt ignored me completely yesterday. After talking to his brother I decided to give him some time to calm down and think about what he wants to do. However, I tried to call him after dinner but he didn’t pick it up. On the third call, he turned down the phone and I gave up. It’s been almost twenty four hours since the incident with Brandon and we haven’t talked yet. I could have tried again but now I’m the one being stubborn. I mean, if he’s avoiding me I’m not going to crawl after him, my self-esteem has increased in the last few months and I’m not willing to let it go down again.

But what if he doesn’t? No, he will say something when he’s ready. It would make no sense at all if he didn’t. Our relationship may be quite strange at some points but it _is_ a relationship, we have both acknowledged that.

When the class is finally over I storm outside to get some needed fresh air. I have a group work to do this afternoon for a presentation next Monday so I’m not going to work. That means that a chance to face Matt is out of the way for now. I hope I can stay true to my words and wait for him to make the first move, but I’m not sure if I’m going to hang on for too long if he doesn’t contact me soon.

My mind keeps wondering what is going on with him, both considering his brother and myself. I mean, I’m worried about what happened between the two of them and how that may complicate even more his relationship with his family, but I’m also worried about what he’s feeling towards me. Did his brother tell him about our argument and now Matt thinks I was being nosey? Does he think I should be keeping a distance until he told me otherwise? Is he simply not willing to talk to anyone? Or doesn’t he remember me at all in this moment? 

Am I not important enough? Where do I stand in the middle of all this?

Unfortunately I barely know the two guys I’ll be making the presentation with so this can reveal to be more difficult than I initially thought. To me it’s always kind of difficult to work with someone practically unknown but today it will be even worse because I’m not quite myself nor am I “sober” enough to work well.

As I predicted, time goes by too slowly, but after some dreadful looks in my direction I finally convince them that I’ll do a better job once I solve some personal issues and, then, I don’t mind finishing all the preparation for the presentation alone. They agree and I’m finally able to make my way home, checking my mobile every two minutes.

Finally I get home and it actually makes me feel better. Maybe I just need to rest... I didn’t sleep well last night and I think that now I’m suffering the consequences.

“You alright mate? You seem a bit distant...” Scotty asks after a few moments of silence while I fumble around the kitchen looking for something to eat. It’s easy for a roommate to see when you’re not okay; we’re so used to each others’ habits that it becomes obvious.

I merely shrug and pick up a yogurt from the fridge. “Christmas is in two weeks. I haven’t bought any gifts yet.” I try to change the subject and he chuckles shaking his head.

“Whatever, Dom.” But he doesn’t leave me alone. “Shouldn’t you... I don’t know, call him?” He shrugs.

I frown at him. What is he on about? I haven’t told him anything... “What?”

“I have no idea of what is going on between the two of you but it’s obvious that there’s _something_.”

“I’ve already called him. He switched off his phone so now I’m the one who’s pissed off.” I say in an angry tone. This is not Scotty’s fault, I’m aware of that, but I’m in a foul mood and if he doesn’t want an answer like this he should just stop asking these questions.

“I see... Well, if you need something...”

“I know.” I say in a more friendly voice. “Thanks.” One thing I really appreciate in male friends is that they never push you to say something you’re not ready for, however, at the same time, I have to admit that I value Andrea’s advice the most. I haven’t seen her today, which is good in a way because as much as I love the girl, I don’t feel like talking now. And this time is for real, is not like those times when I think I don’t want to talk but deep down I do; no, I really need to solve this out for myself.

*

By night time, I’m officially tired of waiting, so I try to call Matt again. Well... I think I already showed him some self restraint anyway. To wait more than one day would be totally unlike myself, and I can’t hide the fact that I’m...well, that I’m _me_.

It rings three times before he picks it up. “What is it, Dominic?” Dominic is a bad thing... Dom would be his usual; Howard would be him mocking me but Dominic... Considering we’re not in bed (or somewhere else doing something _pleasurable_ ), hearing him call me by my full name seems pretty bad. That added to his neutral tone is enough to send my heart racing.

“I should be the one making that question. Why are you ignoring me?” My voice sounds more high-pitched and worried than I intended. 

A long sigh from the other side. I can’t really decipher it, unfortunately. “I don’t have to give you explanations, okay?” He’s not yelling or sound rasp, but still, he’s ripping me in pieces with those words. Maybe he doesn’t have to, but doesn’t he feel the need to? Doesn’t he feel like talking with me could help? “I’m dealing with something as you know and I need to get through this. So if you don’t mind just... leave me on my own.”

I gasp at that, not believing his words. “Matt, your issue is with your brother... not with me.”

“You keep putting words in my mouth... I never said it was about you!” Now he sounds annoyed.

“Then enlighten me here, because I’m not understanding. Why are you asking me to step back?”

“Because this is not your business! This is my family, Dominic, and I know I have shared a lot of stuff with you but that doesn’t mean you can get involved. You shouldn’t have gone and talked to Brandon!” His voice is rising so he takes a deep breath probably in order to calm down. “Look Dom,” at least now it’s _Dom_ , “before this gets into an issue with _you_ , maybe we should just hang up.”

I gulp at the prospect of hanging up the phone like this. How will I face him when I see him tomorrow? And...how will we get through this when our relationship seems so fragile? Yes, we may have been in fucking Paris together but...I’m feeling so completely insecure right now. And I don’t even think he’s right! I mean, what have I done so wrong? And why can’t we continue with our normal lives while he sorts things out with his brother? I don’t get it. Usually people in situations like his rely on friends and boyfriends/girlfriends, but not Matt. The tosser wants to go through everything alone, and as if that wasn’t enough, besides pushing me away he’s also hurting me like hell with his words and manners. But why? He has no right at all to do this.

“I... This doesn’t make any sense...” As much as I wanted to plead him to just talk to me, plead him to meet me so we can talk for real, I can’t let him win this, not this one, so pleading is out of question. I wish I was stronger, I wish I could stomp my foot on the floor because, in my point of view, reason is on my side. Deep down I know I just need him to tell me that everything is still alright, or at least that it will be but he simply won’t, not in this state. However, I cannot let my guard down.

“Really?” It sounds like a bored sigh, like he’s giving up on this.

“Really, you prick! I’m completely clueless about what’s going on!”

“Stop it... You’re still so needy argh!” Silence falls upon us for a moment and my heart keeps pounding. Thoughts of breaking up, of a relationship that will always lack something invade my mind at full speed and intensity during that short time. Before I notice I’m already panting. I am in love with this guy, I’ve already admitted it to myself. We were doing so well... Stupid siblings of his! In every way. I think he senses my complete discomfort and even my weakness, but I need to act strong. For my own sanity.

“You can’t expect me to change so much, Matt.” I manage to say sternly. Well I’ve changed, I got to know him, I got stronger; a few months ago I would probably say that he was right, that I acted wrong, just so he wouldn’t leave me. But now I know much better than that. “And I don’t think I’m being needy at all. I’m having the reaction anyone in my situation would have. So stop fucking judging me as if I was acting like a psycho!” My voice is rising. I glance at the door hoping that Scotty won’t hear me but unable to keep it down anyway. However, I know try to calm down and just ask what’s been on my head for a while. “Why are you acting like this with me? What’s got into you?” 

A pause in his side lets me know that at least a part of him knows I have a point. But he’s stubborn as hell. “I’ve always made things my way; I’m used to it for years so stop this bullshit, okay? I’m not some silly girl who needs a shoulder to cry on and, yes, I may tell you what’s going on at some point, but only when _I_ feel like it, got it?”

“So it’s all about you, right? What I feel doesn’t matter.” I try to put in my head that he’s really upset and he’s saying things in the heat of the moment. The thing is, Matt sounds quite cold and collected and that’s what’s scaring me. Damn it, I know Matt, I’ve discovered the loving side of him over the last few months; he shared things with me that he never shared with anyone else. Somehow I know that he is getting into his shell again and sooner or later I think it will break like it did before. But it hurts so much... And yes, I feel that we can break up at any second of this conversation, because we’re truly getting on each other’s nerves.

“You’re the one saying it, not me.” And he always manages to turn everything around for his own benefit! 

Silence again. I can’t believe this... My rational side tells me that everything we’ve been through together was in vain because, in the first problem he has, he pushes me away. But other part of me tells me that isn’t the case. Matt just needs to hear some truths and he needs to realise that living isolated is never going to help him. 

“Why do you push people away like this, Matt? Why do you insist on being alone when you don’t have to? You think you’re so strong and independent and that you can do everything by yourself.” He doesn’t interrupt me. Even if he did I wouldn’t shut up, not now. “Yes, you’ve seen the world, you do something you love above all things and you’re good at it, no, let me rephrase that, you’re magnificent at it and respected. But where are your friends? Who can you count on when you’re going through something rough? Because, whether you admit it or not, everyone, including yourself, needs other people.” The next thing in my mind will hurt him, but I know I have to say it; I need to open his eyes! “Where is your family?” 

I can hear his gulp and then there’s silence. Complete profound silence. Maybe I went too far, but... He needs to start seeing everything in other perspectives and he was hurting me beyond belief with his words.

“Have you ever thought about this?” I’m sure he has. Many times. But he won’t admit it now... He won’t admit his grieve and anguish, his wish to have someone by his side and the battle he went through to get used to have no one. Now he needs to make the reverse battle. And I’ve already realised that he will only do it if someone, _me_ , says things like this to him, pushes him forward, out of his comfort zone.

“And yes, maybe we should stop this conversation here.” I finally say. Now it’s the right time to hang up because now I have the upper hand.

“I agree.” Shaky voice.

I sigh and press my thumb and index finger into my eyes until I see stars. It’s not easy to do this but it’s the only way. “Will I see you tomorrow at the rink?” The next time we face each other will be crucial, I can tell. Especially when we find ourselves with no one else around.

“Maybe.”

Can I kiss you tomorrow when I see you at the rink? Can we forget this mess and move on? Can you talk to me like you used to? Of course I don’t vocalize those questions. It would sound weak and even though I want to say that I’m sorry for what I just said I know I can’t do it.

“See you.” I say and hang up.

Hurt.

Strange feeling in my chest.

I sit down on my bed, grabbing the phone as strong as I can, as if I was taking some kind of energy from it, preventing me from falling to the floor. I try to take as much air as physically possible through my nostrils but still, it doesn’t seem enough.

I knew the situation was not good. I knew that Matt ignoring me was something I should get worried about. But the coldness he showed in the beginning of the phone call, the thick atmosphere? And the worst thing is that I don’t even know why he’s acting like this! I mean, yeah I had the feeling he would be upset, but shutting me out like this? Acting as if I’m not part of his life? As if all we’ve been through, all we’ve done didn’t mean anything?

My head is going to explode!

Maybe I should call someone, call Andrea, Scotty is in the living room, maybe I should talk to him, but all forces fail me. And honestly, I don’t feel like talking. It’s too soon for that, I’m too nervous to even form coherent words and sentences.

That moron... Why the hell do I have to feel this way for him? I should have seen something like this coming sooner or later. The truth is, Matt is too damaged and too used to be alone and do things his own way. He said it himself; he’s not used to have someone to talk to. Sure he has Jane but she had two daughters to rise and of course she gave priority to them, no one can blame her for that. And also, Matt never wanted to be a burden so I’m sure he kept most of his issues to himself. Surely he confided some things to Mrs. McCarthy and even Holly, I think, but never enough, never the worst parts. I’m sure he kept the real anguish to himself.

He’s still not completely used to have me around, especially when something like this happens. But maybe my words can make him think more clearly about his situation. If _we_ want this, we have to work on it together. Otherwise it will never be a balanced, healthy relationship and it will only hurt us both more and more. The happy moments will sound so _small_ , if things like this start happening... I need to make Matt see that he simply can’t tell me to get out of his life for a few days and call me back whenever he feels like it. It doesn’t work like that.


	34. Chapter thirty

Who said it would ever be easy? No one. So why did I try to convince myself that, once I got used to Matt, we would get along just fine. _Forever_. I was thinking like a teenage girl and not like a grown up man.

I’m just getting home from the rink, where I was expecting to exchange at least a few words with Matt, and I feel completely clueless. We saw each other, he was on the ice when I got there, he fixed me with his gaze, giving me some hope that we would talk once he was done but then nothing... When I finished my work he was nowhere to be found and when I asked, Mrs. Stone told me that she had seen him leaving.

Is this the beginning of the end? Well, at least he didn’t ignore me and I was so sure I had read him right this time... It really seemed like he wanted to talk to me. Maybe it was my own desperation playing tricks on me. My mind can be so cruel sometimes...

When I finally arrive home, I find Adam almost leaving. He smiles at me in an unusual way though. I can’t really decipher it.

“Matt’s in your room waiting for you.”

In a regular day this would make me jump up with excitement and start smiling like an idiot, today it only makes me gulp and open my eyes wider at Adam.

But I can do this. I have to.

At least he was the one who came to me, who looked for me, just like I had in mind. It’s a good start – he recognized that I was right last night.

“I’m on my way out.” Adam winks and grabs his coat from the hanger. “Good luck.” With that he leaves me in the middle of the living room, looking in the direction of my bedroom. I take a deep breath and make my way to the door. It’s closed. I try to imagine what he’s doing inside, if he’s just sitting on my bed or on my chair looking at nothing in particular, if he’s taking a look at one of my books, if he’s leaning against the windowsill staring at the streets below...

Not wanting to wonder any longer, I open the door slowly. 

The window it is.

We don’t say a word for a few seconds; we simply stare at each other, waiting for one of us to break the ice. To my surprise (well, luckily would be a better word) he’s the one to start talking, even if it’s just a mere “Hey.”

“Hi.”

“I chose not to wait for you at the rink because we need a private place to talk.” I simply nod and close the door behind me, even though we’re alone. “So...” He steps away from the window but leans his back against it nonetheless, his hands buried deep in his grey trousers pockets. His wearing his new deep green jumper, a colour I’ve never seen much on him.

“So... You’re the one that came here, you probably have thought of something to say.”

“Don’t push it, Dom...” Push?! “But no, not really... I just knew that I had to come.” He sighs and looks down. Okay, I’ll have to say _something_ or we’ll stay like this forever. 

“You shut me out completely.” I say in a low tone. I don’t want to start yelling or shouting...  “You made me feel like I was a piece of shit, discarded, left out of your life as if I had never been a part of it.”

“I was in no conditions to talk to you.”

“Do you know how you made me feel?”

“I needed time for myself.” 

“I got that two days ago, when you got in your car and disappeared. I understood back then. But what you said yesterday?” I scoff, sitting down on my chair. “I couldn’t believe it... I was clueless because you started attacking me out of nowhere when the only thing I wanted was to be there for you!” Against my will, my voice is raising, but it doesn’t affect his posture. He doesn’t flinch but it’s not like he’s standing there with his head up high anyway, his body is slightly curved for a while actually.

“I would call you sooner or later...” He finally faces me, looks into my eyes again. “You just needed to give me space.”

“I gave you more than twenty-four fucking hours! And even if that’s what you needed you could just say it instead of acting like a prick!” I’m losing it... I didn’t want to, but I’m very close to it now. I look down and sigh, trying to calm down. “Listen... I’ve always felt that I’ve given more to this relationship than you do, but I’m okay with it as long as I feel something from your part.” As I look up, I find his piercing blue orbs still staring at me. He has a questioning look and I know what he’s asking. “I did feel something special, otherwise we wouldn’t have made it this far. You’ve been lovely Matt.” He snorts at that and looks down. “You took me to Paris, you didn’t mind introducing me to your parents and you made me feel alright in front of them, you don’t _hide_ me at the rink, we have a great time together... But the first time we face some serious issue you do this!”

In spite of the harder things we had to deal with, this is actually the first time since we’re together that a member of his family upsets him so much. 

“You know I’m not used to just talking, to opening up to someone. And I’ve done that with you so you should value that!” He’s still trying to justify what he did somehow, but he knows it’s a lost cause. If he simply said that he didn’t want to talk in that moment, that we would do it on the following day that would be acceptable. But he went further than that, he lost his reason completely.

“I do. You showed me that you have no problems talking about your past with me, maybe because you can simply talk and I can’t interfere there. I just listen and it’s good for you to put it out somehow. But this is the present, Matt; it’s a whole new thing... I was expecting that you would let me live it with you as a whole and not only when we’re all happy or when you need someone to release your frustrations considering your skating. This is something much more serious.... This is your damaged family, in the present, and you’re not letting me be there for you.”

He looks down again but moves to my bed, sitting down on it with a heavy sigh. Silence falls upon us for a while and I let him think. Think about what I said, what he feels, what he’s going to say, what we’re going to do...

“You simply can’t let me be your boyfriend whenever you feel like it, when you want to have a good time or when you’re sad because you think you won’t be able to win the Olympics, and then forget I exist when it pleases you.” I say when I can’t stand the silence anymore.

His eyes find mine again and for a moment I have to fight a strong will to get up, take him in my arms and just ask for him never to do something like that again and so everything can be alright. But I know I can’t.

“I know.” It’s just a whisper, I almost miss it. But he said it, that’s for sure. “You didn’t... you didn’t deserve to hear those things I said yesterday...” I don’t know how he does it, but he’s actually saying this looking deeply into my eyes. He doesn’t look away like anyone else, including me, would. “I was rude and... a selfish prick, really.” He snorts, still boring his gaze into mine. “I don’t know how you put up with all this shit, how you still have the patience to listen to me, to _be_ with me.” Oh Matthew, don’t you know? “But I’m grateful. Very grateful.”

There’s a small silence again, because he seems to have said what he wanted and I don’t know how to answer to that.

“Sometimes I think that makes me a masochist.” I try to throw some humour in this but he merely smiles. “I’m glad you acknowledged that, though.”

“But this is how I am, Dom. And what you said last night made me think that maybe... maybe I won’t be able to stop hurting badly you from time to time, to say things like that, to shut you out! Because I’m not sure if I know how to be any other way.” He got up again, his expression troubled right now as he slightly changes the path of the conversation. We’re talking about the future now, I guess. I preferred if we stick to the present.

“Don’t be ridiculous, of course you do! And about the hurting... I guess that’s part of life and particularly part of relationships, isn’t it? People hurt each other, it’s normal as long as they know how to recognize their mistakes, apologise and move on. I don’t expect you to never hurt me again, and probably I will hurt you at some point too.”

His back is facing as he looks at the window again, but I can almost see a smirk forming on his lips at his next words. “When did you become so wise, Dominic Howard?”

I chuckle. “Since we started going out properly? You make my brains work a lot.”

“Part of me thought we would break up today.”

“I know the feeling.” I sigh; still not getting up to go to him. I want him to come to me instead.

“Brandon wanted money, that part you already know.” He starts talking out of the blue, still facing the outside world. “He’s not drinking again but for some stupid reason, he thought it would be a good idea to go to a casino to test his strength.”

“What?!” 

“Apparently he wanted to know if he’s able to be in a place with alcohol and gambling and act like a regular person, with no addicts.” 

“But was he a gambler too?” Now I’m confused.

“No! Not that I knew anyway, but... no. I don’t think he has ever been in a casino before.” He turns to me again, leaning against the window. “His limited brain just thought it would be a nice idea to go there.”

“And he wasted his money.”

“And got in debt.”

“I see...” I still don’t know why he was so reluctant about telling me all this sooner, especially since I already knew about his brother’s adventures... But I don’t say that out loud, I just let him talk.

“So he comes here out of the blue, saying that he needs my help, that he’s desperate. At first I thought it was something related to his wife, but then he says this... I lost my mind. I mean, how is this even possible?! And to my surprise, he was all demanding and practically saying that it was my obligation to lend him the money!”

“Yeah, I was surprised when I talked to him, as well... I was expecting him to be more introverted, more submissive I guess.”

“And he used to be! There was a time when I felt like if I told him to jump from a bridge he would! Not that I liked him to be that way... It got on my nerves so badly; it was such a lack of personality... But now he seems changed, since he got married there’s been some change but now think it was for the worse.”

He’s pacing around the room now, and that was the kind of behaviour I expected him to have straight after he talked to his brother, not two days past that occurrence. 

“Have you already decided what you’re going to do?”

“I feel like I have no choice...” He looks defeated. I can tell he’s been thinking about this nonstop, and about us too; I wonder how his practice went today... Well, at least, in what concerns me, things between us are about to get back to normal. I already put out what I wanted and he already admitted he was wrong. There’s just something else I’d like him to say...

“How come? It’s up to you to decide.”

“I hope so... But he won’t ask our parents, and that I understand. They will be disappointed beyond belief and as much as I think that’s what he deserves, I don’t want to do that to my mother. She would be so depressed... Then there’s Cath, but she would tell my parents immediately so that’s kind of the same thing, really. So that leaves me...”

It’s a tough decision. It’s against his principles to lend money to his brother for gambling purposes but at the same time he seems not to have much of a choice. It’s either that or everything will lead to his parents being hurt again by their own son. But maybe everything should be put out in the open anyway. They need to know exactly what their son is made of, as much as that may feel like they’re being stabbed in their chests.

“Doesn’t he have friends?”

“Trustable ones? I don’t think so...” 

“When will you let him know about your decision?”

“Monday.” That means, in three days. “I wonder how much his wife knows about all this. Sometimes I think she doesn’t know what she got herself into by marrying him.”

“If it’s like that, probably it won’t last long.” That makes me think about my situation with Matt. Yeah, I think I knew what I was letting myself into. That’s probably why it’s working, even after something like our conversation last night. But he still needs to say something about it that will make me feel more at peace. Because despite him telling me all this and admitting that he had been wrong, there’s still an invisible barrier between us.

“I feel like if I do this, he will think I’ll do it again.”

“Maybe your parents should know...” He frowns at me, clearly not expecting that. “And I think they know their son, perhaps they wouldn’t be that surprised. And it’s Christmas and all... they would forgive him and they would know what to do. They put up with so much shit from him, they’re able to deal with this.”

“I get what you mean, but I just feel like sparing them from another mess.”

“Hey, they’re the parents!”

“I know Dom, I know! I’ll think about it...”

“Good!” I smile. Now what? I bite on my lower lip and look down.

After what feels like an eternity he finally speaks. “There’s something else I need to say.”

I look back up at him to find him staring at me with the same intensity he did before. “Yeah?”

He takes his time, but eventually the words leave his mouth. “I’m sorry, Dom. I’m so sorry.” I gulp, feeling like the barrier I mentioned is finally falling down. “I’m sorry.” He repeats just above a whisper. I can’t help but think that he doesn’t say this words many times.

“It’s alright.” I eventually say and get up, my eyes now levelled with his.

“Thank you.” Now I can’t take it no more. I close the distance between us and take his face in my hands, my eyes never leaving his. My fingers caress those unique cheekbones as my gaze travels down to his awaiting mouth.

Slowly, he leans forward until our lips touch. At first, it’s tentative and soft, as if it was a first kiss or as if we were very inexperienced. But then, when we both realise that there’s nothing to fear anymore, it becomes explosive. Matt’s arms circle my waist, grabbing my back, my sides, my bottom, whilst my own hands run wildly through his hair and along his shoulders, cheeks, neck...

Yes, there’s no barrier anymore. I feel like this was another step in the right direction.

When we slowly break the kiss, mainly because we’re out of breath, Matt keeps me close and smiles leaning his forehead against mine. “I’m glad you gave me a second chance.” He breathes out. “Or maybe it’s the third, or fourth, I’m not sure.”

I chuckle and lean back. “You’re lucky that you’re so irresistible.”

“And good-looking.” He teases.

“And funny sometimes.”

“And good in bed.” I chuckle caressing his cheek.

“Wait... how did this turn into a conversation about your rare virtues?” I frown, leaning back slightly. “You should be the one singing my praises!” He raises one eyebrow, giving me his ‘oh really?’ look. “Go on please...”

“I don’t remember anything right now, really...” He tries his best to look and sound innocent. I’m so fucking glad we’re already acting playful...it means the world. “Care to refresh my memory?” I give him my best outraged expression and shove him down on my bed (careful enough so none of us will hit the upper bed with the head), tickling him until he begs me to stop. He laughs hysterically beneath me until he finally can’t take it no more. “Stop, Dom! Howard! Stop! Please!”

“That’s better...” When I stop I sit up and let him regain his breath. HE wipes the tears from his cheeks and stares up at me, still panting.

“What was that for?”

“I was demonstrating one of my qualities: I know how to make people laugh!” He throws his head back, laughing even more. “See? I just did it again.”

When he calms down he leans up and circles his arms around my neck. “And you’re a great kisser.” He kisses me slightly before looking back at me. “And you’re one of the most patient people I know. You’re loving and you’re always true to yourself.” He pecks my lips again but I’m too dumbfounded to respond. “You’re a great friend, who listens without judging and a great lover...” He kisses my neck and leans back again. “And you’re a great tennis player!” He tries the joke and chuckles but I’m too focused on is other compliments. 

“You really mean all that?”

“What do you think?” He snorts, still caressing the hair on the back of my neck. “And you also have fantastic soft hair.” I chuckle and look down, still overwhelmed. “Beautiful grey eyes and your mouth...” he traces my lips with his fingers. “Such full lips for a man, I adore it.” I trace my own mouth with a frown, I’d never thought about it that way. 

There’s a small silence during which he seems to be admiring my face, his fingertips tracing here and there as his eyes travel from one feature from the other. He has done this before, without the talking of course, but I’ve felt him admiring me in the past, especially after sex and it always felt marvellous. Nothing can compare to what it feels now though, when he’s actually saying it out loud. I mean, I’ve gushed about him many times...

“So I seem have tons of qualities.”

He chuckles “it seems like you did refresh my memory.”

“I’m glad I did it.”

“Me too...” He turns serious again. “Dom, you know how I feel about you, right?”

I frown at him. “I guess... Why are you asking?” 

“Because... I know I’m not that transparent and I want you to know that... that I really like you.” I instantly smile widely. Yes, I think I had realised that, if he didn’t feel that way we wouldn’t be here, but like when he was complimenting me, to hear it from his mouth gives me such a great joy... “Dom... your face is going to break in two if you smile just a little bit wider.”


	35. Chapter thirty-one

Christmas has come and gone and it felt good. It was good to see my family again, especially those members that I don’t have much contact with right now, due to the fact that I live in London. One of my cousins has a baby daughter, Helen, and she’s the cutest thing ever! So little but so beautiful... I don’t think I had ever held such a little baby before, it was weird, I was so afraid to break her or to let her fall to the floor... Stupid, I know, but I just never had much contact with small children.

Anyway, I’m back to London for a while and I’m really stressing out because of my exams. I’ve done three and to be honest, I haven’t studied that much, despite my promise to Andrea, and now I’m actually worried about it. I still have time though... At least if I could manage that time successfully... I just need to concentrate and stop thinking about a certain person in those moments when I should be reading my books and paying attention to what’s written in them.

Speaking about Matt, I’m actually on my way to the airport to finally see him after a week of total absence. I mean, phone calls aren’t exactly the same thing, are they? He’s finally arriving this morning from Tallinn, Estonia.

I’m on the underground to Heathrow and I can’t help but keep the happy smile on my face. I ignore my rational side that tells me that I should be at home studying, because I simply know I had to come. The fact that I missed him like hell is not the only reason... It was just a week after all.

But I want to be the first person in England to greet the European Champion. 

I’m so, _so_ proud of him, of what he achieved. I talked to him on the phone shortly after the medals ceremony and he was completely ecstatic. And so was I. I mean, I had just seen my Matt in the podium, getting a Gold Medal, posing to take pictures with it and shining with happiness. His eyes were sparkling so much that I’m sure no one was indifferent to them. His whole posture, gestures, moves irradiated an internal bliss. And then when the National Hymn started playing on the background, his eyes really brimmed with tears.

His performances were amazing. Especially the long program. The short program was good, the audience loved his tango, but he made a mistake on a spin and by the end he was in second place but very close to the first. He knew everything was out in the open and he was actually calm and confident when we talked on the phone shortly after all his competitors finished their programs. Yes, after he skates, Matt has to see it all till the end, maybe he shouldn’t, it’s not good for the nerves, but he insists and Rose already gave up telling him that maybe it’s not a clever idea. At least he doesn’t watch the ones that skate before him, that could be dangerous... Anyway, Joubert ended up in first place after the short program but they were pretty close to each other, so everything was possible. But after Matt’s long program, although his main rival still had to skate, everyone knew that it would be very difficult for anyone else to take the Gold Medal home that night.

I read some on-line news today and many reporters and fans referred to it as his most artistic performance ever. Indeed it had been. And not only that, he landed the quad, just like he wanted, but it wasn’t by any means the highlight of the program. Matt is known not only for being a perfectionist but also for the passion he demonstrates while he’s on the ice. And with Tchaikovsky’s “1912”, he took it to yet another level. He had shown it at Nationals, that I watched live since it took place in London, but of course he hadn’t shown it all. Which makes me believe that at the Olympics it may be even better. Well it’s hard to believe to be honest; I just hope it is at least the same.

It kind of reminded me of his long program at Worlds last year, how he showed to everybody what he was capable of after failing the short program due to the stomach flu. But this was different, this was the real Matthew, the great skater, the perfectionist athlete, with no health problems. There was nothing in the way of his immense talent this time.

Anyway, the train finally gets to the airport and I get out eagerly, almost tripping over someone’s large suitcase. I apologise briefly and follow the indications to arrivals. When I get there, the board indicates that the plane will arrive in ten minutes. That added to the time he may take to collect his luggage and the check out thing, probably means that I’ll have to wait for about an hour if I’m lucky.

I decide to go to the cafeteria because I got out of home in a hurry and I barely ate my breakfast. Trying to get distracted, I look around, observing people getting reunited after spending some time apart. It’s kind of overwhelming actually. One of my friends from Teignmouth used to say the he loved to go to airports just to observe people. I used to think it was a bit freaky but now I think I can agree with him. It’s a bit like when I return home to my parents, my mother always has an extra glint in her eyes, like most people in this place have.

Even though this is all very nice, I can’t help but keep glancing at the board every couple of minutes. It’s like I’m doing a countdown. I wonder if his parents or someone else will be here when he arrives. I doubt it though... Not because they don’t value it but, Cambridge is not around the corner...

After half an hour at the cafeteria, I get up, realising that staying here, looking at the board won’t make time go by faster... So I get up to take a walk around, but of course I can’t help but keep checking my watch.

Finally, the board says that the plane has landed, which means that he’s already near, probably collecting his luggage. Instinctively, my right foot keeps beating the floor, showing my impatience to everyone who takes a second look at me. Suddenly I notice three young girls carrying cameras, whispering and giggling excitedly. Could they be Matt’s fans? I smile and take a few steps closer to listen to their conversation, trying to make sure that I’m not imagining things. 

Clearly Matt’s fans.

I wasn’t really expecting this... I mean this is only the Europeans. And this is the U.K., not Japan. Chuckling, I go to my original place, even though I don’t know if I will restrain from running to him and hug the life out of him. It’s not totally appropriate, even though I know Matt wouldn’t be mad, but I think it will be better if I wait a little, until he doesn’t have so much attention centred on him.

Even though figure skating is not that popular here, Matt is getting more and more recognized. He appeared a lot in the news due to his victory yesterday, and even before that, there have been many reports about him on some sports channels, just like any other successful English sportsman. Of course no other sport will be as recognized as football in this country, but there are some TV channels which are more dedicated to other sports. 

Another half hour passes and now I’m getting truly impatient. Maybe I shouldn’t have come so early... I should have waited a bit more at home and maybe try to study at least a little bit.

Just when I’m about to sigh deeply again, I notice Mrs. McCarthy passing through the glassy, automatic doors and my heart beats a bit faster. A couple of fans seem to recognize her and they instantly know that Matt must be getting out too. After about one minute the moment I have been waiting for arrives and my eyes spot Matt.

Just by looking at his face, even from the distance, I can tell how happy he is. He smiles wide as the fans approach him and signs some autographs, takes pictures, not once complaining or finding excuses to leave. In fact I think he’s enjoying the attention. I can almost say that I’m waiting patiently; in fact I quite like to see him doing this. One of the girls also asks James and Ann for autographs and they’re only eager to give them. When the fans let go of them (well, when Mrs. Bowell manages to tell them that they need to get home and rest) and they start making their way out, I take that as my clue to approach them.

He’s completely unaware of my presence, but he’s actually looking around and I believe he’s wondering where I am. Yes, I had told him I’d be here. Ann sees her parents and rushes to them; she qualified for the long program and she’s facing that as a victory. James is also happy about his qualification and he ended up on the first twenty. It was a pretty good Championship for the British team by the way, once Sinead and John Kerr – the ice dancers – won the Bronze Medal for the second time in Euros. Two medals for the UK in figure skating is very, _very_ good when compared to the last years. I mean, before last year, when the Kerrs won the Bronze Medal and Matt won Silver at Euros, it had been about 15 years since the last medal for Great-Britain! 

When I’m close enough, Matt finally spots me and smiles. I’m not in the mood to hide my emotion, and luckily neither is he, so I simply take him in my arms, hugging him as close as I can, wrapping my arms around his neck.

“Hello Champion!” I whisper in his ear, stealing a chuckle from him. “Welcome back.” He encircles his arms more strongly around my waist for a few seconds before letting go of me. “Pleasant trip?” I ask.

“Oh please Howard, we’re _not_ going to talk about the flight!” I laugh at that shaking my head at him.

“Right... Where’s the medal?” With a huge smile, he buries his hand in the pocket of his long black coat and takes out said item.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” His voice is shining with pride. I take it in my hands, examining it, running my fingers across its surface. It’s a pretty small medal, but yes, it is beautiful and I know how much it means to him. “I think I’m going to call it Goldie!” More laughter leaves my body, this time even stronger than before. “What? I think it’s a pretty good name!”

“It’s a marvellous name.” I say when I calm down. I sigh and bite on my lower lip. He gives me a questioning look and, without any warning, I hang the medal around his neck and he snorts. “You look great with it.”

“Sorry to bother your moment, but we better go.” Mrs. McCarthy tells us. I smile at her, finally greeting her, Mrs. Bowell and James, and nod.

“I agree, I’m starving here...” James complains with a teasing tone. 

Taking me by surprise, Matt grabs my hand and entwines our fingers, his free hand carrying the trolley behind him. I’m a bit taken aback by his action, we’ve never held hands in public before, except that time on top of the Eiffel Tower but that was different. That was a one moment in time; this sounds more like everyday’s life, like a routine gesture, something that every regular couple does.

I look at him and smile; he merely nods and looks ahead as we make our way outside.

*

“Congratulations Matt! Where is it? Can I hold it?” I don’t think it is possible for Andrea to look more like a fan girl than she is right now.

“I left it at home.” Her face falls slightly, even though she’s just as excited as before. Matt chuckles. “I’m kidding!” She beams clapping her hands as Matt hands her the medal.

After we left the airport, we got in a taxi and went straight to Matt’s place. During the whole morning and the beginning of the afternoon, Matt and I ‘celebrated’ his victory; he even opened up a bottle of champagne for us. Those were blissful moments... I can tell he was tired, he still is, but he doesn’t want to fall asleep, not just yet anyway, he’s having a blast.

So, about 2pm we had lunch at a small restaurant and then Andrea called me, wanting to congratulate him. I passed my mobile to Matt so she could talk to him, and when he handed it back to me he had already organized some kind of a meeting with her and the guys, at my place in about an hour or two. I didn’t mind it at all, we already had an entire morning for ourselves and I love to see him in the company of my friends anyway. They’re getting closer and closer and I think it is possible that in a near future Matt will be able to truly call them _friends_. Especially Andrea.

“Oh Matt I’m so proud of you...” She says letting her fingers run through the golden surface like I had done at the airport.

“So I take it you like little Goldie!” Andrea giggles looking up at him. 

“Man... you named the medal.” Scotty tries to sound appalled. “That’s not healthy! Believe me...”

“Who cares?!” Matt shrugs chuckling. It’s the most important of his career so far, you moron. 

“No one. Give it to me Andrea!” Matt chuckles as Scotty takes the medal from her hands and she gives him a menacing glare. “Congrats mate.” Scotty smiles at him. I make my way to the kitchen to get some drinks, but I can’t help to turn back with a smile when I see them clapping each other’s backs in a friendly hug. Then it’s Adam’s time so when I get back, I find Andrea introducing him her special guest.

“Matt I managed to get a boyfriend while you were away. This is Robert. Bob for short.” She chuckles, grabbing Bob’s hand. I met him two days ago, shortly after they started going out properly. They had been seeing each other for a while but things only got serious very recently. He seems like a nice guy; I hope so anyway, if not, if he hurts her, he’ll have me to deal with. Even though he’s almost twice my size... 

“Nice to meet you.” Matt says politely.

“You too. I must admit figure skating was never my thing, but congrats anyway.”

“Cheers!” 

“Now you can get us a gold medal at the Olympics.” 

“I promise I’ll think about it.” Matt chuckles, good-humoured.

Conversation flows easily but, except for Matt, we’re all students here and we’re all in the middle of the exams period. So, after an hour or so, Andrea says that she has to leave and return to her study sanctuary unfortunately and Scotty says he has his stuff in the library so he has to leave too.

Adam usually studies at home but today he’s going to join Scotty so that leaves the house to Matt and me. Well, it’s not like I can use this opportunity like I wanted to because I’ve already lost too much time that I should be spending in front of my books. I don’t regret it at all, I would do it again if I could, but now I really need to do something, even if it’s just for a couple of hours.

“I hate to say this but I really have to sit down and read.” I sigh.

“Of course you have to! And you’ll pass every single exam with a good grade.” I snort and walk into my bedroom, turning on my lamp light. “If you don’t mind I’d like to stay around. But I know I’m too much of a distraction, can’t blame you can I? So if you prefer to be alone just say so.”

I smile and nod. “It’s alright. More than alright.” I peck his lips and he smirks, leaning forward to circle his arms around my neck with a sigh as I lean back against my desk. He needs to face the process of coming down to earth again because he needs to continue his preparation with even more focus and dedication. As happy as Matt is and regardless of how important it is to finally get a Gold Medal in one of the most important international championships – it’s the Olympics he is looking forward to. 

He leans back placing a hand on my cheek, his eyes now serious. “I can do this... you agree with me?” I smile and nod, placing my forehead against his, my arms still around his waist. He’s already sensing the pressure he’ll have to put up with during the next few weeks, until it’s finally time for the big event. Questions will flow mercilessly around him: will he be able to skate that well at Olympics? Has he peaked already? Will the victory give him more confidence? Is he the favourite? Will he _win_?

He needs his rest now though, so I disentangle myself from him, because I need my study too, and no more words are necessary.

Without even asking for permission – he doesn’t have to anyway – he takes off his shoes and climbs up the ladder to the upper bed of the bunk. “Goodnight Dom.” He murmurs, even though it’s still afternoon, getting comfortable up there.

I chuckle and take a deep breath. Courageously, I open my book and start reading, trying to memorize the greatest amount of information possible.


	36. Chapter thirty-two A

Vancouver.

I’d never thought I would be flying over this city, almost landing, at this time of my life. Well, it’s not like I planned it for when I was middle aged or something either. It’s fantastic to figure out these surprises that life brings to everyone. To me in this case. 

“It’s rather beautiful isn’t it?” Matt asks close to my ear, peeking over me since I’m the one sitting next to the window. This has been by far the longest flight of my life and I have to admit I was a bit afraid at first, but I relaxed almost as soon as we took off. I couldn’t sleep though; I’m not sure if it was because of the exciting, the subconscious fear or simply because I enjoyed looking at the Ocean, watching the sunset and stuff like that. It’s about ten o’clock in Vancouver so it’s night already and I’m mesmerized by the city lights beneath us.

“It’s...big! So many lights, it’s incredible.”

“It was a shame that we didn’t get to fly at night when we were in Paris; they don’t call it the city of light for nothing.” He chuckles. The bastard slept almost through the entire flight! I didn’t do anything to wake him up anyway, but that meant I had to simply stare at the immense Atlantic Ocean since I had no one to talk to. When we land we’ll go straight to the hotel anyway, so I guess I’ll have plenty of time to sleep during the local night time. 

“Maybe we have to return then.” I say cheekily, looking at him and winking. Matt shakes his head and chuckles, his eyes turning back to the window to stare at the city lights. He sighs deeply and I instantly know what’s in his mind. Well, nothing else has been in his mind for the last few weeks anyway. This is it. _The final destination_. It may sound quite fatalist but that’s how Matt’s looking at it. Sure there’s still Worlds, and possibly more seasons ahead of him but this maybe his only chance to win the Olympics. He will be twenty-five during the next games; it’s not old but in skating four years is a lifetime and who knows what will happen until then. There’s the possibility of injuries, there will be plenty of _hungry_ figure skaters, with a lot to give, so this is kind of his only opportunity. At least that’s how he sees it. This season, he’s the young, _hungry_ skater, who believes he can win and conquer the world.

“We’ll be landing very soon.” He murmurs. He means _I’ll have to face everything very soon_.

“Come here.” I extend my arm around his shoulders as he automatically shifts closer to me and lays his head on my shoulder, still staring at the city, even though he’s not thinking about the beauty of it from up here. “Thanks for asking me to come with you.” I finally say. 

“It’s for my own good. You know I’m selfish, I wouldn’t ask you just for your own pleasure.” He snorts and I just chuckle at his words, trying to bring him even closer.

He caught me by surprise, actually. Secretly, I was hoping he would ask, but when he finally did, I couldn’t believe it. I mean, it’s one hell of a thing to come to a faraway country like this to support him. And I’ll get to watch the games live and all. I have to admit that I would have gone crazy at home, always wanting to know how he’s dealing with pressure, if he’s hanging on well, how he’s truly feeling... Because I know he’ll always be fine in front the cameras and even on the ice, his appearance won’t let out one tenth of the nervousness he will be feeling inside. Matt truly is the phantom of the ice, he wears a thick mask and only during moments like Worlds last year people get a glimpse of the real him. Maybe here in Vancouver, if he wins, the audience will have the pleasure to see the real Matthew Bellamy again, more strongly than ever.

*

When we arrive at the hotel it’s already past midnight, but it’s early morning in the U.K. so the jet-lag is already having some effect on us. Anyway, since I didn’t sleep in the plane I’m pretty tired, so I could really use a nice comfy bed right now.

Unfortunately Matt and I cannot share a room this time. I mean, I totally understand, I know that if it depended on him he wouldn’t mind at all, but his coach wouldn’t approve for sure. It’s not like she doesn’t trust us but she doesn’t want to risk anything, he has a strict schedule to follow. Mrs. Bowel didn’t mind at all that I came along, in fact she seemed quite happy about it, probably because she thinks I have some kind of a positive effect on Matt and she also knows that he will have his ups and down while being here and I may help with that, especially with the downs. However, when we were discussing rooms she gave us that look and we didn’t even discuss it. Maybe it’s better this way though, there’s no temptation. It’s very uncommon for athletes to share rooms with significant others while on competitions; they usually stay with another member of the team though or alone if they prefer so. Also, it could bring up suspicions, because the press is centred on Matt right now and it’s not the best time for that...there will be many gossip as it is. I’m pretty happy with our quiet life, away from the public eye.

So, Matt’s going to share a room with James and I’ll stay in my own single room, which at least is on the same floor.

“You look like you could fall asleep on the middle of the corridor, Dom.” James says amusedly as the three of us make our way to our respective rooms.

“Believe me, I could. I should have made an effort to sleep on the plane. I don’t think I’ll be able to wake up early tomorrow.”

“I told you so.” Matt remarks. “408, that’s us.”

“Right.” James quickly opens the door with the key card and turns to me. “G’night, Dom.”

“Good night.” He disappears into the room and I turn to Matt with a tired smile. “And you...” I grab his hand pulling him closer to me, his suitcase forgotten behind him. “Sleep tight.” I whisper against his lips before kissing him leisurely. 

“You too.” He says as we pull apart. “Wish I could go with you, but-“

“Hush. I know, Matt.” He smiles and nods leaning forward to peck my lips. “See you tomorrow.” He winks and steps back, grabbing his suitcase.

“Yeah, see you.” He winks and gets into the room, closing the door behind him. My room is a few doors ahead, so within a few seconds, I’m already inside it. It looks quite good for a hotel room. With a thud I sit down on the bed and distractedly run a hand over it. It’s good to be here...

Despite my tiredness, I feel the need to take a shower unpack a few things now, at least the items I need in the bathroom and some clothes for tomorrow. I turn on the TV to have some background noise while I do that. It’s kind of a news channel but that doesn’t really matter. Since I was little I always disliked total silence, so it’s quite common for me to turn on the TV on a random channel while I’m doing something else.

Suddenly, something catches my attention and I completely stop what I’m doing to glance at the TV. It’s kind of a debate I think, there’s an interviewer and three men around a table and they’re discussing the Olympics. Luckily they’re speaking in English, Vancouver’s first language, and not French. Right now they’re discussing snowboard but that could change into figure skating at any second: I recognise Canadian Kurt Browning, a huge champion of skating in the nineties, sitting there with them.

Bingo!

“Now, for another news, the English figure skating team has arrived tonight.” The journalist announces. “Matthew Bellamy is certainly the golden boy of that team. So, what do you expect from him here in Vancouver, Kurt?”

“We’re talking about a fantastic athlete here, very complete, very artistic. The audience loves him no matter where he skates and no doubt he will have a huge support from our Canadian fans. But he’s very young and handling the pressure will be easier for more experienced skaters like Plushenko and even Joubert who’s been around for a while and who’s going to give everything for a Gold Medal.” My hands automatically turn into fists. I mean, he’s right in what he’s saying but... argh! But nothing, I know. “But everything is possible and Bellamy is in a great shape.”

“He’s the European Champion after all.” The interviewer comments.

“Yes, and he beat Joubert there easily. Like I said, this is a very competitive year, there’s a lot of talent in figure skating world nowadays... We also have our own Patrick Chan who is a strong contender in my point of view.”

“I believe it will depend a lot on the short program.” Another man I don’t recognize says. “If Bellamy performs a clean short program, if he gets the first place on the rank after it, I think it will be difficult to beat him in the long program.”

“I think the main issue here is whether he will be able to deal with the pressure or not.” Kurt Browning continues. “He has the best programs of the field this year, Jane McCarthy did a wonderful job with the choreography, he also has a quad now... in my opinion if he skates his best he is unbeatable. But let’s face it, it’s the first time he finds himself as a favourite in an event of this magnitude. It’s like a psychological game. But at the same time, he is always very focused and confident on ice, and that’s a quality of winners.” Yes! Yes, it is. But on the inside, Matt’s living a turmoil like never before. He has never experienced such nerves and pressure but so far he’s dealing with it quite well. I just hope that doesn’t change because it could be fatal. 

“And Plushenko. He has the big name, he has medals, but what exactly can we expect from this comeback?”

I stop listening when they change the subject and take a deep breath. These people, who know what they’re talking about, they believe him. They’re aware (like I am) that it’s a lot of pressure on him, but I also think he can handle it.

When I’m about to return to my earlier task, Matt’s name catches my attention again.

It’s the third guy, the one that hasn’t talked yet. “And Patrick Chan certainly has that charisma even off ice. People love his talent but they also fall in love with his funny way sometimes and he’s always nice to his fans.” I don’t have an opinion about that to be honest. I’ve never met the guy. But this commentator is clearly saying that because Chan is Canadian! These guys should be impartial but no... they have to go and say great things about their own athletes just to try to make the other look less good in comparison. “And on the contrary, I believe Bellamy’s been accused in the past of being distant and not very approachable.”

That’s because you don’t know him! And he’s usually very cool with his fans... And anyway, what does that have to do with anything? Will that change what he does on the ice? No! So just shut up already.

“I think that’s nothing but a defence mechanism, but he sure has a very strong personality.” Kurt speaks again. “I’ve met him before a few times and he struck me as such a nice guy. I wish him nothing but the best.” I love this guy.

The conversation turns to Joubert now, and whether he’ll be able to take the medal home or not. At this I turn off the TV. If I keep listening to this I will get nervous myself and I simply can’t. I didn’t come here so that Matt could feel my own nervousness, I came here to help keeping him sane as good as I can.

*

Finally the big day has arrived, the day when it all begins. I mean, Matt is not going to skate today or anything, but it’s the opening ceremony.

Of course this is nothing like those enormous Summer Games ceremonies, but it’s quite _big_ in its own way. I’m sitting next to Mrs. McCarthy and the rest of the people from the UK that came along with the teams. With a small smile, I enjoy the show of lights and colour and beautiful music. Since this is Winter Olympics, the show has various allusions to snow and ice interlaced with amazing choreographer by everyone who’s performing. 

Even though this is all very beautiful, I cannot wait to finally see the teams. I know Mrs. McCarthy is hiding something, and I have one suspicion about what it might be, I’ve heard rumours too, but I’ve decided to wait before forming my own definite conclusions. 

Finally, after one final song which was sung live by a Canadian couple, the teams are about to start parading. The Greek team is the first, and even though it’s not the home team, there’s a major applause from the audience maybe because it’s the first but probably also because Greece is simply the country where the Olympics started. Whenever a new team comes in it’s thrilling to see the ones who support it standing up and clapping like maniacs. I love to see crowds reacting to their home teams, it always sounds so genuine and it comes right from the heart. I can’t stop taking pictures of everything, this is all too enthusiastic.

After what seems like a million countries, it’s finally time for the British team. Mrs. McCarthy shifts on her seat and I turn to her with a small smile.

The moment they start appearing down there, my suspicions are confirmed.

Matt is leading the team, carrying the flag.

A huge smile breaks on my face and a shiver runs down my spine at the sight. He’s really far so I can’t see his face properly but I can almost feel his pride and joy. The other members wave at the audience and take several pictures, following Matt to their place next to the other teams.

Mrs. McCarthy links her arm with mine and even with all the noise, I catch her long sigh. “It’s my boy over there, Dom. Carrying the flag.”

“Did you...did you ever think he’d make it this far?” I dare to ask. It’s a dumb question, like Matt would put it, but I couldn’t help it.

“I had my suspicions.” She chuckles. “But he’s certainly surprised me over the years. Despite everything he made it this far. It’s his merit.” 

“I’m sure he has a lot to thank to you and your family. And Mrs. Bowell.”

“It’s his talent and passion.” That settles it.

They finally make it to their place and stay there until the very last team makes its appearance. All the while, even though I want to see the others, I find it difficult to tear my eyes away from Matt. It’s stupid but, even though I already took many pictures, I kind of forgot about my camera the moment I laid my eyes on Matt. That has to change though... With the thought in mind, I manage to capture this moment for posterity the best I (and my shitty camera) can. 

After the Canadian team, the host, ends the teams parade, it’s time to light up the Olympic torch, the highlight of the night. Everyone’s eyes are turned to the torch, waiting for it to light up, which officially symbolizes the beginning of the games.

When the fire becomes alive, everyone stands up, applauding and whistling. There it is, the beginning.

Let us hope that it is the beginning of a dream.


	37. Chapter thirty-two B

Today’s the big day. 

When I woke up, I was actually in a very good mood, I still am anyway. I get out of the shower, humming to myself as I wrap a towel around my waist and try to dry my hair with another one. There’s no way I can deny the little nervousness over what’s going to happen today, over Matt’s short program. Nevertheless, I’m actually happy to be here in this wonderful city, to be about to see one of the most important sport events of the world. 

Just as I start looking for something to wear there’s a knock on my door.

“Dom, it’s me.” Matt’s voice. Since it’s him I don’t bother getting dressed before opening the door. However, that can reveal to be a problem but I only remember that the moment I see him standing in front of me. The feeling doesn’t last long though. By looking at his face I immediately sense his uneasiness and nervousness. 

He’s been alright since we got here. He’s been dealing with the press perfectly, hanging out with other skaters, practising just as if he was home despite all the reporters that are following the official practices. Everything seems normal. But of course, deep down he’s really worried about this. He’s perfectly aware of how much everyone’s expecting from him and, of course, how much he wants to win this. Of course he’s afraid to fail... He’s human after all. _So human_.

Two nights ago, we finished dinner rather early so we had a long conversation about the whole thing before it was time for him to go to bed. Well, the conversation wasn’t that long... After he got some things out of his chest we just stood there in a comfortable silence, I’m not even sure for how long.

“Good morning!” I smile. He simply nods and comes in closing the door behind him. “You alright?” I ask a bit concerned by the look on his face.

“I... I guess. I just need a moment.” He leans back against the door and silence falls upon us for a few minutes. I waited patiently as he stood there, just breathing in and out, eyes almost closed. “It’s today.”

I grin and take a step closer, my hand lifting practically without my permission to rest on his shoulder. “Yeah, it is.” His eyes open to their natural amplitude and he throws a small smile at me. “You can do this Matt. You’ve worked hard, you deserve to be here among the favourites and you can do it.” I pause slightly, choosing my next words carefully. “You can win.”

“But then there is the long program.”

“Which is where you usually do best,” I say cheekily, raising my eyebrows.

Unexpectedly, Matt closes the distance between us and envelops me in a tight embrace, hands snaking around my neck and grabbing my bare, still slightly wet skin. Maybe it’s not a good idea... But surprisingly, none of us makes any move towards sex, we know we can’t and, honestly, this hug has nothing to do with sex. This is Matt seeking for comfort and reassurance. For the rest of the day he’ll have to face his competitors, the press, his nerves, the pressure, people he barely knows always around him, paying attention to his every move... and he’ll have to face that ice rink and blow everyone’s mind with a marvellous performance. Of course this is everything he wanted, everything he fought for during the last months and even years, but like any other athlete in a similar situation, he’s scared. 

“You’re taking advantage of all this, aren’t you?” I frown into his hair as my hands keep massaging his back. I don’t really know what he’s talking about, so I just wait for him to explain. “All the cuddling and that stuff you like.” Ah, that. I grin secretly, nudging my face into his dark strands. “You’re taking advantage of the fact that I’m a bit...” He doesn’t finish the sentence and I don’t force him to. I got what he meant.

“Maybe I am... This is all part of my grand plan.” Chuckling, he leans back and his eyes lock with mine.

“Are you sure you don’t want to be with me backstage while I wait?” He asked me that a couple of days ago and I said it wasn’t a good idea. I haven’t change my mind and I’m even surprised that he’s asking me again. He knows as good as me that we really shouldn’t do that.

“I don’t think so, Matt. There will be questions I don’t want to answer and you don’t want to answer them either.” He nods looking down. “And I’ll distract you, of course.” I chuckle and he looks into my eyes again. “But if you really need a hug while you’re there just give me a call.”

“A hug...” he snorts. “Why the fuck would I need a hug?”

“That’s my Matt.” I tease and peck his lips. “You know what I think?” He shakes his head with a smirk, arms still around my neck. “All the other guys are pissing themselves because of you right now.” I say cheekily. He throws his head back laughing hysterically, that characteristic Matt laughter before facing me again with his eyes brimming.

“I like the sound of that.”

*

I can’t believe I lived through this day. And I seriously I don’t know how I’m going to survive the day of the long program. Nerve wrecking it’s an understatement. Luckily I never had the bad habit of chewing on my nails because if I had it, I’d probably have no nails by now. 

But he made it. He’s in first place at the moment.

Some skaters delivered, others had unexpected bad performances, but so far so good. Sure Plushenko is right behind him, Joubert is too close too and one little mistake in the long program can cost Matt the gold. But for now, he has everything to win the medal he wants so much.

I turn on the TV as soon as I sit on my bed because I want to see some replays and comments on Matt’s program. The main talk in every sports channel (and even in other regular channels) is the Olympics. And indeed The Games deserve all that attention. I knew I would be travelling to another dimension as soon as I said yes to Matt’s proposition but it managed to surprise me. It’s such a huge event and everything in the city, especially close to the Olympic village, transpires that Olympic spirit. I used to listen to people talk about it but I could have never imagine the effect it really has in everyone that is, in one way or another, connected to the whole thing. I think that my first acknowledge that everything was indeed reality and not a mere dream was that first sight of the Olympic rings. And to see Matt skating with that symbol on the background sent an almost subconscious thrill to my body. The British nationals were nothing compared to this. At the rink there were banners for all skaters everywhere, from people all over the world, in so many languages... There were so many for Matt, it was unbelievable.

Anyway, when it became close to Matt’s program (he was third to the last) I was so on edge that, unfortunately, I couldn't properly appreciate what happened. However, from the way the audience reacted at the rink, when he performed and after it, when he was waiting for the marks, I can tell everyone adored his tango. It was magical, there was such an intensity in his eyes when he took the ice, such an energy in the building and in my opinion his marks should have been higher, he was so much better than that. He’s skating at his best now. Everyone can tell that.

When I find the sports channel, they’re not talking about it, but I think they will pretty soon. 

_ “You know... never mind.” I knew he wouldn’t leave me alone until I’d tell him what I had in mind. Why the hell did I start this? _

__

_ “Howard...” There... I had no choice right then, and I knew it.  _

__

_ “I was just... reading some funny stuff online today.” I shrugged, using my fork to play with the food. Knowing he was waiting for me to continue, I took a look around to see if no one else in the restaurant was looking at us. Everyone seemed engrossed in their own conversations so I sighed and looked back at him. “Stuff about you.” _

__

_ He chuckled, almost choking on his food. “What about me? That I’m gorgeous?” _

__

_ I snort shaking my head. “They actually talk more about you as a professional. But yeah, that too.” I already knew that though. At the time we had this conversation, right after Christmas, the season had barely begun for Matt so there wasn’t much talk yet. However, I remember people raving about his eyes and swooning because of his British accent and checking out his arse... ugh! Mainly online in forums and YouTube videos, but on TV too. It’s a bit weird to think that I was one of them (even though I kept it to myself and never really ventured online), well, in a way I still am but that’s completely different. This year, because it’s the Olympic season, I can tell everything will be more intense. I don’t even want to know what they say in fan sites, I know he has a few. _

__

_ “Funny... When I was in school the other boys used to call me geek and dorky and shorty... Not to talk about some other names.” He sighed, looking down at his food with a slight frown. “It was a long time ago, though.” He grinned and looked back up at me. “Now I guess I’m a hottie.” He teased, winking at me but turning to his meal straight away.  _

__

_ “That’s what they say...” _

__

_ That was actually one of the few times that I saw Matt embarrassed. It was funny because he can take as many compliments as possible about his skating, and when it comes to his looks, even though he’s always busting up himself, that’s only to tease me. He can go all shy when it’s other people commenting on him, saying that he has a unique complexion, beautiful eyes or whatever they might think.   _

__

_ “Anyway, I’m missing my point here. I just wanted to... to know, I guess, do you think they’ll start saying things about... about us? Well, not about me for sure, but... considering you’re with me, do you think-“ _

__

_ “Dom!” Just then I realised that I was rambling almost incoherently. “Don’t worry about that.” _

__

_ “It’s not worry... I mean, people who matter know, but I can’t help but think that if it goes completely out in the open, you could lose support and the federation could harm you somehow.” _

__

_ He snorted, swallowing his food. “The federation... And who else would win medals for them? It’s not like they have another choice...” _

__

_ I couldn’t help but chuckle at that remark. Such a Matt thing to say, but it’s all true. “Still... Sometimes I worry about it.” Suddenly, I realised just how bad everything I was saying could sound to him and I immediately corrected my speech. “Don’t think I want to break up, not at all Matt, that’s not what I’m saying.” _

__

_ “I know what you’re saying.” _

__

_ “It’s just...” Words failed me after all that seemingly pointless rambling and I sighed in defeat. _

__

_ “Just relax... They have nothing to pick on me about.” He looked at me encouragingly, throwing me a warming smile. “Despite everything, my behaviour in every competition has always been totally correct.” I couldn’t help but snort at the ‘despite everything’ knowing that he was referring to his temper. _

__

_ “I hope you’re right.” _

__

_ “Stop being paranoid, Howard! Really... What the fuck have I seen in you?” He teased with a smirk. Sometimes I wonder that as well, to be honest. What exactly has brought us here? _

__

_ “I’m charming.” I teased back batting my eyelids theatrically. _

__

_ “You must be...” He put another bit of fish into his mouth and when he swallowed it he spoke again. “I’m sure many people think I’m gay and it’s not anyone’s business but I won’t go out of my way to hide who I am. I don’t give a damn about what people say, let them speculate all they want.” He shrugged turning back to his food and I nodded. Deep down, I knew what he meant, and I knew he was right, but I still have my moments of worry. “Since we’re talking about this subject... did the Christmas spirit help your father understand you any better?” _

__

_ I took a sip of my wine, thinking about his question. It wasn’t _ _an easy one at that moment. “He’s getting used to it. Little by little.” I murmured the last words. “I think my mother is doing a great job in supporting me though, and that is helping him see that there’s nothing wrong with me.”_

__

_ Matt smiled. “I’m sure he already sees it. Maybe it’s just difficult for him to start talking openly.  But you have a great family, you’re lucky.”  _

__

_ “I know.” I smiled. “And my mother really wants to meet you, by the way...” _

__

After what seems like an eternity, they finally start talking about what matters.

“British figure skater Matthew Bellamy got the first place on the rank after the short program this afternoon. Close behind him is the 2006 Gold Medallist Evgeni Plushenko, who still believes everything is possible.”

After the introduction by the female journalist, there’s a small interview with Plushenko. He basically says that he has a lot of respect for Matt as a competitor and how he is so passionate, however everything is still possible and he’s still hoping that he can take a second gold medal home.

Ha. You wish.

After that there are a few images of his own program. It was magnificent, I have to admit. But not enough to beat Matt’s. I think the big difference is that, even though he is almost a legend of the sport, with loads of deserved medals and everything, he doesn’t have many new things to show at this point. What he does, he does fantastically, but everyone knows him already, knows what he’s capable of, so there’s really no surprise. But Matt... he’s unlike any other skater, he’s so completely different and original, always pushing himself forward artistically... there is such a spark in everything he does. 

Finally, it’s time for Matt’s small interview. I can tell it was right after his short program and there are a lot of reporters around him. His skin is still a bit flushed due to the performance and the adrenaline is still recognizable in his eyes and movements. He’s still wearing his short program costume but he has the jacket of the British team’s Olympic uniform over it.

“So Matthew, your goals have been accomplished, so far, feeling positive about the long program?”

If it was me he would say ‘dumb, question, Howard’, I grin to myself as a smirk creeps on his lips.

“I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t.”

“Of course! It was easy to see how much the audience loved you there.”

“I’m glad. I could feel it while I was on the ice, which is always great, gives me strength.” I’m sure it did... And when he finished it... The audience rose to their feet right away, and we’re not even close to the U.K. It’s amazing to see people all over the world recognizing his work. Maybe even more than back at home to be honest.

“And what made you choose a tango, this time?”

“Well, I always loved tango and _Por Una Cabeza_ in particular so I thought, why not?”

The interview is over too soon. Anyway it was just a quick one, shortly after he finished his program.

Just a few minutes after it, my mobile rings and I grin as Matt’s name displays on the screen.

“Hey there!”

“I’m just getting to the hotel to have dinner, where are you?”

I chuckle into the phone. “I’m in my room. I’ll be with you in a minute.” In a swift movement and get up and walk out of the room towards the elevator. When I get to the dining room, I immediately spot Matt talking with a middle age couple, probably people who are here to see the competition. James soon joins them and the couple also recognizes him. Unfortunately his marks were not good enough to take him to the long program. I haven’t spoken to him since but he must be a little sad with himself. At the same time, he’s already too thankful for being here and I’m sure he will be supporting Matt with all his heart.

When the couple leaves them, Matt looks around and spots me and signals with his hand for me to get closer. 

“Hey!” He winks at me and I smile back at him. 

In that moment Matt’s mobile rings and he excuses himself. “Hey mum.” I grin at that. His mother must be on cloud number nine with the news. Despite everything, she’s very proud of him.

“You okay?” I ask James.

He snorts. “Of course I am... I’m here.” I nod, no more words are needed about that subject. “I’m just a little hungry, to be honest.” He continues rubbing his stomach.

We signal Matt that we’re going to the table and he nods with a wink. I sit down next to Mrs. Bowel who is already taking a look at the menu. Matt joins us shortly after, but the moment he sits he’s greeted by a member of the Canadian team, I think he’s a skier, who wishes him the best of luck for the long program. 

During the whole dinner, the spark in his eyes doesn’t disappear and he’s in such a good mood clearly still feeling the vibrations and the adrenaline after what happened this afternoon. Sure tomorrow he’ll have to focus again because the long program is in two days. But so far, everybody is just letting him enjoy this first victory. He deserves it. He deserves it all.


	38. Chapter thirty-two C

It’s not easy to describe the atmosphere at the Pacific Coliseum during the day of the long program. It’s something out of this world, and for a moment, I wish I could share this experience with some friends. I’m on my own, in the seats, waiting for Matt’s turn and trying to enjoy the other skaters’ performances.

Some of them are pretty good, in fact. Some of them are pretty hot too. Okay, I didn’t say that.

Anyway, Matt will be the last one to skate. I have my doubts that I’ll be able to keep my sanity until then. Sometimes he texts me, saying nothing in particular, I think he just feels the need to communicate somehow.

_ Are there any loud fans around you? _

I chuckle at that, taking a look around the seats, even though I’ve already done it countless times.

_ I’m pretty sure my ears will blow up when you take the ice. _

__

He’s going to be the last one and unfortunately that’s not good for the nerves. At all. I just hope he stays away from the rink while he waits because if his competitors have high marks and he witnesses it, I’m afraid it will make his legs shake.

After what seems like an eternity, it’s finally time for Matt’s group to hit the ice for a few minutes warm-up. This group consists of six skaters, including Plushenko, so, since Matt’s the last one, I’ll still have to wait about an hour. He chooses not to jump or do any elements, he simply skates around, gracefully nonetheless, just trying to relax and feel the atmosphere around him. Some people call his name excitedly but the only thing I can do is stay on my seat and try to keep my breathing at a normal rate. It’s getting difficult, but I’m trying.

Rather quickly, all skaters go inside again, and now all I have to do is wait for his turn. I can tell that watching Plushenko won’t be easy... If he does a great performance... Well, we’ll see, there’s no point in thinking about it now.

While I wait, I simply can’t hide my anxiety. At a certain point, a middle-age lady that is sitting by my side asks me if I’m alright, if I need something. I merely smile and say that I’ll be fine. She’s probably realised that I must be close to one of the competitors but she didn’t ask any questions anyway. For a moment, I find myself wishing that my friends were here. It would be so good to relieve part of the tension, to have someone to talk to, a hand or an arm to grab and squeeze.

Matt’s two biggest rivals finish their performances and now there’s only one more before Matt. Joubert made a mistake in a jump combination while Plushenko skated a clean program and his marks were quite high. Which means Matt cannot make a single mistake. I shiver at the thought, but at the same time I know he can do it and I think everyone in this audience knows that too.

It’s finally his turn. I can already see him on the corner of the rink, talking to Mrs. Bowel and drinking water. The moment his name is announced he slides to the centre of the rink, and the audience cheers in excitement. After a moment when he smiles and greets everyone in his own way, he takes a moment to concentrate.

This is it.

He assumes the initial pose, one arm stretched in front of him, the other slightly bent, palms directed upwards as he looks ahead with a confident expression. The first chords of “1812” begin and, as always, the music sets him free.

Despite my anxious state, this time I actually find myself completely drawn to his performance. For a moment, I guess I just forget that these are the Olympics, that there’s an infinite pressure on him and that if he doesn’t win he can go into depressive mode. For a moment, I simply enjoy seeing Matt do what he loves the most, what makes him feel on top of the world. Only then I realise that I’m actually seeing his dream come true.

His nervousness doesn’t show in the slightest way, he’s executing everything with extreme confidence and artistry and, as always, there’s so much feeling in his skating. I believe no one here, and even the ones that are watching through TV, are able to take their eyes away from him. Every element is made in perfect synchrony with the fantastic music he chose. He lands the quad jump making a combination with a triple and the audience practically roars. That gives him even more strength.

When it’s time for my favourite part, the footwork that accompanies the final, more emotional part of the music, I grab the seat and lean forward slightly, subconsciously biting my lower lip. Holy fuck. He’s absolutely flawless in his movements, and I believe the footwork is even better now than it was at the Europeans. It’s better than ever! 

Too soon, he finishes the performance, one hand over his heart, the other arm in the air, pointing upwards, to the sky, to the infinite... He stays in that position for a few seconds, looking up at the ceiling, probably still find it hard to believe that he made it; no mistakes. I also find myself completely attached to my seat, unable to move, in such a contrast to the rest of the audience who goes crazy, giving him a full standing ovation.

When he finally wakes up to the world around him, he lets out a guttural scream and falls on his knees, patting the ice and kissing it twice. The ice is already filled with flowers and stuffed animals and he keeps waving at the audience as he makes his way out, his way to the two women who made it possible for him to be here. I cannot see it that well from my place, but he literally falls on their arms. I’m still kind of paralysed in my seat...

The marks, the marks! Please be quick...

I close my eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath, preventing my heart from coming out of my mouth in this second. Of course he did something absolutely remarkable and he’s most likely to win this, but Plushenko also did a clean program so you never know... Oh please, be quick!

A massive roar reaches my ears. That’s it... I let a small laugh escape my mouth before opening my eyes. A big “1” next to Matt’s name is displaying on the screen, along with images of both Mrs. McCarthy and Mrs. Bowel, holding him as he leans over his knees, in a happy cry. He fucking won!!! Something that’s been boiling under the surface, something that I’ve been trying to contend suddenly erupts in me, and before I realise it, I’m jumping up and down like a crazy, possessed man. But I don’t care. He won. Matt’s the Olympic Champion!

*

“Dom! Dom, did you see it? Did you, Dom? I made it! It was so fantastic, I still can’t describe, I’m over the moon! Please come down here, please!” Matt’s practically shouting at me over the phone.

“I saw it, I saw it all! You have no idea how beautiful it all was from up here...”

He’s completely hyper, I can tell by only listening to his breathing. “Please come down here Dom, come on, Jane can get you a credential in no time. Come on, don’t be a lazy bastard.”

“I’m not a lazy bastard, I’m just-“

“No excuses Dom, you don’t have them, come on!!”

It takes forever for me to get backstage. Actually, when Mrs. McCarthy finally finds me to hand me a credential, it’s almost time for the medal ceremony. She’s so excited and her whole being shines with pride towards her boy.

“Matt’s doing some short interviews. He almost hugged the reporters, can you believe it?” 

I laugh at the priceless image of Matt hugging reporters. If he really did it, it should be taped for posterity. We make our way among countless members of the press the press, cameras, photographers, coaches, other skaters, choreographers, guests...until we finally reach Matt. He just finished his interview but the moment the cameras turn away, a man I have never seen before congratulates him enthusiastically and then there’s time for a younger man, that one’s a skater from Italy (given away by his uniform) and I believe there’s actually a line of people who want to talk to Matt.

“I think you’ll have to make an appointment, my dear.” Mrs McCarthy says in my ear. I chuckle at that and she winks, the gesture telling me that she’s going to do something about it, before I explode here. Just in that moment, someone that I recognize as a coach approaches her to congratulate her too. After all, the amazing choreography of Matt’s programs was born in her creative mind. There’s a member of the press to talk to her as well, so I just step back and wait. Impatiently.

When the reporter leaves her, she makes her way to Matt and excuses both of them, saying that he has to get ready for the ceremony and there will be plenty of time for congrats after that. When Matt’s eyes finally land on me, his face lights up even more (if that is even possible), and Mrs. McCarthy has to hold his arm to prevent him from running towards me. I follow them towards a changing room where we can finally have some privacy and also so Matt can take a deep breath for once. I can tell it’s been crazy for him since the moment he got off the ice.

There are no words needed between us, we just wrap our arms around each other and stay like that for quite a long while. I ran my hands over the fabric of his costume and feel his irregular breathing against my chest. He’s still shaking with emotion actually. Slowly, he leans back and pecks my lips, resting his forehead against mine.

“Boys, come on.” Mrs. McCarthy enters again and reluctantly we disentangle ourselves from each other and Matt looks at her with a bright smile. “In a few minutes, Matt.” She answers his unvoiced question related to the ceremony. “But you should get outside again, people don’t stop asking for you.”

He looks at me then. “It’s okay, I understand.”

“You don’t need to return to the seats Dom, it’s okay.” She smiles at me and we follow her outside.

Matt doesn’t have another moment of peace until it’s finally time for the medals.

*

Seeing Matt on the highest step of the Olympic podium, where other legends of the sport have been, is something that is going to stay with me forever. Even if our relationship comes to an end in the future, I will always keep this sight as one of the most emotional moments of my life.

He just can’t stop smiling as he waits for his well deserved medal. Just by looking at him I can tell that he’s so _in_ this moment, enjoying it to the full because he’s aware that, probably, it only happens once in a lifetime.

Finally, the committee stands in front of him with the medal and he leans down slightly to shake their hands. When the man hangs it around Matt’s neck, the audience stands up applauding and he waves at them with the biggest smile ever, he even jumps up and down on the podium a few times, clearly completely overwhelmed by the whole thing. Something tells me that he’s not going to come down to earth during the next few days. This state of bliss will invade him completely, but no one can blame him.

He kisses the medal and looks at it for a few seconds, I wonder if he’s thinking of a name for this one too...

_ “Are you going to name all your medals from now on?” I asked Matt as I watched him hang his most recent medals next to the other ones. _

__

_ “Well, that depends on my mood at the moment.” He shrugged with a grin.  _

When it’s time for the national anthem I actually find myself trying to hold back the tears. How embarrassing would it be if I started crying now of all times?! I need to hold back. Matt is mouthing the lyrics, his eyes shining with joy and probably with tears. He’s staring at the flag with admiration, the flag he carried on that first day, the country he’s proudly representing.

For a moment I think of how people from back home must be reacting. I need to call Andrea and my mum as soon as I’m able to think straight. They both said they would be watching live and I’m sure Scotty is too and probably Adam. I also have the feeling my mother made my father watch. That must have been funny... She has been nagging me to take Matt there, but first I need to make sure that dad won’t freak out and she said she would work on it and tell me when he’s ready.

The anthem comes to an end and Matt waves a little more, taking a few bows too. It seems like the audience doesn’t want him to leave that podium and he seems quite reluctant too. There’s also the usual photo session with the other two medallists, every photographer seems to want a photo of the three of them. 

They leave the podium after a few minutes and skate near the audience to give autographs and take more pictures. A little girl, about ten I think, opens her arms to him with a big smile. Her mother talks to Matt and within the next moment, the little girl takes a picture with him. The girl squeals excitedly, asking her mum to see the picture on the camera. They both thank Matt and he moves to the next group of fans.

Eventually he leaves though, the smile still plastered on his face.

*

“I thought you’d be exhausted and dying to get to sleep.”

“Sleep? I don’t want this day to end. Ever!” I chuckle but that doesn’t last long once Matt attacks my lips again. There was this big party at the village but Matt managed to leave not too late so we sneaked into my hotel room. I wouldn’t mind if he wanted to stay, he’s the Olympic champion, he needs to celebrate! But he was the one who insisted to leave, after all, that wasn’t the last party... I never thought he would still be so hyper though. And horny. “Want you, Dom. All of you, right now.”

His hands frantically search for my belt after taking of my sweat-shirt. “I’m yours.” I murmur against his neck. He gets me undressed before I even have time to take anything off him apart from his coat. However, he doesn’t let that turn into a problem. He steps back for a moment and strips quickly, almost tumbling over his trousers.

When he’s done, his arms wrap around me once more and I find myself completely surrendered to him. Lips locked, he guides us to the bed and pushes me onto it, following close behind. His quick, thick breathing is addictive as are the little muffled moans he makes as he kisses down my chest. I’m losing control, I’m losing myself in him and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s not like I want to do anything anyway.

Still in a frenetic state, his face levels with mine again and he lies on his back, pushing me on top of him. Unexpectedly, he pauses for a moment, legs slowly wrapping around me as his dark orbs bore deep into mine. There’s such intensity in his eyes right now... I can’t look away. “Fuck me.” He whispers. “Fuck me, Dominic.”

How could I ever deny him that? How could I ever deny him anything at all in this moment?

He’s so eager that he doesn’t’ even let me get the lube. Instead, he spits on his hand and wraps it around me, a loud moan leaving my mouth at the contact. I close my eyes for a moment and start thrusting into his hand. He lets me do it about three times before letting go of me.

“Now.”

*

“It was such a long road, wasn’t it?” He asks as he lays on his side, eyes glued to mine.

“Are you talking about your skating or about us?” I ask, unsure.

Matt chuckles slightly, his hand reaching out to rest on my hip bone. “I was talking about us.” I smile, wondering if he’s going to continue. It’s unbelievable the way he doesn’t fall asleep right away, the way his eyes are still so awake and focused. There’s still so much adrenaline in his body... “You know, I think our road was even longer than the one I did to get here in terms of skating.”

“What are you talking about?” I frown. “You’re comparing the last year to... almost twenty years! Your entire life...”

The hand that was on my hip runs up along my side until it rests on the curve of my neck. “But it was a straight road. I always knew what I wanted; I always knew that I wanted to be Olympic Champion...  So, when I look back, it’s such a straight line... I’ve never got out of it. Now, when we talk about us... That was a completely different path.”

I chuckle at the way he’s putting it. “You mean you never thought that one day you’d ask that guy that works at the rink in part-time to come with you to Vancouver because you were not sure if you’d be able to handle everything without him?” 

He hits my shoulder at that. “Who said I wouldn’t be able to handle it?” But then he laughs. “That’s not exactly what I meant. It was more something along the lines of all our ups and downs. And the way we settled down so slowly, with so many interferences in the way.”

“But we did it.”

“Yeah...” He looks down, his eyebrows furrowing a little. “I was such a difficult bastard, wasn’t I?”

“I like a challenge.” I chuckle stroking his cheek affectionately. “And that’s who you are and I... learnt to deal with it and cherish your way instead of trying to change you.”

“Well, I changed...”

“I don’t think you did... This is who you are, Matt. You just don’t show you to everyone else.” I smile as he looks back up at me. “And I respect that.”

Matt chuckles, fondly, his hand going down to my hip again. “Sometimes you say some right stuff. Spot on, even.”

I try to look as serious as I can. “I’m really clever.”

Silence falls upon us and I let my eyes fall closed, thinking that Matt will do the same and so we can be enveloped in a peaceful, well-deserved sleep. I misread the signals though. He doesn’t seem ready to go to sleep yet. Just how much longer can one person’s energy last?

“One more thing, Dom. Then we can go to sleep.” 

I open my tired eyes with a sigh but try to look interested. It’s not like I’m not interested, but I’m just really tired, too many emotions for one single day. He doesn’t say anything for several seconds though... He’s looking down, his expression seems almost troubled, which worries me for a moment. “Matt?”

I nudge his foot with my own and rest a hand on his waist, trying to get him back to the present moment. He seems so distant...

“I...” He pauses and looks up at me. Even after one year, I still can’t read him completely. Which is good though... What is a relationship without its occasional surprises? “I...” What can be so difficult for someone like him to say? “I love you, Dom.” Oh. “I love you... I’m so in love with you.”

All rational thought leaves my mind for a moment.

“You... You do?”

He laughs then, clearly feeling relieved, and moves closer to me, our chests almost pressed together. “Don’t tell me it’s such a surprise... You already knew it!” As always, he’s trying not to make a big deal out of it.

“It’s... That’s nothing compared to hearing it coming out of your mouth.” And it’s not like I knew it, anyway. Of course I could feel it lately but... well, it’s different.

I must look like a complete utter fool right now. And suddenly I start laughing like a maniac.

“Dom, focus!” After a few moments of complete absurdity on my part, I look back at him, my expression probably a bit delirious. “Don’t you have anything to say to me?”

I blink twice, trying to look surprised; I’m actually in the mood to play. “You think so?” His hand closes around my hair almost painfully and I can’t help but grin at his outraged expression, his blue eyes fully opened, trying to look menacing.

“Howard!”

“Okay, okay...” I chuckle and the hand on my hair loosens as a little smile creeps on his face. “I... I really... What exactly am I supposed to say?”

His expression makes me laugh uncontrollably and he takes the opportunity to climb onto me and pin my writs to the mattress. “Bloody tease! I’m going to torture you!” When I calm down I get lost in his intense stare once again. Even though the atmosphere is quite playful, that doesn’t mean they are less captivating. I take my time to look also at his exposed torso as he leans slightly over me, straddling me. I feel like tasting that skin all over again and feel the lean muscles contract under my mouth. 

When I look back up, he raises one eyebrow and I finally surrender to him and say the words he wants to hear even though he already knows. After all, I’m the transparent one and he’s always been so good at reading me... But there are some words that can’t be left unsaid.

“I love you too.”


End file.
